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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

keeping the family home once they go to uni - when is a good/acceptable time to downsize?

144 replies

ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 18:03

Dh and I would really like to move to a flat in the city. Slightly hampered by the fact we have 4 school-aged children (just about).

The eldest will finish school in June this year. He wants to have a "gap year" (probably best not to get me started on that one) and then (probably) go to university. (He has done NOTHING about what to do in his gap year, and nothing at all re investigating courses, despite my best efforts.

Ds 2 will finish school in June 2019. (He's 17)
DS 3 will finish school in June 2022. (He's 14)
Dd is 9 and will finish in June 2027 (She's 9)

Obviously, the dc need a base during uni holidays. At the moment they all have their own room. We would be looking to buy a 3 bed-flat.

I really want to move! Really a lot. How long should we wait? Until dc 2 has started uni/finished uni? Or later?

OP posts:
prettypaws · 07/01/2018 18:28

My parents wanted to stay in the family home but moved walls around and got rid of bedrooms in favour of storage and bathrooms. I'm a bit sad it doesn't feel like we're welcome anymore but there's a lot more to that then getting rid of rooms.

If you're considering them all needing a base in the summer holidays, would they (3 boys) be sharing? If you're keen to move as quickly as you can the older 3 could potentially have to end up bunking in together if something happened.

I can see you would need a room for your 2 youngest living at home but that would leave no possibility for the older 2 to ever visit or if something happened. So many adult children continue living at home whilst studying or return after because of relationship breakdowns, saving for their first property, illness, job loss etc.

When all 4 are grown i think 2 spare rooms is good as a safety net/for visitors as the rooms could be used as other things when no one is there. I think it all comes down to your idea of being a parent once the kids are over 18 and the family dynamic; whether you'd want to be a safety net, expect them to sort themselves out during a hard time, have grandkids over or to stay in hotels etc when visiting.

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 07/01/2018 18:29

I’d wait until at least DD has finished Uni which will be 2030 at the earliest. Try to focus on something else Smile

lazymum99 · 07/01/2018 18:50

They return after uni you know. Unless downsizing will involve helping them out with rent/deposit then you're stuck. Its really hard for them after they finish. As PP said Id concentrate on something else.
Also (said with experience) when they do come back you are better off with some space or else everyone is going to go crazy.

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 18:51

OH, that's totally the wrong answer Sad Sad Sad

I really hate my house (sobbing emoticon) I'd so love to move to the city.

Is 2024 totally mad? It still seems so far away...

We opted for 3 bed, as we thought there would then be room for people to visit. It might sound awful, but I'm not too keen on encouraging adult children to live at home. Neither me nor dh did. I can see ds1 turning into a lazy arse that we would never get rid of him!

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Notthisnotthat · 07/01/2018 18:59

My parents sold up once my sister and I got married, I was 25. They moved to a 2 bedroom flat. It's tight when my sister and kids visit but that's never for more than 2 nights.

threestonetogo · 07/01/2018 19:00

My parents moved abroad when I was 19 and at uni - I survived, but wouldn't do the same to my DC.

DD (21) is currently at home having graduated last July. She is doing a lot of travelling, but re-appears every now and again to earn some money, before disappearing again. DS is at uni, but has just spent Xmas at home.

I have decided to wait until DC are fairly settled into adult life before downsizing. I also hope to have somewhere big enough to ensure that they always have somewhere to go to if they need it.

GingerbreadMa · 07/01/2018 19:02

University accomodation is not "home". Quite depressing if you dont have a "real" home to retreat to in the holidays. Plus a lot of uni lets are 10 months out of the year not 12

brizzledrizzle · 07/01/2018 19:03

I won't be going anywhere, I want them always to have a home base to return to so I wouldn't downsize until they are old enough not to need it even if they don't use it; you never know what their future will hold.

InfiniteSheldon · 07/01/2018 19:06

My youngest was 26 when I sold up ......my oldest cried!!

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 19:11

yes, so I was half wondering about 2022, because then ds 1, and possibly 2, should have finished uni by then. So their whole time at uni, they would have this house, and their room to come back to.

Thing is, we are british, but all 3 boys grew up in switzerland, and we've only lived in Germany since 2008. We don't have roots here. ds1 often moans about how he want s to move away, got to an english-speaking country, leave germany etc etc. So I am loathe to put my life totally on hold for him. I'd hardly be turfing him out of the ancestral home. Plus, I think he is a bit all talk, no action, and it would actually do him good to get out there and experience the world a bit, as he has been saying himself for years. But I also think he's a bit lazy (and deep down, a bit scared....) so making life too comfortable to return to might not actually be in his best interests - he'd end up here as default, when he's moaned about it for years.

2022 - all ds's will be going to/at/finished uni, dd will be 12. So we would have one room, her another, then there would be one spare bedroom....

2022 still too soon (sob?)

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Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 19:15

You see, I can't relate to this at all, which I suppose is why I'm asking for other views. I hated my home life, wasn't attached to the house we lived in, couldn't wait to leave. Went to uni when I was 18 and never went back. Longest I've ever visited since then was a couple of nights, and never again.

So it's totally out of my comprehension. Which yes, is why I'm asking. I have a great relationship with (most of) my dc. love them, love spending time with them, think it's reciprocated, (from most of them). But I can't relate to going back home.

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EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 07/01/2018 19:23

DH has been back home twice. Once for a year when he graduated and once for a year when his first marriage broke down. I’ve been back once after having a serious illness and the hospital on,y agreeing to discharge me if I went home.

