My 12 year old son is smoking weed

[Marie0]

Just been tidying my son's room (he's out) and found in his man bag a lighter, almost empty packet of rizlas with most if the cardboard being stripped off (presumably used for roaches) and a small empty plastic bag with a motif of a marijuana plant on.

I feel so disappointed by don't want to rant and rave at him as I think this will push him more to do this. (He's really defiant and aggressive and does what he wants anyway)

It's his 13th birthday on Monday and this is a real dampner.

Anyone got any experience of how to deal with this please?

thank you

Op what stands out for me is that you're still not seeing that he is a child who needs secure attachments, firm boundaries and consistent parenting. The fact that you say you invite him if you're going to the cinema with the younger child rings alarm bells for me. He's 12! There shouldn't be an invite, he should be coming with you all full stop; he's part of the family. He's your child. You're going to the cinema today, that's the plan, he's part of that plan. Yes, maybe there's a discussion as a family to see if all agree or would prefer to go to the country park for a walk and a picnic or bowling, but ultimately he's coming with you all. At what point did you start offering him the chance to opt out of family life? What message do you think this has given him? Be honest, are you quietly greatful when he says no? Or why else is he even getting the option? What does he do if you then go to the cinema with youngest child?

Honestly, I think the problems are deep rooted yes. But I think the parenting of this boy is the deep rooted issue. if you look up attachment theory, I think you'll realise how some of his anxiety will be a direct symptom of how he sees the world around him. I suspect he is acting out and projecting all the anger and rejection he feels. He's been going out on his own for how long to the parks or god knows where? Apparently without any controls in place? Again what message does this give him, especially when his younger brother is doing what all other boys of their age should be doing, sat up stairs safe and sound with all his basic needs being met playing minecraft! Your 12 year old is still that boy. He's still a baby who needs secure attachments, firm boundaries and a need to feel safe, loved and a part of the family.

I've said once and I'll say again, I think you need to seriously consider professional help. Not for the boy, it sounds like you're already perusing help through his g p, but for you so you can understand his needs and how to address some of these parenting failures. Waiting until September for a miracle to happen at school in my eyes is neglecting to see that you and his father are responsible for his needs as his parents and that the hard work needs to start now, before it's too late. If he carries on down this path, believe me, the age crime curve would suggest that you'll lose him to a world of drugs and prison until he's in his 40s/50s. You are minimising this to protect yourself, because let's be honest none of us want to feel like failures. No ones perfect. We all screw up. We all at times take the easy road when times are tough. But please please please take action now - social care and some local councils have parenting classes and as I've said before, some local councils work with young people and their families on a voluntary basis using the same methods as they do with convicted young offenders, under the early help umbrella.

Hi, sorry I haven't read the entire post so may be repeating.

It sounds to me as though you're extremely defeated and have almost given up trying to assert yourself, this is absolutely understandable in your situation and many of the people claiming their children wouldn't dare do this would have no idea what to do in your situation.

Get as much help as you can and just keep pushing and letting him know that you won't give up. Talk to him about the way he's making you feel, as rebellious as he may be- no child wants to hear that they are making their mother feel this way.

Stay strong and don't give up

I have read the thread (really quite a useful thing to do...)
and agree with everything runbeer just said.
I know it feels like a mountain to climb Marie but your fantastic response from that lovely little interaction with your DS last night speaks volumes.

Bring him back into the family. Today.

From what I have read on other threads being sent to the PRU can be a good thing. It is not usually permanent as they will work with the child to try and get them back into mainstream school. Also other agencies then can get involved which might be able to help you as a family.

Sympathies with OP. My son is not smoking weed but I do identify completely with that realisation that they will NO LONGER do something because you ask/tell them to.

With autism in the family have you considered that he might have it too? Albeit higher functioning? PDA - Pathological Demand Avoidance might be worth looking into, even ADHD. I have two children with HFA and one is massively demand avoidant.

yes thank you YaLoVeras and HollyGibney

I have considered it and am looking into PDA, I've also come across conduct disorder which sounds quite familiar to his behaviour, but from what I have read it seems that Conduct Disorder is more likely to be found in someone who has suffered a major trauma / child abuse which he has not.

