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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to tell a 16 year old girl she is no longer invited to family meal

137 replies

Cheeseaddicted · 20/06/2016 18:43

My sons, 17, girlfriend, 16, is a really fussy eater, this isn't a problem usually as when cooking dinner for everyone I will just cook some nuggets for her(as that is all she eats).

One of my friends from school and her family are going to be in my town this weekend so we planned to go out for dinner and both my sons girlfriends were invited too but we decided that we would just have dinner at mine instead as we live in a fairly big farm house and we thought it would be a nicer more relaxed evening than going out.

That means now I am cooking for her family of 4 then my family of 5 plus 2 girlfriends so it would be hard for me to cook a separate meal for one person and not to mention quite embarrassing that we are all eating a nice meal and she's sat there with nuggets and chips.

I've told my son that I don't think we can have her stay for dinner but she is welcome to stay until we eat and my partner will give her a lift home half an hour before we plan on eating and he understands and agrees it's probably the best.

But I do not know how to tell her that she can't stay and the reason why. I don't want to upset her but for obvious reasons I just can't cook different meals that night.

OP posts:
MurphysChild · 20/06/2016 19:31

I have a DS who has had more than his fair share of girlfriends. I have had Vegans and I have had one (nearly 2 years) that ate nothing but chicken breast, nuggets or chicken sausages (!). I have also had a few that didn't seem to eat anything. I likes them all immensely but I like the eaters more Grin. Current GF was brought up on a very interesting diet (SE Asian) and as a result will eat anything. She appreciates everything put in front of her, I keep telling him she is a keeper.

In my situation I would invite the GF, absolutely, but I would tell her what was on offer and if she wanted to fill on up chocolate cheesecake after that would be up to her.

Cantusethatname · 20/06/2016 19:34

As thrillhouse says, people with severely restricted diets usually aren't "doing it on purpose". They worry about how little they eat and how odd it looks. They know full well that it limits their social lives and they know that people talk about them. They worry that they will be faced with a plate of food that they just cannot eat (or even cannot look at) It is a social nightmare for them. Christmas dinner, work meals, curries - it really is hard. Some people struggle if the food packaging changes.

Biscuitsneeded · 20/06/2016 19:37

Tell her what the menu is and ask whether she thinks she can eat any of it. If not, emphasise that you'd love her to be there but you haven't got room in the oven to do nuggets etc. Presumably she can eat sandwiches (if very plain ones?) so you can offer that and if she's not comfortable with that she can make arrangements to go home when dinner is served. If you want her there, don't let food be the issue; if you don't, make clear you expect her to eat what's on the menu if she stays. I have been the only veggie at a large gathering before and if bread, cheese, hummus, salad etc were available I was more than happy. Can you find a cold option she will eat?

Mycatsabastard · 20/06/2016 19:37

Basically she likes takeaways and chocolate then?

What are you cooking? I can't imagine it's so unpalatable that she won't even try it.

Fussy eaters annoy me enormously. Dp's oldest lives on crap like this and much as I love the girl, it's a pain when they come over and I'm limited to cooking nuggets, pizza or similar. His youngest won't eat anything that has any veg in it at all and my oldest has recently decided she wants to go vegetarian.

Thank fuck my youngest eats anything and everything put in front of her. The rest of them drive me mad!

Janecc · 20/06/2016 19:38

Uninviting her is rude. You've chosen to change the arrangements. That's not her responsibility.

I wouldn't get take away. That sets a precedent, which you wouldn't want to follow through for the next 20 years if they stay together. I would tell her what you're eating, that this is the only option and let her decide if she will/won't eat it. If she won't, thats not your responsibility and she can decide how she wants to handle it. She's 16 not 6.

LunaLoveg00d · 20/06/2016 19:39

They worry about how little they eat and how odd it looks. They know full well that it limits their social lives and they know that people talk about them.

And trotting off to McDonalds or shoving some nuggets in the oven isn't doing anything to change that. It's encouraging them to carry on with their restricted eating.

1horatio · 20/06/2016 19:39

If you don't have room for nuggets, why can't she just bring her own?

Is there a reason that she eats this way (meal plan, allergies, ethical reasons) or is she just picky? I'm not sure why she can't bring her own.

8DaysAWeek · 20/06/2016 19:40

DH is an extremely fussy eater. His dinner choices are limited to cheese pizza or cheese pasta. He eats sweets, chocolates, ice lollies etc but no meat/fish/fruit/veg. It's frustrating but I've accepted it though will never forgive/understand MIL for making him this way.

When we were going out my family would never have dreamed of not inviting him just because of his eating habits, as it's so easy to pop a frozen cheese pizza in the fridge. If family/friends invited us out to a restaurant and there was nothing on the menu he will eat he simply wouldn't come.

I say invite her and either DS, you or even gf puts the chicken nuggets in the oven!

Janeymoo50 · 20/06/2016 19:41

Shipping her off before dinner will draw more attention than giving her nuggets (what does she with them, literally just chips???!!!).

ExitPursuedByBear · 20/06/2016 19:41

Seriously? Pop to McDs or Nandos.

Here is the food. Eat it or leave it.

