Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

keeping the family home once they go to uni - when is a good/acceptable time to downsize?

144 replies

ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 18:03

Dh and I would really like to move to a flat in the city. Slightly hampered by the fact we have 4 school-aged children (just about).

The eldest will finish school in June this year. He wants to have a "gap year" (probably best not to get me started on that one) and then (probably) go to university. (He has done NOTHING about what to do in his gap year, and nothing at all re investigating courses, despite my best efforts.

Ds 2 will finish school in June 2019. (He's 17)
DS 3 will finish school in June 2022. (He's 14)
Dd is 9 and will finish in June 2027 (She's 9)

Obviously, the dc need a base during uni holidays. At the moment they all have their own room. We would be looking to buy a 3 bed-flat.

I really want to move! Really a lot. How long should we wait? Until dc 2 has started uni/finished uni? Or later?

OP posts:
PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 07/01/2018 20:20

Ernest if that really is the case that you feel trapped and unhappy, then a sideways move to a new family home you actually like, or an area that still meets DCs needs but is in a location with a different ethos, if location is the problem, certainly doesn't sound pointless.

WeaselsRising · 07/01/2018 20:21

We downsized through necessity a few years ago. DC1 had finished uni and left home, DC2 had dropped out and come back, DC3 was at uni.

So far we've had DC2 live with us for 3 long years, DC3 back through uni and after, and now DC3 & 4 +1 back for 6 weeks so far! We have zero space and it is driving us mad. I long for the space in the family home we had to give up (moved for work).

If I had my time again I would have picked a cheaper area and bought a bigger house, but we didn't expect them all to come back.

WeaselsRising · 07/01/2018 20:24

Ernest one left at 29 and the elder of the two who have come back is 28.... It's a different world (I was married at 20).

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 07/01/2018 20:28

If you don’t like the house that much, I’d move. I never settled in our last house. Perfectly nice house but just never felt like home. I’ve been much happier since we moved.

SingaSong12 · 07/01/2018 20:28

I really needed the safety net of my DParents when I was at uni and after but it sound like it's not clear where yourvDC will be based. Right now concentrate on your school age children. Another agreeing that moving house now (to same size house) may be a better option. From your posts that seems to mean not in a city.

As you are all British citizens the other thing on the cards is of course Brexit (Are you dual nationals in which case may not be relevant.)

What will this mean for your rights to live in the country you are now? That's also something your older DCs need to consider when deciding where to study (will they pay fees and at what level and will they be eligible for loans/grants.) it's something you need to consider for your younger children - as it unfolds think about which school system they will be in and if you think it might be the U.K. (before they would go to university) moving back before they start GCSE or Alevels.
If they will want to study at university in the UK they may need to have been resident to pay "home" student fees or to qualify for loans.

NovemberWitch · 07/01/2018 20:36

I couldn’t wait to leave home, went to uni and just kept going. Loved it.
My adult children are very different to me. Fortunately our house share is working out well. One went to uni and came back. Rents in the SE are insanely high.
Do what you like, at 18 they are technically adults and the law is on your side, but be prepared for your relationships to change if your adult children feel inconvenient and dumped.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 07/01/2018 20:37

I would be looking for a compromise house though timing will be tricky with looming gcses and a levels for the next few years.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 07/01/2018 20:38

oh oops, just saw the bit about you being in Germany. I don't know about the exam system there.

NovemberWitch · 07/01/2018 20:39

I suppose you are also a dire warning for those who have children, especially so many. Hard choices if they don’t want to be booted out of the nest.

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 20:44

Absolutely. Should have just got a dog!

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 07/01/2018 20:48

We’ve got 2 DC , ones graduated , now working and renting a flat with his GF
One in the last year at uni
We want to downsize , but realise at this stage in our lives we still need a 4 bed house , I want them to come and stay with us ( for a week , not forever )
I can’t believe you’re thinking of downsizing when you still have a 9 year old in the home

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 20:59

I'm not thinking of downsizing literally now!

I was wondering (dreaming) about when DS3 starts uni in 2022. Then I'd only have dd at home ft, ds 1 would in theory have left 4 years previously.
Ds1 has always said the minute he finishes school he's off (and never returning). I'm not sure that going to happen now Grin

OK, I'll put my dreams on hold till 2025, or no boys return, or I'd dead, whichever comes first.

Dh would never agree to move to another house. I probably wouldn't want to bother either. We are both keen to move to the city. We are not that far anyway, but it def has suburban feel rather then bustling city feel, with all the amenities and culture etc that would come with it.

