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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I respond to this?

91 replies

DorothyL · 17/12/2016 23:43

My mum is currently visiting from abroad, we last saw her in August and won't see her again till April. She arrived yesterday.

Dd (13) started complaining this morning that she didn't want to come out with us, why couldn't she be left alone on the first day of the holidays.

I said because of her grandmother, but she was adamant. I left her to it while we were having breakfast but then went up to see her. She was now saying she was feeling ill. We decided to go out without her. I phoned her once and she gave a very convincing impression of feeling ill, said her head hurt so much she couldn't move etc
Came home she seemed ok. Tonight she refused again to come downstairs said she was too unwell but when I went to see her she looked totally fine.
I am convinced she made it up and feel I have "proof" in that she spent the whole time we were out on Netflix (I checked)

If we didn't have my mum here I woulf happily have left her to it but this I feel is just rude and inconsiderate and manipulative.

Wwyd? I am fuming, and am also sad - I just don't know what makes dd tick anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:23

I tried that yesterday morning though and that's what led to her putting on an act to then have the moral high ground - she accused me of not caring how she was feeling!
At the moment I'm not sure she has a better nature, she's pretty vile Sad

OP posts:
ErnesttheBavarian · 18/12/2016 07:24

I am now the proud "owner" of 3 teenage boys Hmm. I also live in a different country to my mum and only see her 1 or 2 times per year.

In this case, I would def. have said dd could stay home and let her have some time to herself. The plus, for your mum, is that she gets time alone with you surely?

Your mum must understand that kids, especially at the start of the holidays, and at that age, want some time to themselves.

I would negotiate with your dd - ok tomorrow, xx activities are planned, and we are eating lunch/dinner out/at home - which are you coming along to.

If your dm lives abroad, maybe your dd doesn't feel so close to her and feels awkward/ like it's a huge effort. If you 'give' (ok you can stay home for that) on some things, you can be firm on others (you must come to dinner) and she is more likely to cooperate hopefully with good grace, because you've talked and listened.

She has been deceitful because she felt boxed into a corner. She said the didn't want to come, you insisted to she gave a load of bs. then she got her way and either enjoyed the lazy solitude so much, or didn't know how to end it, so carried on. Time to let her have her space.

heebiejeebie · 18/12/2016 07:24

She told you what she wanted/needed. It's pretty common to feel exhausted at the end of term.

You bulldozed, she stuck her heels in and exaggerated/lied.

I would focus on making the rest of the visit work for everyone rather than punishing her for telling you that she felt shit.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:25

She didn't feel up to it but felt she had to fake illness. Needing a rest day but having to lie as she mightn't get it otherwise

It allows you to have a day alone with your mum which is special. Then look at activities that everyone will enjoy for the rest of the week.

I'd put my foot down meal wise. Turn the wifi off for the night if she's not playing ball.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 18/12/2016 07:27

I wouldn't bother raising the Netflix deceit at the moment. Give her that one. Raise it when the grandmother has gone. And the next time she is ill (real or not) then ensure she can't access any films "Darling, you're just too ill".

For this time, why not just take away her phone / iPad etc and say you want her to focus on a really quick recovery because grandma is so keen to see her.

Play her at her own game. Tell her if she's feeling unwell she could perhaps just have toast at the table. She could let you know if she's feeling well enough for Tell her that she is expected at the table dressed and pleasant and that there will be no further reminders.

VintagePerfumista · 18/12/2016 07:32

She doesn't come down to dinner- she doesn't get fed.

Internet gets switched off at a sensible time.

Those are normal things to do, even when a teen isn't stropping.

I'd haul her over the coals for the lying tbh. It's nasty. I wouldn't make her go out with you though, but I wouldn't let her sit in her room.

I own a 13 yr old and teach 150 of them. They are alternately wonderful and bloody appalling. Dd tends to sit with earphones in doing whatever it is young people do with themselves inside earphones and mobile phones. My Mum (also in a different country) doesn't really notice that dd is physically but not mentally in the room!

Rhubardandcustard · 18/12/2016 07:33

As others have said pick your battles.
I wouldn't have pushed her wanting to stay home, a day to herself.
Dinner together is different though, simply explain while grandma there you expect her with you at the table for either lunch or dinner, she can choose which?
Just enjoy your time with your mum, focus on her and not dd, she might come around if she thinks you both are having fun good times out without her!

