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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should you allow teenagers to have sex in their bedrooms?

140 replies

mears · 24/01/2007 00:31

Following on from another thread about when you first had sex, what is your opinion about teenagers sleeping together.

I had a disagreement with a good friend of mine about allowing teenagers to sleep together in my house. I won't allow it.

Her opinion is that it is better to let them have sex safely under her roof than trying to find somewhere. Her 17 year old DS was bringing his 16 year old girlfriend home to stay overnight. Contraception was used.

I will not allow my 17yr old DS to have his 16yr old gilfriend to stay overnight to watch videos in his room!

Isn't part of the fun of having sex when you are a teenager, doing it when you aren't meant to?

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 24/01/2007 00:38

We weren't allowed to sleep in the same room, until he moved in (To be fair though /i did marry the bloke ).

My mum did go with the theory that if I wasn't at home, then she clearly had no idea what was going on, so that was fine! Obv I was just sleeping on the sofa at his place.

I like that method... not officially condoning, but not making it hard and as a consequence dangerous to dp.

Flamesparrow · 24/01/2007 00:38

do not dp

Spidermama · 24/01/2007 00:50

My mum let me have boyfriends to stay. I remember my dad coming to visit one morning and being really shocked to find a boy in bed with me.

If she hadn't I'd probably have spent even less time at home.

I think I'll probably do as my mum did for similar reasons to your friend, but I'll find it pretty uncomfortable.

I think I might set up a spare bed in their rooms, as if they're going to use it, so that I'm not exactly complicit but, well, you know.

My eldest is only eight so I've a few years before I need to give this more serious thought.

Original poster
mears · 24/01/2007 01:12

I just can't bring myself to allow it though.

I wouldn't allow my DD to stay at her boyfriends when she is 16yrs. That shocked me too

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 24/01/2007 07:07

Hmmm, my parents were really twitchy about this sort of thing when I was a kid, and we had big problems. I think I'd like to be more relaxed about it.

But as my eldest is only 5 (although his girlfriend is 8 ), it's rather a long way off.

ipodthereforipoor · 24/01/2007 07:15

MY ex had to sleep on the living room floor when he was 26 and I was 24!
My parents however let my 16yr old brother have his girlfriend more or less move in

like you say in the original post they will do wherever they can - maybe all over your house when you go out!!!!

chenin · 24/01/2007 07:51

Hmmm... I have recently been presented with this dilemma!

My DD1 is 18... she has a bf that she has been going out with for about a year. He lives in our village and she stays round there occasionally. She doesn't see him all the time cos he is up North at Uni.

At the end of November, she asked if he could stay the night here. I dithered but did say yes as long as it wasn't on a regular basis. She does have a double bed in her room (not cos of boyfriends staying... but she does not sleep well and we decorated her room last year).

So far, I am happy with my decision. He has treated it with great respect. They have stayed here maybe three times and he has always gone before anyone is up. I just felt it hypocritical to let her stay at his house but be totally against him staying here. I suppose it is because I like the lad... what will happen if they finish and someone unsuitable comes on the scene, god only knows!

SecondhandRose · 24/01/2007 07:51

Not as a teenager no, make then do it in the car like we all had to do.

chenin · 24/01/2007 07:54

I didn't imagine I would be happy with this when my DDs were younger.... I couldn't imagine it.

But when you are presented with the situation, they are older, more mature, relatively sensible and the boyfriend is nice, you do feel differently. I do like the fact that the teenagers hang round the house a bit, as opposed to buggering off to god knows where.

wurlywurly · 24/01/2007 08:01

my sister got pregnant at 16 (i was only 7 at the time) and i was NEVER allowed to have a bf stay over, But I was allowed to house sit with him and also allowed to go and sleep over at his house. Even tho i went on the pill when we first got together, which my mum knew about, think it was a matter of they knew we was doing it but just dont do it under my roof when i'm here.

I remember a couple of years ago when SIL had her 1st proper bf MIL was going away for the weekend and sil bf was staying over, dh insisted on going over their house at 9am "so they couldnt stay in bed all day"

persephonesnape · 24/01/2007 08:43

not really a problem because my daughter will not be having boyfriends, girlfriends or any sex of any description until she's finished university and got a good degree!

but seriously, i like to think i wouldn't have a problem - as long as i haven't got to hear them at it. it's a difficult question because it opens a can of worms. how about casual encounters? surely it's safer for my dd to bring any unsavoury one night stands to my house, rather than going who-knows-where with who-knows-who... I like to think that i've brought her up nicely and sensibly, but who knows..

moondog · 24/01/2007 08:46

I wouldn't either Mear and agree completely with your last sentence.
And,if I were a teenager,shagging my boyfriend,knowing that the parents in the same house knew we were doing it would make me run a mile.
Yuck!!