Hate to bring this up, but you do know the average age for boys leaving home in the UK...Smile

FaFoutis · 07/01/2018 19:24

Could you buy a really small and cheapish flat in the city for you to use for now?
I have no roots and never had an attachment to a family home either. I'd love to move but my dc are happy where we are. I'm saving to buy a small place somewhere exciting to sort my itchy feet out. I could not possibly wait until they are post university.

LIZS · 07/01/2018 19:26

Uni where? iirc you are abroad and length of courses and expectations for accommodation and visiting home may well differ to in UK . Tbh if you want to move closer to the city is there anything really stopping you doing something sooner?

BackforGood · 07/01/2018 19:31

Am inclined to agree with all other replies.
I have one in her first year at University, one who graduated in the Summer and is now home, plus one younger one.
I'm actively looking to move house, but I would still be looking for 4 bedrooms, and to stay in same local area, as for them this is home.

It isn't so much 'being lazy' as actually not being able to get jobs that pay enough to be able to rent somewhere for a whole lot of youngsters graduating.

Obviously, it is your life, and your choice, but if you are asking us what the dc would feel, then I'd say they'd feel pushed out and unwanted.
Indeed, one of ds's friend's Mum's moved house while he was at University. It's not far in miles (poss 8 - 10?) but a) it was never his home, and b) he couldn't get together with his mates without having to wait for lifts (no train and no realistic bus service). It didn't take him long to decide he was going to move away to live with very new girlfriend in a new town. Maybe that is what you are aiming for, but ds and all other friends think it is not a good mood (I've no idea, obviously I don't know the girl), but that he was sort of forced into it by circumstance rather than choice, which is never the best start to a relationship.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/01/2018 19:33

I’m planning on moving once dd starts uni but will ensure new house is big enough for dd to still have a bedroom if she needs one. She’s upset enough about that as she wants to be in her home town still at holidays....but I need to move closer to work. Only 40 miles away, but apparantly it’s thee end of the world. Grrrrr.

Newrules · 07/01/2018 19:35

If you really hate your home why don't you just move now and downsize in the future? With one child still only 9, and three other dc to consider I think its not the time to downsize but you could when your 9 year old goes to uni.

Squeegle · 07/01/2018 19:39

Yes to what newrules says

OhYouBadBadKitten · 07/01/2018 19:43

I think it's fine to move once they are at university, you do have your own lives too, but you need to make sure that they still not only have a room, but the room feels like theirs. Don't move that first Christmas though!

My parents moved country and made it very clear that it was a guest room and I was just a visitor. It was a very lonely Christmas and for many reasons after that I did my best not to stay again for the holidays. Effectively I felt turfed out when I started university, which meant I felt as though I didn't have a home.

WooWooWitchetyWoo · 07/01/2018 19:50

They do love coming back! I've got them at all stages, but, although I plan to move this year, I still want a big house so they can all come back at the same time if they want (including grandchildren and partners of kids). This has made me think that, actually, I don't ever want to downsize. I think it'd make me too upset to think I was in smaller houses because life was winding down Sad.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 07/01/2018 19:54

A friend of mine's mum moved in with her boyfriend during friend's first term at uni. It was really hard for her as she felt pushed out despite there being physical space for her. You are presumably thinking of a smaller place without even physical space?

My brother is back with mum and dad aged 22 having left the Forces. They have space for him and that safety net is a great gift. It shouldn't be an expectation for adult children as such but it's certainly something I have had the benefit of and hence want to provide for my DC.

I really think you should shelve the idea for now. I am all for people having their own interests outside of the DC but it seems to be jumping the gun to be planning it so much given DD is still in primary school!

I would focus on loving the house you have or very possibly considering a new home for you all. What would you like - character, more vibrant location, modern? - and can this be achieved somehow while meeting DCs needs - proximity to schools, access to transport links, enough space?

Failing that could you plan to AirBNB for a month in a city in the Summer and enjoy eating out etc without giving up the family home? Perhaps the grass isn't greener? In fact, a 6-month let in a city while keeping on the family home wouldbe a possible option when DD is at uni, perhaps.

BackforGood · 07/01/2018 20:05

I do agree with NewLives though, that if you hate your house that much, then why not move now, whilst they are all still with you and will be able to consider the new house their home ?

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 20:06

We couldn't afford a place in the city with 5 bedrooms. So there be no point in moving until we no longer needed 5. Already a 3 bedroom flat would be really extortionate, but we would want a couple of spare rooms if they wanted to come to us. It's just a question of when we could do it. I can't imagine putting my life on hold, and staying in this house for another twelve plus years, just in case. That's depressing.
Sad

There is no such thing as a cheapish flat in the city. 3 beds would be tough, but that's definitely what we would do. 5 beds I the city is almost unthinkable and would be totally unaffordable.

No idea even if the kids would study in Germany or elsewhere in Europe. They don't seem to know either. Or end up living here. They might ask decide to move to UK, then I guess we would have to consider that. Then I'll never get my lovely flat in the city!Shock

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goldwrapped · 07/01/2018 20:07

Thought we'd have a spare room when my son left for uni. He had to move back home after suffering from serious MH issues half way through his second year. Completely unforeseen.
He's doing ok now, but I can't see him leaving home before he's at least 25. He's just too fragile.
You just don't know what life is going to throw at you, I'd look for other ways to realise your dreams. Good luck xx

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 20:16

Well, this thread has been an eye opener. Shock Couldn't wait to leave at 18. Can't imagine still having kids with me aged 25Shock

I love them all so much, and would do anything for them. But now I feel trapped in this place and I'll never be free! Hate this house even more now than I did an hour ago, as I feel effectively trapped here. Oh well.

Guess I need to start a thread now on how to learn to like the house you don't Wink

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