AIBU to not let cheating step sons new girlfriend into the family?

[1stworldproblemss]

My step son, 17, and his girlfriend had been together for almost 3 years and she had been staying over a few nights a week and was over for dinner most nights so was very involved with our family. A few weeks ago he cheated on her with a new girl at his college, when me and his dad found out from my son who is at college too we told him he had to tell his girlfriend or we would have to stop her coming over as we wasn't prepared to lie to her. He did tell her and sadly she ended things.

We then found out he had decided to have a relationship with the girl who he cheated with and today whilst we was having friends and family over for a bbq he brought her over to meet us. Everyone was super polite to her as we are not a rude family and she did seem a very nice girl but considering the circumstances they got together under I explained to him after he took her home that she is not welcome in our house and won't be welcomed into our family. This really upset him and he threw a massive tantrum about how our loyalties should be with him not his ex blah blah blah.

We have always been very relaxed about girlfriends and boyfriends coming over and we always give them a good chance before judging them but I just can't allow that. I understand I don't owe the girlfriend anything as I probably won't see her ever again but I've always tried to teach both my 3 children and my partners 2 children that respect is a huge part of relationships and even whilst discussing hypothetical situations did say I would not allow cheating in my home. If it had been the other way around and his girlfriend had been the one who cheated I would not allow her in my home either as I do not find it acceptable.

I've told him if he wants a relationship with her then i will not stop him but it won't be happening under my roof and I wish to have little to do with this new girl as I do see her as guilty as he is.

My question then is, why do you feel the need talk to him about his mum? Surely that isn't your business.

I'm wondering why she is in the house at breakfast time

I don't really. His mum disappeared after the divorce and him and his sister haven heard from her since whereas my children still see their father often. It was just one occasion they had all gone out for a meal and step son was moping around and had told me he is jealous that my children still have both parents and he misses his mum.

She came over about 9:30 this morning. Step son did ask and as everyone was up I had no reason to say no.

That makes sense, I am sorry, I just assumed it was like our situation and everything said was talking down haha.

It's nice of you to allow her over so soon after changing your mind plus allow her to have breakfast.

Oh no worries, that is a sad situation to be in.

Well, I had no reason to say no. Haha yes but it was all a bit selfish on my part. She was sat in lounge with us and her tummy was rumbling really loud so I told them both to make us all some bacon sandwiches.

I was at you doing their washing on the last thread, but I didn't recognise your name. I think we're very different in outlook but you sound like a lovely mum and I can see why you are prioritising having a welcoming home.

aren't they in college today ?

Thank you, I do try to be.

No it's half term.

Is this your son on previous post that works funny hours? Why isn't he at work and I thought he was 18.

Yes, that's him. I made a typo he is 17 haha. He works shifts so one week hell work 5am-2pm and the next week hell work 1pm-10pm. This week he's on the later shift.

I also forget everywhere half term is different. I have 2 children who had half term in different weeks. Nightmare.

Fortunately half term seems to always have been consistent with all school and colleges throughout our town. Not sure how I would've dealt with half term being in differnt weeks.

Half term in our town is same with schools but our closest college is outside of our town so is different. It is annoying and very confusing but probably would be worse if they both were young children who needed childcare.

Good call though re: coming over but not staying overnight- good rule for any BF/GF at that kind of age.
Mi wish my BF at 17 hadn't stayed at my parents, I might not have been victim to what I was. Then again knowing him...

Oops posted too soon.

I think after 18 if the parents feel comfortable then having partners over is fine.

Every family is different.

My family welcomed DH with open arms when we started going out at 18. Invited him out for trips, holidays etc.

DHs family although some were very kind but not his mother but even now wouldn't invite me away or for trips and we have been together nearly 8 years, nearly married for one.

As long as a family member/household isn't nasty I think live and let live is in order.

You are being ridiculous! They are 17!

You risk alienating him if you act this way. He did the right thing in the end and it really isn't your job to police his love life.

Op, how do you feel about your son telling tales on his step brother ?

Honestly, I wish I hadn't been told. I don't like to get involved in all their drama and I'm always telling my 16 year old girls to stop bitching about their friends too me all the time 😂 I like to know what's going on in their life but oh my god some of the stuff they are telling me! But I was told and my son felt like he was doing the right thing and step son agreed with me too, if I hadn't been told he admits he never would've said anything to his girlfriend.

OP
There's a lot to be said for a bit of sculking around and solving their own problems.

Well, only 4 days later and I find out he has broken up wth the new girl and has got back with his ex!

She came over early this afternoon as step son has the day off work for god knows what reason and she stormed out not too long ago. I asked what was going on and what happened to the other girl and he tells me he only used her to make his ex jealous How can someone be so disrespectful to girls?!

And apparently she stormed out because she was pissed off that the other girl had come to a family bbq at the weekend and had been in and out of our house then. Step son then says to me I shouldn't of let him do that so apparently now I was wrong to stop her coming over but also wrong to allow her to. Can't win.

I told him if there's going to be arguments and trouble I don't want him bringing anyone over for a few days as we have a lot going on with my daughters party this weekend. I assume he told her this as she text me saying she is super stressed out at the moment as she is sitting her exams and she is still hurt over the cheating and finding out she had come over felt like she had been replaced and we didn't care much about her anymore. I told her of course I care about her, I'm always happy to see her and she is always welcome here but I don't want arguments this weekend as too much is going on. I explains to her that I couldn't let my close relationship with her get in the way of me welcoming other girlfriends as that would put a wedge between me and step son. Still awaiting a reply.

Told step son to just keep arguments out of the house for a few days and try not to drag me into it anymore than I need to be.

Teenagers ay

You are waaaaay too involved in your step-child's relationship.

Dear god butt out. He's going through normal immature teenage relationship shit and you need to leave him to it. Seriously!

That's just how we are as a family, sorry that that bothers so many people. My children don't seem to mind so why should I? They talk to me and ask me to get involved so it's not a problem.