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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD Suspended from Uni

328 replies

Velvetlady · 25/10/2016 15:30

My 17 year old DD has been asked to leave her halls of residence and has been suspended from her course. Last week, she had friends round for a drink and things got out of hand. Neighbours complained to the Police about noise and a window was broken! One of DD's friends invited boys round once DD had gone to bed & one of them stole food belonging to her flatmates! My DD apologized to all involved and replaced the food and paid for the window to be fixed. However, the other day DD got called out of class to speak to the head of her course and the Accommodation Officer. They had a letter from DD's flatmate reporting her for drinking alcohol under age. DD was asked to leave the halls by 5pm and has been suspended from classes until a disciplinary hearing. DD wasn't able to pack her in time and had about half her belongings thrown out by the security guard. I'm so angry at DD! However, I do feel she has been treated harshly for one episode of bad behaviour. Has anyone else had a child go through a disciplinary at uni?

OP posts:
AmeliaJack · 26/10/2016 23:04

£350 eek.

She would have been better to tell you. I bet she's been lying awake at night worrying about it all.

Hopefully she's fully come clean now and can feel better and start again a bit more sensibly.

Original poster
Velvetlady · 26/10/2016 23:04

She is about 4 hours away by train. I've asked her to stay away so she can think about what she has done. I don't want her in my house alone as I can't trust her anymore.

OP posts:
CotswoldStrife · 26/10/2016 23:05

Oh dear - I did say right back on page 1 that I thought it would be something to do with the halls for them to evict her. That's a lot of fines to rack up in a short space of time. Where is she living at the moment?

Original poster
Velvetlady · 26/10/2016 23:07

She's staying with a friend from uni. I didn't ask her to leave but we were constantly arguing so she chose to go and stay with her friend.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 26/10/2016 23:07

"I don't want her in my house alone as I can't trust her anymore."

Are you absolutely sure that's the right approach? She is only 17.........

GruochMacAlpin · 26/10/2016 23:08

There are some really good cooking for idiots type cookbooks that really cover the basics.

My sister had "Cooking for Blokes" as it was fun and basic.

Original poster
Velvetlady · 26/10/2016 23:11

She got £100 fine each for the broken window and fire extinguisher. £50 each time for when the smoke alarms went off when she burnt a toastie and set the microwave on fire and then £50 to replace the microwave.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 26/10/2016 23:14

velvet I'm so sorry, for you and your DD. It does sound like a series of silly mistakes ( toaster and microwave ) plus the party debacle have all been conflated to seem like A Big Deal . Poor kids must be so upset :-(

I really hope she is able to get though this and stay on her course .

BTW about the toaster - kitchens in halls should have heat alarms, not smoke alarms . Otherwise they would always be going off with students burning things under the grill and in the toaster. I wonder if they have fitted in wrong type of alarm by mistake ? Just a thought

Kr1stina · 26/10/2016 23:19

velvet I should add that your DD has made some daft mistakes and some serious errors of judgement over the party. But she's not done anything malicious, she's not set out to hurt anyone .

I know you are disappointed wth her but she facing a very frightening situation now and she really needs your support .

scaryclown · 27/10/2016 01:01

My god, the poor girl has been totally hammered for teeny tiny normal things.and struggled hard to cope, and pay, and the thanks is eviction.

I am definitely hearing the word 'scapegoat' here so close to the start of term, and its dreadful. So sorry to hear this.

I would suggest contacting the student paper. This is a miserable way to be welcomed to a uni. people are entitled to be daft especially when they are making sunch big steps in do mamy directions.

i hope she bpunces back, it must frel quite isolating. has she friends outside the flat group yet? she shpuld lean on them...best of luck

GruochMacAlpin · 27/10/2016 01:15

Scary really? A sad face article in the student paper so her mistakes are public And googleable??

For the rest of her life?

ShockShockShock

scaryclown · 27/10/2016 02:15

no. Talk to paper about whether there's an article about similar 'welcomes', or write one. Anonymity is possible.

And stop being so afraid of 'the man' thats how they get away with rinsing their customers...

GruochMacAlpin · 27/10/2016 02:41

I'm not afraid of "the man" Scary but I don't think there's anything to be gained from complaining to the uni press regarding legitimate fines for damage the girl admits to.

It's unlikely to help her get back into her course.

GnomeDePlume · 27/10/2016 02:54

My DD had her first year made miserable by a couple of people in her flat who decided that theirs was to be the 'party flat'. Each incident was minor but added up to a deeply unpleasant atmosphere whereby DD felt unable to use the communal facilities of the flat when the party people were there.

