Feel so disgusted and shocked at DS - just don't want to look him in the face.

[StifflersMom]

DS is 14 - soon to be fifteen. I knew he had a bit of an on/off "thing" with a girl at school but was reasonably confident that nothing much had happened. He doesn't really get much opportunity to socialise outside of school as he is very involved with a particular sport and he also goes to school in a different town to where we live but occasionally, eg in half terms, he will make arrangements to go off on his own with his school friends for the day.

First let me say I am not a prudish mother, I do not vehemently disapprove of him having girlfriends and a bit of snogging etc as to what I personally feel is appropriate for a teenager of his age. I even feel glad that he is "fancied" and seems popular.

DS and I have not been getting on lately. I catch him out in lies and he has been giving DH and I a lot of attitude which I realise is all in keeping with the normal stuff parents of teens have to go through. However, its been worse lately; he's been rebelling big time over a treatment regime he has to follow for a medical condition and yesterday, in complete exasperation and anger I told him I didn't want to speak to him for the rest of the day because I couldn't bear being spoken to with so little respect and apparent dislike.

When he was in bed and I was putting stuff away in his room I came across his phone and took it out and looked at it. I am not going to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of that; I don't do it as rule and I realise that even 14 year olds deserve some privacy but I reserve the right to check out what it going on in his life in whatever way I can when I have concerns and we are not communicating well. He is after all, still a child.

I was shocked and horrified by what I found. Texts sent to this on/off girlfriend; REAL adult content, I mean really pornographic descriptions (again I must stress that I am not prudish about such things but I think there is a time for this and it is not at 14 years of age.) It described what he wanted to do to her in explicit detail and in words I really can't imagine him using. (I realise I am denial here, with the last statement, but sorry I just can't take that on board, that he would speak like that and then actively TELL her these things!)

I also found a short porno film, again full hardcore content but with all the sounds and close ups.

I hauled him out of bed, admitted I had looked at his phone and at what I had found. The colour drained out of his face immediately. He attempted a couple of different stories until I insisted that nothing other than the truth would suffice. He said his mates had got hold of his phone some days before he had sent the text and eventually he had sent it to her. But that they weren't his words.

I asked him if he had had sex. He denied it. I asked him if he was aware that having sex with a girl under 16 was a crime, that he (or WE!) could be prosectuted and that HE would be the only one really deemed to be in the wrong, as the male. He said yes but that he wasn't having sex.

I then cried (pathetically) and said I was disgusted and that I couldn't beleive he was either doing this stuff, or at the very least promising to by text, at 14. That 14 is very different to 16, 17 or 18 and that there will be a time in a few years when it really isn't my business but for now it is.

He was so stressed he threw up. Normally this would have appalled me; to upset him that much but it had no effect pn my last night. I just felt disgust and still do today.

He'll be home from school at 5.30 and I don't know how to deal with him. I couldn't speak to him this morning and I don't want to now or even look him in the face.

Biggest point here is I don't know what is/isn't the truth, what he is/isn't up to. He says it's only kissing and cuddling but would YOU believe that after a text like that? (You'll have to use your imagine; I can't bring myself say what it said but it involved much use of the word "pssy", fck, cock and tit w*nk, and what he wanted to do "all over her." ) (At 14 years old!!)

I am aware I may possibly be over reacting. But I can't help the way I feel. Please tell me what you think about how I should handle this.

By the way, DH was there and fully backed me up but I do feel that this is much less of a "big deal" for him. A "bloke thing" obviously.

[tigermoth]

What a rollercoaster of a thread. Stifflersmum, I think cod's posts have been great in reminding you to take the heat out of the situation. I think you did great to talk to your son so soon after this morning and for it to have been a productive two-way conversation. To do that you must get on well together.

I do overreact at times, especially when my ds (13) has been really uncooperative. I have not had this sex stuff happen yet, but can see how I could react in the same way as you.

Cod made a really good point about reminding this 14 year old that his texts could be seen by anyone so be careful what he writes.

How easy is it for your son to see this on/off girlfriend? Would he want to take her to the cinema - is it that sort of relationship? Could you by way of making up and showing you respect his relationships offer to pay a night out at the cinema tickets for him and her?



(Also, about the vomiting. IME some people vomit under stress/surprise/excitement much more easily than others. My ds used to vomit reguarly when he didn't get his way. He did this until he was about 8 years old and I think he could still do it now. My dh is the same - if we have an agument or something happens out of the blue, he has been known to vomit. I am not a monster, I assure you! IME vomiting does not necessarily signify deep and lasting emotional trauma).

[TheDaVinciCod]

ta tm

[ELF1981]

I dont think this thread should be killed off, there have been some very good points raised. And what SM (great name btw!) has posted, we may all find ourself in that situation.

