keeping the family home once they go to uni - when is a good/acceptable time to downsize?

[ErnestTheBavarian]

Dh and I would really like to move to a flat in the city. Slightly hampered by the fact we have 4 school-aged children (just about).

The eldest will finish school in June this year. He wants to have a "gap year" (probably best not to get me started on that one) and then (probably) go to university. (He has done NOTHING about what to do in his gap year, and nothing at all re investigating courses, despite my best efforts.

Ds 2 will finish school in June 2019. (He's 17)
DS 3 will finish school in June 2022. (He's 14)
Dd is 9 and will finish in June 2027 (She's 9)

Obviously, the dc need a base during uni holidays. At the moment they all have their own room. We would be looking to buy a 3 bed-flat.

I really want to move! Really a lot. How long should we wait? Until dc 2 has started uni/finished uni? Or later?

Agree with all those saying it's quite different now - I know what you mean about students effectively leaving home at 18 in the past, but things have changed! In the UK at least - particularly London and SE rents make it tricky for all but the highest paid young 20s. May be different in Germany!

And my observation is that many of today's young adults (not all, obviously) are much closer emotionally to their parents than we used to be. Would be interesting to know the reasons for that.
Anyway, thinking constructively, is the 3 bed flat in the city definitely out in the near future? 4 beds any possibility with a bit of sharing?

My parents put a full size snooker table in my bedroom as soon as I went to uni. I felt really welcome

It meant I moved in with a very unsuitable boyfriend and stayed with him for years. If I’d still had a bedroom at home I’d have gone there.

Glad you aren’t my mum
Why did you have 4 kids if you want to live in a small flat in a city?

Just move now. They can share rooms.
Move now all together and stay together.

Day dreaming of a flat in 6 years time is hardly counting down the days till I'm shot of my children . Actually, if I could afford a 5 or 6 bedroom property in the city there would be no problem! All of the kids, especially dc 1 and dc 4 would be bloody thrilled with that. And we're not even contemplating a 1 bedroom flat. Having 2 spare bedrooms, when 3 of our 4 dc are adults is hardly neglect! We worked on the assumption they would want to buggar off like we both did.

I guess the people who seem shocked or upset, at the thought of getting a 3 bedroom property in 6 years time or see this negatively are people from close families with homes. I never had that myself, but I think I have managed to create a warm, loving family unit for my (beloved) children. So, no one is getting turfed out, 6 years isn't cruel or throwing anyone out on the streets, no one is moving secretly and not leaving a forwarding address!. I was just wondering what the feeling was on when was a good time to downsize vis a vis universities!

Not now, clearly! Apparently not in 6 years time either!

It was never an option that they wouldn't have a base/home to come back to.

The desolation of knowing that your parent doesn't want you around any more never leaves you OP. This isn't about the house, this is about how you feel about your children:

" I'm not too keen on encouraging adult children to live at home.

"I am loathe to put my life totally on hold for him

"making life too comfortable to return to might not actually be in his best interests

"I hated my home life, wasn't attached to the house we lived in, couldn't wait to leave. Went to uni when I was 18 and never went back

"we would want a couple of spare rooms if they wanted to come to us. It's just a question of when we could do it. I can't imagine putting my life on hold, and staying in this house for another twelve plus years, just in case. That's depressing.

..was wondering (dreaming) about when DS3 starts uni in 2022. Then I'd only have dd at home ft"

Your words.

I didn't manage to love out after uni until I was 24. That was being sensible and saving for a deposit for a year or so after uni. I guess maybe your eldest would be ready to move out in 6 years but doubt your other boys would? But I guess they could share the spare bedroom? It may be doable but I guess it will be a case of waiting and seeing.

I had to leave home (in a manner of speaking) very young as my parents sadly both died - the deaths weren’t related to one another just an unfortunate coincidence.

One of the hardest things was not having any sort of permanent base, I moved from house share to house share, and a lot of the time the landlord wanted my parents’ address. I had to explain I didn’t have any.

