Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Minority you are absolutely right. Agree with WWW too.

SM - it must have been a shock for you (although I do wonder what you were expecting to find when you decided to look at his phone - what did you think you would find?) I fear that the damage is already done, but, you do need to reverse your reaction. I fear it has truly given out the wrong signals about sex to your son.

[TheDaVinciCod]

yes bit god whqat you PLAN to do and what you DO are tow diefferent htings eh?

[Cammelia]

Stifflersmom, I said lower down that you need to talk to him about contraception etc and I feel that this is one of life's moments when you have the opportunity to talk about a big important and necessary subject with your boy. Don't beat yourself up about the immediate reaction you had, your son will get over that as you are obviously usually a kind and loving mum. In an ideal world we would all want to keep calm and sweet no matter how our children test us, but as none of us is perfect.............

Don't miss this chance to really open up the communication channels though, but taking the chance to learn from it yourself as well, eg. by respecting his phone privacy

[StifflersMom]

I have now talked to DS so you can stop being hysterical Minority. I too think what happened to you was awful but your relationship with your mother really has nothing in common with mine with my son. I know that even if you can't see it.

I apologised to him for upsetting him so much that he was sick. I explained that I did not make a habit of violating his privacy and that he is entitled to it. I told him that what I saw was not the way I would like him to be talking to girls (even if he DIDN'T construct the text himself as he is maintaining) and that girls will assume certain things about him if he DOES send texts like that. There was more' we were talking for ten mins or so.

He was very calm and so was I. I am confident that I have not psychologically damaged him in any way. I do not think that giving him the "cold shoulder" while I recovered somewhat from my shock was such a dreadful thing. I am entitled to be shocked too. There is no book that has all the rules of this parenting business! Sometimes I cock up. Don't we all? And I have explained to him why I reacted as I did.

I think I have opened a lot of old wounds for you Minority and for that I apologise. Also for telling you to shut up. But I think you need to see the differences in these two situations.

Thank you all for your help everyone. I am grateful.

[Twiglett]

I would like to wholeheartedly agree with WWW's post

"It's fairly normal for 14yos to be having sex. And talking about it.
He's normal.
You over reacted.

I think you should
a) apologise for having violated his privacy. My mum read my sister's personal diary when sister was 12 and I didn't write ANYTHING down anywhere for YEARS because I was terrified she'd find it
b) advise him about contraception
c) talk to him about women and about how you feel about porn (I dislike porn but I would explain to him WHY you dislike it etc)
d) apologise for going over the top about it. (if you agree you overreacted, maybe you don't)

I was having consensual sex at 14. My mum was hysterical and puritanical about sex (not suggesting you are, just saying what my mum was like) and didn;t know. My dad was liberal and so knew everything AND helped me get contraception because he KNEW that saying 'don't do it' won't ever stop teenagers doing it."

[TheDaVinciCod]

i think you did well


i think its hard ot aimageinw hat you do in this situation till you are there


amen

glad all isok

i wonder if trying then" if i loked at your phone woud there be nayhting opyu waouldnt want me tosee" is a good line


he doenst knwo if he loses it WHO may see it

eh alsoneed s to elarn not to write anythign down he may later regret - in any situation

[Twiglett]

sorry that was a crass crosspost stifflersmum

you've obviously handled it very well

how did he respond to you?

[BrothelSprouts]

Sounds like a successful conversation for both of you, SM.
Glad it had a good outcome.

[Cammelia]

x-posted with you stifflersmom

That all sounds fab

[minorityrules]

Cheapened and threatened?

I doubt a 14 year old teen would have the life experience to feel either. We as adults can see what the porn industry is and make our decisions on how we feel. Youngsters only have the little bit of info they get from inadequate sex ed at school and stuff from their peers

They are practising to be adults and will use terminology that THEY think will make others thing they are worldly wise. It is how they grow and find their place, mostly bravado

They don't think it all through like we do. I just have had a problem with 16 yearold friend of daughter, no period for 14 weeks, too scared to do test, to scared to tell parents, just wanting to put head in sand. That shows just how a teen thinks, things arent' real to them. It shows how young they are in a lot respects

I am scared for the teens of this world

[DrNortherner]

Oh God Stifflersmum, how awful for you. I am exactly teh same as you, I'm no prude, watch port ocassionally and am well aware my ds uses poer on the internet. Have no problems with this.

However, my 14 year old ds? Well I would feel exactly as you do, and I feel I would have hurled his arse out of bed to ask what was going on too.

Personally I would not apologise. The language he was using was graphic and explicit and totally unappropriate for a 14 yr old imo. Tell him how the parents of the girl would feel had they discovered it and not you. If I had a 14 year year old dd who received this text I would want to kill the guy who sent it!

Yes teenegaers have sex, we all know that, but stifflersmom discovered it in such a shocking and hurtful way she is totally entitled to feel as she does.

