My 12 year old son is smoking weed

[Marie0]

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

Stuff

Marie I agree with BifsWif and a couple of other posters regarding a young growing and changing brain.

My husband is a Neurologist and he says smoking weed, especially at young ages can cause serious permanent damage, such as to short term memory which of course can affect education and learning.

It is NOT very common

I work with young people and schools and I am far from naive. I know it happens.

But the vast majority of children are not smoking dope and having sex at 12 and you are deluding yourself if you think this is normal,

OP - You need professional help with your son - contact social services and ask for help, they will probably offer a family support worker or similar. This is the kind of input you need, to help you strengthen your parenting, and to help your son manage his behaviour.
You need to do this before it is too late.
I am a social worker working in CAMHS and that is my advice. You need outside help - start by contacting social services (children's services), and tell them EVERYTHING.

Well done in getting him talking OP

please try what Middleagedmum44 said up thread.
it Really related to me, I actually felt quite tearful reading it.

You've got some good advice on this thread now. You can do it.

You asked if I turned out alright? I did, but even now I look back a wonder, how?
my mum washed her hands of me, but my dad kept the lines of communications open, and was there for me.

Youve made a really good start. Hes a frightened child and he needs to feel secure and loved. If he is on the spectrum or/and has pda then normal discipline will have the opposite effect. You need to be creative and work with him in a reduced pressure way

OP . Read up on pda. It’s anxiety based but comes under the asd umbrella. As your other dc has asd possibility. Pda approaches may well work better.

Op it sounds like you are walking on eggshells and that isn’t helping anyone

Yes thank you just likebefore
Middle age mum 44 gave some great advice which was very encouraging.

Glad you turned out ok. I too believe in the importance of keeping lines of communication open- just wish he’d listen more often!

Yes I’ll read up on PDA - I know something is not right as he just doesn’t respond to any traditional ways of discipline. He’s awful to his younger brother - it breaks my heart when calls him retarded and stupid, (even though he’s bright but not in an obvious way) but I need him to realise I love him the same. I’ll work harder on my relationship with him then maybe he will be more responsive to various techniques and we can get things back on track

Nor does my dd with PDA and ASD , its tough. It is an atypical presentation and its tough x

I am you. My son has done the same things, going out at night, stealing, aggressive to us, smoking weed etc. He's 14 now and we hit rock bottom a few times. I think he has been depressed although I didn't realise it at the time. trying to find his tribe, wanting to fit in, looking for approval from his peers. He hated school and didn't go for quite a while which made matters worse. We couldn't cope and our marriage was under immense strain. It was really horrible at home. He got so bad he wanted to die. We took him to gp who referred to camhs and he is now getting help. Social services also offered some support. We took it all. His awful behaviour I feel was an expression of how he felt about himself and added to that the teen behaviour of risk taking and the usual stuff. He doesn't have a diagnosis of ASD and I don't think he is. We (DH)are learning how to be calmer and making a real effort to support each other. Keep repeating what behaviour you expect of everyone living in your home to do. Stick together, get help from all the sources you can. We're going to do a parenting course too. Keep communicating, listen to him, keep calm. Not all kids will automatically end up in prison etc when they grow up. He's a child who needs help. I'm not soft on mine, at least I don't think so, but I will keep on keeping on even though sometimes I feel like, well you know, don't you.

JustLikeBefore I know exactly where you are coming from - I was a terrible teen that nobody could "control". I was wild!!! Really wild!! I've seen it and done it (and don't remember most of it!!) I got myself in some pretty scary situations.
My mother gave up - after trying every punishment under the sun and lots of screaming, crying, police involvement etc etc she sent me
away - I was then a completely unsupervised out of control teen - now that's a huge mess that takes years to clean up!
I have a great life now but that was more by chance than anything else. I could have had a very different and much sadder ending but fortunately for me I met some good people over the years who have changed my life for the better.
I am now the proud mother of two teenage boys and I am parenting them very differently from the way I was brought up
OP don't give up, he's only 12, keep talking, be strong and be a mum he needs you now more than ever. It's hard work being a parent but sometimes a big shock gives everyone the shake up they need and something good can come out of a bad situation

Thank your Alditha and middle aged mum. I feel much stronger- I think I’d got weighed down I was just shutting down.

I think for me the hardest thing is to see beyond the behaviour and realise he (I hope) doesn’t mean it when he tells me how much he despises me and wishes I would die -

I forget sometimes he’s only 12 and vulnerable- I’m going to tell him every day that he’s wanted and loved but I’m not going to respond to aggressive or verbal abuse I’ll walk away.

He’s so intense and can go from reasonably placid to raging in about 5 seconds, he has no control over his emotions and can’t seem to manage them. I’m not sure I know how to teach him that. He is also a complete control freak and can’t cope with not feeling in charge.

He also doesn’t grasp consequences - he’ll do the punishment then will repeat the same mistake within a day - then act completely bewildered as to why he’s being grounded again or why the Wi-fi is off, honestly he’s impossible!

Part of me thinks I’m too soft but when I do lay down the law it makes no difference- in fact he’s worse!

I’ve just checked on him. Fast asleep angelic looking as if butter wouldn’t melt. Half eaten bag of chips on his desk - I might finish them actually 😂
Hey ho 😀

Alditha how is your son now? Have things calmed down a bit? Hope you’re all ok - I keep telling myself we’ll all come out the other end and everything will be fine - I think that’s all we can do ❣

Marie0 tonight your son is home in bed without an argument. You've told him you love him, he's fed, he's sleeping, he's safe, he is not smoking weed or having sex! You have been a mum and he has been a 12 year old boy. You did that!!! Tonight was a win! One small step at a time x

That sounds really dreadful, You must be at your wits end. No one has a baby expecting things will turn out like this.

