On the verge of kicking her out eldest DD16

[Pisssssedofff]

She hits her siblings and really hurts them aged 12 and 6. My son when he was interviewed by the court over custody thing drew my eldest dd in the sad house.
I kind of feel these incidents are happening more frequently with exam pressure. I'm on my own with 4 of them. In a three Bed house. It's pretty much like living in a pressure cooker

[princessmi12]

OP how long you been separated for and who's the baby's father?

[princessmi12]

Rainbow
How do you know if everyone's life is better?
Maybe pps just deal with things in a better way?actually get themselves out of difficult situations instead of creating them?
And I don't agree teenagers are hard to deal with
Show the kids good behaviour model from young age and you'll end up with reasonable teenager/young adult

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

It's so sad that you clearly are at breaking point yet after venting on here in a shocking way that shows you don't have limits in the way that would be expected.... And yet by the end your actions and plans are all about keeping everything exactly the same, and going to great lengths to keep it that way.

You are the only adult in this situation and you are cracking up. You need to act, not 'lie through your teeth' about it.

Mind boggling. Staying the same means everything will stay the same! That means sentencing everyone in this fucked up situation to do today over and over again. The only person who can break out of this torture is you. Not your eldest daughter. Not your 12 yr old. Not your 14 yr old. Not dd1s father. Not your ex. No one else. And yup, unfair, super unfair, but you can do nothing because it's unfair, or you want others to suffer, or you've already decided nothing will help. And do nothing. Condemn everyone to life imprisonment in hell! Or stop raging and channel that energy into getting out!

Basically, you're the key, use it or don't, but don't bar the prison gates and patrol the towers and then whine about being locked in a prison with these horrible ungrateful people.

I know it's hard. But you have to change. For your daughters, the ones you still love and the other one you 'hate' and blame. For yourself.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Btw I'm afraid I'm very skeptical about the younger child having had medical care for her jaw. The OP doesn't want any help or outside intervention. Which medical aid would trigger.

Unless she's got the child to lie about her injury.

[Forevertiredzzzzzz]

I don't agree that bringing a teenager up well results in a reasonable teenager, I'm sure it helps but they are finding themselves at this age and often mess up/make unwise decisions then take it out on those they consider safe. Me and my four siblings were brought up exactly the same two of us went utterly off the rails 2 were model students/children, they do have personalities of their own. DD got in with the 'cool' kids which involved her making many unwise decisions and being very unreasonable !

[Hodooooooooor]

Ex's (s) again this is news, only had the one so please do fill us in

Thats funny OP, you've only the one ex yet you have children with different fathers, and more than one relationship since the ex husband. And now a baby with...someone, who knows?

[princessmi12]

I actually think the injury wasn't that bad
At least not bad enough to seek medical attention but convinient enough to portrait DD1 as a villain

[corythatwas]

princessmi12 Wed 22-Jun-16 22:46:16

"And I don't agree teenagers are hard to deal with
Show the kids good behaviour model from young age and you'll end up with reasonable teenager/young adult"

Isn't that a little unfair? Some teenagers do have MH problems etc which makes it rather difficult for them to behave reasonably. Not saying that is an excuse for giving up on your child, but would hate to think that the default position is that every child with MH issues has had parents who failed to model good behaviour.

Actually, I take that back. Having had plentiful CAHMS involvement over the years, I know that that is the default position. The good news is that every therapist/psychologist we saw over any length of time ended up apologising rather sheepishly about their first assumptions. But that was because we never gave up, never refused to engage with anyone however badly we felt judged, always tried to keep communication open, never stopped asking for help for dd because we were worried about how we would get judged.

[princessmi12]

Well I'm not talking about people with MH issues
I'm talking about average Joe
If you being stable and reasonably behaved parent, most likely your child will grow up the same. If you make mistakes as a parent you trying to correct them. That comes under category of good behaviour model

[Thornrose]

I've shared my experience and offered advice and I now feel the OP isn't real. I'm living this right now albeit differently in that I still love my dd in spite of her aggression and violence. I feel like a twat.

