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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

things couldnt get any worst, dd was admitted to hospital today after self harming

203 replies

SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:12

any one who has read my thread regarding my daughter will know that the last few months have been very tough.
lately her outbursts have become more violent, she has assaulted me on 2 ocassions and my 2 younger children are so distressed they scream the house down when dd kicks off, ds(5), stands with his face to the wall, covering his eyes and sobbing uncontrollably
today, when i told her that she couldnt have her boyfriend round, she went beserk, vandalised her room again and slashed her arms open with arazor, her arms are already a mess from the fconstant self harming..i couldnt take anymore and rang the gp who arranged for her to be seen in hospital.
the situation now is, she has been referred to the mental health team and she sees the pschyciatric link nurse tomorrow..however they are notifying social services..im not abad parent, ive done everything in my power to stop all this, im so exhausted with it all, its going to destroy my family
a lot of the reason for my own extremely low feelings are down to all this.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:37

sophable-weve had so many talks in the last couple of years, ive done everything in my power to find out what was wrong, but all she would say was, it was because, she was unhappy..but wouldnt say why, then after everything she has said recently, i assumed it was my fault, the self harming etc only happen when she is told she cant have/do something

OP posts:
Nemo2007 · 01/02/2007 23:38

the sh sounds like it is frustration more than anything.

mummytosteven · 01/02/2007 23:38

she may not fully understand herself why she feels this bad, and you are probably the nearest and safest target for her to try and articulate how she is feeling.

Heathcliffscathy · 01/02/2007 23:39

SC...you have to find a way of letting go of this....it sounds like your dd is in great pain, and it may not be ANYTHING to do with you or your parenting.

that feels really disempowering i know..

but equally, i think you may be taking responsibility where it doesn't belong to you...do you remember how locked up it can feel when you're this age...it doesn't feel safe to tell your mum anything sometimes....

Stiller · 01/02/2007 23:40

SpaceCadet - I'm so sorry to read what you've been going through.

Your DD sounds a lot like my older sister. From my experience (I'm going back to when I was a teenager here) you should let the mental health service do what they think is right. Not saying that you aren't doing that already though.

Heathcliffscathy · 01/02/2007 23:41

Nemo...i don't think that self harming is about frustration alone. it is about self hate and is a way of coping with intolerable pain (SC...it isn't necessarily aout you!).

It is certainly not to be taken lightly nor dismissed as 'normal' teen angst.

Nemo2007 · 01/02/2007 23:47

Sophable never said it was only about frustation if you look further down have posted other stuff..am a self harmer myself.

SherlockLGJ · 01/02/2007 23:48

So sorry you are going through this Spacey, but you should not be doing this on your own.

Get her father involved.

Where is your waste of space H in all of this ??

Original poster
SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:48

nemo-thanks, i just hope the mental health team can get to the bottom of it.
sophable-im probably not the best person to remember teen years as sadly i was living with a violent father and left home at 16 to escape the abuse.

shes still my baby at the end of the day, i still remember the day i gave birth to her, her first day at school, i still want to protect her, but i cant and i feel ive failed because what ever it is thats torturing her so much..i should have known what it was/is

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Heathcliffscathy · 01/02/2007 23:50

nemo sorry! couldn't agree more with your 23.29 post.

Stiller · 01/02/2007 23:51

SH is not to be dismissed as normal teen angst - no certainly not. But from what I've learnt from people who do it/have done it is that it help them to release feelings that they have no other outlet for. I've no history with it myself though.

Original poster
SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:51

sherlock, her "real" father, my first husband could not give a damn, hes always made it very clear that hes not interested, i rang him once to tell him and he said, i cant be doing with attention seeking teens,
h who im seperated from..has at least come round..tbh hes been round a lot loking after the kids as ive been ill lately, he is taking her to hospital tonorrow, which is more than her real dad is doing..he doesnt even know whats gone on

OP posts:
Nemo2007 · 01/02/2007 23:52

spacey you are protecting her, just not in the way you think you should[does that make sense] you really can do nothing more than be there for her which there is no doubt at all that you have been and will be.

Heathcliffscathy · 01/02/2007 23:52

SC...we all fail our children.. they parents that fail them the most are the ones that don't recognise this.

I would suggest (tentatively) that the fact that she is open with you about her self-harming might indicate that she trusts you to see her at her most painfilled.

Original poster
SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:53

thank you nemo

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liquidclocks · 01/02/2007 23:54

SC - there's not much I can say but huge .

What I can do is say - again - that this goes way beyond any normal teen angst and to me it sounds like your daughter is mentally ill. I really hope she gets the help she so desperatly needs. Please know that mental illness can be be managed and it's absolutely no reflection on you AT ALL. It may take a while but I hope you get your daughter back.

I don't know whether it'll help to tell you but I self harmed as a teen and into my 20's (I've said this before on MN so nothing new). I was never as ill as your daughter sounds but my sadness and self harm had no other 'cause' save that I had been put on the pill and became depressed - a 'simple' hormonal imbalance that it took almost a decade to right. All I'm saying is there's hope (I'm OK now) and don't beat yourself up trying to find a reason, there may not be one to find.

liquidclocks · 01/02/2007 23:57

btw, the reason I SH was that it was the only thing that ever made me feel calm. And for me the impulse never went away, I just learned not to follow through.

And of course you still love her, she's your baby, but you have to draw a line somewhere and say that you have to look after yourself and the other children too.

Original poster
SpaceCadet · 01/02/2007 23:59

liquidclocks-i blame myself because i have a long history of depression.
i was first diagnosed with depression at 16, this was put down to the fact that i was being abused by my father.
i didnt understand why it was happening to me so i used to punch mjyself in the tummy and slash my wrists.
i did everything in my power to make sure my own children never experienced what i did..yet, dd has gone down the same road as me

OP posts:
Original poster
SpaceCadet · 02/02/2007 00:03

i must go to bed..i will post tomorrow after the appt with the psych link nurse..thanks everyone for the supportive things youve said.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 02/02/2007 00:04

Good luck SC x

liquidclocks · 02/02/2007 00:06

Just because she has a mental illness that doesn't mean you've failed - ok so it can be brought on by events but not always. We could go round in circles and I'm sure it's been said before but there may be a chemical/hormonal imbalance that's caused her extreme feelings.

As much as we all want to protect our children we can't be there 24/7. I know it doesn't make it any easier to think that but it's true - you've done your best. It's up to her now to take the help that's offered. She may not be ready yet and you will need to prepare for that possibility, and even if she is it doesn't mean she'll take the help next week.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you right now, feel silly even trying. You must have been so strong to get where you are - don't let all this negative self talk drag you down.

Is DD being kept in hospital for just tonight or have they said longer?

liquidclocks · 02/02/2007 00:07

Hope you get some sleep SC.

stoppinattwo · 02/02/2007 05:05

Spacey

we never get the chance to catch up at the moment. Sorry things are shoite atm. Please try and be strong.

Will be about if you need to talk, you know where I am. XX

jabberwocky · 02/02/2007 06:19

Spacey, I have only just seen this. I'm so sorry that things have escalated. I have been thinking of you the last few days and meant to email. You just kept popping into my head. Please try to take care of yourself through all of this. I, too, think that it's really a good thing that she will now get some further evaluation.

Your poor little ds He just doesn't understand and of course who can blame him? Having someone with an emotional disorder who is close to you is so stressful. He just can't process what is happening. Maybe at some point you can have some family counseling sessions or at least some play therapy for him.

Sending strong, positive energy your way.

jabber

WideWebWitch · 02/02/2007 07:05

Oh god, poor you.