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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

keeping the family home once they go to uni - when is a good/acceptable time to downsize?

144 replies

ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 18:03

Dh and I would really like to move to a flat in the city. Slightly hampered by the fact we have 4 school-aged children (just about).

The eldest will finish school in June this year. He wants to have a "gap year" (probably best not to get me started on that one) and then (probably) go to university. (He has done NOTHING about what to do in his gap year, and nothing at all re investigating courses, despite my best efforts.

Ds 2 will finish school in June 2019. (He's 17)
DS 3 will finish school in June 2022. (He's 14)
Dd is 9 and will finish in June 2027 (She's 9)

Obviously, the dc need a base during uni holidays. At the moment they all have their own room. We would be looking to buy a 3 bed-flat.

I really want to move! Really a lot. How long should we wait? Until dc 2 has started uni/finished uni? Or later?

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/01/2018 22:45

I get you, Ernest

EmmaGrundyForPM · 07/01/2018 22:48

You don't know that your dc will.go to university. They.might decide not to. In which case they may be with you for longer than you think.

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 22:58

That's true Emma, but they all say they want to go. I guess they could all change their minds. No one knows what the future might bring.

I was just trying to think when I could be free from this house and the stupid regrets about choosing it.

I can only see me putting it to bed once and for all when I leave here. It's not even a horrible house. But I made one big mistake with it and there are several stupid things that I really don't like about it and we took this house over 2 much, much better houses. I could weep with the regret.

I can't put it permanently out if my mind. I need to just put it behind me completely. But that's a way of yet. I'll give myself one, shall I?Biscuit

OP posts:
lunar1 · 07/01/2018 23:02

Knowing I was never really welcome home led me to make some pretty poor choices in my early 20's.

PurpleTraitor · 07/01/2018 23:04

Life is too short for you to have regrets.

I moved out of my childhood house at 17 and never spent a night in it again, both my parents had died by the time I was 24. And I am the eldest child, so my siblings were younger. Not to worry you by saying that, but you are putting a whole lot of emphasis on waiting for them to move out. What about you?

DonkeyOil · 07/01/2018 23:05

I'm sure this will be disputed, but I think the best way to facilitate an offspring's independence is to give them a secure base to take off from. I wouldn't ditch bedrooms until they are settled enough to have all their goods and chattels with them - a long term rental or buying a house with someone etc. I might consider moving to a smaller property i.e. smaller bedrooms, but I'd be loath to withdraw the possibility from my adult children that they could always come home if they needed to, until I was sure that they could sort themselves out. (Probably when I'm too far into my dotage to move!)

gillybeanz · 07/01/2018 23:10

We want to downsize too, but not quite yet.
ds1 has his own home, ds2 is nearly there but not quite and dd is 14.
We want to go from 4 bed to 3 bed, and can't wait.

I think it's important to let them know that your home is still welcoming to them to stay if they are ever stuck, but not encouraged as a reason not to be independant.
I think once they are gone to uni they are gone, I couldn't have them back, because they should be working and standing on their own feet.

noitsnotteatimeyet · 07/01/2018 23:29

I don’t want my children to live with us when they’re adults - I think it’s not actually in their interests and rather infantilising to be an adult child living in your parents’ home. I had a fantastic relationship with my parents when they were both still alive but found myself reverting to stroppy teenager every time I went home. We are planning to relocate when ds1 has finished university (ds2 will probably always stay with us as he has SN and dd will change schools for sixth form). We won’t be downsizing as such as we will still have enough bedrooms for everyone so they will be able to stay for as long as they want to but I don’t want it to be the easy option (for v capable but incredibly lazy ds1 in particular).

Staying here forever isn’t an option as we simply can’t afford to - we’re asset-rich and income-poor and need to free up some equity to keep us going in our rapidly-approaching old age plus enable us to help the dc a bit. And dd can’t wait to move - she’s not a city girl and I don’t see why her life should have to be put on hold in case her older brother might or might not want to stay at home

chocatoo · 07/01/2018 23:40

I have always known that if needs must I have a room at my parents’ house. That is a tremendous safety net and one that I want to give my child. As it is, I dread her leaving but know that she must.

BackforGood · 07/01/2018 23:46

If I really disliked my house that much, I don't think I'd want to continue living in it for the next 10 years though. I would cut losses and make the move now. It then relieves any pressure to move in 5, 10, or 15 years, because you would be happy where you were, and your dcs would all have somewhere they identify as home to want to come back to when they are at University.
dcs choosing to live independently when they graduate, and dcs being forced to, are two completely different scenarios.

Trying2bgd · 07/01/2018 23:57

I have a feeling my kids will return after university and be around for a while......currently I’m fine with that, ask me again 10 years

Pannacott · 08/01/2018 00:59

Do you want to tell us about the mistakes? It sounds like that is what is getting you down? We can try and help you feel better about them.

If staying in your current place is going to keep confronting you with the mistakes, it might make sense to do a sideways move. Even if there's no other good reason to. Life's too short to tolerate circumstances that make you miserable if you can afford not to, even if it's a fairly irrational reason. Being in a different home might help put the mistakes behind you.

AJPTaylor · 08/01/2018 06:51

i made a mistake in buying our last house. it was my parents house and i bought it off my mum for full value really just to make her move easier for here. i planned on being there 5 years. Then the recession hit and it was logical to stay and pay down the morgage. i was never ever happy there. didnt have a happy childhood in it. i was there 13 years whilst oldest 2 finushed school. i was so happy to move last year!