It feels like a massive wind up.

[Greenyogagirl]

thornrose

[Thornrose]

Thanks green but more fool me.

[timelytess]

Thornrose, the thread was reported by a number of people earlier in the day.

[Thornrose]

This thread really resonated me with me. I've been on MN for years. I got sucked in, sorry, not trying to make it about me.

[timelytess]

I tend to see MN as light entertainment nowadays. There was one day recently when I couldn't find a single thread I thought was genuine.

[Forevertiredzzzzzz]

I think I'm fairly well behaved but it is hard when issues outside the home take effect, just because your their mum it's hard to fix issues relating to others such as absent fathers, abusive boyfriends, falling in with a slightly lairy crowd ! I try my best to support DD but sometimes you just have to ride the storm a bit. Some days DD and me are super close but if something/one upsets her outside the house my god I know about it! I to felt judged by camhs, doctors , school till they observed her in every setting then ate their words!

OP I feel so much better for engaging with outside agencies-yes you feel judged at first but if your open, honest and are open to constructive criticism it can really improve things for everyone including yourself. I know my faults as a parent , no parent is perfect, I am a helicopter parents , so desperate to not make her anxious I became ultra anxious hovering around trying to eliminate anything that might make her anxious. This was almost as unhelpful as doing nothing at all and we were feeding off each other's anxieties. I have stepped back a lot but still mess up. As an outsider your DD probably has a very low self esteem, feel rejected and angry. You sound quite depressed yourself and the younger ones will be feeling pretty fed up of being hit and walking on egg shells if you don't reach out where can this go?

[Greenyogagirl]

Thornrose there have been some really helpful and empathetic replies that were ignored if you have a look maybe they'll help you instead

[Thornrose]

I was one of the helpful and empathetic posters. I've managed to get help for dd and I wanted the OP to know how to do it, or at least how I did it. It's a hard road and I don't want anyone to be where I've been.

[StepAwayFromTheThesaurus]

Thorn: the OP may not have taken any heed but there could be lots of people quietly reading who will benefit from the advice you gave and who will use it to help improve their situation.

Reading this thread has reminded me of nothing more than the analysis of estranged parents forums that is often linked to on MN threads, particularly the bit about the forum participants preferring to be validated and agreed with (and their children villified) rather than offered constructive help or encouragement to try to understand their role in a situation the say they want to change. The OP here may well just have been looking for that kind of forum response, rather than what you'd get on MN, which is why the thread has been so frustrating.

[IonaMumsnet]

Evening folks. Thanks for your many reports on this thread. We appreciate your concern.

Under the circumstances, we are afraid we can't respond individually or comment on the thread about next steps - but be assured that we've noted your concerns. Thanks again for taking the time to report.

We should add that we have no reason to suspect that the OP is trolling. OP - we wish you the very best in sorting out this difficult situation and, as other posters have suggested, we would urge you to seek help in RL about this.

[Pisssssedofff]

Listen just because I don't want to do what's suggested doesn't mean I haven't read it and listened and maybe somebody else will find it helpful. I know my children and what will work for them and most importantly I know what works for me.

[minifingerz]

Don't feel a twat Thornrose. I post on threads - genuine or otherwise - because I feel I have something to contribute which is relevant, but I also do it to verbalise and clarify my thoughts and beliefs to myself to. Quite therapeutic!

And you never know. Your comments may be seen by someone for whom they ring a very strong bell.

[P1nkP0ppy]

I know my children and what will work for them and most importantly I know what works for me
If that is the case then why are you posting on here OP?

[Pisssssedofff]

Because I was upset and angry yesterday and now I'm not. I think some people do need to realise that when posters come on Mumsnet they aren't offering yo hand over control of their lives to others just get things off their chests. I find it remarkable that people can get upset over this and be hurt that a complete stranger doesn't want to do what you're suggesting. Seems ludicrous

[LizKeen]

Things aren't working for anyone in your household though.