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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 12 year old son is smoking weed

277 replies

Marie0 · 03/08/2018 17:24

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

OP posts:
iloveeggandcressbutties · 04/08/2018 19:45

Is the 20year old bloke a dealer. They usually send a text to their customers telling them what's on offer. I assume if someone was smoking weed they would be a bit paranoid with eyes looking a bit red and squinty. Maybe that's why he wasn't looking you directly when challenged. I can't believe the dodgy types my son has told me he's met and mixed with. Often young adults and older teens. I don't know what you could do about that but raising a safeguarding concern through SS might be needed. I just keep talking with him to build a connection and try to advise. My son was younger when it started but I became aware of this more recently.

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 19:49

Tbh I don’t think the bloke was a dealer and I think it was ‘Innocent’ from a drugs point of view - nevertheless his mental state of mind and age were ringing alarm bells for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 19:50

I can also access my sons phone log and text messages as his iPhone is linked to an iPad I keep at home and there was nothing- but I don’t have access to his snap chat account or any other way of communicating

OP posts:
iloveeggandcressbutties · 04/08/2018 19:59

Actually having access to phone is really good because we didn't. And that means you can monitor what's going on. Another thing my boy did was go to London without my knowledge, hanging around with an older boy who took him there. Good grief if he ever gets married I'm sure I'll hear all the horror stories.

FruitCider · 04/08/2018 21:14

Does your son allow you to look at snapchat etc?

Original poster
Marie0 · 04/08/2018 21:37

No he won’t show me his phone- so I’m not sure what’s going on with snap chat

OP posts:
Allington · 04/08/2018 21:49

Have a look at The Explosive Child by Dr Ross Green, it has given me a useful way of approaching DD's 'quirks'. It starts from the point of children will do well if they can, and if they are not, how to discover why and help them. In the meantime take every chance you have to catch your DS getting something right and letting him know you have noticed it.

Dljlr · 05/08/2018 02:27

a lot of the behaviour you describe could well be as the result of smoking weed - threw a table because he didn't like the way you looked at him? classic

Hmm Amazing, I had no idea this was a 'classic' symptom of smoking dope. Probably because that's a complete load of shite.

No advice op, but you sound a lovely, concerned and knackered parent. I wish you all the very best.

RedneckStumpy · 05/08/2018 03:16

If that was my child I would smack them into the next time zone.

My kids know drugs are unacceptable

Fightthebear · 05/08/2018 04:20

You seem to move between minimising the seriousness of the situation and real fear about what’s going on with your son op. It’s not very common for 12 year olds to physically injure their parents or be beyond control.

He sounds like he has very complex needs. If the time for involving social
services isn’t now when is it?

Sorry you have so much on your plate.

Scoopofchaff · 05/08/2018 04:35

Have you considered that it might be the drugs causing the defiance and aggressive behaviour?

You need to find out how long he has been smoking for and in what quantity.

FruitCider · 05/08/2018 09:36

No he won’t show me his phone- so I’m not sure what’s going on with snap chat

So why he is he allowed a phone with access to social media that he is too young to use if you cannot monitor his usage? Who is in control here?

You said you have the find a friend app, but earlier you also said he turns the data off so you can't use it. Therefore the phone is as useful as a chocolate tea pot to you. It's a privelege he is misusing to meet 20 year old men, why does he still have it?

Come on OP, throughout this thread you have made excuse after excuse about why you cannot manage his behaviour. I think you are either unwilling to or don't know how to. I know this is a really personal question but what parenting did you have as a child? As it seems you think having such loose reins is normal. It really isn't...

I'm a prison detox nurse and my care is full of 18-21 year olds that were smoking cannabis at 12 years old and were allowed out until late at night. Seriously. This is a slippery slope. You really need to gain control before it is too late.

YeTalkShiteHen · 05/08/2018 09:46

Can a condition of him having his phone be that you have full access? Snapchat makes me really uncomfortable, by its very nature it is secretive and sneaky and a lot can be said without anyone else knowing.

I think for me that would be a non negotiable rule.

GoldenMcOldie · 05/08/2018 09:57

OP you seem to consistently ignore those of us who suggest that you grow a pair and start taking control of this situation.

Take the fucking phone away. He is 12 years old. It's very heart warming that you want to keep the lines of communication open - I guarantee that your son has zero respect for your rules and boundaries. That is because you have NO rules or boundaries. He is playing you.

