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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD Suspended from Uni

328 replies

Velvetlady · 25/10/2016 15:30

My 17 year old DD has been asked to leave her halls of residence and has been suspended from her course. Last week, she had friends round for a drink and things got out of hand. Neighbours complained to the Police about noise and a window was broken! One of DD's friends invited boys round once DD had gone to bed & one of them stole food belonging to her flatmates! My DD apologized to all involved and replaced the food and paid for the window to be fixed. However, the other day DD got called out of class to speak to the head of her course and the Accommodation Officer. They had a letter from DD's flatmate reporting her for drinking alcohol under age. DD was asked to leave the halls by 5pm and has been suspended from classes until a disciplinary hearing. DD wasn't able to pack her in time and had about half her belongings thrown out by the security guard. I'm so angry at DD! However, I do feel she has been treated harshly for one episode of bad behaviour. Has anyone else had a child go through a disciplinary at uni?

OP posts:
Original poster
Velvetlady · 27/10/2016 09:04

DD needs to learn she has done something very wrong and by not letting her move back home, I am making her take responsibility for her actions and her future. I wouldn't let her behave like this at home so it's not acceptable anywhere else.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 27/10/2016 09:08

I think she knows what she has done. but i dont think letting her home is pandering to her or bailing her out see how it goes and how you feel you are understandably angry and dissapointed in her. They don't learn to adult on their own though.

OurBlanche · 27/10/2016 09:09

NerrSnerr at least he was considerate enough to others to leave them in the tin Smile

My personal favourite was the very Heath Robinson contraption that diverted the fat from a George Foreman grill straight into the sink!!!

When that was disposed of it was remade, heading for the kitchen bin... or the floor! So that to was dismantled.

The student finally cottoned on. He didn't want to clean the fat trap but sinks and bins aren't the right place for fat. So he piped it into an empty tin can... and got really good at replacing the can before it overflowed.

He had a nice sideline going, making his 'adaptors' for other equally lazy students.

pictish · 27/10/2016 09:11

Agree with Blanche entirely.

Yes, she has a catalogue of misdemeanors but none of them are earth shattering in themselves. She has fucked up...but she can put it right by learning from the experience and moving on with a bit more savvy.

Original poster
Velvetlady · 27/10/2016 09:17

She also swore at me during an argument the other day. I wouldn't accept this if she was at living at home and won't be accepting it now. She needs punished for her actions and needs to understand how her actions influence others! I've never felt this much anger towards her before!

OP posts:
graphista · 27/10/2016 09:20

So why are you inflicting her on others by refusing to have her at home? She didn't get this way by magic! Something led her to think this was, not acceptable behaviour, but clearly she doesnt think she was being 'that bad'. She's not even 18 yet she's still your responsibility.

Coconutty · 27/10/2016 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Velvetlady · 27/10/2016 09:33

Yes DD has hardly given me any bother before this. I think that's why I am so surprized at her behavior.

OP posts:
Coconutty · 27/10/2016 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohdearme1958 · 27/10/2016 10:08

OP it almost sounds as if your daughter has been such a good kid/trouble free child up to now that your embarrassed she's not perfect anymore.

Someone up thread said hate the sin and not the sinner. Please don't lose your daughter for even the briefest of time over this.

OurBlanche · 27/10/2016 10:09

Ah! That might also explain why you have made such a harsh decision. She's been so 'easy' neither of you have had enough practice being angry, upset, disappointed and working on it.

Leave her for a day or so and then make first contact. Apologise for overreacting but stay firm, she was in the wrong and you are as disappointed that she didn't tell you the whole truth as you are flummoxed by her apparent inability to live independently without burning down the house!

Kr1stina · 27/10/2016 10:13

scaryclown -a bit late I know, but I see you are new to Mumsnet, so can I give you a few tips?

  1. Making anti English racist comments on a board full of English people will NOT make you popular
  1. Implying that you are Scottish when ( a) you're not and (b) you are racist and offensive - will piss off all the Scots as well
  1. You actually made me LOL suggesting that expat is English . I can't think of anyone LESS English that her Grin .
OhNoNotMyBaby · 27/10/2016 10:15

You seem very cold and distant towards your DD, OP. She is 17. Have you considered that she has been so reluctant to talk to you because you don't appear to love her? And not letting her home... Sad.

soupplate · 27/10/2016 10:24

I can probably guess which University this is - DH works there (Velvetlady - he works in financial area so will not know specifics of this instance), and has to deal with financial implications of student damage to halls. It takes A LOT for a student to be chucked out of halls, especially in their first year.