What support do you have with your autistic son, are they not able to help you manage your DS? Or at least help you get a referral for him or point you in the direction for how to do it? Has he never had a review or a diagnosis? IF he has ADHD meds may help him feel calmer and focused and allow you all some time to address his behaviour and the way you respond to it. If he’s on the verge of expulsion is there not some alternative type schooling he can get into

Were you annoyed At the mother of the 13 year old girl who had him and didn’t tell you?

Forgot to add:

All little boys love their mums (even if they are absolutely bloody awful!!) he doesn't really want you to die

Thanks middle age mum 😀, thank you star struck- actually my child with autism is absolutely wonderful at the moment- he constantly tells me he adores me and gives me loads of hugs. He will occasionally emerge from his room where he lives in a world where he speaks to his friends on a head set whilst playing minecraft all day and we’ll watch bake off as he loves cake.

Apart from me having to bribe him to go out (only at the moment because it’s school holidays) to take the dog for a walk as he’s so lazy (usually with a Yorkie so kind of defeats the object of exercise).

We have an amazing relationship- so only support we have or need is in school. He’s going to high school in September and we’ve got his transition all sorted and access to ‘the base’ where he can go at anytime if he feels overwhelmed. He’s already told me as he’s special he won’t have to queue at the canteen he’s allowed to get his lunch earlier- bless him 😃

My older one with all the problems is due to see educational psychologist in September and we hope he will be able to make a referral to either cahms or whoever. We currently have a youth worker from Families First who is really good and we will discuss the drugs issue with him who can hopefully talk some sense into my son as he doesn’t want to listen to us. He has been offered counselling through school but to my dismay turned this down which was out of my hands. I have suggested we go as a family and see a therapist but he’s said he won’t do that so it’s pointless me looking into that and making an appointment.

I’m reluctant to contact Ss or police at this time as I’d like to see how things pan out in September when he returns to school. At our last meeting at school it was suggested that he’s moved to the PRU (pupil referral unit) which is a different part of the school building where all the naughty children go - I’m not sure how I feel about that though -

If he gets expelled my DH has already said he will home school him as he works from home and I go out to work- although I know my son won’t want that either as his friends are important to him

My priority right now is to deal with aggression and violence- his state of mind is so fragile everything else pales into insignificance.

Like you my marriage has come under incredible strain - it zaps all your energy- the worst thing is when my youngest says ‘mummy I don’t like Dan, can’t he live somewhere else?’ - luckily he’s often unaware of all the conflict as he’s in his room with his head phones on

Oh sorry forgot to add - no I wasn’t annoyed at the girls mum - I was relieved. I had gone to an address which I didn’t know and was met with a parent who actually seemed to like my son - she said they were really good and they were just friends and he was welcome to stay around anytime.

I then felt guilty as on my way to that house I was expecting the worst - teenagers smoking or drinking / having sex - I don’t what, I felt guilty as I expected the worst and I shouldn’t do that - it was lovely that it all seemed innocent and above board.

You are in charge so cut of his money supply and get the local community police officer to talk to him.

It sounds like you have had to put a lot of time and energy into your youngest DS and perhaps your DS has watched that from the sidelines and resents it. He maybe copes by pushing back, pushing you away and being defensive. Does he play minecraft or watch tv with you. Probably he doesn’t and says something like it’s F. Crap but he might really be wanting that too, can you find a series the two of you can watch together, just you two, one episode a day or every couple of days... let him pick. Even buy a box set, if you don’t have Netflix or similar, they are really cheap nowadays on amazon.

I think the fact you were relieved rather than fuming that someone had your child without telling you shows how worn down and exhausted you are, and that you are now looking at your son from the position of what’s he done now? Can you try to go back to seeing him as the child he is, not his behaviour? Maybe you need to take a picture of him sleeping angellically to remind you, when he is at his absolute worst?

It’s all so easy to say from the comfort of not having to go through what you are, I get that. And am in no way criticising you, but as you know some things really need to change from all of you, If the school want to move him to that unit, it might help with the assessment etc and maybe changing some behaviour patterns, or can you look at some parenting/communication programs to learn to change the ways you communicate.

Yes I agree I think he resents the relationship I have with my youngest but I’ve always been careful to not make him feel left out. I always invite him if I take DS2 to the cinema - or anywhere else. I have made an effort with him to try and do stuff just me and him - like shopping or out for lunch, but he just says he’s not interested and tells me to go away. Occasionally he’ll ask to go shopping but I realise that’s just so he can get me to spend money on him rather than spending quality time then I feel used.
I’ll always ask him how he is and how his day was - I’ll often ask if he wants to watch TV or a film and occasionally he will but it’s either something I think is unsuitable or we’ll watch something, he won’t say a word and if I talk he’ll shush me. But I guess being in the same room together not talking is better than nothing. I really do try very hard to have a relationship with him but he rejects me virtually all of the time unless there’s something in it for him like me spending money on him .

We’ve also been on a parenting course called ‘talking teens’ which was interesting and informative but nothing really we weren’t already doing in terms of how we communicate and deal with situations.

I think whatever is wrong is very deep rooted and he won’t talk to us.

You are the reason for your son's behaviour. You have enabled him by allowing this to escalate.

It is in your power to control this BEFORE it's too late. Next steps are hard drugs and crime.

You NEED to involve the police and social services. You are the adult. Start acting like one.

No money. No phone. Nothing.

Violence, then the police are called. Everytime.

If a stranger assaulted you, you'd call the police. Your son bullys you because you allow him to.

Stop fucking around with the softly approach. It won't work.

This was my mum's best friend's son. She buried him at age 19, heroin overdose.