[ELF1981]

(and I think that SM's actions afterwards were correct, I'm not bashing her)

[DominiConnor]

Young people tend to see the shortest path between two points.
If you give him grief about porn, he won't stop watching it, but take more steps to hide it.

If you look into his phone, expect next time for it to have a PIN code set. The smarter kid will actually have an old PAYG for you to find.

Fact is the odds are that they are having sex, and regardless of the grief you give him, if they haven't yet, they will soon.

You can try threats...
Having been a 14/15 yo boy, I'd just wait until you'd finished, lie to whatever degree seemed expedient and then go and shag my girlfriend.

You've lost, game over.
The trick is to lose gracefully.

Since sex is an imminent prospect, then contraception rears it's ugly head. The statistics show that regardless of universal sex education, that teenagers simply aren't very good at this.
You have three options.
1: Fight and lose some more.
2: Fight harder and lose big time
3: Negotiate peace.

You have a lot of carrots, and frankly no stick big enough to remotely compare with his hormones. Blokes put each other in hospital in fights over girls, I assume that's beyond your range of sanctions.

Carrots are cooperation in his sex life, mostly not hassling him over bringing the g/f round.
As I mentioned in a very similar thread, she is god's own carrot.
You want DS to work harder at school ?
Maybe be more polite ?
Certainly you want him to take appropriate precautions ?

Fine, you can make his sex life much more frequent and stress free.

The obvious basis for a sweet deal here ?

The g/f is not your enemy either.
She has him by the balls, in a very literal sense. Recruit her as an ally.

[minorityrules]

no one is saying underage sex is right ffs

Some of us are saying adolescents think and talk about it long before they do it. Its called growing up

And ALL teens will think and talk about it, whether they wait for marriage to have sex. Christ, don't you remember those hormones and feelings and thinking wtf. It's doubly hard for boys, their willies have a mind of their own and they have a physical reaction to the thoughts and feelings (and sometimes for no apparent reason!)

I personally was shocked by the boys reaction and the cold shoulder (over what I think is normal stuff) Now they have chatted and broken the ice, OP can now help guide son and son can ask the best person for advice, his parent not playground gossip!

[minorityrules]

Brilliant post DC!!!

A mans view..... you are vile creatures really

[Mercy]

DC, your post is only one man's view. I have heard other and different views expressed.

[bananabump]

This is what you get for invading someone's privacy. You gave no good reason for looking on his phone apart from good old fashioned curiosity (I could have understood if you thought he was taking drugs or in trouble)

I think you should be ashamed that the fact you dragged him out of bed and laid into him so badly he threw up. It was a rude message, and a rude video, he didn't kill anyone!

Completely agree with minority and milkchocolate on this one. Hope you have learnt from this to give him his privacy as he won't stop, but he will get more crafty and better at hiding his tracks from you.

[Mercy]

oh fgs

She did what she thought was right in the circumstances and at the time. Easy to criticise with hindsight.

Stiffler, custardo has got a lot on her plate right now but she's always got good advice re teenagers. Hopefully she'll see this.

[minorityrules]

Mercy do you have teens or got them to adulthood?

The teenage years are (imo) the hardest stage of parenting.

You can't parent them with the rod of steel anymore as they have as much right to a say as you do. You can't pass your thoughts on to them as they are now making sense of their own thoughts.

Teens range from one minute knowing it all (and are adamant they do) to wanting to sit on your lap hugged (but don't tell their friends!)

I still think OP overreacted but it looks like she has repaired it now (or on the road to repairing it)

[Wilkie]

Just been talking to DH about this.

He reckons the porn on the phone will prob be on EVERY 14 year olds phones. I have a graphic porn film on my phone that one of DHs mates sent me for a joke. It's disgusting. But imagine, one lad at school gets a 'cool' porn from a mate, it will go round the entire year at school within a matter of minutes so I wouldn't particularly worry about that.

The explicit messages I would be upset by but again, I'm sorry to say is probably 'the norm' nowadays (very very sad but true).

Definately sit down with DH and DS and discuss it with him in no nonsense, graphically frank detail. Pull no punches. You are better having him on your side i.e. will come to you for advice than pushing him further away to hide his action.

Sorry, have only read OP and a few messages so if this has already been said I apologise.

[Mercy]

MR, my post was addresed to Bananabump (I did say in my first post I don't have teenagers)

I had my privacy 'invaded' as a teenager. Just as well imo.

[expatinscotland]

I've only read the OP.

But for all you keep saying you're not prudish, I think you sort of are.

Teens I knew said a lot of this stuff at that age. Some had sex, many didn't, but it was all about the talk.

My best friend and I found some porn in her parents' room when we weren't home - yeah, we looked - at that age, and we didn't hesitate to watch it.

