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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

167 replies

1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:33

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 05/06/2016 22:52

Also, as Notorious said- what if this turns into something serious? You can't ban get forever.

My best friend got involved with a very not-single man when she was 19 (he was living with his girlfriend). My best friend has now bed with him for 10 years, and they are married. It does happen.

TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 05/06/2016 22:53

More fool you for letting the relationship get so intense at such a young age. Whose benefit were all the dinners for? Did this start at 14?

RaeSkywalker · 05/06/2016 22:54

^apologies for the spelling errors above. Time for bed I think!

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 22:54

They've been dating since they were 14. That's really not the same as divorcing when your spouse and fellow parent cheats on you.

calamityjam · 05/06/2016 22:55

Imagine the convo op: " Sorry girlfriend, I know I said that you could come to my dad and stepmum's for tea tonight, but stepmum said that you are not welcome because I cheated on my ex with you". Does this not sound a teeny bit over the top hearing it from their point of view especially as they are just kids being kids.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 22:55

"My best friend has now bed with him for 10 years"

Gosh, think of the chafing. Wink

Fairylea · 05/06/2016 22:57

I think you are massively over involved.

At 17 this sort of stuff is fairly standard. It's not the same thing as a cheating spouse.

At 18 I was doing all sorts of things I am highly ashamed of looking back as my mid life self. Oh well, you live and learn!

You've said your piece but now I'd move on and be nice and polite. It probably won't last anyway.

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:57

Stared at 15. I was not going to tell my 15 year old step son to break up with his girlfriend because he is too young and hen when it lasted more than a few months I wasn't going to say "stop you're acing middle aged". Am I the only one who thinks that is stupid?

It seems the majority of views are I've not made the right decision so I will rethink. She certainly won't be sleeping over for a long time but maybe I could allow her to come over a few evenings a week. Thank you everyone :)

OP posts:
nailslikeknives · 05/06/2016 22:57

He's 17 so not at an age when he should settle down.
He was honest with you about cheating and followed your advice about telling the ex gf.
He introduced his new gf to you, no secrecy on his part.
I think yabu and in danger of him becoming secretive about future gfs.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/06/2016 22:57

You don't have to 'welcome her into the family' like some mafia don or Peggy Mitchell. It's a couple of teenagers, no marriage lines, no broken contract etc. Why make this into a big thing?
I wouldn't have approved of the deceit but he has told gf#1 and that's done.

thecatfromjapan · 05/06/2016 22:58

Sensible advice from AF. I'd also repeat what two other posters have highlighted: you seem to be demanding very adult behaviours from your teen. Long-term, 'heavy' relationships, becoming part of the family, etc.
That's not so normal at this age. It's more usual to be less serious, more about testing what it feels like to be an adult than actually being one.

BoGrainger · 05/06/2016 22:58

But I don't understand how you can have any relationship with dss based on your views as it takes two to tango. Why is she getting the cold shoulder and not him?

Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 22:59

Both of us divorced cheating partners so have the same views.

you were both MARRIED. Seriously that is way different from 2 teens dating. your spouses broke vows they had made in front of friends and family, broke a legal contract, cheated on their spouses whom they had children with. The teens are just being teens.

Yeah, this would be cause for a conversation about better to be honest and having respect for people but that is it. he broke no vows. you are massively projecting if you are comparing adultery to a 17 year old's relationship.

You should also stop with the making these girls part of the family. That is way too much pressure. They should all be treating this as a time of their lives to meet people, figure out what they like and don't like, have fun etc. not settle down to fidelty and commitment age 14.

FuzzyOwl · 05/06/2016 22:59

The person in the wrong here is your DSS as he was the one in a relationship and who chose to be unfaithful, but you are blaming his new girlfriend.

I think you run the risk of alienating him and potentially causing a family divide if you continue like this. A teenager's partner is someone who you should be on polite terms with and not over-invested in or welcoming into the family.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 22:59

Glad you have rethought.

You might want to come up with a general rule eg partners to stay over only once Relationship is 3 months old or whatever.

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:59

I also don't feel am I over involved. I have no involvement in any other aspect of their relationships.

Surely if I was telling a 15 year old boy not to have girlfriends like a few are saying then that would be too involved?

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 05/06/2016 23:00

sorry just saw your update after I posted - thread moving fast.

notquitegrownup2 · 05/06/2016 23:00

I am impressed with the stand that you have taken. I agree with others that it is unusual and that messy break ups happen at this age, but you will also have given your dss food for thought, and maybe somewhere in the future there will be one less MN posting from a wife who has just found out that her dh has been cheating on her!

It sounds as if you have a strong enough relationship with your dss for him to talk to you about what happened and how cheating affects people, and you have made it clear that you will back down, if the new relationship continues.

LogicalThinking · 05/06/2016 23:01

I think you need to back right off and stop interfering in your son's love life.
I'm not surprised he's upset. It's also very wrong for you to be so judgemental about the girl when he was the one who cheated!

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 23:02

And don't be surprised if she has no interest in coming over a few evenings a week. It's a fairly new relationship and she probably has other things to do, mates to see, college work etc. This is different to dating during GCSEs - they are young adults now, not children.

ApocalypseSlough · 05/06/2016 23:06

"Surely if I was telling a 15 year old boy not to have girlfriends like a few are saying then that would be too involved?"
My DC would have got a Confused Hmm face from me if they'd announced they were dating at 15, yes. I guess it's different in a blended family and your DH was welcoming too, but maybe pull back from the meals in and introduce a 3 month before staying over.
Flowers

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:07

I didn't realise welcoming people into our family was such a bad thing. I always wanted people to feel welcoming, happy and safe in our home. I guess working with troubled youth makes me see things a lot differently to others.

I made it very clear I was disappointed with step son too and I don't blame her, I understand it was his fault too, but she still did what she did. I would never be rude to her if he was to go against me and bring her over I was be polite towards her but again explain I don't want it happening at home.

I've spoken to my son now and explained to him and he hadn't actually told his girlfriend anything yet so this can all be moved on from and just be a lesson for the future.

OP posts:
IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 05/06/2016 23:07

DSS will probably spend less time at yours and more at the new girlfriends, I knew I did when one of my relationships was not approved of.

NerrSnerr · 05/06/2016 23:08

He's the one who shagged someone else behind his girlfriend's back- be mad at him.

He's a teenager- they do stupid shit like this. It sounds like you were expecting him and his ex to have an adult relationship- family meals and the like. Step back, he probably won't settle yet.

Cheeseaddicted · 05/06/2016 23:12

*dont be surprised if she has no interest in coming over a few evenings"

You'd be surprised, both my sons, 17 and 19, have their girlfriends over almost every night and if not they're at theirs. It's just normal now.

And I don't think it's odd to have 15 year olds dating. I started dating younger than that and so did both my sons. Obviously not serious relationships but it was still happening. My 17 year old son started seeing his current girlfriend at 15 too and funnily enough he too cheated. It was only a kiss so nothing too serious, his girlfriend stayed with him but if she hadn't and he started a relationship with the girl he cheated with she would never be welcomed into our home and both my sons know that.