Scottish universities are under a great deal of financial pressure at the moment, funded university places appear unsustainable in the long term. The university has made a huge investment in student accommodation over the last few years.

I know going to university is a big lesson in growing up, but it does sound as if Velvetlady's DD is perhaps not quite mature enough for such a step and a year out to get a bit more life experience and learn a bit of personal responsibility might not be a bad thing.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 10:28

You seem very cold and distant towards your DD, OP. She is 17. Have you considered that she has been so reluctant to talk to you because you don't appear to love her?

I completely disagree.

I think OP is very annoyed at her DD as most would be.

I don't agree with not letting her home, but I can understand why OP is saying that.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 27/10/2016 10:28

Have read some of this, sounds like your dd needs your support. University union would be a good place to start, they usually have a support/ welfare service ( or they did when I was there) they will be familiar with the disciplinary procedure etc. Had your dd signed up to the rcn or unison as they may also be able to help?
To quote a wise nurse, "nursing the only profession that eats it own young".
She's 17 has made a mistake, needs to learn from it but with support. Good luck

soupplate · 27/10/2016 10:28

Sorry - also means she will be in a different cohort, which will probably be a good thing - clean slate and all that. She could spend a year volunteering in a hospital or working in a care home of some such, getting a bit of experience in the caring professions.

OurBlanche · 27/10/2016 10:32

Sweetpotato OPs DD has/had a meeting with SU and support, it seems that, despite appearances, she has had official support.

bibliomania · 27/10/2016 10:44

Ah poor kid. She was silly, not malicious. She took responsibility, apologised, paid her fines, even sold her laptop to do so. Those are all positives. When you've got over your anger, it's important to reassure that she hasn't ruined her life. She can come back to her course and be all the more mature and ready to succeed. It's been a tough lesson.

sashh · 27/10/2016 10:49

Students break the law all the time - not paying for a TV licence, drug taking etc but they turn a blind eye then, don't they?

Nope. In fact TV licencing 'target' halls because there are so many people without a licence. A friend in uni had the TV licence people come round and they denied who they were, the TV licence people then came back with the warden and a photo of each student. They were given a short amount of time to buy licences.

She arrived late for a lecture with her friend and wasn't allowed in and got asked to leave a class as her phone went off. Both things happend with the same lecturer.

I think there is more to this. A phone going off and someone apologising switching it off happens. The only time I've really had a problem was with someone answering their phone.

Stopyourhavering · 27/10/2016 11:09

Here's a link to the NMC code of conduct which all nurses ( including student nurses have to adhere to)
www.nmc.org.uk/standards/code/read-the-code-online/
Look at section 20 regarding promoting professionalism and trust.....some extremely valid points given this situation

scaryclown · 27/10/2016 11:38

Well she's just had quite a nasty start to her year, discovered the horrible truth that some people will act against you just because they can (her flatmate, as part of acknowledged 'tit fir tat..ie vexatious use of complaint systems..knew she would be evicted and still stuck the boot in...and now her parents are rehljecting her as well.

everywhere she tries to get support or warmth is turnong their back on her. No wonder she feels ynlived, isolated and angry.

i am surprised ypy are surprised that she is acting as if shes hurt..she is!

be rueful but nice and be encouraging...what could ypu lose by being this way?

being nasty/taking out your anger on her will just widen the gap..if thats what you want..and it might be..do that...

Groovee · 27/10/2016 11:52

I can understand your feelings. Especially if you have had little trouble with her before.

But please make her aware you are there for her. She's learning very quickly that actions have consequences. Being 4 hours away may feel like a million miles away and feeling like your mum doesn't want you is a horrible feeling. Reach out to her and let her know you still love her.

It's likely she's mortified. I made mistakes in my first year of college as I was only 17 too with a December Birthday. The following year was a much better year and I learned from my mistakes.

FrancisCrawford · 27/10/2016 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 13:27

You know what scary. These things didn't just happen to OPs DD.

It's called taking responsibility for your own actions!

still no response to the question being repeatedly asked to you though

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