Eating nuggets is not being fussy. It is minging. And indicative of a really restricted attitude to food

needastrongone · 20/06/2016 19:46

Definitely put the ball in her court. Tell her what you plan on cooking. Then, if she chooses not to come, that was her choice. Seems an entirely reasonable offer, and one that will not cause any resentment or repercussion. Smile

MyCatWasRightAboutYou · 20/06/2016 19:47

As someone that has Restrictive/Selective Intake Disorder, I would tell her what you're planning to have so she can decide herself whether she wants to stay or leave beforehand. Or maybe there's parts of the meal you can modify for her portion?
The embarrassment of eating something different while everyone else is eating the main meal will be worse for her, trust me. I'm always very grateful that the host took the time to include me. I know it's a PITA.

quicklydecides · 20/06/2016 19:49

She's a grown up.
This is your dinner.
Eat it, or don't eat it.

LunaLoveg00d · 20/06/2016 19:49

DH is an extremely fussy eater. His dinner choices are limited to cheese pizza or cheese pasta. He eats sweets, chocolates, ice lollies etc but no meat/fish/fruit/veg

What does he do for work? Every so often my DH has work dinners with colleagues from other offices, customers or overseas suppliers and cheesey pasta or pizza wouldn't be an option and neither would be not going. DH was brought up eating very traditional food but over the years has broadened his horizons enormously. People who refuse to eat "normal" food (and I'm assuming the OP isn't dishing up sashimi or some super hot curry) are doing themselves no favours. I wouldn't be inviting friends over for dinner if I was expected to put a frozen pizza in the oven for one of them, or allow them to bring nuggets.

GeorgeTheThird · 20/06/2016 19:50

Does she eat bread? Can't she have some nice bread and push the proper meal around her plate a bit? It's a skill she's going to have to learn.

LunaLoveg00d · 20/06/2016 19:51

I would also think a lot more of someone who said "I know my diet is rubbish and I'm only eating nuggets, but i'm trying REALLY hard to change things and am forcing myself to eat new things".

SuburbanRhonda · 20/06/2016 19:51

At 16 my DD was the same. Her diet was extremely restricted because she just wasn't interested in food in the same way other people were.

Then that summer she went on holiday to see her best friend in South Korea and came back a complete foodie! She'll now eat or try anything that's put in front of her and she does most of the cooking in her shared house.

I'm sure if we pressured her or she met some of the posters on this thread, she would still be a fussy eater, aged 21. We just accommodated her tastes and she found her own way in the end.

MissBattleaxe · 20/06/2016 19:52

I'm afraid I'd have little patience and driving her to McDonalds would take your DH away from his evening and encourage her to continue being picky, knowing that people will indulge her.

If it was an allergy, then yes, separate food if possible, but if it's just picky, I would suggest

1 She eats before she comes over
2 She joins you at the table anyway ( although I would hate that if I were hosting- it looks like a protest)

  1. Tell her there's only one dish and she can choose whether or not to come.

Don't do nuggets or ask your DS to- you'll need the kitchen.

GarlicSteak · 20/06/2016 19:52

stop pandering to her whims. Eat what she's given

You know, I was raised with this attitude - and extreme version, but it did have the supposed advantage of leaving us able or willing to try anything.

Over time, I noticed that other people who'd been "pandered to" were no more reluctant to try new foods and expand their horizons. And, looking after children for parents who "pandered", I discovered it isn't hard after all to knock up 3 or 4 different dishes at the same time.

So the non-pandering rule was just that: a rule, to let us know who was boss. Completely pointless except as control.

tiredsotiredso · 20/06/2016 19:53

Talk to her, maybe she grew up with different food being offered & safe food for her is nuggets so she just says it now. Maybe for her your food seems exotic or different or she is a bit intimidated. I had a friend growing up who 'only ate nuggets' & she would often come to our house for Sunday lunch, I think big family meals fascinated her as in her family they did not exist. She progressed to nuggets & a Yorkshire pudding, but mum just made some put them in a bowl on the table & everyone helped themselves to what they wanted. Obviously she mostly only had the nuggets. On a few occasions I went to her house for tea & it could not have been different, both parents worked & you just went to the freezer chose what you wanted (3 sisters) & cooked it. I loved it!
I have, as I am sure you have experienced many many different evening meals in many different settings: watching people navigating asparagus tips confidently, mussels, fish & chips to nuggets & roast is all done to the host & how confident & comfortable they make their guests. If someone uses the wrong knife or does not eat any veg or only wants nuggets it should not matter. The only thing that matters is if you want that person there for company & if you do, you will make her comfortable & if you don't, you won't.

ricketytickety · 20/06/2016 19:54

Tell her what's on offer that night. If she doesn't want it, then she can go home for tea. Is there no element of the meal she'd eat? What are you having?

ExitPursuedByBear · 20/06/2016 19:54

Ha ha ha.

ricketytickety · 20/06/2016 19:56

george's bread idea is good.

tiredsotiredso · 20/06/2016 19:57

Down not done!

HoneyDragon · 20/06/2016 20:07

MissBattleAxe
Did you expect everyone else to accommodate your dd too? I 'know' you in a sense on here and I simply cannot imagine that you would.

I think that at 17 she should be gracious to realise you have a lot on your plate catering and paying for eleven mouths. If you offered Nandos/McDs than I would hope she'd fervently decline.

Last year I was scouring here for vegan recommendations as we were having friends over and their dd was a strict vegan.

At 17 years old she was charming enough to message me on Facebook and offer to bring a dish over to save my catering for her.

Her mum also bought vegan wine with her Smile

Good manners go both ways, she knows you care as you regularly cater specifically for her often.

This is your Ds's gf opportunity to show she can return your kindness Smile

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