AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

[1stworldproblemss]

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

I asked him because she came running down the stairs screaming and shouting and when she left just slammed our door. I did say oh tell me all the details. I said is everything okay and he told me.

The situation is a problem, yes. My involvement with my children is not.

And this is why, as per the overarching message of this thread, it is foolish to get so overinvested in the relationships of your 17yo son

OMG.

Seriously to all the people saying you are too involved just F off!

A close family means knowing a lot of what's going on. When someone is slamming doors and shouting in your home you are going to question what is going on. I certainly would ask!

I also don't see the relationship as it is as "normal". Cheating, breaking up, getting a new girlfriend purely to cause jealously, letting new girlfriend bully ex girlfriend and upset about a boy you dumped having another girl in the house when you're not together are not what I would say are normal in relationships.

I didn't probe. I was in the lounge talking with my daughter and he came in. Maybe I could of said something else, or nothing at all, but I said what I said. No going back and I did say I don't want to be involved in this.

I too would've asked what the hell is going on. Especially with slamming doors, I find that really disrespectful! I would've done more that is he okay, I wouldve asked what the hell is going on and why is she shouting and slamming my doors.

It's only natural to get involved in children's life's when they talk to you about it all and you are close. Don't worry about what others say. I am certainly more invested in my children's life than you are fgs.

I think you are such a lovely mum. You ask for advice and all people do is criticise. Keep up with what you are doing, you obviously are doing something right to maintain such a good relationship with your children and if they trust you enough to be open and honest with you.

I get what your trying to achieve OP you want to in still some values on your DSS that cheating isn't acceptable way to behave, especially if this girl and her friends are taunting the ex, it doesn't say a lot for your DSS allowing that to happen tbh.

I wish my Exs mother tried to In still some values in her DS. He cheated on every single partner. He told me he grew up from all that but he still cheating even when we had a DS and has cheated on DW who doesn't know. They are a family of cheats who cheat on their partners so he thinks that's acceptable. I will be making sure I in still the same values as I grow up with to my DS so he treats others with respect.

Teenagers make mistakes but it's how he learns from it. I would sit down and have a gentle chat explain how his ex must feel, talk about the taunting and how she shouldn't be treated in this way. I wouldn't allow the girl over the door straight away at least not until she stops taunting the ex. I wouldn't want anyone associated with my family who took pleasure out of someone else misery. You don't have to welcome her with massive open arms but build up to it. I wouldn't take the relationship too seriously at that age in all honesty.

No, I wouldn't even say that is normal for teenage relationships. And it's certainly not healthy. I have 2 teenagers and 3 that teenage years have come and gone and not one has been in a situation like that. I would make sure they got out of that relationship. Both sides of that seem to be pretty shitty. The girlfriend has been cheated on and then had her ex use another girl to upset her and make her jelous. I definitely would be upset too if I had a close relationship with my boyfriend family for 3 years and then within a few weeks they allow a new girl in their house. And your son has no respect for these girls obviously. I assume he says he did it all out of love for this girl, am I correct?

If I was you I would try continue to keep a good trusting relationship with my children but also try to not get too involved and just leave them too it. Stick to what you say about them try not to get you involved anymore than you need to be in future.

jessica thank you, at least someone can see where I am coming from. I really appriciate your advice but that girl is no longer in the picture as he has now got back with his ex.

Wow your son sounds like a complete tw*t. I'm sorry to say that but come on. He has no respect for those 2 girls. Wish you all the best though. You are a wonderful mother so don't let the critical mums of MN convince you otherwise. The way you've dealt with all this is fantastic!

Just read your update, I would definitely have a chat the way he's been treating both girls is not on. You should of stuck to your initial decision to not have the new gf round so quickly.

I feel that way now but so many people were saying it wasn't the right desicion so at the time I thought it was best.

Sometimes MN isn't always right this was evident when he dumped the new girl for the ex. As someone pointed out by not encouraging this it could mean one less MNr posting about her DH cheating on her. I think it's important we in still some values at a young age that it's not ok to treat people like that and hopefully when he's a young adult he will make the right choices in life.

You honestly would be the perfect mother if you didn't come on MN! You are obviously doing something right if your children trust you enough to talk to you, not many parents have that trust with their children. Please keep us updated! X