Rejoiner · 08/01/2018 07:14

I don’t know about living in a house I don’t like but I do know about having university aged DC

DC1 left for uni at 19 and moved back home at 20 as their MH had deteriorated to an unsafe level. They will be at home until they find something more suitable to do with their life

DC2 is more independent and left for uni at 18, but home is still home and they return every holiday to their room and fit back in. Uni halls is just a necessary place to reside.

For me my DP still live in my family home and I’ve moved back once since I finally left home for around 6 months when a relationship/housing move fell through.

There is none of mine or my siblings rooms as they were when we lived their but we all know we would be welcome to stay. As will my DC whenever.

devondream · 08/01/2018 07:21

My DP and I are both single parents and have 2 homes which we would like to sell and buy one.

We have 5 DC - 3 at uni and the last will finish uni by 2029!

We have realized we have 2 options

  1. buy a massive house to give them all space to return to for the next 12 odd years or

  2. live apart during vacation time and together in one house during term time

For us the kids come first but it is hard not sharing a home and in all reality bringing 5 kids under 1 roof (even if most of them are only there in the holidays) will be hard.

PinkietheElf · 08/01/2018 07:23

Are you in a city with lots of employment opportunities.
There is not much point staying somewhere for the DCs to return to if none of their friends are around as they've all moved on to jobs in another area. Which is what happened to mine Dm and DF are important but I felt that their friends were more so.
I am amazed at the number of DCs needing to be in the family home as they move to adulthood. Or is that just the ones who are choosing to post.

I am mid 60s and I find it a big change health wise etc. Many people live into their 80s but at the mo it definitely feels like many more die well before that or have life restricting health issues. You do need to put your wishes somewhere in the mix or risk having regrets later on.

sothatdidntwork · 08/01/2018 07:31

"I think it’s not actually in their interests and rather infantilising to be an adult child living in your parents’ home."

I think there's something in that, tbh - but the problem is in London/SE (and quite possibly elsewhere) rents are so high that if the adult dc don't earn mega salaries, private rents will take a huge proportion of a young 20s income. It does seem to be a major change that's really only happened over the last 10-15 years, perhaps even less than that. Hence parents whose dc were born before that being taken by surprise!

Ernst it's interesting that your experience of the adults you know in their 20s in Bavaria (I'm guessing location, but it seems a reasonable guess!) is different, and they're all setting up home. Are housing costs cheaper there, I wonder?

DarthNigel · 08/01/2018 08:09

This is an interesting thread... my youngest is 10.5. I am split up with the dc's dad though we still live in the same town.
I've always wanted to live by the sea preferably back up north where I'm from-currently living in expensive and land locked bit of south east.what stops me is needing to be here for their School and friends and them needing to be near their dad.
Additionally my career is on hold a bit still as limited to School hours due to some issues with dd2 (though that might hopefully change soon)-thus my earnings currently and any savings I might have had for old age are a bit nixed just now.
My plan is go downsize when they she left home and go up north and the profit from the house will go in my pension pot to make up for it.
But I do worry this will make them feel a bit detached from me, and a bit 'homeless'. I'd been thinking I could do it when they had finished uni but having read this will start to consider leaving it a bit later...

DivisionBelle · 08/01/2018 08:20

OP, you do seem to have a strong and enduring issue with a bad decision. Since you have a few years to go even to the earliest ‘escape’ date, would it help to talk this through with a counsellor? Felling as if you could weep with regret is not a happy way to live.

In the end it was a decision over a house...you have a house, a home, in a great location, that houses your family satisfactorily.

“Let it go....” (Elsa).

LIZS · 08/01/2018 08:33

I'm not sure your experience of German 20 somethings is universal. 30 odd years ago we visited an old friend of dh living in Germany. Her fiancé was a student - their uni courses can be far longer than UK equivalents, including placements - and they lived on basement of his parents with gp also nearby. Independent living seemed a long way off and this has more recently been evidenced by dental interns we have met via out regional orthodontic department who are all late 20s but earning very little with dependants.

NorthernSpirit · 08/01/2018 08:56

I think children expect too much now, are abit entitled and relay on parents too much. I don’t believe in all this ‘children come first’ everyone’s needs are equal.

You’ve raised your children and made sacrifices for them. Now is your time. If you want a flat in the city - do it. It’s your life, you only live once and life is too short. As long as you have room for the kids to stay then I think that’s fine. Are you expected to put your life on hold indefinitely for them? And all this.... children come home to live with you after uni. Why? When do they become independent and stand on their own two feet?

I say go for it.

Gottabenow · 08/01/2018 09:00

What is so awful about your current home that you can’t wait to leave, what are the mistakes you made and what does your husband think of it all?

Gottabenow · 08/01/2018 09:02

northernspirit op has four children at home including one aged 9

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 08/01/2018 09:19

People moan madly about housing costs, but I guess it's not worse than se uk. There isn't a culture of buying here either, most people, Inc middle aged professionals rent. There are excellent job opportunities in the city. Which is only 20 minutes on the train. I'm not considering emigrating or even going an hour away. My eldest spends most of his time there anyway. But then he's the one who wants to leave Germany anyway, or so he says.

OP posts:
PinkietheElf · 08/01/2018 09:29

The other thing would be to discuss it with DCs and maybe over time (the many years you are happy to wait) they will come round to empathising with your wishes. I doubt that many of those posting whose DPs abandoned them to the world got a chance to be included in the discussion about a move. It probably would have helped if they did.
Your DH sounds unsympathetic, I presume it is considered a waste of money to make a sideways move. But your happiness comes first.
Is the dislike of your house disguising other things in your life which you aren’t facing. To wait all those years until you will feel happy and settled seems unusual.