I was talking to my husband about it and we were laughing saying he probably hasn't got great genes as there is mental illness and anxiety in my side of the family and we were both tearaways when we were teens so poor kid hasn't got a hope bless him - although I'm not really sure how much of ones personality traits or character can or are hereditary. Just going to take each day as it comes, keep a close eye on him and try my best.

hey, I noticed you said that you try and make him feel included by iniviting him when you take your other son out to the cinema etc or you offer to take him shopping. Do you try and also do stuff just one on one thats in line with his interests or passions. What is he interested in? Maybe he would like a day out at a theme park with you alone, or with you and his dad? Im wondering if youve unwittingly set up a golden child dynamic with your other son?

I do think its unhelpful to concentrate on cannabis, which imo is a symptom rather than a cause. It puts me in mind of the updated rat/funpark/drug experiment www.summitbehavioralhealth.com/blog/overview-rat-park-addiction-study/
I know that there are various opinions on this study, but I do think its worth bearing in mind.

Also I keep thinking of the swedish proverb - "love me when I least deserve it, as that is when I really need it"

I think hes young enough to bring him back round.
If he has PDA and an autism spectrum condition, then manage your expectations - bringing him back round to you, may never be what some people expect as their bare minimum, but it might mean the difference between a functioning adult later, and someone who ends up down a road they could have avoided.

Love and strength to you x

Thank you Branleause,

I totally agree in the treating the symptom not the cause. Unfortunately he just doesn't seem to like me which is why he doesn't seem to want to do anything with me. He resents me probably from years ago when both he and his younger brother were little. My youngest had a lot of complications even before his diagnosis and there was a point where we were at medical appts several times a week every week. he must have been aware of this although probably didn't really understand what was happening or how he felt about it.

When he was 9 we enrolled him at a 'sibling club' at our local children's centre which was designed specifically to help children deal with the feelings of having a sibling who had some kind of disability. Although I thought I was doing the right thing, maybe this just re-inforced we were a dysfunctional family and I think that added to his own insecurities has allowed him to feed on this terrrible behaviour - he quite often uses the guilt card which is - you'd let DS2 get away with it so why can't I?

He seems to get on with his Dad a bit better and will sometimes spend time with him watching TV or whatever.

I feel ok with the drugs issue from yesterday. I have spoken to him in an open and frank discussion. He knows it was wrong and we totally disapprove. He knows I will be closely monitoring him over the summer. It's really hard for people who just don't understand that we have tried all the boundaries / normal discipline methods and nothing has worked which is why I now am going down the road of there being something wrong mentally.

I also am 'happy' that although what he has done is wrong, we are aware and have opened up lines of communication, which is not always the case. I think a lot of teens will do stuff that their parents will not know about - certainly was the case for me and his dad.

Anyway thanks everyone, there's been some great, useful advice and I am now moving on - it's a new day and all that.

Have a great weekend everyone.

I think maybe get his dad to do some one to one things with him then if there is more of a chance of him opening up to him. He needs a trusted adult and role model. It doesnt necessarily need to be you, as long as he knows you still love him.

Ground him and nip it in the bud , my friends ds started at 12 . His life is a disaster now .. if it were my child I would come down on them so heavily they wouldn't know what had hit them .

I have considered it and am looking into PDA, I've also come across conduct disorder which sounds quite familiar to his behaviour, but from what I have read it seems that Conduct Disorder is more likely to be found in someone who has suffered a major trauma / child abuse which he has not

Interesting OP. Major trauma for a child can be something as simple as having a younger sibling with a disability. X

Gosh fruit cider - I hadn’t even considered that - maybe it has been traumatic for him 😲

Gosh, that's weird, my son has PDAS and I didn't want to say it because I don't want to go around diagnosing other people's DC! MOST of the time my son is motivated to do 3/4s of what's expected of him, in his own way, on his own terms, in his own time. And that's what I settle for. I hope that his core self is motivated to keep going because I cannot make him do something on the grounds that I say it must be done. When he was younger I could give choices, like ''do you want me to help you with your homework now, or do it on your own yourself later?'' and most of the time he would get the books out. But if he doesn't take you up on your offer you MUST not cave in and help him with it. You shrug. You offered to help, 3 hours ago. You offer once, once only, like it's nothing to you which option he chooses.
Gotta have nerves of steel for a child with PDA.