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:34

Cauliflower I like your suggestions.

What I was trying to get her to see yesterday morning was that maybe she didn't feel up to it but it's not just about her.

OP posts:
NumbNelly · 18/12/2016 07:35

She couldn't have been sick because she was watching netflix? Hmm

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:37

No but she said her headache was so bad she couldn't even sit up and that was obviously not true.

Also she said she had taken paracetamol for it but she hadn't.

OP posts:
NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:39

Yes don't go on about yesterday. Fresh day, fresh start. But tell her Wifi will be on if she doesn't partake.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:42

Let it go. Pointless harping on about it.

If she had just said she needed a quiet restful day, would you have let her have it? Probably not which is why she lied.

The lesson for you is to try and read her needs more. Of course she needed a rest day after a busy term.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/12/2016 07:45

I believe in not picking battles you can't win.

Teens like children are still learning and they need to work out for themselves how to make good and right choices.

I save punishment for deliberate misdemeanour and consequences for the behaviour that is just not ideal.

So in this case I'd go with the tact if she doesn't come down for meals she doesn't eat. So I'd simply tell her dinner is at X time.

I'd also remind all monies and taxi services between now and Boxing Day if she suddenly recovers her illness and wants to go out with friends. I wouldn't stop her going but I wouldn't facilitate it - a simple "if you want me to provide towards your social life you need to return that when asked"

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:46

Why though? Why when she only sees her grandmother once or twice a year? I would have happily let her have the rest day if my mum wasn't here, but why am I just supposed to say yes sure have a rest day, even if it makes your grandmother sad?

I said to her yesterday I wouldn't make her go but I wouldn't be happy about it and that's when she changed tack in order to make herself look good.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 18/12/2016 07:47

How well does your daughter know granny? If she lives abroad they are nearly strangers and whilst she has to be courteous, she doesn't want to make awkward conversation with an old lady. It is encumbent on granny to make he effort to know her grandchild.
I would only serve food at mealtimes and expect good behaviour but not to suddenly go on days out. My kids are older and can now see they are being kind to an old lady but contact remains minimal as there was no relationship building from an early age.
You say you would normally allow duvet days so suddenly because someone you want to impress with your beautiful, devoted, bright and attentive daughter arrives and all rules change? You aren't being fair to he child.

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:50

It's not like it's some random person I want to impress, this is a close family member!
And it's not about impressing anyway, it's about being considerate and kind. And my mum is not some doddery old lady but a very sprightly 70something who takes an interest in all aspects of life.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 18/12/2016 07:50

Don't say a thing about Netflix..... but also change the password without mentioning it, and the one to the wifi.

When she complains, tell her she can have the password after she has been civil and sociable for X anount of time.

My DB does this with his 3 DC - 16, 11, 7 - and it's incredibly effective!

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:53

I can see where the problem is. You give no leeway or allowances so end up going head to head with your DD. It's your way or the highway clearly.

Why does your mums emotional needs trump your DDs physical/mental needs?

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:55

You could have prewarned your mother that DDs first day of the holidays would be a rest day.

Surely you and your mum can have some special alone time together for one day.

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 07:56

Falafel my dd would love you, she's very keen on pointing out what a shit mother I am.

Just to repeat: I was NOT going to force her to go. I said she could do what she wanted but that I wasn't happy if she stayed at home. She THEN changed tack in order to make herself look good.

OP posts:
Nemesia · 18/12/2016 07:56

You weren't listening to your dd's needs and so she had to make up a tale. She obviously felt the need for a rest day. If you had listened to her and respected her then a compromise would probably have been achieved and there would have been no need for your DD to be decietful.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:57

Are you like this with lots of things OP? Immovable so that everyone works round you.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:58

I don't agree with your child being deceitful but empathise with her because clearly her needs weren't being taken on board.

Oblomov16 · 18/12/2016 07:59

Reading with interest. Ds1(12) seems to want to engage with no one ATM. It's not a very nice 'stage', is it?

Original poster
DorothyL · 18/12/2016 08:00

I told her she didn't have to come!!!!!!!!

So how was I ignoring her needs???? But she wanted to not come AND feel that she was in the right!

OP posts:
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