AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

[1stworldproblemss]

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

I think if my child had been seeing someone for 3 years, who I had got to know well and were fond of, and they then treated that person badly AND allowed other people to actively try and make things more painful for them at what must be a pretty awful time- I would be disappointed. I wouldn't just be shrugging it off and saying that's what teenagers do- it's not about the cheating so much as the unkindness. A 3 year relationship is a huge deal for kids that age - I think adolescent relationships can often be more intense than adult ones. I can't imagine how she is feeling. For him this is a huge life lesson on how to treat people decently. I don't think you are over invested - we all become fond of our children's friends over time and would be upset on their behalf, and feel let down by shitty behaviour. I also wouldn't feel very warmly towards anyone who I knew was trying to deliberately upset someone else - if that is what new girlfriend is doing. Even if he hadn't cheated , and had left the relationship just because he wanted to , a bit of kindness towards his ex - ie not rubbing her face in it, wouldn't cost him anything.

However, on a pragmatic level who hasn't been a bit of an arsehole at 17? Getting relationships right in the tricky bits takes practice and he hasn't had practise having only had one relationship. As you all live together and need to find a way forward without this becoming a huge deal and the fact that so far this has stayed within the family and he hasn't told the new girlfriend how you feel is positive as you can patch things up more easily. He might well have a string of much shorter relationships now and if you don't want a revolving door of girls staying at yours you will need some new ground rules.

And most 17 year olds are only just getting to grips with these skills.

I would not allow cheating in my home

Why is your son still living there then?

He's the cheater, not his new girlfriend.

I think if my child had been seeing someone for 3 years, who I had got to know well and were fond of, and they then treated that person badly AND allowed other people to actively try and make things more painful for them at what must be a pretty awful time- I would be disappointed. I wouldn't just be shrugging it off and saying that's what teenagers do- it's not about the cheating so much as the unkindness. A 3 year relationship is a huge deal for kids that age

I met my ex-fiancee at 17. My parents were very open to him, helped him, he was part of the family, etc. When I was 21 I cheated on him with a guy from my work. It led to massive fall-outs and a lot of really unfortunate teenage drama, etc. I lost ALL but a close trio of girlfriends. I was even fired from my job.

LUCKILY, although my parents and brother wholeheartedly disapprove of cheating, my family stood by me. It was years later that I admitted that the reason I'd been driven to cheat was because ex-fiancee had been hitting me, and I was desperate to get away from him, and this guy offered me an "easy" out (I got locked in a closet and thrown against a wall for it, but my ex walked out and never came back, so win?!?!?)

I know there are more mature ways to get away from an abusive partner, but at 21 mature wasn't really my forte.

So you are being massively unreasonable, and a twat.

Those are my words not the OPs and she isnt causing major dramas and threatening to cast out her son, she just isn't willing to brush off his unkindness and the unkindness of his new girlfriend ( I mean active unkindness not just the sadness of a break up) towards someone she knows and likes. She had already said she has reflected on what people have said on her and is backing away from taking any dramatic stands. She has met and been polite to the new girlfriend and has just been asking advice on the fact she is finding it hard to let new (possibly not very pleasant girlfriend) roll straight into the space in their family left by the last one. Some people have pointed out that having such a close relationship with teenage partners given they are likely to be temporary is not necessarily a good idea- but the last one was around for 3 years and spent lots of time with them- it would be odd to hold them at arms length on principle. Relationships develop over time .

What happened to you thefitfatty sounds horrendous but it's not the same situation as the OP.

What happened to you thefitfatty sounds horrendous but it's not the same situation as the OP.

How does she know. Presumably she's not privy to every detail of their relationship. People normally don't cheat for funnzies, it's usually a sign that there is something wrong in the existing relationship. Doesn't make it right, but at 17 that's a hard line to walk.

Her loyalty should be to her step son, not the ex-girlfriend. She's BU and a massive twat.

He's 17, I think you may alienate him & lose him for good if you continue with this stance. It's not his new gf fault. He's the cheat, not her.
thefitfatty makes a good point, people do normally cheat, when there is something wrong with an existing relationship. How people deal with it is the problem. I read countless posts on here about men & women who have affairs & they're mature adults, who rather than address issues, because they're unhappy, take the easy option & have an affair. I think you need to cut your son some slack.

