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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 19 year old just got engaged. Help!

96 replies

Halee · 03/08/2018 03:50

I am freaking out about my daughter getting engaged! They have been together three years but she only just turned 19. He is 20 and co-owns a business. She is a freshman in college. I have to admit she had to grow up fast. Neither of us (me or her dad) were very active in her life and she has been through quite a bit. We are much better now but she didn’t have much of a childhood. He is a great boy... he really is... but they are so so young. I have tried to tell her to wait and I’ve asked what the rush is but she is confident they are truly in love. Ugh its weird for me to even think that. She is my baby. They are both babies. I don’t know what to do. Please please help!!! Any thoughts or advice is welcome!

OP posts:

flamingofridays · 03/08/2018 09:12

Any chance the BF is abusive and is forcing her into marriage?

Very odd that she'd get engaged this young

what a strange assumption to make!

adoggymama · 03/08/2018 09:16

Maybe being engaged is a good thing for her? Some security, knowing someone loves her and wants to stick around. Unlike you or her father.

Her life, her choice. You don't get a say if you only pop in occasionally.

PortiaCastis · 03/08/2018 09:20

I was married at 19 and had dd when I was 18 it's not the end of the world

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/08/2018 09:24

I had a fairly rubbish upbringing too, and married at 20. My husband is very religious and through him I now have a secure family life and I am surrounded by people who love and support me. We have been married for 25 years and I honestly think that marrying him was the best decision I ever made.
Our engagement caused quite a scandal at the time (he is also over 20 years older than me).
Being anything other than supportive will drive your daughter away and make it impossible for her to seek help or support from you if she eventually needs it. She is happy, let her have that.

Aph413 · 03/08/2018 09:25

I've been with my Husband since I was 14. When we finally got engaged at 22 my parents actually told me they'd been waiting for it to happen since I turned 18.
It might work out or it might not. She's an adult so all you can do is be happy for her and be there.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 03/08/2018 09:31

Why weren't you active in her life? Was anyone?

It is young, i married young and wish i hadn't, but there's not a lot you can do about it, especially if you weren't 'active' in her life before this.

LucyFox · 03/08/2018 09:33

Also agree with previous poster that the most appropriate immediate action is to congratulate them and maybe take them out for a celebratory dinner!

Littlechocola · 03/08/2018 09:35

Don’t interfere.

pinkmagic1 · 03/08/2018 09:36

I married at 18 and we celebrate our 21st anniversary next month.
We have had our ups and downs like any couple but I don't ever regret it.

Strawberry89 · 03/08/2018 09:42

Perhaps as other people have said she is looking to make a lifelong commitment to someone for emotional security.
Seeing as by your own admission you weren't there for her, you can't blame her for wanting to commit her life to someone and have them commit to her.
But I suppose you think you know better despite not being there when she needed it the most. Now she doesn't need you and you're pissed off about it.
Leave her be. She can make her own choices. Make sure you're actually there for her though if it does all go wrong.

EyeDrops · 03/08/2018 18:56

I'm another engaged at 20 (together since 14), married at 21, still together 10 years and two children later. Also religious and didn't have sex till we married (and understood contraception so it didn't mean babies followed quickly!!!! Still managed graduation & career first thank you!).

To be honest, yes they're young, but people of all ages have ill-advised and rushed engagements/marriages that don't last long. If they're happy together and want to make that commitment, I don't see why they shouldn't.

Just be supportive and remain so if it does end in tears.

MiddlingMum · 03/08/2018 19:07

A couple from my form at school started going out at 13. Got engaged at 18 and married at 21 after they had graduated.

Now I see on fb that they have just welcomed their third grandchild and look as happy together as they did at school. Young marriages don't have to be a disaster.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 03/08/2018 19:15

Now I think about it, we didn't even stop to think sensibly about it- first date was on Friday 13th(!) by the 23rd we were engaged, married 6 months later(would have been sooner but a family death delayed things). So at least they are being more sensible than us!

Either it's the right thing for her or it isn't. But if it is a mistake then it's her mistake to make.

As an aside, you should work on her relationship with her before she has children herself. It will suddenly become much more shocking to her that you weren't there for her when she feels the overwhelming love for her own child. If you haven't at least tried to make amends for that then you may lose your relationship with her anyway.

PerverseConverse · 03/08/2018 21:17

Where did the OP go??

