Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[noddyholder]

boy not bot

[NotQuiteCockney]

You know, at least if he's texting about this stuff, he's talking about it. Which is (imo) a good thing. If you're talking about sex, there's a better chance you'll also talk about STDs and pregnancy.

I can totally see why you'd be horrified to read those texts, and see the porn, but I feel really for your son, to be honest. Please, if you can, apologise sincerely and try to sort things out. If you can't, please ask your DH or another person in his life to have a chat with him?

[dejags]

Poor you. I'd also have been totally horrified and would have most likely reacted the same was as you did.

Having said that - I do agree with squonk. You need to provide him with the means to have safe sex. If he is telling the truth and not having sex - then great. If and when he does decide to take that step you need to know in your mind that he is safe.

Personally, my biggest worry in this sort of situation would the health risks. I am sure he is aware of the risks - but it seems that so many teenagers just have the "it can't happen to me attitude".

Unfortunately from 14 onwards, the lads will be lads, ribald language and gross discussions are par for the course.

I so feel for you - and look forward to this all in about 10 years time.

[Mercy]

Blimey Stifflersmom, I would have been shocked too.

How did he manage to get a porno clip on his phone? Is it a facility you can block? (as you can tell I don't have teenagers and I'm not up with technology at all!).

I think you and dh need to discuss what approach to take. And maybe dh should take the lead in any discussion with ds.

Good luck

[Rhubarb]

These words are much more prevalent now than ever before. I still get shocked at the scenes that are allowed in PG and 15 movies. Then again I was shocked to hear them say "fart" on CBBC when it always used to be a swear word in our house!

I agree that just giving condoms does feel a bit like saying "go ahead, have meaningless sex".

Depends on how you are with that. Some would say to let him have fun, sex is nothing to be ashamed of and all of this is natural. So long as he stay safe.

But then as you say, he is only 14 and you don't want to encourage him to break the law. How about a pep talk from his dad? He needs to know that whilst having these feelings is all very natural, there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality. He may be in for a disappointment I feel! He needs to respect girls and not rush them into anything they are not ready for, particularly if they are virgins. He needs to understand that whilst a girl may flirt and talk dirty, this does not mean she wants sex or is ready for sex. He also needs to be aware that using these terms are derogatory and can be offensive - and imagine the trouble he'd be in if her parents found the texts!

In other words, he needs to take responsibility.

At his age his hormones are soaring and he will probably have sex on his mind 24/7. Your dh would understand that more than you. All of this will settle down but in the meantime he needs to learn how to satisfy himself without getting into trouble or getting anyone else into trouble. He needs to know the law and to realise how other people might view these texts if they were to see them.

Go easy on him though. When you are a teen you push the boundaries to their very limits, out of curiosity more than anything else. Then when it happens for real it's a bit of a let down!

[Zazette]

The respect for girls and women, respect for yourself, taking sex seriously angle is what I would focus on here. You'll be doing lots of women a favour if you can get him to recognise how important all that is!

I'd be less bothered by the language, tbh - if anything that aspect of it is what makes him sound most like a little boy to me, it's all too reminiscent of my 6 year old going 'poo poo bum bum' etc.

Poor you though, I'm sure I would have had the red mist descend if I'd found myself in that situation.

[DaddyJ]

Well, stifflersmom, at least you didn't catch him with a pie!
(might be a matter of time though )

Seriously, your sense of humour will come in handy here.

His medical condition is a worry, though, just
because as you say it might lead him to take
silly risks.

[minorityrules]

Definitley over reacted

He now has been told by your reaction that this is omething he will never be able discuss with as it's disgusting?

He is a young man, going through the evil that is puberty. Of course he is going to experiment, whether in rl or words, texts and videos

You have proved to him he has no privacy by going through his phone. You upset him so much he vomited? Poor lad

Teens need information, unfortunately, we are too scared in this country to teach what is needed, the kids have no idea and get distorted views from their peers and internet. Hence the alarming pregnancy rate

I would apologise to him and say you were wrong and went OTT. Have some good talks about sex and let him know, no matter what, he can ask you ANYTHING and you will promise not to be so shocked. It may take a while for him to be open with you but be kind and consistant and you hopefully ca get a good relationship back

You really don't want to lose his trust. He sounds like a normal lad and is probably mortified and still shocked over your reaction

[Rhubarb]

And yes, he does need to know the importance of staying safe and taking responsibility for the other person too, keeping them safe. You don't have to give him any condoms, but let him know how to get them and where to go for advice.

Be honest and frank and hopefully he'll come to you if he needs further advice. Don't put him off approaching though.

Kids grow up far too fast don't they? I daresay discovering that your baby is now becoming an adult is just as shocking for you. Have a stiff drink. Watching them grow can often be a cause for grief as well as joy.

[Budababe]

Thread hijack - sorry!

DaddyJ - Szia! Blooody hot here though - storm due hopefully - are on Buda side in hills so watching the clouds come in.

How do you know Hungarian? Nem beszelek magyural!! Bocsanot!

Szia!

[hockeypuck]

I agree with minority rules on this one.

The last thing you need to be doing him is alienating him or making him think you find him repulsive.

Teens use this kind of language and behaviour to make sense of all the things they are feeling, the peer pressure, the testosterone surges, the media etc. They "try out" behaviour long long before they act on it.

Maybe he is having sex already? maybe he's not? but he needs to know he can talk to someone about it.

Which is worse? Him having sex outside, without your knowledge with no condom and either catching something from someone or becoming a dad - or him knowing that you don't approve but that you have told him about sex and condoms and parenthood.

