I think I've lost my son

[MrsGradyOldLady]

My 15 year old son moved to his Dad's a week ago. I'm absolutely heartbroken as (obviously ) I love him so much.

What started it all was that we were on holiday when his twin sister needed to find a toilet quickly as her tampon was leaking. I rushed on ahead with her to find one leaving the rest of the group behind - son, son's friend, daughters friend, my younger daughter, husband and another mother. My son came running up to me and shouted at me "Don't you think you show slow down since X can't walk very well?". I admit that I did snap back and said no - I needed to find a toilet for my daughter and I'm sure they could all cope without me for 5 minutes.

What followed was horrendous. We were all 8 of us sat at a picnic table with my son calling me a "fucking bitch" and a "fucking cunt" saying he hated me and was going to live with his Dad. I took him to one side, apologised for snapping and explained the urgency for the toilet. He continued with his angry and abusive language for the rest of the evening.

Since he got back he's started coming out with all sorts. I don't treat him equally to his sisters. I never listen to him. I bought his sister an I phone 6 but he got nothing (his Dad is responsible for his phone I'm responsible for his sisters and since he's lost at least 4 phones I can see his reluctance to get him a contract phone). He said (to his step mother) that whenever he asks to talk to me I say that I'm too tired. This has never happened - not once.

His father, rather than back next up has decided to "stay neutral".

My son has said he will only come home if I apologise for telling him off on holiday and agree to treat him equally to the girls and change my ways. How can I do this? He wants me to admit that he's my least favourite child which is simply not true. His stepmother told me I should be "the bigger person" and just apologise. I've already apologised for snapping but if I apologise for telling him off for swearing at me and not treating him equally it's just going to validate it in his own mind isn't it?

Son has agreed to go to one counselling session but has said if I try and manipulate the situation by lying then he'll walk straight out. He honestly believes his version of events despite the fact there were 7 other witnesses who all back my version of events.

I honestly think he's dug himself into a massive hole and is now trying to justify it by coming up with ridiculous claims over I phones and unfavourable treatment.

I have been struggling massively with my mental health since December. I admit that I've been spending too much time on my phone - this is something the others have also pulled me up on so I've agreed to stop this. I got to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts and have now been put on citalapram but it's not working yet and I just cry all the time over the slightest thing.

I can honestly hand on heart say I treat them equally. When I upgraded my daughters phone contract it cost an extra tenner a month so I increased his spending money by the same. I admit I've been a but "absent" from everyone due to the mental health issues and having been doing enough fun stuff with them such as days out etc so he does have a point there but none of this is directed solely at him. They've all 3 been affected.

His sister thinks he just wants to stay with his Dad because he can do what he wants there - stay in bed until 3pm, them play on his x box all day. No chores. No rules. I do wonder if he's depressed also as obviously it runs in the family.

I just don't know what to do.

Yes I think you're right. The last time I saw him face to face was Sunday when he came to pick up his school stuff. It was only 5 minutes and he was very cold.

I sent him a text straight after saying how much I loved him but he was asking the impossible. I couldn't apologise for something that wasn't true as it would forever validate it in his own mind. I said I wanted him home and would welcome him with open arms whenever he was ready.

I sent 2 texts to my ex - one about the orthodontist appointment and then another one when I made an appointment for a health check at the new doctors we've joined. Both are very important - I think his braces are actually coming off and he'll need a retainer if so. Had no reply to either so he's being even more childish than his son. Have no idea if he's going to take him.

With the phone thing - to be honest I wouldn't have got him a contract anyway. He's lost at least 4 phones and he rarely has it charged anyway so there would have been a perceived unfairness whoever was paying.

I do think it's the same as a toddler tantrum. My daughter did it once but she was back the next day and seems to have come through the other side now. I think boys hit puberty later so we seem to have had years of excess hormones in this house. All nicely timed with my menopause.

Teenage tantrums and toddler tantrums do have a lot in common. But if you continually make it clear to him how desperate you are to have him back home, he will continue to play him off against your ex-husband. I would tell him you love him and he's welcome to come home, but you're happy for him to stay at his Dad's as long as he needs to (in reality, as long as his dad and step mum put up with him).

What about your current husband? What role is he playing? You have only mentioned him once and until then I assumed you were single as you seemed to be carrying this emotional burden alone.

My current husband isn't really around much. He's just had a massive bad debt at work so he's working all hours really trying to plug the hole in his cash flow. Then the drugs I'm on are knocking me out so I'm normally asleep when I gets home.

He has said pretty much what everyone else is saying that I absolutely must not apologise and also that I've been way too slack in the past with the way he speaks to me. Which is true. I should have come down much harder before because this is not the first time he's spoken to me like this. It was the worst though - it just went on for so long.

Oh God it's absolutely chucking it down here. He's going to be soaked - first waiting for the bus then he's got about a 20 minute walk at the other end of the journey.

Plus, his Dad lives in a rough area. It's a nice house on a nice road but the rest of the area is bad. High crime statistics, high insurance premiums etc. I hate the thought of him making this journey when he could be home already safe.