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 04/08/2018 05:21

It's shit OP. Noone should be thinking of getting married at 19. Sad to be settling so young.
You admit you weren't 'there for her' so she's clearly seeking 'something'. Noone has made her feel she can do or be anything she likes. There's a whole world out there she's not brave or confident enough to explore with good reason I guess.
Thankfully, these days we don't have to marry the first guy who shows an interest or follow pre determined rules of what woman should do or be.
As you were not there for her you really can't do anything other than be there to pick up the pieces later when it goes to shit. As someone else said, at least she's not pregnant...Yet.

Original poster

Halee · 04/08/2018 06:18

When I mentioned to I hadn’t been there for her growing up, I was trying to point out that she had to mature fast. She is very mature for her age. Both me and her father WERE alcoholics and she was raped at 13. Her brother was very violent towards her as a child. She is an amazing woman who has pushed through it all. She got a full scholarship to a Bible college to study theology. She truly is amazing. She is very independent and confident. She has a fitness brand and coaches people. She’s definitely more of an adult than I was at her age. Please stop demeaning her. And @EnthuthiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed what the hell do you mean “at least she’s not pregnant yet”?! What are you trying to say about this young woman you don’t even know?

OP posts:

differentnameforthis · 04/08/2018 06:55

Very odd that she'd get engaged this young. Very odd that you think it's odd.

I was engaged at 19, married at 20.

This year we celebrated 24yrs together. It doens't have to be the end of the world and many people who married you g are still together.

Urbanbeetler · 04/08/2018 07:04

She sounds like a very lovely young woman. It’s good to hear you stick up for her and be proud of her. I hope you are able to maintain sobriety and become a support to her as she brings up her own family, all going well.

Roussette · 04/08/2018 07:08

"@EnthuthiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed what the hell do you mean “at least she’s not pregnant yet”?! What are you trying to say about this young woman you don’t even know?"

Exactly that! At least it's just an engagement and not a pregnancy, no idea what is wrong with saying that.

If she is very religious it will be about sex. I know of 4 young people who got married very young because they had a vow not to have sex before marriage.

Also, if she had a troubled childhood, which it sounds like she did, I imagine she is trying to create something for herself.

EnthusiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed · 04/08/2018 07:22

@EnthuthiasmWellAndTrulyCurbed what the hell do you mean “at least she’s not pregnant yet”?! What are you trying to say about this young woman you don’t even know?
Seriously?

What I am saying is that this sounds like a lost young woman. Your update just reinforces that. I have nothing but sympathy for her and I mean that.

I don't think anyone thinking of marriage at 19, these days, is as independent and confident as you say she is. Sounds like shes seeking something she thinks she'll find in settling. Of course a baby will be next. At this stage, it's only an engagement. Sorry you find that offensive in some way.

Cupoteap · 04/08/2018 07:30

She's clever, mature, has a plan, knows herself, and has a respectful boyfriend whom you like - what exactly is the problem?

Could this be more about you and how you know it is too late to parent her?

PerverseConverse · 04/08/2018 07:41

*Please stop demeaning her.
*
Your op sounded like it was you who was demeaning her by not trusting her judgement to do what she thinks best with her life. After your 24hrs later drip feed it's quite obvious that the issue here is you because she sounds awesome despite your lack of parenting. I hope she now finds what she's never had: stability and family.

NynaeveSedai · 04/08/2018 07:47

If she's very religious then she's going to get married young. It's pretty much inevitable. Since you weren't very present in her childhood you have to accept that your role in her life is a supporter.
I'm very much not in favour of teenagers making life long decisions but she'll do it anyway so just be there for her when she does it and when/if it falls apart.
Encourage her to continue with education and get a career before children even if they do get married young.

Fluffybat · 04/08/2018 07:51

My mum got engaged at 15. Had me at 16 and married at 16. 29 years later they are still married and love each other dearly with 4 children. I got engaged at 19 but was at university so married my DH the year after uni. We now have one ds and are on our second one. My brother got engaged at 18 and now is happily married with 3 children. It does work. Let your daughter decide. If you didn't have an input in her earlier life then you can't expect to have an input now.

IAmTheWifeOfMaoTseTung · 04/08/2018 08:01

I don’t think it’s weird that a twenty year old and a nineteen year old want to have sex, and if they believe that this is the only way, no amount of talks from a mum with flaws of her own about the benefits of waiting are going to do much good.

Do you know if their religion allows contraception? That would be the worrying thing, that and the role of women, but even then I’m not sure there’s anything you could do except offer her a home if she ever needs it.

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