How do I respond to this?

[DorothyL]

My mum is currently visiting from abroad, we last saw her in August and won't see her again till April. She arrived yesterday.

Dd (13) started complaining this morning that she didn't want to come out with us, why couldn't she be left alone on the first day of the holidays.

I said because of her grandmother, but she was adamant. I left her to it while we were having breakfast but then went up to see her. She was now saying she was feeling ill. We decided to go out without her. I phoned her once and she gave a very convincing impression of feeling ill, said her head hurt so much she couldn't move etc
Came home she seemed ok. Tonight she refused again to come downstairs said she was too unwell but when I went to see her she looked totally fine.
I am convinced she made it up and feel I have "proof" in that she spent the whole time we were out on Netflix (I checked)

If we didn't have my mum here I woulf happily have left her to it but this I feel is just rude and inconsiderate and manipulative.

Wwyd? I am fuming, and am also sad - I just don't know what makes dd tick anymore.

You're upset and embarrassed because your daughter doesn't get that she needs to make an effort with her grandmother. Forcing her into a corner doesn't make her 'get' that - it makes her do it with ill- grace or ham it up so she doesn't do it at all.

Their relationship won't be built on groaning obligation or VERY SPECIAL MUST HAVE FUN TODAY days. It might have gone better if your daughter's need for an end of term collapse had been factored into the visit plan.

I'm mortified when my son 'shows me up' but I know that adding my own emotional baggage to their behaviour doesn't mean it gets sorted quicker or better

I think you're getting a hard time op. A need for a rest day is understandable, but there no need to be deceitful about it and refuse to engage with a guest in the house. Why should a need for a rest day trump being kind to another person who you don't see very much? The dd is a child so is learning this stuff but I can't blame her mother for trying to teach her some empathy.

Like I said upthread, ignore the lying on this occasion, tackle the mealtimes.

I think she may be a little more like you than you'd care to admit Dorothy

You both clearly like like to win!

So as the parent win but in the way you can without argument. The wi fi and net flicks password way sounds great.

A rest day?

Has she been down the pit?

You are pandering to her needs if anything!

Are you expecting dd to spend all her time with her grandmother? I think at 13 comprimise is needed on both sides.

But op by saying she didn't have to come but then saying you wouldn't be happy with her if she did stay at home - this to me is emotional blackmail, controlling behaviour.
My mum used to do this to me, I'm in my late 40s now and I can still recall every time she used to treat me this way.
You need to move on from this today and start afresh.

She is a child learning how to behave, I am telling her that I think it's the wrong decision because it's hurting somebody else's feeling. So should I lie and say I think it's absolutely fine?

I'm sure you're not a shit mum. It sounds like you both need to be considerate towards each other

I'm not expecting her to spend ALL her time with grandma, but I do expect her to make an effort.

You need to stop thinking of her as a child as well.

She really isn't.

She is what, 2nd yr? 3rd yr? of secondary school?

She's old enough to know that sometimes you have to put yourself out for an elderly visiting relative who won't be around forever. Who probably was quite looking forward to seeing her.

I think you need to ascertain your bare minimum requirements and take it from there.

YANBU and as Vintage said, she doesn't really need a rest day!

Vintage, Cauliflower, that's what I'm thinking!

I am still fuming but don't want to start a big argument now while my mum is here.

Btw she spent all of last Sunday in her pjs but apparently that didn't count as a rest day because she did a couple of homeworks that day

I have been very ill and curled up in bed with just Netflix for company so I'd be wary of using that as an excuse for confronting your DD.

You said you dont know what makes you DD tick anymore. That is true for most parents of teenagers. Gone are the days of being able to easily telling them what they are doing and when. My mother basically negotiated everything with me and my sibling. You get to avoid X if you do Y kind of thing. Some things and days were non-negotiable on either side and we worked through it. Mind you, with passwords for Netflix and the WiFi available to her I don't know what approach she would take if we had to do it now.

I think that the OP has glossed over the few comments about not seeing the Grandmother that often and not seen if from DDs perspective. She is effectively a stranger, albeit an important one. But still, not someone for whom a personal connection is there to prompt wanting to spend time with.

I have 2 teens, plus teach teens.

I think you have to allow them to win, when it doesn't matter but lay down the law, where it does.

Mine spend all day in their rooms but we have fixed, non-negotiable meal times. Some outings are optional, others are compulsory. DS hates the outside so walks are optional. But, if granny wants to go out for a wander round the shops, he goes too. DD is happy to go for a walk. If we go out for lunch, they both come. Each has to do something with granny, or find time for her, even if it is just making and sharing a pot of tea.

They need to build their own bonds and their own likes and dislikes. But, there need to be red lines too or they would never leave their rooms.

Give her notice of what she MUST do. What she should do. What she might want to do. Plus things she can miss. Let her have a bit of a say. Honestly, it helps.

She's not a stranger to them, until a couple of years ago we spent four weeks every summer at my mum's house

And even if she doesn't have much of a connection with her now, so what? She can still make the effort because it's the right thing to do! It's only until Wednesday, the rest of the holiday she can do what she likes!

Missing the point here but what's wrong with using Netflix when unwell?

The point is she said she was too ill to even open her eyes, clearly a lie.

I agree with you OP, it wouldn't hurt your dd to be kind to her grandmother twice a year for a very short period of time.

With my teens it's all about compromise "if you just help me with x (being kind and spending time with grandmother for a couple of hours over a couple of days) then you can do y and z (whatever is important to her but needs input from you - you to take her where she's arranged to go, pay for her to do something or whatever ).

It's hard some time with teenagers, but I feel sorry for your mum in this. If you are close to your mum I'd laugh it off with a "god was I so difficult at 13 too?"

Simple solution, if you go out today, take the WiFi box with you.

If your dd is ill then she won't mind.

Go into her room when she wakes, quietly explain your plans for the day. Tell dd which ones she has to be involved in. Then tell her about the WiFi. Then leave her to make her own decisions.

I see. YANBU in being upset. Maybe tell her now she's had a "rest day" it would be nice to spend some time together and ask her if there's any activity she'd like to do as a family. I know it's easier said than done with teens but put your foot down and insist she eats at the table with everyone. Teenage girls are hard work, good luck!

I don't think your dd was being 'deceitful' per se, and I would focus on what actually happens in regard to her spending time with Grandma rather than was she/ wasn't she ill.

So, if your dd has completely avoided her until now, you need to put the onus on her to decide how between now and Wed she's going to spend at least a short time with her.

What has she been doing about meals if she hasn't been coming down?

Turn wifi off and confiscate devices