Should you allow teenagers to have sex in their bedrooms?

[mears]

Following on from another thread about when you first had sex, what is your opinion about teenagers sleeping together.

I had a disagreement with a good friend of mine about allowing teenagers to sleep together in my house. I won't allow it.

Her opinion is that it is better to let them have sex safely under her roof than trying to find somewhere. Her 17 year old DS was bringing his 16 year old girlfriend home to stay overnight. Contraception was used.

I will not allow my 17yr old DS to have his 16yr old gilfriend to stay overnight to watch videos in his room!

Isn't part of the fun of having sex when you are a teenager, doing it when you aren't meant to?

DD1 had bf to stay over when she was a month or so short of being 18.

She was not mature enough at 16 or just 17 I felt.

practise your euphemisms before you go.

what is they came out with a really corny euphemism? I'd crack. Awful

Message withdrawn

18 year old girls are pretty mature. My 18 yr old Ds (now 19) is still very childish.

Am away to make the dinner now. Thanks for the opinions. Very interesting thread.

Actually it is true that having a bf/gf staying over means they'll have sex together. My own brother had gfs staying over from when he was 15 or so without ever having sex with them. They literally just slept together. In the end he was about 17 before he did it for the first time. I know that for sure because our walls were very very thin!

I presume you meant 'isn't true' belgianmama.

Maybe I should just trust them more?

Cringe at the thought of listening to one's sibling shagging.

TBH once they are 18 they can do what they like, although no shouts down the stairs 'MUM can you pick up some condoms at Tesco's' they can go to family planning like i did and get the freebies

before that? nope. Your house, your rules, mears. I think the one about a let-out for people who are not quite sure whether they want sex or not is a good one.

although ask me again in 13 years, because when actually faced with the reality of having to go to bed early because ds's friend has got to sleep on the sofabed in the sitting room I might easily say 'oh FGS just lie on top of each other will you'

Even at 18 they can't just do what they like in my house - well not yet, at least not that I know of, or with my permission.

I suppose when one of them gets an actual partner I will have to give in...there is a nice sofabed in our front room, they'll have to use that as it's out of earshot.

I always speak to the parents of sleepover parents (too many times of 'yeah, umm, yeah their parents know about it' from DS1 who turned 18 yesterday) only to speak to parents who thought they were staying somewhere else, etc etc. And that has happened with both friends and girlfriends. Girls have always been seperated from boys and leathal Indiana Jones style booby traps put in between .
I have to say that I feel this subject looming large. I mean - he is 18 now. He hasn't got a girlfriend atm, but it will happen at some point. When I was his age and up until I got engaged my parents made us sleep in seperate rooms, which just tested our knowledge of where the creaky floorboards were.
Oh and WeaselMum - LOL. He does have a gay friend who we let sleep over! WHat does that say?

Mears, My mum let my boyfriend live with us when I was 16 years old. By 17 he was sleeping with me.

I can understand why she did it, and I loved her dearly, I but it was IMO a wrong decisions on so many levels and affected me for years afterwards.

I met BF when I was 15. I was enjoying a nice teenage social life, a few boyfriends but nothing serious. He didn't get on with his father and came from a large family who where living in overcrowded conditions. My mother took him in out of kindness and because she really liked him ( I was an only child).

But, her kindness meant our relationship got more serious that it should and I was trapped. A relationship that should have petered out just kept going.

BF was possessive (so was my mum in her way). I totally - and I mean totally - missed out on all the sixth form parties, friendships, clubs, and group fun etc - I was shy to begin with but my unusual set up at home made me feel so out of kilter with everyone in my class, that I stopped mixing, I couldn't invite people back home or slip off to see them. People got so curious once they found out that I avoided saying anything. I began to not go to school and just scraped through my A levels. Then nearly didn't go to uni, as it meant leaving my BF at home with my mum and I felt I would be usurped. I ended up studying for a degree at our local polytechnic, while living at home with BF and mum. It took till I was 21 to ask BF to go, even though I had fallen out of love with him years ago. I just felt I couldn't deprive my mum and him of each other.

I left for London, and spent years feeling socially out of my depth with men, as I had missed so much when I was a teenager. I also could not settle in a steady relationship and made some unwise decisions over boyfriends.

I met my husband when I was 28, but could not comtemplate having a child with him, even 3 years into marriage and mortgage, because a bit of me was still so afraid to get tied down. He managed to persuade me to try for a baby when I was 34, and I am so thankful he did.

I am not blaming my boyfriend living with me for everything, but it did have an effect on me for years afterwards.

I know you are discussing sleeping together at home, not living together, but I think even that can be dangerous if condoned by the parents. It can make if really difficult for a girl (or boy) to back out of a dead end relationship. Having the excuse that 'my parents won't allow....' can be really useful and it can give you some distance between your BF just when you really need it. It was such a mistake for me to have had a steady relationship from the age of 15 - 21. I will do everything I can to avoid my sons doing this.

A lot of insights in that post tigermoth - I too had a stifling boyfriend in my teens which I don't think did me any good.

