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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 19 year old just got engaged. Help!

96 replies

Halee · 03/08/2018 03:50

I am freaking out about my daughter getting engaged! They have been together three years but she only just turned 19. He is 20 and co-owns a business. She is a freshman in college. I have to admit she had to grow up fast. Neither of us (me or her dad) were very active in her life and she has been through quite a bit. We are much better now but she didn’t have much of a childhood. He is a great boy... he really is... but they are so so young. I have tried to tell her to wait and I’ve asked what the rush is but she is confident they are truly in love. Ugh its weird for me to even think that. She is my baby. They are both babies. I don’t know what to do. Please please help!!! Any thoughts or advice is welcome!

OP posts:

BIWI · 04/08/2018 08:11

You didn't give her what she wanted when she was a child, and now she's an adult you're trying to take away what she wants. This really isn't good parenting.

Leave her alone to get on with what sounds like a much more settled and desirable life. And wish her joy and happiness for goodness sake.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 04/08/2018 09:54

My husband and I were engaged at 19 and married at 21 - still together 35 years later.

But I don't my experience is as relevant as my son's. He and his wife met when they were 17. He proposed six months after his 18th birthday and they decided when they would get married as soon as he finished his first year in university.

They used their savings and had very generous support from their local church and two weeks ago we attended their wedding which was the most moving, exciting, fun filled day we could have imagined. But through it all they have both insisted that the effort they put in to preparing for their wedding was not as important as the preparation for their marriage.

My husband and I knew that we had no right to tell them they were too young - we had known what we wanted at their age - why shouldn't they be the same.

Your daughter and her fiance sound very mature, just like my son and his wife. I can't pretend it was easy for me to let go but my husband and I agreed that they were doing the right thing and, along with her family, we supported them both 100%. It doesn't mean I didn't cry a bit when I thought of "losing" him and I have never been to a wedding where so many tissues were used (I'm filling up now just thinking about it!) but I know that the two of them can, and will, have a long and happy life together.

Reallylosingitthistime · 04/08/2018 10:17

The might be life long partners, I have been with my DH since we were at school and still love him very much in our 30s. The one thing I would say to them is to wait to marry, spend some years getting everything else together, live together for a while first if not already (we were by that age) and don't rush to marry but the commitment he is showing your daughter by proposing is nice and not usually so common in young men.

mimibunz · 04/08/2018 10:22

So you weren’t active in her life as child, but now she’s your ‘baby’? Just NO.

m0therofdragons · 04/08/2018 11:03

@EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed why is it shit? I'm now 36 and still very happily married with a great life. Many of my friends who married late 20s early 30s are divorced now whereas Dh and I have a very happy and financially stable home. I'm firmly in the "when you know you know" camp. It's not shit at all, this girl's life has been shit up to now but now she's got something to be happy about and feels supported and her dm doesn't like it? Fuck that!

LadyB49 · 04/08/2018 11:20

My brother 19 married his wife 18 after knowing each other for a year. However they had met on holiday and lived many miles apart but managed to see each other as much as possible. They had the first of three children within one year and were devoted until she died aged 54. That one definitely worked despite family fears.

Ginmakesitallok · 04/08/2018 11:22

Dp and I got engaged when I was 19 - had only known each other about 3 months. 24 years later we're still together, still engaged, not married!

kayakingmum · 04/08/2018 11:26

If they want to get married, let them get married and be supportive about it. Perhaps suggest they check with each other that they want the same things e.g children. But other than that I think you shouldn't be stressing about it and just be happy.

RedneckStumpy · 04/08/2018 11:31

We got engaged at 21, after a 3 year relationship. Friday was our 10th anniversary

SequinsOnEverything · 04/08/2018 11:31

I'd be pretty pissed of if I felt my parents had been absent / poor parents in my childhood and then they came trying to give me opinions on what I should do as an adult.

Perhaps she is looking for the stability and support that she's never had from her home life before?

I know people who married young and divorced, but I also know people who married young and have been married for 30+ years.

Groovee · 04/08/2018 11:40

I met dh at 19, got married at 20, pregnant at 21 and baby at 22 and 24. We're still together.

My dad told me I was being stupid (his line at anything he disagrees with) but I was happy and knew it was what I wanted. He was not going to persuade me otherwise.

Be supportive and not down on their decision. They need to learn to make decisions that are right for them.

Lynne1Cat · 04/08/2018 11:48

Why weren't you an her father very active in her life? You mean you were apart from her?

I left home at 20, to live with my then boyfriend. We got married, had 2 boys, and we're still together. I'm 59.

What's to say your daughter is making a mistake or too young? Time will tell, but I think you need to let her find out. It will either end in marriage or not, and will last or not. Let her get on with it.

You say she didn't have much of a childhood, and you didn't play an active part in her life, so it's rich of you to be concerned now.

laptopdisaster · 04/08/2018 11:58

Interesting wording in your last post, was she raped by a family member? Was she believed at the time? TBH I don't think you can come on strong now as the doting parent.

BIWI · 04/08/2018 13:33

Hmm wondering if we've all been had by this first time poster

jazzyfizzles · 04/08/2018 13:59

I can't see the problem?

ivykaty44 · 04/08/2018 14:03

I got married at x age and together or divorced after xx years etc

Everyone is different, accepting that is sometimes hard when your own dc do things differently

It’s your daughter life not yours

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 05/08/2018 00:00

the commitment he is showing your daughter by proposing is nice and not usually so common in young men
They are religious and don't want to have sex until marriage which is a huge reason for early marriage in that situation. 'Commitment' not really the word

@EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed why is it shit
At 19 she doesn't know who she is, she really doesn't and that's without all the trauma she's clearly had.
I find it interesting that you reference those who married later than you as those who have divorced as if it's a bad thing. I'd applaud anyone who was strong and confident enough and knew exactly who they were and what is and isn't acceptable for them to recognise they were in an unhealthy situation. So much better to be moulded by life experience rather than someone elses expectations. I don't see a 'long' marriage as a necessarily good one as we've all seen on these boards. I also chuckle at those who say "oh but my parents got married at 15 and were together forever" Yeah well divorce wasn't really acceptable and neither would have known any different anyway.

Disclaimer Even though I personally think it's a waste to settle for so little, like with anything, I know there are true success stories.

Alwayscommuting · 05/08/2018 00:07

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I met my DH at 18 (just), engaged a year later and we got married shortly after to my 22nd birthday. We've been married for 4 years now and are very happy.

PlaymobilPirate · 05/08/2018 00:17

Sounds like it's nowt to do with you really. You say you were crap when she was little - she's certainly not 'your baby' now. You don't get to pick and choose the bits of her life you want to be bothered about.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 05/08/2018 00:21

As a PP said, if she’s religious she will be getting married young. I’m not big on religion myself and in your shoes would be worried that she’s religious/doesn’t believe in sex before marriage because she was raped, but I would imagine you’ve already thought of that and dealt with your own feelings on it.

m0therofdragons · 05/08/2018 12:40

@EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed no, she doesn't know who she is but at 36 I'm still working that out. The point is that Dh and I have grown together and supported each other in finding who we are.

I also don't see it as settling for so little - her partner is a kind man so it's not like she's found some druggy idiot.

Finally, yes I do see divorce as a bad thing - well, more sad really. But it doesn't reflect how young someone is as it happens to a huge variety of couples so I don't think it's more likely just because she's young.

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