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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 18:14

Thanks itchyknees - he also won’t look me in the eye - but I guess that’s just teenage boy thing and their mothers - I read somewhere that boys have all these sex hormones going on and avoid their mum as (she) generally is the closest female to him and of course sexual feelings towards your mum is completely wrong

OP posts:
puppymouse · 04/08/2018 18:20

I am struggling to believe this is real OP. You seem to be not handling this completely differently to any other parent I have ever met. Your son must need some boundaries and rules to keep him safe at 12?

Runninglateeveryday · 04/08/2018 18:22

The 20 year old "friend" is really weird , did you get his name?! What 20 year old would want to hang out with a 12 year old, only one most probably planning on exploiting him.

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 18:28

Hi people- I would like to say a special thank you to everyone who has reminded me the importance of boundaries and consequences as through my parenting life it hadn’t really crossed my mind.

I thought you gave birth and then met with them maybe 20 years later when they resemble a reasonable human being.

I now realise the error of my ways - and you never guess what I’ve just found a magic wand and waved it in front of my son and as if by magic he’s changed into perfect Peter from horrid Henry - he can’t do enough for me! He’s even making my dinner as I type.

So therefore problem solved thanks again and no need to post anymore ‘advice’.

I’m now going to open my bottle of gin and rhubarb liqueur because I feel like a celebratory drink

Ching ching 😁🥂

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 18:30

Yes running- I’ve got his name and age - I was going to take a photo of him with my phone but thought better of it when I realised he was a bit weird and getting anxious

OP posts:
SirHubzALot · 04/08/2018 18:32

I think may be you have misunderstood the situation. Locking my son up is not really an option

I think the situation is pretty clear. You are allowing your vulnerable child to be put in a situation where he is open to exploitation and worse. This is irrelevant of whether your son does in fact have a specific learning need or mental health problem.

No one is suggesting locking him up. Be as sarcastic as you like about it but your priority is to keep your child safe. If this means ringing the police if he leaves home without permission then this is what you must do.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 18:37

Actually OP I see where you’re coming from, given his current emotional state and also your own past experience just laying down the law isn’t going to cut it.

Much as it’s tempting, it’s not a solution just to say “no” because he won’t listen and could run, leaving him far more vulnerable and exposed to god knows what.

You’ll get there, it sounds like you’ve got some good ideas for moving forward so I wish you well.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/08/2018 18:50

Glad you’re still able to lol your way through the situation, op...
He told you he was meeting a friend and you believed him. And it turned out to be a 20 year old with mental health problems...
The way you’re handling this is beyond belief, tbh. He’s putting himself in some potentially very dangerous situations, and you’re still giggling away at anyone who suggests you get a handle on it before the worst happens.
What’s the bloody matter with you?

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 18:53

thanks yetalk shite

last time I grounded him I hid his trainers and locked the windows - i think most kids would accept they just wouldn't be going out.

Not mine - he found a pair of my trainers (same shoe size) prised open the bathroom window with an item of cutlery (it wasn't locked properly as the catch had broken), climbed out and down via some really unsafe scaffolding we had outside the house and did a runner.

Apart from if he had fallen he would have probably broken his neck, if we'd had a house fire we would have burnt to a cinder.

We didn't call the police as we knew exactly where he was via the find friends app on his phone so collected him as soon as we knew he was missing.

My child has no sense of danger and no understanding of consequences. He is a complete control freak and acted like it was all 'cool' when we picked him up (from a girls house)! as if to say 'told you you can't ground me!'

he's a nightmare lol

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/08/2018 18:54

Lol Hmm

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 18:54

I have no choice but to 'lol' the alternative is not an option for me

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 18:56

DSD has done similar OP, and it’s hard going!

We found that laying down the law, much as it’s tempting just didn’t work. So it took a few years of trial and error and counselling for her (and us!) before she finally settled down.

There is nobody more determined than a pissed off teenager!

