DD Suspended from Uni

[Velvetlady]

My 17 year old DD has been asked to leave her halls of residence and has been suspended from her course. Last week, she had friends round for a drink and things got out of hand. Neighbours complained to the Police about noise and a window was broken! One of DD's friends invited boys round once DD had gone to bed & one of them stole food belonging to her flatmates! My DD apologized to all involved and replaced the food and paid for the window to be fixed. However, the other day DD got called out of class to speak to the head of her course and the Accommodation Officer. They had a letter from DD's flatmate reporting her for drinking alcohol under age. DD was asked to leave the halls by 5pm and has been suspended from classes until a disciplinary hearing. DD wasn't able to pack her in time and had about half her belongings thrown out by the security guard. I'm so angry at DD! However, I do feel she has been treated harshly for one episode of bad behaviour. Has anyone else had a child go through a disciplinary at uni?

For those of you suggesting that the girl drop out and start again next year - it's really not that simple .

The university and the student have already had funding for this year . If she drops out now, they can't fill her place with someone else. Also many universities and courses will not accept applications from student who have started the course elsewhere and not completed it .

Her best chance is to stay where she is and learn from the experience .

velvet I hope you are feeling a bit less distressed today . I understand what a shock this has all been, but please consider going to see her or having her come home for the weekend if possible . She really needs your support right now .

OP is your DD a student healthcare professional? If so, it doesn't look promising. People have been kicked out for much less!

Oh dear I just read she is doing nursing. As someone who got hauled into a professional suitability meeting for a poor joke in a Facebook chat group, I think your daughter needs to choose a different career as the likelihood of her staying on the course, or getting into another uni following this, is extremely slim.

The flat mate was well within her rights. I'd have been really upset in her shoes. Your dd's behaviour is inexcusable. If she invites people round, she needs to make sure they show consideration to her flat mates. How on earth has she got herself into bother so quickly?
My dh actually got asked to attend a disciplinary for having alcohol in the dorm when he was underage (US university). He got off because at the hearing they had mixed his and his roommates last names up so they could actually prove he was the one seen with the alcohol! However he was wild as a student and scraped through uni. I really wouldn't want your dd to put you through what my ILs went through!

Lots of students interrupt their studies or drop out and start a new course elsewhere/a different course in the same university. In England, if you pay fees they will be reduced so you pay pro-rata per term; if you quit before a certain point in the year (where I have worked, it has been end of October) you might not be charged fees at all. I don't know the exact system in Scotland but there will be provisions for students who are on the wrong course/at the wrong university/have personal issues which mean that they can't continue. This may especially be the case if the student is unwell with mental health difficulties - this is a possibility in the OP's case as her daughter will be seeing the counselling service. She should be disciplined, but the university will also be sympathetic where they need to be, it's not a last chance saloon just because she has started on this course. Admissions teams for future courses might not even look at it. The hall contract could be a hurdle but it looks like they are already willing to release her.

Dropping out may affect the student's funding. It will affect the university's funding, but that's built into their plans - any good strategic plan will account for a certain number of drop outs. Withdrawing or suspending studies will not be the end of the world for anyone in this case, it is an option worth considering and discussing with both the academic and pastoral staff at the uni.

She cocked up and in an entirely ordinary way. She is young and away from home for the first time - unis are full of kids cocking up much worse and for much longer.

Home is the place that takes you back when you need a hand. Your dd is in danger of learning that your love is conditional and that one cock up will define her future. That's not the learning outcome that will help her life in any way.

I offered to take DD out for lunch this weekend but she declined as she has managed to get extra shifts this weekend and will also be working on Monday. She is aware she will need money regardless if she is allowed to stay on the course. I asked DD to come round after work for a cup of tea and a chat but she said she will be too tired. She is doing three long shifts in a row. DD will be staying with her Grand Parents this weekend which is not unusual when working late shifts due to public transport.

So she is talking, but is still not quite ready to face you. Not so bad!

Maybe send her an IOU in an email, to cover bus, train, petrol money home and back again... Hi DD, please redeem when you are ready xx - then leave it with her!

It sounds very much to me like your DD has been an easy target for the people that have stolen a fire extinguisher, food and broken a window at the flat and now your DD is getting the blame and the consequences of this.

It must be very frustrating for her!

Yes she has been silly but she's 17!

