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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

167 replies

1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:33

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

OP posts:
Mumof2lovelys · 05/06/2016 22:36

You've explained to him that if he wishes he can continue a relationship with her but it goes against what you believe in so won't happen in your home, so no, YANBU. It's absolutely fine and I probably wouldn't allow cheating in my home either.

MilesHuntsWig · 05/06/2016 22:36

I admire your principals, but I think you have to back away from it tbh or you will alienate your dss.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2016 22:37

if you are happy to lose your son, carry on

he is 17

this is what they do

TheNotoriousPMT · 05/06/2016 22:39

If your dss ends up marrying this girl and having five kids with her, would you change your mind?

ArmfulOfRoses · 05/06/2016 22:39

What does his father say?

I think you're overreacting massively, did she even know he had a girlfriend?

thecatfromjapan · 05/06/2016 22:40

It's all a bit revolving doors and over-laps at that age.

Personally, I think you're being too hard-line.

17 is still very young. I'm amazed he talks to you about his relationships. I'd want to keep those bridges, not burn them.

AddictedToCoYo · 05/06/2016 22:40

Exactly what AF said.

BoGrainger · 05/06/2016 22:40

While I can sort of see your point, although getting embroiled in other people's relationships never ends well, what happens if they stay together, marry, have children etc? At what point do you 'accept' both of them? If he moves onto someone else are you going to forgive him and also the current girlfriend? It's good to encourage fidelity, respect etc but at the end of the day you can't control other people's actions and emotions.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 05/06/2016 22:40

Well she hasn't done anything wrong has she. She may turn out to be the love of his life (or she may not) but you don't really have any say as long as he's not doing the cheating at home and disrespecting your house. He's young, he may have many girlfriends, I'd just accept it if I was you and go with the flow. It's good to guide him how to girls should be treated but don't alienate them.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/06/2016 22:41

He's 17! Let it go!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 05/06/2016 22:41

I say good for you! He may not like it but heck you're teaching him that certain things are just not acceptable (while society is starting not to give two hoots),nothing wrong with that at all

Cheeseaddicted · 05/06/2016 22:41

I don't think you are being unreasonable, you have told them before that it wouldn't be allowed and you've not tried to stop the relationship as long as it doesn't happen in your home. I feel like you have done the right thing. Maybe talk to you step son and tried to help him understand.

Is there any chance you would give the relationship time, see if it lasts and then try accepting her into the family gradually by inviting her for tea every now and then or something like that? The worst thing is for you to burn all bridges with toe step son and the girl who, unlikely but posisble, could turn out to be your daughter in law. You have every right not to want her into your home and family though.

ArmfulOfRoses · 05/06/2016 22:41

He knew he had a girlfriend, so presumably he isn't allowed round with or without her?

simonettavespucci · 05/06/2016 22:42

Surely it would be more logical to refuse to allow your DSS into your house?

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 22:43

Yes, YABU.

What are you trying to achieve? The cheating has happened, he did the right thing after the wrong thing and owned up.

Now he has a new girlfriend who is "imperfect" in the same sort of way he was, though she wasn't actually the cheater of course, unless she also had a boyfriend. By saying she isn't welcome in your house, the obvious inference is that he isn't either, and it's only duty preventing you throwing him out.

No wonder he is pissed off. I'd be expecting him to spend a hell of a lot of time at hers.

calamityjam · 05/06/2016 22:43

Massive over reaction on your part op. I wouldn't be allowing a different girl to stay over every night, but he is 17, don't alienate the poor girl or him for teenage relationships, they were hardly married with kids, they are just kids themselves chill out fgs.

AnyFucker · 05/06/2016 22:45

if he is going to have a succession of girlfriends (and fair play to him, and them, at 17) then maybe you need to review "open door" policy of allowing sleepovers and welcoming them fully into the family

personally, I don't let my teenagers have their bfs/gfs stay over and I don't consider them part of the family at all

Tiggywinkler · 05/06/2016 22:46

You've got to decide; do you want to uphold a principle, or do you want a good relationship with your son?

indyandlara · 05/06/2016 22:46

At 20 this could have been me. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, he got caught out and it all blew up. His parents loved the old girlfriend. We've been together for 20 years this summer and married for 11. 17 is very young and while you may not like or approve of what he did, please remember to be careful not to burn all your bridges. You won't be the only one with a long memory if this new relationship has longevity.

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 22:48

I say good for you! He may not like it but heck you're teaching him that certain things are just not acceptable (while society is starting not to give two hoots),nothing wrong with that at all

Society NEVER gave two hoots whether a 17 year old had a snog with someone other than his girlfriend. Society isn't based on fidelity between teenagers.

As a mother I'd have been more concerned that my 17 year old was in a 3 year long relationship -way too serious at that age in my opinion, no matter how nice the girl. Yeah it would have been nice if he was off with the old before on with the new but he is 17 for gods sake.

you are over reacting ridiculously and you sound delighted at the opportunity to be self righteous and moralistic - not nice traits. I also sincerely hope the boy's father has said "well it is my roof too and your friends are always welcome".

RaeSkywalker · 05/06/2016 22:49

I think you're over reacting. Don't push him away. He's in a relationship with this girl now and introduced you all to her- you voiced your feelings about cheating which is why he told his ex what happened. Continuing to labour the point will only push him away.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 22:50

I would be astonished if you've never invited another "cheater" into your house amongst friends and family. You just did so unwittingly.

If your son hadn't told you, you'd either have known nothing or you'd've heard about your DSS's new girlfriend when she popped by.

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:50

Father agrees with me. Both of us divorced cheating partners so have the same views.

I know girls will come and go but regardless cheating is not okay, especially 3 years into a relationship.

She was fully aware of his girlfriend and her friends even taunted the ex about it for weeks after she found out and as far as I know still continues to.

If they do last then i am willing to try and accept her into our family gradually and I have told him. But I will not allow a girl who knowingly went with a boy in a relationship and allowed friends to upset the ex over it into the house straight away. Just my views.

I posted here so I could hear other people's views and perhaps rethink my decision based on what others think. I've never actually had, that I know of, any of the others cheat so I always said this is what I would do but never actually did until now. I do feel bad at upsetting them both and I do wish I had explained to the new girlfriend aswell instead of waiting for her to leave so she could see I do not hate her, I just don't approve of their actions.

OP posts:
ApocalypseSlough · 05/06/2016 22:51

You over invested in the first place and now feel a fool. Why were you encouraging a 15 year old couple to behave middle aged? Take a mahoosive step back.

Fourarmsv2 · 05/06/2016 22:51

My MIL had an 18yo DS who cheated on his GF with his GF's BestF. The GF's BestF was also cheating on her BoyF.

Her DS split up with his GF and the cheating pair got together. They weren't allowed to sleep together in her house as she'd allowed with the previous GF.

But luckily she didn't refuse to accept the new GF as nearly 20 years on we are happily married with two DC.

We were kids. We knew it was wrong but I don't regret what we did - our fates just didn't align as smoothly for the others involved as they could have done. :(

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