I would chat to him about sexual relationships, and the respect involved. That is it right and normal to have sexual urges and desires, and if he is having sex he must use protection and respect his sexual partner. Explain you were very shocked to read that sort of language and you don't want to see it again. YOu understand he is growing up, but he must also respect you.

I feel for you I do, but it is not the end of the world. He will get to 20/21/22 as a lovely young man and you will look back at this and laugh

[TheDaVinciCod]

too late
all over now

[meandmyflyingmachine]

I think it's easy when you have younger children to think that you will handle things like this calmly and straight away see it as a learning experience for the two of you.

I know I would be upset if I saw my 14 year old son expressing himself like this.

And if my 14 year old daughter received a text like this I might possibly explode.

I hope I would then calm down and do what you have done. Good luck.

[WideWebWitch]

Agree how we want to react and how we actually do may be entirely diff things. I thought I'd be Mother Theresa incarnate but I am MotherFker incarnate instead sometimes.

Hey, I'm not looking forward to teenagers but at least I ahve the benefit of hindsight havign been a VILE one myself

[sugarfree]

SM,glad you've cleared the air,bet that feels better.
Never mind ante-natal classes,I think ante-puberty classes would be so much more useful.

[OrmIrian]

Too right sugarfree! I'm still reeling over the terrible 2's (and 3's and 4's ) from DS#2 but DS#1 will be hitting the teens soon...

Gawd I need to leave home....

[cornsilk]

I have been lurking on this thread as I have boys and have wondered about how to handle things like this without being OTT. I think I would have freaked if I'd been faced with something like this out of the blue. Is there a book that gives advice on how to handle things like this with teenagers? My ds is 9 but I would certainly find it useful for the future.

[Tinker]

Am glad it's turning out ok SM. My dad cried when he discovered I was no longer eligible to wear my white socks and I was older than 14! He couldn't bear to speak to me for about a week - he was so hurt. But no lasting damage done. I hope I reassure you.

[sugarfree]

Got to say this,mothers of daughters please don't assume that all girls are delicate flowers who don't swear and have to be persuaded by promiscuous,manipulative worldly wise boys.Because its just not true.Thay can be just as bad.
I wouldn't like my son to receive a text from a girl either.
Respect works both ways.

[sugarfree]

I wouldn't like my son to receive a text like that* from a girl either.
I'm not averse to girls texting him in general.

[AbRoller]

I was sexually active at 14. Mother found out and went berko. I was horrified, embarrassed, ashamed but ultimately I did what I wanted and I lied through my teeth to her. I was pg 4 months later. Nuff said.

Just wanted to say I've read the thread and the outcome is a good one. You had every right to be shocked and you are not alone in your way of initially dealing with it. None of us are perfect, my mother wasn't, I'm not and will my daughter be? - no (she is now cos she's all 7 and cute) but like you, I will care enough to try and handle the situation with their best interest at heart.

I won't have experience or all the answers but I'll head straight for the laptop and log onto MN

Good luck to you and your ds

[ELF1981]

Okay, not read the whole thread, which I will in a minute, but when I was 15, I got myself into trouble with my parents over stuff like this. We got the internet and I basically found it easy to explore sites and chat online with people, which led to cyber. It's a very easy trap to fall into when you're that age with full access to the internet. I met a couple of guys I'd met on the internet, they were a few years older than me. My parents eventually had to have the computer fixed and they saw all the history and the log of chats that had taken place, and they went ballistic.
Suffice to say, they did not speak to me for a loooooong time.
However, I hadn't actually dont anything wrong (okay, meeting the boys from the net was not a smart move.) I hadn't had sex with anybody, I felt like I had only been experimenting and they should have given me some privacy.
I did not lose my virginity until I was 17 btw, so even if you have found this stuff, it does not mean he is having or planning to have sex in the near future. My parents thought I was a permiscious little tart at that age, but I was pratically whiter than white!

[minorityrules]

I really do hope that your chat has smoothed over the conflict

I just wanted you to see how one experience can change things forever and I was incensed on your sons behalf. I know you feel circumstances were different to mine but I still think they are similar

A youngster learning about new feelings and being so impressionable, saying or doing wrong thing can fuck them up forever

I hope you can have a fantastic relationship with your son from now on and accept that he will experiment and he will free enough to ask for your guidance

[DaphneHarvey]

Stifflers - I have skimmed through the whole of this post. All I can say is I sympathise. I cannot empathise yet because my children are so much younger. But I do not think you need to apologise to him. Why should you apolgise for your feelings? You probably need to be the "bigger" person and build the bridges. Which I'm sure you will do.

So sad for you though and so sorry for the lambasting you have had from certain other posters who were having underage sex so think its perfectly normal for everyone else to do so. And thinks that any parent who queries the normality of what your son did, is over-reacting.

[Cammelia]

This thread is dead let it lie