She really needs you now and I don't feel that not letting her have a space in your (her) home is the best thing to do. Ask her about her plans, talk about real friend and Ines that take the piss and take advantage. Let her know that you'll always be behind her.

Tell her that you don't like it when she swears at you. Ask her to apologise. But don't tell her she isn't welcome home.

Marble it's not that simple when it's a healthcare course, it's very hard to get on them in the first place and the bar for behaviour is much higher. So a different uni will not be inclined to take on a student who's applying elsewhere as a result of discipline issues. In addition a student experiencing mh problems will also be viewed as a risky choice as its such an emotionally intense profession! It's only half a term in and she's already struggling to cope.

Scary clown NOT being a Scot is weird.

Yes graphista, which is all the more reason why she should consider taking time out rather than carrying on in case she can't get a second chance... It's worth her discussing it is all I am saying, rather than doing everything to stay at whatever cost

feeling like your mum doesn't want you is a horrible feeling. Reach out to her and let her know you still love her.

This, as Groovee says.

I can understand that you must be so angry and disappointed (I would be stottin' that she hadn't told me everything straight away if it was my DD), but she is still young, and this will have made her grow up very quickly.

She may be being arsey because she is being defensive. Whilst I think her flat-mate was in the right, I do feel sorry for your DD.

I'd go and see her oP, whatever she says she wants. She's messed up, but she's unlikely to be enjoying it! I'd go and talk to her, help her decide how best to go on.

Expat is from another continent, IIRC, she's been on here for ages (as have I, but i name change more than she does).

"but if the OP's DD hadn't been in the wrong, she couldn't have been reported."

couldn't agree more

What Groovee and 2kids said.

Hope things get better for you both OP.

I'm a uni lecturer - this happens all the time and wouldn't trigger any sort of disciplinary procedure whatsoever

Well, I don't know. If these things happened in one of my classes, and it was the same student each time, I'd be having a word with her. And a phone ringing - I tend to stop my lecture or seminar until the student turns it off. If it happens a 2nd time. I ask them to leave.

At my place, if a student is convicted of an offence ie via police, we are actually duty bound to consider their suspension or sending them down. We have a duty of care to all students.

Your DD has been very immature. I'd be really pissed off - at whatever age - if someone I lived with brought rowdy people home, they ate my food, made noise & messed things up, and the person who invited them just went to bed, leaving them to it. I'd report it to the Halls Warden, though, probably not the police. But if they were so rowdy, drunk & misbehaving as to break a window, I'd be utterly effing furious.

I think a gap year is called for. She may have achieved university entry at 17, but she isn't ready for it.

(If I ruled the world all students would be required to take a gap year between school & university.)

Tinklylittlelaugh, re the thread derail, yes, Scottish 17 year olds can and do get places in English universities. DS was 16 when applied to Oxford, turned 17 a few days before he was interviewed, and was 17 all through his first term at uni. Actually, for 2 years he was the youngest student in his (fairly small) collage (most being 19/20 in first year. He graduated with a first at the age of 20!

Velvet least she is talking sort of hopefully she will be ready to face you soon.

Esp considering u say you've never had trouble with her before I think ur attitude to her is awful. Yes she was stupid but did u even like her before this? I can't see how u got to such a cold attitude to her over just this.

Evening all
Bit of peace and love please

Ridiculous thing to say saoirse

English in Scotland here scaryclown

You think you are something.

Laughing into my Earl Grey darling..

Did someone call for me...?

My DD had her disciplinary meeting on Friday and is allowed to stay on her course. I did try and persuade DD to take a year out and start again next year but she is determined to carry on. Her personal tutor and head of the course will be keeping a very close eye on her and she has to meet with her personal tutor on a weekly basis. The Student's Union have told DD to keep a very low profile and avoid going on nights out in the same town as the uni as if she is seen to be drunk even when she is 18, she could be reported and will not get another chance. DD has managed to find a flat share with a woman in her late 20's in a village near the uni. DD and flat mate seemed to really get on well when DD moved in today. DD's personality has completely changed since the incident. She is very withdrawn and doesn't want to go out with her friends back home. DD seems to have learned her lesson and has had a real fright. I just hope she now works hard to catch up and get on with the rest of her course.

Well done her for sticking it out. Hopefully after a few weeks she'll get stuck in to placements and the reality of nursing will take over the student world.