My parents were of the seperate rooms until you are married variety, which was quite straightforward and I knew where I stood. DH's parents let us sleep together in his room from when we first decided to which was after about 6 weeks or so. It had a single bed and a sleeping bag on the floor. But we were 22. And the first time we didn't actually have sex because we didn't have any condoms because DH thought it was too presumptuous to have already got some....how sweet is that? I was the first girlfriend he had to sleep over though. And I remember his younger sister (be about 18 or 19) asking to share her room with her boyfriend and being not allowed. But he was a git, so maybe that affected the decision.

Well, mears, my mum was just fine about me sleeping with my lesbian lover in the house when I was a teenager and I have to tell you, it lost none of the fun ;)

I think that as long as you set boundaries about it, it is much safer and more sensible to let your teenagers have sex at home. My rules will be- it can happen, safer sex must be practiced and other than that I don't want to know anything about it.

I agree with you Mears. My Mum & Dad wouldn't have let me share a room with DH (before he was DH) although he did stay sometimes when we both came home to mine for the weekend (I lived away from home since the age of 19). I would never have dreamed of asking if we could share a room as I remembered my Mum being outraged that my aunt allowed my cousin's boyfriend to sleep in her room when they cam home during University holidays (they too are now married!).

We all know what teenagers get up to -we were all that age once- but that's not to say we have to make everything so easy for them. I totally understand tigermoth's reasons for saying 'no'. It is more important to be a parent with some boundaries than to be a friend giving carte blanche to whatever they want to do. Your house, your rules.

my mum always she preferred that if we were going to do it we did it somewhere safe rather than back of car or some alley.so we did!i felt safe and a lot more 'grown up' about sex than some of my friends who just went where ever with who ever.

I think you have to look at how mature your teenager is.

Have they the maturity to decide that however nice their boyfriend is, that particular relationship may not be all that life has to offer?

Making the sleeping-together set up too cosy for a teenager may be doing them a great disservice. I becomes that much harder to break away.

When my own sons are 15 - 18 ish, if they have serious girlfriends, however much I like the girls, I definitly won't condone sleeping together in my home. I will do my best to get on with the girls my sons choose - and am looking forward to it as this is an all male family. However I also see my role as gently reminding my sons that there so many work/study/life choices out there for them at that age, intense teenage relationships often don't last, and it is not wise to pin all their hopes or base their life's ambitions on this one relationship.

I can see how easily I could have been trapped into a boring, loveless relationship, never left my home town, never studied for a degree, never decided for myself what I wanted from life. I would have been so frustrated and depressed.

I am not saying life after I broke up with my boyfriend was fantastically good, but I did 'find myself' much more in my twenties, met so many interesting and nice people and regretted so much much the years I had wasted as a teenager.

No! Utterly disgusting thought. They must do it under a table with head in a bowl of penuts,like we all did.

It depends if you are comfortable with the idea of them doing it on a park bench with some old pervert in the bushes jacking off watching them. Because if they aren't allowed to have sex in the house, that is what will happen!

On a more serious note, I was allowed to bring my bf home from the age of 16, and so we did it respectfully and quietly under the duvet like an old married couple (which in fact we have eventually become). HIS parents on the other hand would not allow me to stay the night, so we used to snatch a quickie while his mother cooked dinner and come down all flushed and sweaty to the table trying to look innocent. I know what I would prefer as a parent - much better if it all goes on while you are safely asleep!

My eldest is 17 and as far as I know, she hasn't done the deed yet.
BUT, if she were to ask me if she could have her boyfriend home to stay overnight I'd agree.
Its far more agreeable to think of her safe under my roof, than god knows where exposed to god knows what.

I don't agree that they would necessarily end up doing it on a prk bench. They would probably do what I did at 17 - have sex at home with no adults in. There is a worls of difference between that and condoning them spending the night together. That is the bit I am uncomfortable with - I think it is being too liberal.

My 2 are 3 and 4m at the mo, so no experience from a parent's perspective. I was allowed bfs to stay over as a teenager as others have said usually for pratical reasons eg; difficult to get home, my parents liked us to bring people home and it meant that we were safer on the way home. They always slept in my room and in my bed ( i had a double bed) i did n't have sex with all of them at all (i had a lot of bfs and lived at home till i was 20) infact i found it easier to say no at home in my own enviroment with mum and dad upstairs than in a spare room at a party/halls of residence/their place. I realy don't think allowing bfs/gfs to spend the night encourages sex which would n't have happened anyway. They always went home after b'fast tho, no way would they have lived with us and to be honest i used to kick them out.

When i went to meet DH's parents for the first time (we had been going out about 6 weeks)his mum offered to make up the spare room (we were 23 and 24) DH said no mum she will sleep in my bed I nearly died !

Due to my experiences, I am very wary of implicitly condoning sex in my home between teenagers.

But I am sure sleeping over will the the most convenient and safest alternative for my ds's friends - boys or girls. I don't want to say no to that.

I have two sons who will each have their own bedroom. So, if it's a girl by herself who wants to sleep over, I will ask my sons to share one rooom while the girl gets the vacant room. OK, there might be some creeping about in the night, but at least I have made my position clear and am not seen to be condoning them sleeping together.

That's what I would do Tigermoth. No probs with anyone staying overnight - just not in same room