How do I respond to this?

[DorothyL]

My mum is currently visiting from abroad, we last saw her in August and won't see her again till April. She arrived yesterday.

Dd (13) started complaining this morning that she didn't want to come out with us, why couldn't she be left alone on the first day of the holidays.

I said because of her grandmother, but she was adamant. I left her to it while we were having breakfast but then went up to see her. She was now saying she was feeling ill. We decided to go out without her. I phoned her once and she gave a very convincing impression of feeling ill, said her head hurt so much she couldn't move etc
Came home she seemed ok. Tonight she refused again to come downstairs said she was too unwell but when I went to see her she looked totally fine.
I am convinced she made it up and feel I have "proof" in that she spent the whole time we were out on Netflix (I checked)

If we didn't have my mum here I woulf happily have left her to it but this I feel is just rude and inconsiderate and manipulative.

Wwyd? I am fuming, and am also sad - I just don't know what makes dd tick anymore.

So if it was just because it was the first day of the holidays- back to normal today? Does she always get a day in bed on the first day of the holidays?

Hi OP...Aren't teenagers frustrating...
DD is grown up and I had a fairly easy ride but she did try it on once or twice..her eldest brother on the other hand drove me mad

I think I would take her at her word...remove all electronics...remove phone...change passwords....tell her that such a severe headache is obviously not going to just 'go'... so bed...rest...no friends round/going out at all...when she feels up to it to come down at dinner time and you will do her a light meal of scrambled egg (or whatever you want)...tell granny it is such a shame that DD is ill...and when its over retell the boy who called wolf...
Be calm and as matter of fact...they want a reaction at that age...
and store it up to take the piss at the fact you know bloody well what she is doing

You can either let this colour the rest of your mum's stay, or you can move on and have nice days until Wednesdays. Teens are stroppy, selfish and irritating. I suspect you were too.

Yesterday happened, today is a new day. Get everybody up and out.

Best not to stew about it OP. Just make the rest of stay nice

I have completely mishandled it by letting slip that I think she faked it. Now she has already told me twice she hates and wishes I wasn't her mum

Detach from her for a bit. Focus on your mum. Can you go out for the day without daughter?

She doesn't hate you, she is just annoyed she was rumbled and is lashing out with something mean to upset you.

Just crack on spending time with your mum. She knows you're upset with her, now you can enjoy spending time with your mother (and maybe reminisce on your own bratty behaviour as a teenager!).

If she never gets a whole day in bed for the first day of the holidays, I don't see why she expected one yesterday? And if she does, then it is something that could have been compromised on. Pushing her will only cause her to pull.

How did you let it slip? It's sounds like you're negatively dwelling on yesterday instead of enjoying today

Oh dear .

I'd go off and do something with your mum today. Don't let her sense an atmosphere, and it's only going to get worse given you and dd are cross with each other. Some space might be good. Can you give her the day to herself but perhaps give her a chore - i.e. could she make a start on doing something for dinner for your return? She gets the day mostly to herself, but also has to think of other people too. If she manages that, you both might back down a bit.

A connection between two people involves two people. There is a lot of talk about your DDs behaviour but no indication that your DM is making an effort to connect with her GD.

Teens always get the blame.

Maybe you need some reverse pyschology. What would be the one thing your DD would LOVE to do?

I'd go up and tuck her in bed, leave her be and as you swan out mention it's a shame she's too ill to go to "xxxxxx" with you and her nan.
Leave her with no wi fi and Netflix thinking she's missing out. Then go out and do as you please!

hmmm

It's a bit irrelevant if dd was or wasn't ill really. Okay, sounds like she felt a bit bad about not going out yesterday and pulled a sickie, but sometimes that's a polite way of saying 'I know I should go, but I really don't want to.'

Don't talk about the events of yesterday OP, just focus on the next few days.

How many of us adults have never exaggerated or invented some minor ailment to get out of a social event we felt uncomfortable with? Do we feel eaten up with guilt over our deceit? Do we punish ourselves by depriving ourselves of means of comfort or entertainment for a subsequent period of time?

Of course the OPs dd needs to learn to put herself out for other people and make an effort even with things that she doesn't enjoy.

But I think the OP ought to concentrate on building up paths of communication with her dd rather than dwelling on the lame excuse. Does she know why the dd is so adamant she doesn't want to come out with granny? If she is refusing to even come downstairs it might be more than just laziness. Might a non-judgmental conversation make it easier to negotiate a deal?

the bit where you said what will I tell my mum made me laugh a bit

you were 14 once op, your mum has been through willful surly teenage girls before!!

you, on the other hand, have forgotten what its like

So after telling me this morning that she

Hates me (twice)
I don't care or love her
She wishes I wasn't her mum
She hopes she won't be like me when she grows up

We avoided each other for a bit and then agreed to move on

Spent the day together and it was kind of okay...

Sigh!