How do I respond to this?

[DorothyL]

My mum is currently visiting from abroad, we last saw her in August and won't see her again till April. She arrived yesterday.

Dd (13) started complaining this morning that she didn't want to come out with us, why couldn't she be left alone on the first day of the holidays.

I said because of her grandmother, but she was adamant. I left her to it while we were having breakfast but then went up to see her. She was now saying she was feeling ill. We decided to go out without her. I phoned her once and she gave a very convincing impression of feeling ill, said her head hurt so much she couldn't move etc
Came home she seemed ok. Tonight she refused again to come downstairs said she was too unwell but when I went to see her she looked totally fine.
I am convinced she made it up and feel I have "proof" in that she spent the whole time we were out on Netflix (I checked)

If we didn't have my mum here I woulf happily have left her to it but this I feel is just rude and inconsiderate and manipulative.

Wwyd? I am fuming, and am also sad - I just don't know what makes dd tick anymore.

My Dd is a bit older now but she has been like this is the past and I have learnt not make a big deal. It just causes bad vibes and everyone ends up not happy..

Is there anyway of coming to a middle ground like agreeing about spending time with family/nan and also Dd having her time to.

Hope you manage to work something out

Teenagers are bonkers, just leave it and don't turn it into a big deal , pick your battles wisely.... 13 is the start of it, hold on tight op, it's a bumpy ride until you come out the other side! Good luck

The thing is my mum is leaving Wed so it's only a short visit, after that dd can do what she likes the rest of the holidays, so I don't think it's too much to ask to make a little bit of effort.

What gets me as well is the deceitfulness.

PlugUgly if only I could say this is the start... Dd started being difficult when she was just 11...

Just focus on your mum, not your daughter, and don't feel to bad about 'deceitfulness' it's all normal stuff tbh

I'm all for picking battles but this is a big deal because it affects her grandmother!!!

An early starter eh? Well hopefully it will all be over sooner!

And so it begins.
Tell her she is coming down for tea and she will be going out with Nan. No discussion.
Once Nan has gone then teenager can sit up til early hours watching Netflix.

But can't she just see her within the home? I remember cringing at family outings at that age

But she didn't even bother to come down for any meals!

Like the previous poster said, pick your battles. I would say to her she can stay home alone for the next couple of days to do her own thing but she has to be polite and respectful to you and your Mum.

Then I would tell her you are all going out on Tuesday, no arguing, she's going or else there will be consequences, no Netflix or take her most wanted Christmas present back for a refund.

Oh ok, yes I would be firm on that one, no coming down = no netflix for 48 hours , will soon get herself down to the table

The deceitfulness is an issue for me though, I've pieced together that it was all just an act and I'm so angry and disappointed.

Does she normally come down for meals? Is she refusing because your mum is there?

She does normally come down. I think she was just refusing because she felt she was owed a day in bed on the first day of the holidays. That's what she told me very forcefully before changing tack and pretending she was ill.

I found grandparents really difficult at that age - they seemed to magnify all the things I was trying to hide or struggling with and would make 'innocent' comments which as an adult I can brush off but would set me off crying at 13.

Has your mum said something to her previously she could be stewing on?

Another one saying don't sweat too much about it. My DD is 12 and has been this way for a year now. Teenagers like their own company and on their own terms.

I avoided my grandparents for ages as they always said how big I was, asked about what I wanted to do when I grew up and I was having major issues with identity and food and image - none of which sound like a big deal and aren't buy felt like an inquisition!

But what about my mum in this, what do I say to her?

She's probably shattered so low on stamina. Needing to rest. Which you could have predicted. Why couldn't you all just have a Netflix day together? Snuggled up together with treats

Not wanting to go out for the day I can understand, and I'd let the lying go on that one. Not coming down for meals is just extremely rude.

Maybe see what she's like today and take it from there?

I don't think a netflix day would have appealed to my mum, and dd wouldn't have wanted that either I'm sure - she just did not want to be with us.

Tell your mum dd feeling poorly

Tell dd you expect her to drop the act and think about her DGM's feelings!

I would tell her you are prepared to compromise - she doesn't have to go out but all meals are compulsory even if she isn't eating as it's polite and respectful to her grandmother.

I would be accommodating about the trips out, and try to figure out what dd wants.

Then I would talk to her about how your mother is feeling, and how you are feeling. Try to appeal to her better nature.

If that doesn't work turn off the internet and cancel her phone contract, which probably won't work either, but will get the point across.