It is no fun trying to study or prepare for morning labs when others are partying outside your room until the small hours.

Pluto30 · 27/10/2016 02:56

It takes a lot to get suspended from uni, so I'd also suspect there's more that's happened than the OP's aware of.

To be honest, OP, your daughter doesn't sound mature enough to be at uni. I'd suggest she takes a year off and reevaluates then whether she's ready to go back. It appears she has poor conflict resolution skills, and is likely minimising her involvement and isn't willing to take responsibility for her shortcomings. That's really something she should have down by the time she goes to uni.

ohdearme1958 · 27/10/2016 02:59

Velvet, she needs you right now and not wanting her at home is awful.

purplefox · 27/10/2016 03:22

She is about 4 hours away by train. I've asked her to stay away so she can think about what she has done. I don't want her in my house alone as I can't trust her anymore.

She's 17, she's still a child, what an horrendous attitude to have towards your child when she needs you.

scaryclown · 27/10/2016 04:05

£50 fines for burning toast is mental. Just because a fine is 'legal' doesn't make it 'legitimate'.

I can see a national headline soon, after a bit of freedon on informatuoning snd research

'Unis FINE Students up to £100 for burning toast.

Britain's top unis are so expensive, sone have started fining students for acts like burning toast, putting metal in a microwave, or being too noisy in freshers week...x whose text book allowance is £60 a term has been fined over £300 in the first weeks of term....etc etc..

'Wealthier students can afford this, but my parents work on minimum wage so it really is another way the rich are helped to study, when poorer students are fined more than they xan afford'...et c

FrancisCrawford · 27/10/2016 05:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 06:26

£50 fines for burning toast is mental. Just because a fine is 'legal' doesn't make it 'legitimate'.

So then scary Who do you hinkley Sholden pay for the repairs, the fire brigade etc?

Are you being deliberately obtuse.

oh and you still haven't answered the question

OP I'm glad she has started to admit it. Unfortunately I think there may still be some info to come.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 06:27

*think should.

graphista · 27/10/2016 07:13

Scary you sound incredibly immature, irresponsible and lacking empathy which is really worrying for someone who has implied they work for the NHS as an HCP!! Your attitude to English folk living in Scotland (or worse does that apply to all non Scots?) Is bloody embarrassing frankly! And I'm speaking as a Scot! How on earth do you treat non-scot patients? You already consider them less important than backing up your 'mates'!

I wouldn't actually be surprised if there's more to come. Although velvet I'm sorry but not having her come home is in my opinion a mistake. For starters you hate the sin not the sinner, she's still very young and needs your support. Also why would you expect someone else to do your job of both supporting and setting her straight?

It doesn't sound like she's ready for uni/being away from home, particularly as nursing involves taking responsibility for others, when clearly she can barely take responsibility for herself.

The flatmate did nothing wrong by reporting, she has a right to feel safe in her home and it shows actually the flatmate IS mature and responsible. It must have been fairly out of control for police to have been called. The flatmate (if also a nursing student) had her OWN career to consider too.

I was at uni myself not too long ago as a mature student and the younger ones rightly take it very seriously now, they still have fun but not to the detriment of others generally and those that do are not viewed positively. There's too much at stake these days.

MrsJayy · 27/10/2016 07:36

velvet like others have said she is 17 maybe a few days till you calm down but i think I would invite her home for a long weekend just to show her she is not banned altogether. I think she knows what she has done,

OurBlanche · 27/10/2016 08:16

Fire alarms, fire extinguishers, setting a microwave alight... OK. Yes, Velvet your DD is a fire risk of extraordinary talents! I can see why they had no choice but to remove her from Halls.

In her defence (sort of) very many students have no idea about metal in microwaves and many Unis replace many/most microwaves in term 1 as each Hall's Microwave Virgin puts a tin of beans / take away carton / Fray Bentos pie in to warm up.

They also check kettles... somehow the 'boil pasta / boil in the bag food in the kettle' gets taken literally and food goes into the kettle...

I hope you can get a handle on your disappointment. I understand that you are angry with her behaviors, stupidities and then her not having been wholly honest with you, but you do need to forgive her, she is only 17 and, despite being The Flatmate From Hell, she seems to have other friends who are happy to put her up. So all is not lost, she has a friends, support and the opportunity to make it all good with the University.

Good luck, to both of you!

NerrSnerr · 27/10/2016 08:44

Ourblanche your post reminds me of my husband, when he was in halls he used to heat up tinned sausages in the kettle (by heating them when in the tin!!). How he didn't burn himself I don't know. He did grow out of it and doesn't do any dangerous shit now.