Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[StifflersMom]

He threw up in the loo by the way. And then came back to listen to more blubbering from his mother.

Thank you for the support. It means a lot and gives me confidence for the future, for any future episodes [gulp] and for when DD is a teenager [double gulp].

I have learned a lot from this thread and I know I have dealt with DS differently because of it. It literally made me sit back and realised that he is stil lthe same boy as before I looked at his phone. I took what I needed to hear from the thread and used it but I have to say I was upset by some of the remarks from some people when I could see that they weren't taking on board what I was trying to say about the type of relationship I have with DS. But I'm letting that go over my head now. I know DS is a good, kind and sensitive boy. Not perfect by any means and yes we have had a few issues and clashes lately but essentially, he was/is still a good boy (who I know will be a good man) who worries about the bigger issues in the world and hates injustice of any kind. Rather than being horrified that he is becoming a man I am actually proud of the type of man he is becoming.

When faced with - what I was faced with - I had some trouble reconciling the person I have desribed above with the person who was sending those texts. But I am dealing with that. I don't think HE is aware of how much of a corner has been turned but I certainly am. And I do believe he has taken on board some of my sentiments about under age sex/respect for women. Thank you for helping me to articulate them.

This morning I gave him his phone back. I don't plan on looking at it again.

[Wilkie]

Pleased you are feeling happier SM. Have a large drink tonight and mark it off to the joy's of teenager-dom (I have this to come - my DS is only 6 months old and the worst he has done yet is pull on his willy so hard it made him cry )

xx

[AbRoller]

lol wilkie

SM I posted earlier that custy's post was the best I've ever read since joining MN and I have to add....to see how you've dealt with everything, the good advice, the horrible comments, the way-to-late rehashing and ridiculing AND the situation at home has been inspiring. You've had grace under fire and I admire you for that.

From an understandably distressed state in the OP to the end result, you have shown me that the trials and tribulations of parenthood are far from easy but that a mothers love and intrinsic desire for their children's health, happiness, SAFETY and developement always prevails.

I hope I can be as courageous as you have been.

[DaddyJ]

I second that, AbRoller!

Anyone who can cope with the trials and tribulations of Mumsnethood
should find this parenting lark a breeze

[saffy202]

I think he most probably was sick because not only were you so angry but he would have been so embarrassed - can you imagine your mother reading something like that and knowing you were planning to send it onto a girl!

Poor thing - it will probably be something you can laugh about in years to come.

No harms been done and he sounds a lovely boy who just got caught up in thinking he's more mature than he actually is. Give him a big hug

[Jennylee]

StifflersMum I did not say you make a habit of it , at all .just do not keep making such a bit traumtic thing out of it after the initial discussion , more along the lines of you have told him how you feel so that should be that really ,

I was more thinking that bringing it up and embarring him in the future once you have said your piece would not be helpful.

he now nows where he stands and what is expected, and acceptable to you , so I was not making assumptions only going by what you posted and not judging....so that was it really

[StifflersMom]

JennyLee, I was not being dramatic. Hardly. This whole thing was a big deal to me and I did not need your "reminder" not to upset my son so much that he vomits. It was never my intention in the first place; I realise to you it was just words on a thread but I can assure you I have not enjoyed the "drama" of it all. Thanking you kindly for your input but if you re-read your words I think you can probably realise how they come across as an implication. As far as I was concerned, the thread had run its course last night but I have been reponding to comments made and questions asked today and also thanking people for their input and support which I have benefited from. I'm sure you didn't like me snapping at you but I expect you can appreciate that I am still a little sensitive about the whole issue.

[StifflersMom]

Sorry, traumatic. Well to me it was traumatic. I am feeling a lot better now though thank you.

[Budababe]

StifflersMom - if you need a name-change it shoudn be "GraceUnderFire".

Can I just congratulate you on 2 things. 1 - How you handled a very tricky situation with your DS. You could have ignored it. But by being SO upset and hurt and worried, you have made your DS sit up and think. Think about how he treats girls. Think about how he is perceived. And think about the risks of teen sex. All things he NEEDS to think about. He is at a very tricky stage. Half boy - half man. Showing him (as his mother) how shocked and hurt and upset you were is no bad thing. Yes - lots of boys do it. Lots of boys send such messages. Lots of boy swap porn. Doesn't mean it is right. And your DS need to learn that while this happens, it is not OK.

2nd thing - your replies to those who have criticised you are beautifully articulate and descriptive. I for one have a good understandin of your relationship with your DS.

I wish you both well. I hope your DS grows into the man he can be.

[unknownrebelbang]

I agree Budababe.

Some great posts on here throughout, especially Custy (Rebel jumps on the bandwagon belatedly, but wow!)

[StifflersMom]

Buda and Rebel thanks I think I'll just go quietly back to my usual name now. (And GraceUnderFire is not how I see myself lol.. and I wasn't always very polite to people actually, but primarily I felt it was v.important to try to get across the type of relaltionship DS and I usually have and felt frustrated and people misperceptions. My relationship with DS didn't come across well in the first post; it sounds almost frozen and detached but that was how I was feeling so can't apologise for that.)

Thanks again.

[mumblechum]

Agree with Budababe.

Incidentally, I raised questions around the issues on this thread with my ds (12) yesterday as suddenly started wondering if he was doing anything I didn't know about.

The reaction was slightly worrying - "who've you been talking to?" "x's mum?" "y's mum?"

Methinks there is stuff happening but I'm just going to stick my fingers in my ears and close my eyes for another year or so.

[pinguthepenguin]

You know, when I hear things like 'we'll only let you go over by 12 days, or, ' you'll have to go in', it really maddens me. They make it sound like the pregnancy olice will drag you in by your hair, and that you'll be willingly risking the health of your child if you dont.
When I think of my hospital closing their doors to the public yesterday cos they had 2 midwives and 9 labouring women, or having a 'no inductions carried out at weekends' policy, it makes me realise how much they are chatting out their asses. How come going over term isn't a matter of life or death at weekends? How come they can close a hospital door on you, yet YOU are the one playing russian roulette with the health of your child?

grrrr,!

[pinguthepenguin]

sorry, posted on wrong thread