Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[StifflersMom]

It's not odd really. He's very much like me. I throw up if I get a nasty shock.

[mumblechum]

So anyway, is he home yet?

[OrmIrian]

Because minority is refusing to see that there are 2 sides to this argument I would suggest. Sometimes it's hard to take such a measured relativist approach to morality when it's your LO who is involved. I can understand why she is upset and I can also see that she is upset at her reaction - telling her off about it isn't helpful.

Saying that she is big nasty bully who riskds damaging her childs self-esteem permanently is as bad as telling her child that he is disgusting.

I honestly think that apologies are due on both sides. And FWIW sex between minors is illegal - rightly or wrongly.

[minorityrules]

I wasn't projecting anything, I was showing how having a judgemental mother has ruined any private relationship with her, due to how she reacted over teen stuff. Every other part of our relationship is fine

He vomitted through stress! Is that normal behaviour?? I don't think so. You have ignored him..... not belittling? Get real

The language IS language men and adolescents use, if you are around teens, you'd hear it. He is normal!!!

Men can be vile creatures but keep it quiet around women. It's an aplha male thing, they are staking their territory. It means nothing. Watching porn can be a way of being detatched from sex. It isn't a problem

And I won't shut up, I think it is important for our young adults to be trusted and respected. Not scared to speak up about private, emotional actions.

[StifflersMom]

But I am NOT a judgemental mother. This is the truth.

[sugarfree]

Is he back yet?How goes it?

FWIW I don't think any of us know how we are going to react until actually faced with it.So there is no right and wrong,merely 'clumsy' and 'a bit less clumsy'
Parents of under 10s beware.

[Budababe]

Poor thing - he is prob totally mortified. As are you.

(My Dad walked in on me and a boyf "at it"! - now that was embarassing!)

[OrmIrian]

But at what point would you not trust and respect a child minority? If what the OP found out makes her reluctant to do both those things, does that make her wrong. We all draw the line somewhere. Maybe that is her line. How about if he was using/dealing drugs, carrying a knife and using it? I'm not equating these things, but these are also things that young men do. The fact that they are done doesn't make them the right thing to do.

[FrannyandZooey]

I think it would be extremely hard for him to ever get over this huge violation of his privacy. I can't imagine anything worse for most teenagers really.

I feel that you are wanting to punish him for having sexual thoughts and feelings

I understand it must have been a massive shock but now you have had time to absorb things a little, can you not see that although unpleasant for you to read, this was his private feelings and desires expressed in the words that most teenagers use?

[StifflersMom]

He's home yes. He has asked me about a Saturday course he has been chosen to help with at school and I have answered him. He is now having his dinner in the garden (we've eaten.)

It's ok, I have no plans to terrorise, belttile, disrespect or induce any more vomit. I am not actually the "sort of mother" who does those things deliberately.

I will talk to him later.

[minorityrules]

Ooh I'm angry now, what if he had been sent the porn and wanted to ask you a question about it, maybe asking if sex is really like that?? Before he gets to be able to do that, he was dragged out of bed and stressed enough to vomit

Even an insinscere apology is needed, without it he will never feel able to ask you anything to do with sex

And I have been in your sons shoes, and I can tell you you don't get over it

At 16 I was raped by a boyfriend, I wrote in my diary S screwed me. My mother read the diary,said what is this, I started crying and said I wish I was dead..... slapped me around the face and called me a slut. Did I ever confide in her again, absolutley not. She didn't find out about the rape until I was 30. If she had been calm and spoke to me about it, I would have told her straight off, I wanted to talk about it. But her reaction told me I couldn't. when she did find out, she was mortified and apologised, too little too late

I am coming from your son's pov here and that is why I am being so vocal.

[Boco]

Oh dear i really feel for both of you.

He must be mortified by last night.

Try not to make it a huge thing with silences and resentment though - he'll be feeling gutted - the sooner you talk calmly and openly the better for both of you. He's normal, - sure it's not great, but it is normal, he's not a deviant, he's just a 14 year old boy who is curious and becoming a man. Can't imagine how scary that must be for you!

[StifflersMom]

No I promise you I DON'T want to punish him for having sexual thoughts and feelings but you will obviously have to take my word for it.

I am quite happy for him to grow up, have relationships with girls and in the not so far distant future, be having sex with them.