I grew up knowing all about AIDS etc, there were big adverts about std's and the like, but kids these days really dont tend to use condoms half as much as they should. Parents need to be educating their kids about this, it is very very easy to unwittingly become a dad.

Feel free to laugh at me when my lo's are teenagers, because my viewpoint on this comes as a mother to under 5s. But I have been a youth worker on and off for the last 15 years and a LOT of things would totally freak you out.

BUT, do try not to panic about texts, porn mags, emails etc. They are simply "trying on" this behaviour for size and working out what their hormones are all about.

hugs

[hockeypuck]

that hugs thing isnt a link by the way, I was just trying to give you hugs

[DaddyJ]

Budababe - lol! Nem beszelek magyural either!!

Picked up a few phrases on various business trips
and made some brilliant friends over there.

Yes I heard the weather is all hot and muggy with
frequent thunderstorms at the mo - but lucky you
sitting in leafy Buda!

Will definitely have to house swap now!!

----
Sorry to bollox up your thread, Stiffler!
One more suggestion:
Watch all three American Pie movies together as a family
so that he sees how cool you actually are about these things.
Rebuild bridges!

[littlemissbossy]

I agree completely with Rhubarb's post. The fact is kids really do grow up too quickly and the internet has certainly played a part in that IMO.

And as a mother of two teenage boys I too have experienced similar. I've found porn on both of my DS's computers and I've told them straight that if I find anything else like that, the computers are going - I've also said the same about the slutty pics that the eldest had on his phone - and I'm no prude - we paid for them so it's my (and DH's) way or no way! LOL at me sounding like my mother

[Rhubarb]

Or you could chat with him together with your dh and tell him how wonderful it is that you can talk to him about sex now as you and your dh have such a wonderful sex life and do many of the things he has spoken to his girlfriend about so if he needs more info, to just ask you both and you'll be happy to share techniques with him etc.

He'll be so disgusted he'd probably puke again!

[NoodleStroodle]

LOL Rhubarb - he'll be a monastery by next week

[sugarfree]

I agree with Minority and Hockeypuck.

You have to apologise to him to get past this.I feel so sorry for him,he must be mortified,ashamed (of what is pretty normal stuff)and so sad that you are giving him the cold shoulder.

I know it's really hard and you don't like him growing up,my eldest is 13.5,so I know how you're feeling.

I just can't bear the thought of you not speaking to your son and feeling disgusted by him,he's still your little boy under there somewhere you know.He's only just started learning to be a man.

Build bridges as soon as you can.Then have a good chat with him and dh,(over a takeaway or something?)then put it behind you.

[StifflersMom]

Minority.. I made sure he knew about sex from the moment I felt it was necessary and appropriate to discuss it with him. I have always told him he can tell/ask me anything but n the last year or so he has immediately cut me off when I try to have "one of those chats" with him (as is pretty normal I am sure) and said that he doesn't want to discuss all this with his mother and that he "knows". But we HAVE done the safe sex talks/importance of condoms etc. I do think I may need to have the "respect for women" talk with him still.. but quite honestly I am unsure of how much use this will be when the availability of porn is like a big open sweetie jar to most men let alone 14 year old lads! (Mercy, they just send them to each other apparently.. God knows where they originate from, who rather who.. but very likely, the net.)

And if this girlfriend is a willing recipient of such texts then I doubt he is going to have "damaging her self respect" on his mind either!

Upon reflection, I am still not beating myself up over having "upset him so much that he threw up" because I think this was just the shock of me finding out what he had been up to... not what I was saying to him. I am not some kind of disciplinarian and he knows it. He knows full well that I care very much about his state of mind and body, almost obsessively so, seeing as I have spent nearly 15 years keeping him as well as possible in view of fact that he has a life threatening disease (you wouldn't know to look at him and very few at school do know, particularly the girls.)

I may have been OTT and I will apologise for looknig at his phone but I am not going to tell him I was wrong. I can't do that, it would be/sound insincere.

[milkchocolate]

OMG.
Poor boy.
I completely agree with minority rules and frumpygrumpy.

He is 14. He is a boy. Did you not realize your son was a teenager the last few years?

You are an adult, he is a your child. And you have upset him so much about something so fragile in him, and so embarassing as the feelings of sexual awakenings that he vomited?
Now you are unlikely to EVER get honest answers from him on this topic by alienating him, of course he would not admit to having had sex!

Please please please apologize to him, and be honest and sincere about why you reacted this way. Good Luck.

[Rhubarb]

Go easy on her, it's tough finding your baby growing into a sexual man.

[colditz]

I was having sex at 14 and wasn't raped, disrespected or abused in any way at all. I was a very willing participant. Stop punishing him for being normal.

[StifflersMom]

No. I didn't realise he was teenager.. this aspect has completely bypassed me

I think I have gone some way to describe how "unprudish" I am and that I have discussed ALL sorts with him. As much as he will allow these days anyway.

I am not supermum. I am shocked and upset about seeing him use/send pornographic language and the concept him HAVING sex at 14.

[StifflersMom]

Colditz WHAT? Where have I suggested anything about rape or abuse???

And just because you were having sex at 14 that doesn't mean I think it's ok for my child.

[StifflersMom]

I also KNOW that him throwing-up in shock is NOT going to do him serious harm, either to his state of mind or his health. And trust me I take his health very seriously. Even though he doesn't.

[DaddyJ]

The whole apology thing sounds a bit heavy.

You asked what you should do tonight when he gets home.
I would say nothing. Just be your normal self with him.

Or if you feel daring use your sense of humour and clear
the air with a jokey 'hey stiffmeister, awright?! '
and then let it go.

And if you feel things need to be said to him
let dh take the lead for the time being.