Honestly, I'd be more concerned if he weren't experimenting like that at that age!

It's normal!

I agree w/DC.

We plan to talk to our girls about contraception at about age 10-12 and definitely get them the HPV vaccine.

Part of being a mother is realising that my children are going to be teens and women and they need me to be strong even more then than when they're young.

[expatinscotland]

Like DC, I knew my mother snooped in my room and in my gear and how she'd flip out if she found anything, so I hid a lot of my life from them.

I got lucky in that I lost my virginity to a man who cared about me and about contraception and disease prevention, but it could easily have gone a different way.

[ViciousSquirrelSpotter]

Hmm

I know this is all done and dusted now, but I would think carefully about how you want DS to talk to you about sex/ feelings/ gf's/ problems in the future.

Do you think your chat with him this evening has been enough to reassure him that if he has a major problem and it's in any way related to sex, he could come to you for advice about it?

If so, all well and good.

[StifflersMom]

Kerry yes I was in shock. I am still getting a little "jolt" when I think about it but I am feeling better. DS too is feeling better about things. He ate like a horse at dinner time and was chatting normally to me before I went out this evening.

Yes I do fear him growing up but not perhaps for the reasons it might be assumed I do. I want him to have all these experiences (well, relationships, sex etc and as many "experiences" in general as he possibly can) I'm just not happy about him having the the sex ones yet and I won't pretend I am. I worry about him growing up because the average lifespan of someone with his illness it 31 years. But I try not to think about that.


SquirrelSpotter, I went back had another word with him before I went out (he was dozing on his bed, listening to music - was knackered bless him as I know he didn't sleep well last night after the showdown - yes cruel wicked mother!) I said to him that despite what had happened I wanted him to know that he could always come to me with anything he is worried about and I would rather he did that that have me stressing away over what he is bottling up. And that I will always try to react calmly in these cases. At the same time I made it clear that I do not expect to be "told everything" by a long shot. He said ok.

ExPat, I'm not a prude. I'm not afraid to discuss sex with my children; I just don't want them having it until they are at least 16. This is not unreasonable, I know it's not. But as Colditz said what I want and what DS does are two different matters which I appreciate.

Minority you have made your point (several times). I think we will have to agree to disagree that I am not not like you have described your mother nor is my relationship with my son similar to yours with her, that I can tell. DS and are actually pretty close and very similar (almost think each other's thoughts sometimes; we laugh about it) which is why the lack of communication of late has bothered me. Which is why I gave into the temptation to look at his phone. I don't generally do it obviously, as no doubt I'd have had a nasty shock a lot sooner.

cod, Northerner and Flyingmachine; thank you for your understanding. It means a lot. I came on here wanting advice but I suppose (stupidly) that I didn't expect my whole parenting role and style to be overhauled and criticise. My mistake; I am a long standing and prolific Mner who you all know under another name. So I should have known.

For those of you who have persistantly "gone off on one" despite my best efforts to explain that my usual relationship with DS is a good one, I can only persist in saying that I love and care deeply for him; he is my firstborn and of all my children, the one most like me. And I know all our children are precious to us but he is doubly so because since he was a few weeks old I have known I could lose him. I don't dwell on this; I want him to live as normal life as possible and I think we achieve that for the most part but perhaps even though you don't agree with why I reacted as I did, you can understand a little of how I felt when I discovered another side to him that I did not expect to know about yet. It was a shock. And as I think I said earlier, there is no book with all the rules about what to do. Most human beings "lose it" at some point or other, as far as I know it's part of being human.

I feel a little wiser about my son in general this evening. He has asked to stay at his friend's house a week Saturday and I have agreed. I can't and won't tie him to my apron strings but if I am faced with evidence of him behaving in a way I feel appropriate, I can't just ignore it. And I can't promise to always be as calm as some of your would have me be!

But thanks all.

[TheDaVinciCod]

i think you were fab

dio i haev your email addy? haev summat to tlel you

[StifflersMom]

Yes. So that's me partially out of the closet. But don't name me anyone, for DS's sake, confidentiality and all. (Says she who is a fine one to talk! )

[StifflersMom]

Don't think so cod.

And I'm not sure you usually think I'm fab so lol!

I will CAT you.

[ViciousSquirrelSpotter]

Hmm. Thing is, I can remember my mother telling me I could tell her anything as well. And I said OK. And i thought "yeah, right". And have never told her anything since. Are you sure he means it? (Do you want him to mean it? I must admit there's a part of me that thinks, Oh Gawd, I wish there was someone else to deal with this side of things for him... but obviously they may not be your feelings!

[StifflersMom]

It's still not legal though Kerry and they can be legal repercussions as a result of that. I don't want DS having that experience!