Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[mumblechum]

kitty, with the greatest respect, you're closer to the child than the mother in terms of your age, so maybe you should stick to the baby threads?

[MadOldBint]

huh

[TheDaVinciCod]

i agree
i htink mums of babies have no idea.

[MadOldBint]

Just because Im younger doesnt mean I cant see that a reaction is slightly OTT,

I would be totally upset too, but theres a calmer way to do things that doesnt result in your children vomiting with embarresment

(this is kitty BTW)

[milkchocolate]

But Kitty the thread has MOVED ON, dont you realize this?

[MadOldBint]

And i deal with the problems of my sisters who are 13 and 16, so i think i do have plenty of experience with teens.

thakya

[mumblechum]

Nuff said there, I think MOB!

[Mhamai]

Jesus talk about flogging a dead horse! Are you bored Kitty?

[TheDaVinciCod]

hmm i think oyu haev to knwo the kid

liek the post abotu my dh threatenign the seat whacker on a 13 hour flight went all worng
oyu haev to KNOW dh ot knwo that he is a poof really - hant fought anyone since he was 8

[MadOldBint]

must be pretty bored to be here, lol

[Vev]

Words of wisdom my mum passed on which had been passed on to her "when they're little at least you know where they are and what they're doing".

[lallooooooo]

I haven't readthe whole of this thread and came here having read sophables other thread but FWIW Stifflersmom, I really feel for you and know that I would have felt the same (even if I only have a 20mth old dd). Understanding that your son is becoming a man is hard enough without having to deal with the rest of what has happened. Good for you for having the courage and the sense to approach the subject with him. UNfortunately so many parents don't these days.

Yes - teenagers are going through an amazingly scary/ exciting/ confusing time and sex is only a part of it but the fact remains that there is a legal limit for a reason and that is to protect children. They can physically do things long before they are emotionally ready for it - even if they think that they are!
bb xx

[Rhubarb]

Somebody did a different thread commenting on this one? Tell me they didn't!

I am a mother of just little ones too. Though my bestest mate Custy is the mother of teens. However I have no experience of this, but can only look from the mother's point of view and sympathise. I should imagine it would have been a huge shock. When did you other mothers realise that your children were growing into adults? How did you all handle it? I sure some of you have over-reacted as parents too, but none of you would ever have gotten the ear-bashing for it that StifflersMom has gotten.

I think she has been very frank, honest and brave. She is listening to all the very good advice being given. She has my every admiration.

[Pimmpom]

SM has my admiration as well. I do wonder if all the people criticising have teenagers. It is a shock when you realise the type of language teenagers use on msn etc You don't expect your child to be like that because that is not the way you have brought them up!

I cried for days when I read things I wasn't supposed to see. It is a shock but you get over it and move on. Some good has come out of it because it opens up the way to discuss these things.

How people can say they wouldn't react like that I think they are deluding themselves and setting themselves up for a big fall.

[Budababe]

I'm sending DS to live with Custy when he turns 13. OK?

I might come too!

[KTeePee]

Can't believe this is still going (read it when it a started yesterday but didn't post as I felt Custy or someone else experienced with teens would come along and give good advice).

[OrmIrian]

Best of luck stifflersmum - I have to say that much as I would like to say I'd keep my calm I'm not sure I wouldn't have reacted similarly to you, much as I love and support my kids. Hope (and expect) I'd have the ability to turn it around as you have done.

[GameGirly]

When I grow up I want to be Custy. Or Stifflersmom who despite her shock has handled this incredibly well, IMO.

[rattleskuttle]

good post custy

i have teenagers too and just wanted to say - it's not all bad. they have louder tantrums and ime are a trifle self-centred.

they need to have respect for you otherwise i think it could be very difficult.

you have to accept that they are not necessarily going to do what you want and learning to accept that can be hard.

[MamaG]

(me too gamegirly)

[MamaG]

oh and WELL DONE SM. You listened to the good advice and acted upon it. Good on you

[minorityrules]

It's a shame the op can't be changed to reflect how the day progressed and also to take out the language that got peoples backs up (yes mine)

The wording of the first post is OTT but it has now been explained and it sits better (again in my mind)

Unfortunately, people are only going to read first bit and that will keep people seeing it the wrong way (albeit still a bit OTT)

[suedonim]

Stifflersmom, I've just read all this thread and have to say, I'm glad my boys were teens in mainly pre-mobile phone days!

But seriously, I think you and ds can come out of this with a stronger relationship than ever. It's as though, with your ds growing up, everything has been thrown up in the air and you are now looking at how it's all landed. And the scenery may have changed but the basic ingredients are all still there, he's still your boy.

Sometimes an episode such as this leads to a deeper understanding of each other and a new respect for each other's POV and feelings. And at a time when children grow up fast your POV can also give permission to your ds to sometimes still be a boy instead of a man. Whatever the urges of puberty, I think most teens have periods of when they want to revert to childhood and the safety of what they know.

PS Three cheers for Custy!!

[tigermoth]

To people who have only just seen this thread - stifflersmum is sorting this out with her son, she and her son are talking, stifflers mum is OK, right!

[NoodleStroodle]

Custy - brilliant & thank you.

Stifflersmum - hang in there - there are lots of us going through or embarking on similiar. I exactly understand where you are coming from. You handled much better than I would have done - you only had vomit on the carpet - in our house it would have been blood. It's this bit of being a parent that is the hardest - give me a screaming toddler anyday - this is parenting at its scariest and most crucial. Lots of hugs. There are some of us who are really here for you.