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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should you allow teenagers to have sex in their bedrooms?

140 replies

mears · 24/01/2007 00:31

Following on from another thread about when you first had sex, what is your opinion about teenagers sleeping together.

I had a disagreement with a good friend of mine about allowing teenagers to sleep together in my house. I won't allow it.

Her opinion is that it is better to let them have sex safely under her roof than trying to find somewhere. Her 17 year old DS was bringing his 16 year old girlfriend home to stay overnight. Contraception was used.

I will not allow my 17yr old DS to have his 16yr old gilfriend to stay overnight to watch videos in his room!

Isn't part of the fun of having sex when you are a teenager, doing it when you aren't meant to?

OP posts:
oliveoil · 24/01/2007 13:32

with dh, whenever we stayed at his parents house (on a visit, we lived together), I had to stay in the spare room

then when we got engaged, we could share a room

bloody Catholics......

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:33

My dd is 15 so we are not quite into this territory yet.

I will be saying no when the time comes though. I dont think its the parents role to encourage or facilitate their children to have sex. Its up to us to give factual information and set a moral agenda of respect and safety etc , not to know when and where they are doing it. Yuk.

I dont see why doing it at home means they are more likely to use contraception.

kittylette · 24/01/2007 13:34

i dont think the comment 'i dont think theyd do it whilst we were in the house anyway' is true

they would

me and DF did it for the first time on boxing day (MILs birthday) whilst 20+ reletives were downstairs
and we didnt even have a lock on the door i would never do that now though!!

i think when your young and in love (and lust) you dont really think about things like that- or care

Molesworth · 24/01/2007 13:35

I agree with your friend mears, sorry!

I have an almost 16 year old dd and would prefer her to be having safe sex in a safe place than behind bus shelters or God knows where

belgianmama · 24/01/2007 13:36

My parents always allowed my brother's girlfriends to sleep over, out of the same principle: 'they'll do it anyway and we'd rather know about it so we can make sure they do it somewhere safe and with contraception.' In my case it was never an issue as I didn't meet my dh (who was also my 1st bf ever, aren't I sad) until I was 20 and I think by then they were so relieved that I'd finally met someone that they let us do whatever we wanted!
This issue is one that divided my dh and I, but hopefully it's not one that will come up within the next 10y or so. But me personally I would allow bf's or gf's to stay over, as long as they have been in a fairly long relationship. I wouldn't condone 1 night stands in my house!

hannahsaunt · 24/01/2007 13:37

Absolutely not!

Not that I'm against staying over if there is a good reason - my bf from university (now dh) would come to stay but then we came from different countries and in holiday time it was the only way of spending time together. He shared with my brother in my house and I stayed in the spare room at his parents. No problems - didn't bother either of us - but then we're of the no sex before marriage variety ... and it's what we'll be encouraging for the dc too.

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:38

Surely most people wouldnt dream of doing it behind a bus shelter

Just because they are going to do something anyway doesnt mean you should help them. What about if they start smoking or mainlining smack ?

Lilymaid · 24/01/2007 13:38

DS (at university) brought his girlfriend back. He wanted the guest room with the double bed. I told him that they could go in his bedroom (ho, ho it still has a cabin bunk!)
But I remember the days of vacation visits to boyfriends and being put in separate rooms (even when about to marry DH).

kittylette · 24/01/2007 13:39

somehow i dont think sex in a loving stable longterm relationship is on the same level as doing smack

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:40

But how on earth do you know they are using contraception just because they are at home ?

Perfectly possible to get pregnant or catch an infection in the comfort of your own bed

belgianmama · 24/01/2007 13:41

Talking about catholics olive, my dp and his sister's dp had to share rooms, while my dp's sister and me also had to share a room at my dp's parent's a few years ago b4 children. We were all adults then, me in my 20's the others in their 30's AND both my dp and me and his sister and her dp had each been living together in the same house, obviously sharing the same bed, for over a year! But we weren't married so no sharing beds in their house. I really thought that was a little bit over the top...

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:41

If they are teenagers then I doubt they are in loving,stable longterm realtionships. Its just lust and experimentation.