It’s tough.

Sorry to highjack. Used can I pm you about some advice pls?(if I learn how to pm that is).

Of course but I’m not sure how much use I’ll be! But glad to help if I can

I also think that life is tougher for young people now. I went to university, and married and bought my first house straight after graduation so never went back "home" but even rented housing is so expensive now with so much in fees required up front and many graduates struggle to get well paid jobs or guaranteed full time hours. My children are in their twenties and my youngest is 25 and still living at home, saving up, as are many of my friends' grown up children of a similar age. We have one grand child and I look after her in our home two days per week plus some overnight babysitting once or twice a month at the weekend - also common as nursery fees are so high. We need just as much room as we did when our children were young! We need space for toys and baby equipment as well. If you have a good relationship with your children it can work well. As someone said earlier being a parent doesn't stop when they reach 18. I don't mind as long as they appreciate it which they do. We still manage to have our own life too but can't ever see us downsizing.

You just can't predict it at this stage. Short-term contracts instead of permanent jobs are becoming much more widely used, including in professional occupations, insecure lets are also much more common. The average age at which young people can afford to buy their own property is now 36.

That's not to say that you should be expected to house your children until they are 36 but there may well be periods in their lives when things go wrong for them and they may need you temporarily.

You and they may be lucky and everything work out OK for them to be totally independent straight out of uni. But it might not.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for your children to be off your hands before you live the life you want. That's sad. I don't believe that there aren't things that you could do to improve your situation in the meantime, even if that means compromising on your "dream" for the time being.

Yes, well, I'm glad I asked here, because it's really been an eye opener. 'Wait and see' is definitely the order of the day.

A lot of my colleagues are a lot younger than me. Mid to late twenties and none of them live with their families, and haven't for several years either. And they do have a close relationship with their families and go to visit regularly! But they don't live at home. I guess in thought it was normal to think the adult children would be off, making their own lives, having their own adventures, experiences etc. DC 1 has always wanted to travel. Dc3 wants to go to Canada or NZ (big into marine biology) dc2 doesn't know yet. Dc1 said he wants to move to an English speaking country. Maybe UK. They've often takes about doing stuff. My kids know they are the most important thing to me, even if it hasn't come across on here.

I had 4 DC because I came from a very cold, unloving family. I never had a dad. For a few years I had an abusive step dad. My mum is not an emotional or loving or warm person. I craved a loving home, with plenty of people about. And that's what I've been lucky enough to achieve.

Just fancied moving in a few years, that's all! I'm happy to buy bunk beds if that helps my case. I mean, not every kid from a family with 4 kids gets to have their own room, right?

Ernest my personal experience is that if your children feel secure they will seamlessly move onto adult life. If that security net is whisked away this doesn’t force a transition to adult life rather it is like being on a roller coaster without a safety bar where you’re just clinging on.

For the most part I am okay. But I still feel some sadness that the years where I should (apparently) have been living it up were filled with pain and insecurity and sadness.

It’s not just about close families.
Uni students need somewhere for tne holidays.

And would moving mean children moving schools? In the middle of exam years?

There must be some compromise. What is the matter with your house? Can’t you buy a suburban house that you like better rather than a city flat? Or just a house you like better?

Some families are all in one room.

Move now all together. Just move if it’s what makes you happy but take them with you.

I am shocked at my strong reaction to your posts, I don’t ever want my kids to move out!! (That’s not right either I suppose but I really don’t!!)
We have a painting in the hall of three houses in a row and I always tell them that’s where we are living when they grow up.

Used, I'm really sorry that was your experience. I guess mine was similar, in that I didn't feel I could, and hated the thought of going back. I didn't have the horrendous loss and grief to contend with though. That's something that for me is totally incomprehensible. A really awful thrust into adulthood. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I was more forced into it as my homelife was just so hard and miserable. I couldn't go back. But my DC are coddled little bunnies who know little hardship. The door is always open etc etc. I guess I just need to keep a few more doors for longer than I would like.