Marie0 - the big thing that marked a difference with my pda child is connection - so the chips n a chat is far better than grounding and shouting. It is much much harder to connect with a child who's anxious and in fight or flight mode than it is to simply tell them off. People can demand you parent all they want but they don't have the answers when it doesn't actually work.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned attachment disorder. Read up on it as it could be the issue here. Mine are adopted so I am well aware if it. Many adoptees act out like your son is - for many reasons including PDA etc but often attachment issues play a part. You don't have to be adopted to have them ( though they're more or less definitely present if you are. ).

My dd is 13 and can be very difficult when stressed and anxious. She's not out of our control or anything like it, but when she kicks off she's very difficult to deal with.

Good luck. It sounds to me like you have the right approach to maintain your relationship but may need some more guidance from professionals - if you can get the right sort.

Ignore the shocked posts from those who clearly have no understanding.

BTW I'm not saying she's not out of our control to suggest I blame you for losing it, but to make the point that I understand how difficult a child can be to manage when they are acting like this.

Omg - I dropped my son off in town to meet a friend and popped to a shop (on my own) - about 10 minutes later I’m driving home and see him walking up the road with a man 😲. I had this horrible feeling in my stomach- I stopped the car and confronted the man I asked his name and how old he was (he was 20). I told him I found it a bit odd that he was hanging out with a 12 year old, but he said he knew my son from play scheme a few years ago. This man started getting all tetchy and sweaty whilst I was questioning him (i was direct but polite). At this point I told my son to wait in the car- it became apparent that he was seemingly suffering from some mental health problems as he didn’t want me to go and told me how he’d suffered massive emotional problems and that his dad tried to drown him as a child.

I told him I was very sorry to hear that and made my way back to the car. He then followed me and asked if my son was coming out then??!!

I feel sick to my stomach - I feel sorry for this man but I’m going to have to inform the police as tomorrow he could be wandering around with someone else’s 12 year old.

Really shaken me up - I also feel very confused as my son seemed perfectly happy chatting away to him and he’d also seen him a few weeks before.

I did actually recognise him from a few years ago when the boys were at play scheme - but surely he wouldn’t be employed as a play worker if he wasn’t safe with kids? I know it’s probably all innocent but just feels all wrong - I think although he’s actually done nothing wrong I should report this.

Also reminded my son today that smoking weed is totally unacceptable and he did nod so hopefully sinking in too

Phew what a weekend!

Why are you still letting him out to wander the streets?

Why the hell are you letting your child who you know is taking drugs go off on his own anywhere!? He should be grounded! What kind of people do you think he's hanging around with, OP!? If you don't get a grip of your child he is going to end up in serious danger. You've already said he's probably running drugs which means he's being exploited by drug dealers. How long until he's dealing himself and taking a lot worse the weed? I'm actually worried for your son's safety. You need to sort this out and start putting boundaries in place for him.

Sorry - posted too soon....

Of course he doesn't like you or respect what you're saying. It's quite evident to him even at the age of 12 that you are letting him do what he wants including putting himself in dangerous situations. He's obviously crying out for some boundaries and to feel safe and secure which you as parent should be providing for him. How can you not see this?

I dropped him in town to meet a friend on a saturday afternoon for a bit - I'm not sure that's wandering the streets lol

I think may be you have misunderstood the situation. Locking my son up is not really an option.

I think maybe you've only picked up bits and pieces of what's going on.

Never mind

Oh yes boundaries, I hadn't thought of that, thanks that's a good idea

I never said he was running drugs - I said I hadn’t thought of that - he says he’s not and I believe him

PDA. Without doubt.

(Can’t diagnose off the internet, yeah yeah.)

I don’t know your financial situation but the Elizabeth Newswome centre or Lorna Wing centre will assess.

It may well be that mainstream school is not for him, and that once that changes, his anxiety levels may drop too. Interesting that he engaged with tutors but it went wrong when he went back to school.

PDA is hard. Hang in there. Information is power.