Plibble · 24/01/2007 13:42

My parents used to make my sister's boyfriend sleep in with my brother. Their view was that they didn't want me and my brother to think that the only way to conduct a relationship was to have sex.

When I went to uni, my bf (now dh) came to stay and I told my mother he would be sleeping in the spare room. This was a lie; she knew it and so did I, but the lie made her feel a little better.

My husband, on the other hand, was allowed to sleep with his girlfriend at his parents' house from being 16 or 17.

On balance, I think I would allow it.

kittylette · 24/01/2007 13:43

yes but if theyre at home then you know they are with this person and its a high possibility they will have sex, so you can discuss it, take your daughter to the doctors, plan contraception, buy them condoms, talk to them and explain the dangers of unprotected sex

if from age 13 you say 'no boyfriends over, we dont want you to have sex till your married, not under my roof ... ect' then how likely is it that your kids will come to you and say

'mum ive been with this lad for a few months, we are in love - were thinking of having sex'

the answer - not very likely

theyre more likely to be too embarresed to mention it, and just go ahead in some park, un knowledgable and unprepared

noddyholder · 24/01/2007 13:43

Lust and experimentation is cool and is not like doing smack!

kittylette · 24/01/2007 13:45

lorina, i was 15 - nd it wasnt experementing, were still together

mumfor1standfinaltime · 24/01/2007 13:45

I always shared a room with my sister so it made things awkward!
I used to go to my room in early evening with my bf and yes we would sometimes have sex. I was 16 at the time, bf was 18.

I don't see a big issue with it myself. I think being open and honest about sex is the way to go. I actually approached my mum to talk about contraception before I had sex.

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:48

believe me my kids are not embarrassed to talk about sex ! I certainly dont expect them to wait until they get married etc.

I just dont want to hear them doing it when I'm drinking my cocoa

Plibble lol at your sisters boyfriend tucked up with your brother ,i will bear that in mind if it ever comes up

lilibet · 24/01/2007 13:48

Out of curiosity, those of you who have said yes, read the background information below on dd's bf and tell me if you would still allow it.

They got together in June 05, at this time his ex was 4 months pregnant.

He has never taken her out for a meal.

He has taken her to the pictures three or four times and to the pub about a dozen times. They spend alll their time at his watching dvds, he is a heavy smoker, we are all non smokers, she smells to high heaven when she comes in.

When she has gone out on her own he has accused her of dressing like a slut

He is unreliable, goes to the pub for 'one drink' after work (market stall) and then will be there all night regardless of whether he had planned to see her or not.

New Year's Eve 2005 they ended up in casualty as he 'needed' a fight to make him feel good and so went to a pub where he knew he could get one and eneded up with a dislocated elbow.

It was her 18th in December, he bought her nothing, not even a card - no money to get her anything (see above for drinking and smoking)

He got her nothing for Christmas, he hadn't got 'time'

New Years Eve 2006, his phone 'went dead' and so he couldn't get in touch with her and so she was stuck with no where to go.

He has slept with several other girls during their time together, the latest being for a few months towards the end of last year, who got pregnant and had a miscarriage. For some reason he found the time and money to buy her the bracelet he had promised dd for Christmas.

Everytime he is 'sorry', everytime she takes him back.

This is dd here

Would you really allow him to sleep over?

lilibet · 24/01/2007 13:49

oops - jsut seen the length of that - turned into a rant

sorry mears!!

FluffyMummy123 · 24/01/2007 13:50

Message withdrawn

noddyholder · 24/01/2007 13:51

lilibet there are other issues there it is not a loving two way relationship is it?God He sounds awful and she is truly gorgeous it must break your heart.Of course I wouldn't let him stay over but I wouldn't welcome someone like that in my house full stop

Molesworth · 24/01/2007 13:53

He sounds horrible lilibet

I would be reluctant to let anyone as objectionable as that into my home.

But the original question was more of a general one about principles was it not?

Lorina · 24/01/2007 13:53

Oh lillibet you must be worried sick.

Stick to your guns ,you are doing the right thing

FluffyMummy123 · 24/01/2007 13:55

Message withdrawn

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