No point in moving from one suburb to another. I guess I'll have to learn to accept this (huge mistake and big regret) house. Tips?

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 07/01/2018 21:02

Sorry , I thought you were counting the days 💐
It makes sense to start thinking about it , before you have to start thinking about it
But it’s not easy ...

RaininSummer · 07/01/2018 21:05

My lass of 25 still needs her home base as she will be at uni doing PhD and unable to get a permanent home for years. Appreciate it must be disappointing for you OP but try not to make your kids feel unwelcome as they get older. Life is much tougher now.

newtlover · 07/01/2018 21:09

they say people are still in adolescence until their mid 20s, and this is compounded by the difficulty of getting a decently paid job, plus student debt, plus the cost of housing, which all combine to keep young people in a state of limbo. Don't know how old you are OP but none of those economic factors applied to me when I was in my 20s, so once I graduated I did start to be independent. But until then i did need a home base to return to in the long vacation (when I worked in home town).
I now have 4 DCs in their 20s and tbh only 1 of them is truly independent, 1 is at home permanently and 2 come and go depending on jobs/housing.
So I'd have to agree with PPs that your kids need a stable home until the youngest has graduated, at least.
You need to concentrate on enjoying where you are and making changes so that is possible.

TwitterQueen1 · 07/01/2018 21:13

Why did you have children OP? The contract doesn't end at 18 you know.

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 21:16

"Life is much tougher now"... I guess I'll find out in my own time through my own dc experience, but from where I'm standing, they don't know they're born!

My dc have so much more than I ever had. Like , immeasurably more. In every single way. I struggle to see that anything is tough, but I guess they/we haven't moved onto the 'next stage' and then maybe I'll think differently...

OP posts:
usedtogotomars · 07/01/2018 21:18

I must admit, I wondered the same twitter

Gottabenow · 07/01/2018 21:21

You seem so impatient, 'trapped' and desperate to move that I would be looking at this in a totally different way ie relocating or moving to an interim house. You can't realistically downsize for a long time when you have four school aged children.

Also why a three bed flat? That would be impossible to find in my area. And are you sure you want to live in the heart of a bustling city when you are retired?

Original poster
ErnestTheBavarian · 07/01/2018 21:22

That's hilarious! Disliking my house and dreaming of moving to a 3 bed flat (with 2 spare bedrooms) in 6 years time means I should never have had children? Ha ha ha. Grin Grin Grin (In 6 years time, my dc1 will be 24 years old! I'm hardly kicking the baby out, and regretting the day he was born! Grin Grin)

Like I said, hilarious

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 07/01/2018 21:23

My parents turned my room into an office and whenever i visited i had to sleep on the sofa. Sofa, not sofabed. Even when i was there for two months.

Fair enough, their house they can change what they wish, but i have never felt welcome in the 20 years since i left. I wouldn't do that to my son - but appreciate we have just the one dc, not four.

usedtogotomars · 07/01/2018 21:23

But Ernest,you seem to be counting down the days until they all leave and you can do what you wish: that’s what people are a bit Confused about, I think.

I am not hugely sentimental but I am reading this wondering why you had four, as you seem so irritated and upset by the natural limitations this puts on your life.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 07/01/2018 21:29

Both me and my sister and DH and his sister all had to go back home for a bit after uni. So I think maybe it’s a bit cruel to have no base for your children to come back to. In fact I had a friend who this happened to- his Mum remarried and sold their 3 bed family home and moved into a one bedroom flat in central London so he and his sister never had a proper “home” to go back to after uni. It did upset them both.

That said your option is still better than what happened to an ex of mine who’s mum and stepdad moved house during his first term at uni and left no forwarding address Confused they were a weird bunch though.

A580Hojas · 07/01/2018 21:31

Ernest, I completely understand about not wanting adult children to live at home. I adore my dc but I don't want them hanging around here forever.

I have a really good friend whose 26 year old son keeps on re-appearing after various flatshares and relationships go wrong. Last time he turned up on their doorstep it was because he didn't get on with his flatmates and the lease on their shared flat ran out. Now he has a new girlfriend and wants to move in with her in May next year. In the intervening 6 months he is dossing with his parents in their very compact house and my friend isn't really happy with this!! (although she can't say it to him).

I say move to whatever property you want to when the youngest has gone to University.

Gottabenow · 07/01/2018 21:32

Oh just realized you are in Germany so maybe the flat situation is different.

But even in six years time your 3 bed flat won't have 2 spare bedrooms will it as you will have at the very least your daughter still with you and maybe one or two of the others.