Stick to your guns.
Not everyone thinks that it is cool to encourage children to be at it hammer and tongs.

Yuck Yuck Yuck

noddyholder · 24/01/2007 08:49

I would find it a bit cringey but would prefer ds to be at home in a safe place than down some alley somewhere.I have tried to be open with him about sex and erlationships and I would make it clear that if it was a serious girlfriend then she would be welcome but it wouldn't be something I would encourage with random 'friends'.As long as contraception was used and the walls were thick i wouldn't mind

chenin · 24/01/2007 12:45

Moondog.... I don't think its cool to be encouraging teenagers to be at it hammer and tongs, believe me.

Its just v different when they have a steady boyfriend that you like... I've never heard them 'at it' and I'm a very light sleeper. I dont even think they really get up to it if we are here, they would be too embarrassed. Its something that us parents have to tackle at the right time.

Random boyfriends - no, no no!! No way! But a steady relationship with a well brung up girl and boy is very different.

In no time DD1 is off to Uni doing what she wants and when she wants. I'm surprised at myself actually but it seems right for us now. Maybe I will look back and think different! She will not be shipping in any Tom, Dick or Harry to share her bed but I just think you MUST treat them as adults when they get to 18 and beyond.

morningpaper · 24/01/2007 12:53

Mears, what are your reasons for not allowing this?

expatinscotland · 24/01/2007 12:55

As long as they're both over the age of consent, I have no problem w/it.

I found nothing 'fun' about doing it in awkward places, and I also think it's in those instances especially when teens are more likely to blow off using protection.

zippitippitoes · 24/01/2007 12:56

mine all have/do

morningpaper · 24/01/2007 12:56

I agree with expat

I'm not sure of people's reasons for banning it, exactly

brandy7 · 24/01/2007 13:05

ive always told my ds whos 12 at the moment that when the time comes, as long as her parents are in agreement then id rather him be having sex in a warm house than up a cold alley and not bothering with condoms

mind you when the time actually comes i could have a different view. its easy to say i have that opinion now but in 4years it could be different

WeaselMum · 24/01/2007 13:05

this is where being a lesbian teenager is fab - I had lots of "sleepovers" with my girlfriend after we got together (I was 17, she was 16) and had lots of sex...parents none the wiser! Have I worried any of you yet?

Ladymuck · 24/01/2007 13:21

Not whilst I'm responsible for them, though once they're at uni I might lighten up. But not whilst they are at school. It all smacks of getting them to grow up too quickly imo.

Of course they'll become sexually active and want to experiment but actually I think that they will be better lovers later if they have learnt some element of self-control earlier. How dull to totally miss out of that "forbidden" stage. But then I'm assuming that the dcs will go to uni and pursue some sort of career and are therefore unlikely to make a significant/permanent relationship until early to mid 20s.

lilibet · 24/01/2007 13:23

My dd is 18 now and has been staying over at her bf's house for about 6/8 months. They have been together for about 18 months. I wasn't happy at first but eventually gave in. She asked at Christmas if he could stay over at ours. After much thought I told her no, saying that I didn't think that it was a good idea while she had younger brothers (10 and 13).

I would have been very uncomfortable with it and don't see why I should feel so uncomfortable in my own house.

and I really can't stand him!!

kittylette · 24/01/2007 13:27

i was sleeping with my boyfriend in my mums house when i was 16, also at his house

we had been together about a year by this point and were very much in love and it was obvious we would stay together (we still are together)

our families were very understanding, but only because of the situation, if we were seeing different people everyfew weeks this would NOT have been allowed, iykwim

but if my sons have a steady relationship, i will allow their girlfriends to stay over

the way i see it is, they ARE going to do it, id rather it be under my roof than in some park or something.

FluffyMummy123 · 24/01/2007 13:29

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 24/01/2007 13:31

I would allow it, I was allowed (though at PILS we had seperate rooms until we were married pmsl which was SIX YEARS and we were TWENTY NINE and they also bought us a bed for our flat, now where does that come from???)
fgs they are going to have sex, nothing will stop that!