So hopefully you letting him go out sometimes will mean no more midnight runs out the door! A wee bit of a give and take can work wonders.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 18:58

I have to add there were some rules that were non negotiable but as long as these were adhered too we were a bit more lenient with other things.

So no running away, no disappearing without being contactable, and no kicking about with older/inappropriate people, no drugs at all, no drinking with pals.

But if she listened to that she still kept her phone, got to go out (with a curfew) and see friends.

Eventually she got there.

YeTalkShiteHen · 04/08/2018 18:59

And keeping the find my friends app on at all times was a must!

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 19:02

omg I wouldn't survive without the find friends app.

OP posts:
Runninglateeveryday · 04/08/2018 19:10

I'd do a Sarah's law disclosure on this man , very odd.

iloveeggandcressbutties · 04/08/2018 19:16

Name changed @Marie0
My son has settled down a bit. He started a new school -fresh start, and is on a low dose AD for low mood. He still has the odd smoke of weed but I refuse to have it Around my home. The whole thing started when he was 12. We're getting on better. We still have days when I think I feel so angry and pissed off with him or DH does. I'm just waiting for him to grow up a bit more. He's thinks he's grown up but isn't ready for the responsibility yet and the pressure to be cool or whatever it is now is crazy.
I will carry on supporting him but it might give me a heart attack doing it. It's certainly making me go grey.

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 19:22

I love g and cress butties
Really glad your son is a bit more settled- it’s never been this hard to be a teenager-

You sound like you got things under control, at least most of the time - just keep looking ahead and not behind, be positive, take one day at a time we’ll all get there in the end 👍🏻

OP posts:
Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 04/08/2018 19:22

Why would you, Running? He’s 20, he’s allowed to be out on his own. It’s op’s job to keep her 12 year old safe, but that doesn’t involve trying to clear the streets of everyone else who might be unsafe Hmm
How could that possibly be workable?

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 04/08/2018 19:24

Excuse me if this has been said, have only read the first few pages, but....If he’s anxious could he be using it to self medicate for the anxiety, OP? I didn’t start drinking until I was 16-17 but looking back that was because I was anxious. I had been anxious for my entire childhood but I didn’t discover drinking until I was 16 and I thought it was MAGIC. Finally! A cure!

Anyway, it obviously wasn’t but I had to develop quite a bad drinking problem before I realised that and eventually stopped in my early 20s when I had therapy and discovered proper actual medication. I’m now someone who hardly drinks but Prozac has been my saviour. It could be worth trying to get him to talk about that and whether he needs to be on something for his anxiety.

puppymouse · 04/08/2018 19:25

Your sarcastic response is interesting considering you are the one asking for help on an internet parenting site. Not sure what you expected.

I really hope you can work this out Thanks

Runninglateeveryday · 04/08/2018 19:25

Well I would be highly suspicious of any adult that wanted to hang around with a 12 year old, he may have history and I'd want to make police aware even if no history

iloveeggandcressbutties · 04/08/2018 19:35

I just wanted to add that I completely get what you are going through. I have read a few books which did help me become a bit calmer sometimes when dishing out the boundaries. I have also tried to keep them reasonable also accepting that they will get pushed and broken sometimes. What else can you do? From you're posts you have done everything possible. All you can do is keep going and get help for him and to back you up through camhs and ss. I really feel for you because I know what it's like and how stressful it is to feel like you're child is lost to you.
I did read somewhere that boys reject their mums at adolescence so they can go on to make relationships with other women when they are adults, also if you reject because of the behaviour then it is easier for them to leave you.
I'm sending you GinThanksCakeand hugs.

FruitCider · 04/08/2018 19:36

OP if the 20 year old man was a play worker he is not allowed to meet with your son in a personal capacity - this is a safeguarding issue and a MASSIVE red flag. You cannot allow your son to see this man!!!

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 19:42

Yes - we’re having a last ditch attempt to try and find out how this came about and what they were talking about but he’s gone off in one again - so we’ll give the police a call

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