You clearly liked his first girlfriend. You probably feel it is out of your control that she is no longer in your life. If it was me I probably would think similar to you, however it is your sons life, he probably found his relationship to be over a long time before he cheated and has made the mistake (down to age I would say) and now he needs to move on. This new girl is innocent until this. All she will think is oh my god the new family don't like me after I met them once they don't want me around again what have I done? X

Wipe the slate clean and think of her as a new girlfriend. She wasn't a one night stand your son brought her to meet his mother that sings loudly X

Tinkly it doesn't matter if strong feelings are involved or if the relationship lasts. You make it sound as if you think it's ok to betray and hurt other people for your own selfish reasons. It really is not!

A relationship of three years from fourteen to seventeen is not the same as a relationship of three years between the ages of 30/33.

This will have been their first break-up. How many people here can say that they honestly handled their first ever break-up honourably? Even if cheating wasn't involved I don't think that most relationships at sixteen/seventeen end well. More likely they just start ignoring each other and eventually just move on....

Reality is that this particular relationship had most likely run its course. There's a lot of growing up to be done from fourteen to seventeen, and none of the parties involved had the experience to end things well.

It's ok to invite girlfriends into your home. It's ok to tell your DSS that no, cheating on a partner is never ok. but all the "she will not be welcome in the home," is entirely dramatic and is making it all about you. It's not about you. Don't project your own issues wrt how your own marriage ended on to your children.

I've been mulling this over:
Tinkly it doesn't matter if strong feelings are involved or if the relationship lasts. You make it sound as if you think it's ok to betray and hurt other people for your own selfish reasons. It really is not!
Some things are black and white. Eg: not killing, not stealing but fidelity in a new relationship or when both partners are so young is more nuanced. It's definitely not ok to taunt or flaunt a new relationship, but 15-20 year old shouldn't be living in others pockets and socialising with the in laws
How are they going to find out what they are like in a relationship and what's appropriate behaviour if they're carrying the weight of other people's expectations and feelings about the other party?

Does very close family just mean you've got your beak in all the pies and have to have an element of control in everything? So your family know exactly what to say to you and how to hide stuff to an expert level.

You need to butt out of other peoples relationships completely. Its bugger all to do with you.

Why has op said its the new girlfriend that cheated when it wasn't? Surely the son should be thrown out as he is the one that had a girlfriend?

My mil didn't accept me under similar circumstances and now both pil barely see our dc. DH doesn't have much of a relationship with them and not much respect either. Shit happens and you shouldn't punish teenager for their relationship choices so long as they're not abusive.

By cheating what do you mean? Just talking to another girl can be seen as cheating with younger children.

I have to agree with you and say I wouldn't want to let her in my house either. She knowingly went with some who has a girlfriend that she knew off and had even met and then taunts her through social media. She does not sound like a pleasant person. My sons don't give in easy though so I wouldn't be able to stop her coming over. I say let her come over during the days but make it clear she won't be staying over for a very long time.

Why shouldn't 15-20 year olds be socialising with the in laws? Do you have teenagers? im going to assume not because if you did you would probably understand it's hard for them to have relationships with people who don't have any sort of relationship with the family.

No, a close family means we all have very good relationships and talk to each other. Everyone can do as they please as long as they are respectful and I don't control any aspect of anyone's life. Cheating just isn't something I find acceptable and neither is bullying.

I've changed my mind and said I will treat her as though she is any other new girlfriend now.

I am never not going to be disappointed about any of my children disrespecting anyone, i have tried to bring them all up with respect and manors. I don't see how that could possibley mean I am too involved. I let them do as they please most of the time and have very little rules that they need to follow. I have said multiple times that I have changed my mind. I posted on here for advice because I was having doubts about how I dealt with it. I got my advice and changed my mind based on what was said. I can't change my views though, to me cheating will always be wrong no matter what age.

Sooo you allowed a 14yrold into your family then when they were 17 he cheated which isnt very nice obviously so you are banning the new girlfriend poor girl i think you are far to invested in teenagers love life maybe dont get to involved you sound a bit loony tbh and atrached to the ex girlfriend

YABU. Your step son is the cheater, not his new gf. Let him learn the consequences of his own actions in his own romantic relationships and you need to take a massive step back. Obviously if he speaks to you, tell him he's a douchebag for cheating or whatever, but don't punish his new girlfriend and blame her! That's sexist. Also he's 17, he's going to have a lot of different Girlfriends . Don't expect him to behave like a middle aged married man!

I do not dictate what happens in his life, just in my home. I didn't try to stop the relationship, I just didn't want it happening in my home.

I have changed my mind now though and they are in the kitchen now as I type making breakfast. She was very polite when she arrived and she apologised to me which i was not expecting so it's all water under the bridge now.

Yabu, for all the reasons PP have said.

What did she apologise for ?