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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

167 replies

1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 22:33

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

OP posts:
MrsCookieMonster78 · 05/06/2016 23:13

Not sure why the new GF gets the blame and not your DSS, as far as I can tell from what you have said he was the one in a relationship not her but as usual it is the girls fault for luring him away, poor man probably didn't stand a chance!
In any case your response might be appropriate if he were a thirtysomething married for a few years but for a 17 year old it is ridiculous. Certainly tell him you are disappointed with his behaviour and that he should treat people with more respect but your overall response is very OTT.

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:16

My step son is taking the blame too, what do you expect me to do? Kick him out? He's been punished by knowing me and his father are extremely disappointed in him, loosing his ex girlfriend which he was upset about and now by his new girlfriend not being 100% welcome like any other girl would of.

It's not just the cheating that I'm blaming her for, it's the outright taunting of the ex too.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 05/06/2016 23:18

I am in agreement with many others in thinking that you come across as over invested.and completely over the top with your reaction.
They are teenagers for goodness sake. They are stil finding there way and there own moral compass.
My mum did something similar to you when I was 18.(i am now over 50 )and I still feel resentful of her and it has never gone away.
The new girlfriend won't be welcomed by the family
Like I said my mum tried that one, I moved out and I didn't speak to her for 5 years. Bloody control freak.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 23:18

"You'd be surprised, both my sons, 17 and 19, have their girlfriends over almost every night and if not they're at theirs. It's just normal now. "

She might want to come over, she might not. Just saying the OP shouldn't be surprised if the dynamic is different (get the feeling OP was somewhat motherly to the previous GF, not surprising as they were 15)

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 23:19

"it's the outright taunting of the ex too."

You said that was her friends. Is it her too?

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:19

I don't want any of my children or my partners to resent me of course, that's why I have reconsidered. I came here for advice and I got it.

OP posts:
BoGrainger · 05/06/2016 23:19

But why are you blaming her for the 'taunting'? You said it was her friends.

AHellOfABird · 05/06/2016 23:21

Is it your DS telling you about this taunting as he told you about the cheating?

How are he and DSS getting on these days?!

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:21

Not a clue on who actually is doing the taunting, hearing mixed stories. Step son sayings it was only her friends but daughter and son are telling me she sent her Facebook messages too. Have a feeling son might be lying to protect new girlfriend.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 05/06/2016 23:23

I guess working with troubled youth makes me see things a lot differently to others so do I but I still think your attitude was ott

Sure it's great to welcome gf into your home but you talk as if this teenager was a DIL of many years.
Your SS hasn't acted great but for heavens sake and we all make mistakes when we look back with hindsight and maturity we can see we could have/should have done things differently.

Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:23

We have a very close family, I get on well with all of them. Not surprising neither of my sons nor my step son want o spend lots of time with me like my daughter and step daughter do but we still all get on lovely.

Both my sons have/had girlfriends too that spend lots of time here and spend loads of time with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
1stworldproblemss · 05/06/2016 23:25

And j meant it wasn't surprising because they are boys, not because I pushed them away. Just before anyone comes to that conclusion.

OP posts:
Marmalade85 · 05/06/2016 23:26

YABU and massively overreacting. He is 17 and will have many more girlfriends yet. You shouldn't get involved.

Jennyf68 · 05/06/2016 23:28

I think everyone will act differently. It's up to you to decided what's best for you and your family. If bullying is going on perhaps she isn't a nice girl anyway.

SparkleSoiree · 05/06/2016 23:30

YABU. Over-reacting and over-involved.

My lad had girls ringing the house non-stop from about 14 until he met his wife when he was 20. He had a long term girlfriend in that period of 1yr and it was his lack of maturity that prevent him ending it when it should have. He ended up cheating on her with another girl at a party. He was a teenager, it happens all the time and most teens who cheat do not grow up into serial cheaters.

Teens have just discovered the freedom of life without parents knowing their every move. He was enjoying the girls he met and it was party time for him and them.

My loyalty is always with my son and I liked a couple of his previous girlfriends too but I would never dream of dictating to him how he should lead his personal life, in the same way I would not dream of dictating to my friends. However a few years later he is married and settled down now and adores his wife. If I told you their story it would turn your hair green! However they chose each other and if I want to have a relationship with DS I have to accept it and I do, willingly. They make each other happy and I know if it came to a choice he would pick his wife over me every time and so it should be.

It's unreasonable to expect young adults who are still teens to have figured it all out. Attraction, sex, socialising, these are all powerful emotions and desires - it's a lot to get used to and take in.

