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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 19 year old just got engaged. Help!

96 replies

Halee · 03/08/2018 03:50

I am freaking out about my daughter getting engaged! They have been together three years but she only just turned 19. He is 20 and co-owns a business. She is a freshman in college. I have to admit she had to grow up fast. Neither of us (me or her dad) were very active in her life and she has been through quite a bit. We are much better now but she didn’t have much of a childhood. He is a great boy... he really is... but they are so so young. I have tried to tell her to wait and I’ve asked what the rush is but she is confident they are truly in love. Ugh its weird for me to even think that. She is my baby. They are both babies. I don’t know what to do. Please please help!!! Any thoughts or advice is welcome!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 03/08/2018 06:42

I struggle to see the difference between religion and coercion - but I appreciate that is my issue rather than anyone elses.

vandrew4 · 03/08/2018 06:44

can I ask why you weren't active in her life? were you physically not present? I only ask as the friends I have who had that sort of upbringing tended to move in with partners a lot younger. It's like they crave some stability and a family life

FallenSky · 03/08/2018 06:48

I got engaged at 18, pregnant at 19 (shock, horror, judging by some replies here!). Still together 15 years later.
Hopefully it will work out for your daughter. They've known each other for a long time. Not sure you get to have much of a say if you haven't been involved much in her life. If anything, that will probably make her less likely to listen and have more incentive to carry on with the engagement. Who knows if it will work out. But does anyone truly know a relationship is forever, regardless of age?

laptopdisaster · 03/08/2018 06:55

I have to admit she had to grow up fast. Neither of us (me or her dad) were very active in her life and she has been through quite a bit.

can you elaborate on this?

FortyFacedFuckers · 03/08/2018 06:58

I had a mortgage and baby at 19! 13 years later still perfectly happy

LucyFox · 03/08/2018 07:04

I suspect the religion is a big factor here & that’s not a bad thing ... you need to be supportive but also realistic. Encourage them to get pre marriage counselling, to talk to couples within the church who have been married 2 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs etc and to try & wait till graduation for marriage (babies will likely come quickly & she doesn’t need this before graduating!)
They need to know that marriage can be hard & to know where to get support from
Yes she is young but they can make it work if they have support within the families and the church ...

snozzlemaid · 03/08/2018 07:06

Could she maybe be looking for the stable family life she's not had from her parents?
If you're there for her more now, that's all you can do really. Just be there for her. Support her and be there if it doesn't work out.

HumptyNumptyNooNoo · 03/08/2018 07:14

Have you tried just being happy for them? They've been together a long while and are obviously happy together. Just relax, throw them a celebratory lunch and be very proud that they are like this, and not so many ways of wrong that they could so easily be.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 03/08/2018 07:15

She is an adult and it is her choice now.

I had a similar childhood to your dd and married at 18. I totally was looking for stability and my own family. We've just had our 15th anniversary and are very happy. Mum never gave my husband a chance and hasn't seen me for 5 years now.

dementedpixie · 03/08/2018 07:25

I met my (now) dh at 19 and have been with him since (now age 44). We got married at age 26

ReevaDiva · 03/08/2018 08:18

If she had a disrupted childhood maybe she's trying to give herself what she never had?

Why sweat it so much? If he's a good guy and they're sensible, what's the big deal. If it doesn't work out, they'll move on.

PerspicaciaTick · 03/08/2018 08:24

I think you smile, say congratulations and quietly support your DD.
Of course, kicking off, shouting the odds or laying down an ultimatum would be a pretty effective way of pushing her away when your newly developing relationship with your DD is still fragile.

Verbena87 · 03/08/2018 08:30

My sister and her boyfriend got pregnant accidentally when they were both 19.

Verbena87 · 03/08/2018 08:32

Oops, pressed post by mistake! They went on to have a second baby, got married, and are a really strong, happy, successful family unit. Age is much less important than the personalities of the couple anc the quality of their relationship.

PenApple · 03/08/2018 08:37

I had a perfect childhood, got engaged at 19 after 4 years together & living together for 1 year, and we married at 20 (13 years ago). Now I have dc I can’t imagine them getting engaged so young, but not one person in either on our families suggested it was anything other than amazing news.

When I fell pregnant pretty soon after we had a different initial reaction though...

Most people I know who got engaged as teens separated within a year.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 08:42

Don’t get involved. You can’t not be active in her life and not allow her a childhood then get to have an opinion on something like this

I’m afraid I agree with this, it’s a very small sentence in your post OP, but not being active in her life throughout her childhood kind of means that you don’t get a say now.

YeTalkShiteHen · 03/08/2018 08:43

And my best friend married at 16 and was blissfully happy for nearly 30 years until the day she died.

Mayhemmumma · 03/08/2018 08:48

She's had a really hard childhood but is doing well in college, in a long term relationship with a man (not baby) who loves her in your opinion....and your problem is what? Maybe she is looking for the security in her relationship her parents didn't offer her?

I did similar myself and 20 years on am still happily married.

PerverseConverse · 03/08/2018 08:51

What @vandrew4 said

3stonedown · 03/08/2018 08:59

To be honest I know a few couples of are religious, got engaged at 18/19, and all off them got married within 12 months and are still together.

It might not be what you would want for yourself but it's what she wants and I would let her get on with it.

m0therofdragons · 03/08/2018 09:01

I was engaged at 19 and married at 21. 14 years on, I have 3 wonderful dc a great job, as does Dh and we were so so happy together. He's the one I'll grow old with. I look back and think "gosh, we were young!" But we grew together, supported each other and I've no doubt we'll stay together. My parents also engaged at 19 and at 65 they're very much together. If he's a good guy then embrace and celebrate!

Kokeshi123 · 03/08/2018 09:08

I would have a talk with her about wedding expenses and housing deposit, and offer to help out with both of these on condition that she had her partner are also able to save up some reasonable amounts themselves as well. Meaning that she will need at least a couple of years to save up, which will give her and her partner time to work out whether they are really sure about this. As long as it's a well thought out decision, early marriages can work out fine.

PoesyCherish · 03/08/2018 09:08

As others have said you can't not be active in her life but then want a say now. You are not wrong in how you feel but would be wrong if you tried to prevent her or talk really negatively about it.

My parents were awful growing up. I got engaged at 15 because I craved the emotional stability I'd not had growing up. We broke up 2 and a half years later.

Other friends of mine got engaged in their late teens early twenties and are now happily married. You don't know which way it's going to go but all you can do is support her.

twattymctwatterson · 03/08/2018 09:09

I'm sorry but you don't get to have a say in this. You weren't there when she was a child. Now she's an adult and you've missed your chance

Babdoc · 03/08/2018 09:10

I met my DH when I was 19 and he was 20. We moved in together 3 days later, and loved each other to bits, right up to his death at age 36.
Your DD may be similarly fortunate in having met her soul mate young.
If not, they will separate when they realise it’s no longer working.
An engagement is not life threatening,and even a marriage can be dissolved later if they have second thoughts.
Let her make her own decisions - she is an adult, although you may want to gently discuss the timing and how certain she is.