I must be weirdly placed in the world, because my colleagues are mainly mid to late twenties and just starting on the road to weddings and Parenthood. I don't know anyone with children the same age, or a bit older than my DC, so I guess I don't have their experience to compare with. So the world of adult children at home is foreign to me. totally.

That’s kind of what makes it hard though Ernest They might be coddled and so so loved but for teenagers and young adults sometimes gestures can take on a significance that it doesn’t have to us. A room for example is hugely important to a teenager and while it’s easy to think ‘oh, but they are still welcome, they have bunk beds’ it can feel more personal.

My dad bought another smaller house after we’d lost my mum. It was, retrospectively, a perfectly nice house. Three bedrooms, little garden, perfectly pleasant. But - it felt awful, to the point where years later I still feel like the house I grew up in was my childhood.

Now living next door is a great idea

No. I would never change their schools. Because all the DC except 1 will have left school by the time we would consider moving. And DD has set her heart on a secondary school which is right in the city, so actually, for her it would be brilliant.

She has been eyeing up the school for a while. We have a list of 3 possible schools. And they are all in the city (her choice). She will get the train to school from here. If we were to move it was be totally to her benefit journey wise. The boys won't be affected like that because they'll have left school, but if they did come back 'home', being in the city would also be much better for them, work wise.

How did you end up in a house/area that you hate?
When a young person goes to university their accommodation is just that. It is not a home. Most of their stuff remains at the family home.
You could however, move to a 3 bedroom flat once the oldest 2 have gone to university if the bedrooms are large enough to fit 2 adults in each. But those will be their bedrooms not guest rooms. If all of you want to be in the city then 'all' go. But it will have to be a family flat however many rooms.

My experience is different to a lot on here. I moved out age 16, absolutely couldn't wait. I'm really close to my family but by the time I was 19 I definitely didn't have a bedroom to go back to. That room is now a room for grandkids and though they had a bed for me, moving back full time wasnt an option. I dont resent them for that at all, they've always helped me and been there for me in life but made it clear I had to stand in my own two feet.

Saying that though, I'm one of 4 and we had a three bed house so I was used to what you plan to move to anyway. Kids having their own bedrooms isn't a must at all. Once all the lads are adults and at university do they really need their own room there? I'd just do up the biggest room so its got three beds in there for if they needed to stay.

we relocated 2017. we have 3 dds, 22,19 and 9. dd1 finished uni last year. we left middle one behind. oldest nominally lives with us(stays elsewhere during the week). but i must admit it was important to me to have 4 bedrooms, even if small. i didnt want them to feel stuck in something because they no longer had a home.

Mine moved out and we upsized (extended). They come back to visit a lot and occasionally for slightly longer between house moves and relocations, with partners! I would hate to be squashed for our really lovely adult get togethers.

It would be a family flat the while point of getting extra bedrooms would be for them to stay. I don't hate the area I live in at all. I like it. Actually, the location is almost perfect. But I've always regretted the actual house. I / we made 3 wrong decisions and I stupidly torture myself over them. I'm ok for a while. then something reminds me of my stupid mistake and I chew over it. Then I'm ok for a while and repeat. Something happened recently to drag it all up again and it just really upset me, so I thought, instead of churning over with the regrets of past decisions which I can't change, I'll look to the future. So then I thought, only X years here, then we can move, don't look back, be positive and look forward. Then I thought. Oops, can't really happen any time soon because of the children. I'll just ask here what a realistic age would be.......

Just wanted to add. On the flip side, I wouldn't downsize personally. I'd actually quite like to convert the attic once the kids are all grown (and we will have more money)so we have an extra room. Before down sizing its worth thinking about if you'd like the children staying over in the future when they too have children. Mine stay at my parents every now and then but there's no way we could all fit there