Make your views known but pick your battles. There is a long road to walk with him yet. I'm sure there are many family members who have made poor decisions in their past but they still come into your home. He's your step son, cut him some slack.

Onfleek · 05/06/2016 23:35

What jennyf68 said. Everyone will have a different veiw imo.

I don't think anything you've said is wrong. 15 year olds have relationships, that's not uncommon. You probably didn't know the relationship would last 3 years so why should you have stopped it just incase it did? 3 years of a relationship and spending time with family isn't acting middle age or being too serious. It's exactly now my children act with their partners. And cheating, whether at 17 or 43, is wrong and it's good you are trying to teach your son morals. It's nice that are willing to hear suggestions and change your mind, hope it all works out for you.

I've read previous posts of yours and you seem like such a lovely mother.

MrsCookieMonster78 · 06/06/2016 00:03

It's not just the cheating that I'm blaming her for

Sorry to go on about this but perhaps you should think about why you blame her at all for the cheating, she was not the one in a relationship your DSS was. Of course I don't think you should throw your DSS out, you've told him you are disappointed and hopefully he will take it on board for the future. To be honest he can't have been that bothered about his gf of 3 years if after she broke up with him for cheating on her he starts a relationship with the person he cheated on her with.
I'm sure you mean well and maybe the new gf isn't a very nice person but it really annoys me when people blame the person (usually a girl/woman) who is not in a relationship for cheating.

awhfuck · 06/06/2016 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Enoughisenough9 · 06/06/2016 00:34

My daughter would laugh at my ex's partner if she started carrying on like this. Weird.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/06/2016 00:49

Your loyalty should always be with your kid, always. Mine have sometimes behaved less than perfectly to boyfriends/girlfriends and I have told them I expect better, but I would never banish anyone from the house.

FWIW DH and I are a pair of cheats who got together. We were mid twenties and lost friends from our social group who judged us. That was 25 years ago. I have seen people ocaisionally at parties and events and they have apologised for ending the friendship. Presumably they realise now that strong feelings were involved since it has lasted so long. It's water off a duck's back to me, I have my lovely DH and I know who my real friends are.

corythatwas · 06/06/2016 01:05

While I absolutely agree that you should not banish your stepson or fall out with him long term, it does seem a little bit as if you are projecting some of the anger you feel towards him pn the gf- simply because she is somebody you can afford to banish and the consequences of being angry with her will be less devastating than with your stepson. But that doesn't make her more guilty.

AddictedToCoYo · 06/06/2016 04:22

More fool you for letting the relationship get so intense at such a young age.

And more fool you if you think you are capable of halting it without making your children hate you forever.

AyeAmarok · 06/06/2016 05:03

I think it's awful that you are blaming his cheating on her! And making her take all the flack for it, while all he gets is "he knows his dad and I are disappointed in him" Confused You are being very unfair, it's him you should be punishing (if you're taking that moral standpoint).

As for the taunting, very childish and cruel, bit then they are childish because they're children and not mature enough to conduct themselves properly in relationships.

But the only little cheating fucker here is your DSS, not the girlfriend.

Tattieboggle · 06/06/2016 05:08

OP you've been given so much good advice on this thread and if it makes any difference I understand your stance on this, and I also respect you for it.

The treatment of your sons previous long term girlfriend is appalling. He behaved very badly, so did the new girlfriend in more ways than one, as have her pals. Sadly this tacky behavior is very common nowadays and I wouldn't be letting it into my home either.

The kids you're telling us about are very young and to be honest over the next few years you're house could need a revolving door on it given the amount of children you have. I speak from experience. So I think I would say to my son - no home visits till the dust from before has settled, and he's been with his new girlfriend for quite some time - months.

Summer is just round the corner and with it will come good weather. There will be loads of things they can do that don't involve being in your house, and if it's that important to them - they can go to the new girlfriends home.

Out of everything you've said it would be the texting that put me right off this new friendship. It's not nice at all and I'd be really ashamed of any of my kids who got involved with people who did this kind of thing. And I don't believe for a minute the new friend didn't take part in it, or know it was going on, and that your son didn't know about it either. It's absolutely awful behavior.

Don't fight with your son about this. Just use it as an excuse to rethink your whole approach as to how you go about this stage of your children's lives and apply it across the board. I think No sleepovers and over for a meal once a week after a few months is okay.

AlanPacino · 06/06/2016 06:10

I can't help but feel you're seeking to address your past hurts through your handling of this. Thing is op you won't stop people cheating by trying to make him feel bad, that's never worked has it. People don't choose to not cheat because they're worried about what society thinks, they won't cheat if they have good communication skills and are confident to talk about their needs with the people around them.

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