You are his worst enemy. It is very sad that you can't see that.

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 10:00

I understand that it’s not easy and he seems to have complex issues but Jesus fucking Christ actually start doing some parenting.

Bechetdiagnosed · 05/08/2018 10:03

He behaves the way he does because you have not given him firm boundaries.

Unless you pull this back quickly and take a consistent firm line, you will have lost him forever.

He has no respect for you, school or authority. That is a very worrying situation indeed.

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 12:01

Yes I realise I need to be taking a lot more control

I called the police last night about the incident with the 20 year old man. It turns out the man had texted my son to meet him (I didn’t get these messages on the iPad as they were ‘i messages’- I don’t really understand technology so it seems I can only read some messages on the iPad. I think he must have got my sons number from play scheme a few years ago. It’s now been blocked.

Police were great and he responded well to the talk they had. We’ve re-in forced that drugs are totally unacceptable and he revealed he’s only smoked weed a few times as it helps him ‘chill’ as he always feels angry and/or anxious. I’ve said we will find another way to deal with his feelings- I have informed his youth worker and will see what he suggests as the next step.

I’m reluctant to remove his phone as that’s a safety issue- it’s the only way we can contact each other when he’s out, but I have increased his phone data so he has no need to turn it off to save his data. I will now know where he is at all times via the find friends app.

I’ve just read some text messages which have come through on the iPad and he’s ‘in love’ with the girl who’s house he was sneaking to in the middle of the night, I am hoping she will be s good influence on him.

It’s his birthday tomorrow so I’m hoping to just enjoy the day - I think I’ll ask him whether he wants to invite this girl over so maybe we can go out somewhere or get a pizza - I’d him to feel he can bring his friends over as he doesn’t seem to do this - I think he finds us all embarrassing!

Hopefully things will get better - I’d like to get to know his friends (especially this girl) as if he’s in love he’ll probably be very influenced by her.

OP posts:
GoldenMcOldie · 05/08/2018 12:18

In love at age 12??? Not sure what is more ridiculous, the possibility of him being in love or the fact that you are effectively giving him the green light to do disappearing tricks in the middle of the night.

You clearly have a desire to be friend over parent. I truly hope you don't pay a terrible price for this.

#hidesthreadinfrustration

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 12:18

My DH has also set some up some notification on the ‘find my iPhone’ app which will let us know if he’s left the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 12:20

The ‘in love’ were their words in the text messages, not my interpretation - and yes it probably is ridiculous to us but maybe not to them

OP posts:
Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 12:24

Of course he’s not getting a green light to go out at night! He clearly has a lot of issues including understanding boundaries and consequences - until we get the outside help we need we’re just trying to ensure his safety

OP posts:
FruitCider · 05/08/2018 12:34

im reluctant to remove his phone as that’s a safety issue- it’s the only way we can contact each other when he’s out, but I have increased his phone data so he has no need to turn it off to save his data. I will now know where he is at all times via the find friends app

It's also a safety issue that he does not allow you to look at it and the potential for him being groomed is really really high. He shouldn't be going out unsupervised anyway - he's been using drugs and meeting up with 20 year old men so he clearly doesn't have the emotional maturity to go out on his own.

FruitCider · 05/08/2018 12:35

Interesting that you chose to ignore my questions about your own parenting OP.

Original poster
Marie0 · 05/08/2018 12:54

Why’s that interesting?

OP posts:
knotswapper · 05/08/2018 12:56

Everything you've written says to me that he might have borderline personality disorder. It's a condition that means the person has very strong emotions and struggles to regulate them, they are oppositional and defiant to authority figures at school and are often excluded and also engage in risk-taking behaviours. Drug use and self-harm are common, as is promiscuity.

It's very, very hard to parent and as you've seen on this thread, people are very judgemental and assume poor parenting. Making threats only pushes them further away into more risky behaviour and suicide is a real risk too.

I'm not a psychologist but my understanding is that the best (only) way to approach this is with a great deal of therapy.

Even if he doesn't have BPD I would suggest that he needs help, his behaviour isn't normal. He seems very angry (perhaps to do with the attention you have to give his brother?). At his age this is difficult but are you aware of any drug/therapy programs locally that can help?