I am not ok with the thought of him having sex now. I am also not alright with him sending girls texts using very hardcare language to describe what he intends to do to them. I know this doesn't mean it's not going to happen but I don't have to feel ok with it.

[babygrand]

I'm definitely looking at YOUR pov though. Things will get easier - it all seems terrible now, but it will blow over and things will become 'normal' again I'm sure. Yes, perhaps you do need to talk things over, but even if you don't, I'm sure things will be OK.

[Budababe]

He may not even feel completly comfortable with it himself tbh. May just be keeping up with gang. It is a hard age - esp in this day and age.

[StifflersMom]

Minority: Why did you write that you were "screwed" if you were "raped"? Surely at 16 you should have realised those things aren't the same. I would hope that your mother would have had a different reaction to her daughter being raped! But how was she to know, from what you wrote? (I am not saying I condone her reaction though for what it's worth.)

Your mother doesn't sound like the same type of mother I know I am to be honest and while I appreciate somewhat why you are reacting in this way, I can't admit to thinking in a way that I don't.

[DaddyJ]

Sounds like you are back on top of things, StifflersMom. Hope this thread helped.

[minorityrules]

I was 16! I wrote lots of things in my diary, usually a whole page. All I wrote on that day was 'x screwed me' That is how I felt ffs. That I was screwed. I wasn't expecting anyone to read it. I was also confused as to what had happened. I thought it was my fault as we had been getting very intimate, under pants action, he jumped on me and 4 pumps and it was over.

Of course I was confused, I was a 16 year old virgin and I didn't know who to turn to

Christ, you need to spend time with teens to understand it all..... youu think my mum was right because of the terminology I used!???

[HuwEdwards]

Coming from the mother of 2DDs (albeit somewhat younger than your DS), I'm comforted that you feel as you do.

If I was the mother of that girl, looking at her phone and finding that film and explicit sexual text, I'd feel mightily unchuffed.

You have my sympathies.

[WideWebWitch]

I've only skimmed but I think:

It's fairly normal for 14yos to be having sex. And talking about it.
He's normal.
You over reacted.

I think you should
a) apologise for having violated his privacy. My mum read my sister's personal diary when sister was 12 and I didn't write ANYTHING down anywhere for YEARS because I was terrified she'd find it
b) advise him about contraception
c) talk to him about women and about how you feel about porn (I dislike porn but I would explain to him WHY you dislike it etc)
d) apologise for going over the top about it. (if you agree you overreacted, maybe you don't)

I was having consensual sex at 14. My mum was hysterical and puritanical about sex (not suggesting you are, just saying what my mum was like) and didn;t know. My dad was liberal and so knew everything AND helped me get contraception because he KNEW that saying 'don't do it' won't ever stop teenagers doing it.

[Mercy]

MR, what a truly awful thing to have happened to you

But your mother's reaction is not the same as Stifflers. She is upset and angry but has not resorted to violence. And I really believe is trying to find a way to deal with her own emotions as well as her son's.

Perhaps if she and dh can find a way to talk about this then maybe, hopefully, less rapes will occur - especially for young women. It's about respect at the end of the day - for boys and girls.


FWIW, I once spent some time looking at PCs at secondary schools. I read some things so repulsive I had to report it, especially as the female classteacher was named (as the object of their (imo) unpleasant fantasies)

[Boco]

Minority how awful

Stifflers any idea how this girl has reacted to this text? Makes a big difference depending on whether she was involved in the dirty texts - doing the same back and seeing it as funny, or alarmed by them.

[minorityrules]

It doesn't have to be violent to lose trust. Cold shoulder is enough. Aren't we told shouting at children is just as bad as smacking them? Why are teens/young adults any different

She took what she had seen and without giving me a chance to talk, went into OTT behaviour. The slap wasn't the end of it. I too got the cold shoulder. And the feeling of letting down a parent is a harsh one.

The kids needs an apology before the damage is irreversable.

And if one of my daughters received a text like that, I'd use it to bring about a discussion, IF the told me.....I wouldn't be snooping through their phone

Show teens respect, guidance and boundaries and they will respond positively.

[minorityrules]

Oh and the girls are just as bad as the boys in the way they talk

This girl will either join in, in the sex talk or be mortified and tell you son to sling his hook

[HuwEdwards]

or maybe she'll feel cheapened and threatened by the film.... ya know, just a thought.