He's still not backing down though and the earliest the counsellor can fit us in is 27th April. This is so hard I just want him safe with me.

He's so bloody stubborn - they all are. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face

....and that would be his choice

Perhaps a cold dose of rain in the face will sharpen his mind a bit

I do hesterton they're both so lovely. My son is most of the time too - just not right now. I did go through the teenager tantrums with his sister but she's more like me in that she can't stand arguments so she'd go flouncing of to her room for half an hour and then come down for a cuddle.

I know it's hard for them at this age - I was an absolute nightmare looking back. My parents weren't divorced though so I had nowhere to flounce off to.

Apparently I needn't worry about his journey as his grandma's been chauffeuring him home as he doesn't know where to catch any of the buses from that go straight past his school every 5 minuted and all go past his stop.

Your son has no intentions of taking the bus. How long did it take him to pull grandma in to chauffeuring the little emperor? Good for you,op, having the moral fiber to stand by what is right.

Such a grown up, eh ?

he will yell at you that he treat him like a child, then says he doesn't know how to catch a bus

I know - I can't believe it myself. He called his Dad who then called his Mum. I only know this because my daughter told me. She was really shocked by it as she'd told him herself where to catch the bus from as she does it all the time. As well as the train to nearby cities.

This is probably the first time he has ever caught a bus.

He looks like a grown up but he's still such a baby really. I spoke to his step mothers sister last night (who I'm friends with) and she had a lot of really good advice. She's very insightful said he's probably not really considering his sisters at all when he says i favour them. He will have just noticed me waving him away because I'm on my phone and taking it personally because that's all he's seen. And then extrapolated from that that I've probably spent hours chatting with the girls and it's just been him that's been fobbed off.

I got a text last night from my son asking for a photograph of his passport as he needs the info to apply for a school bus pass. So he's obviously planning on this being long term.

And I will never forgive my ex for this. We've fallen out a couple of times over the years but never like this. I've been very naive and played like a violin. I remember one time years ago (when we were still bezzie mates) that he sent an email to his wife sagging me off. Except he didn't send it to her - he sent it to me by mistake.

And there's no way my son had decided off his own back to apply for a bus pass. Absolutely no way. So his Dad is obviously planning on this being long term.

I know you're probably right. He would be going to uni in 3 years anyway. But I'd always joked with them that they could only go to a nearby university and stay with me forever and ever. Like Norman Bates.

I know I need to let go but to me he's still my baby. And I miss him so much.

Yes I know. I'm just so angry and bitter towards him right now. And it's mutual. I do blame him (rightly or wrongly) for his part in all this as he's just not supported me.

Very sorry, OP, this is all very painful.

Step mother's sister does sound perceptive and sensitive.

Reading through all your posts there is a picture of you brig in a stubborn entrenched position too.

Of course YOU know you love them equally, but it is perfectly possible for him to FEEL that there is a difference, and be upset. There is an alternative to you 'apologizing' or 'not apologizing' and that is finding a way to empathize with how he comes to feel this way. But this is hard to navigate and conselling would be a very good arena for that conversation.

You clearly love your son, but loving him is different from wanting to coddle him, and your posts also have an undercurrent of all his faults, the stuff he loses, his habits at his Dad's etc.

I am not criticising you, I just think there is a lot of complexity in this and a polarized position will not help anyone.

I think it v unfortunate that in twins one parent looks after one's phone and one the other. Phones are such currency these days amongst teens.

You need to stop indulging him by apologising every other text he called you a fucking cunt ranted he is acting like a spoiled brat let him stew at his dads for a while text him breezy texts how was school etc but tell him he is welcome to come back anytime no more im sorrys though

I agree: apologizing all the time and sending emotional messages may well come across as emotional pressure, and also make you look emotionally needy of him. Which can feel like emotional blackmail.

I'd back off a bit. A friend's Dd decided she wanted to live with her dad. You know where the visits were like being in Disneyland. But in reality she was back within 6 months and it broke my friend's heart. She would send a text daily asking how she was to keep the lines of communication open but she found it really hard knowing she wouldn't be home each night.

Space and the reality of what it meant to live at dad's did give her daughter a jolt. She saw her at weekends and just ensured her daughter knew she was there for her.

I don't mean to concentrate on his faults. He's also incredibly smart and very very funny. And good company usually.

I asked him if he wanted to go for dinner but he said he'd rather just come here for a chat with just the two of us. So he's coming on Friday after school. It would be better if the counsellor could have seen us sooner but hopefully we can make progress without her. I will apologise for being crap with all of them the last few months but not for treating him differently.

blu you're probably right. I've always joked with all of them that even when they get married they can't leave home. I said I'd build them a granny flat or convert the cellar. I probably need to back off a bit. He's almost a man now but I still treat him like a baby.

Mrs

You leave your DS to it. You know he is safe and sound with food in his belly.

You haven't done anything wrong, unfortunately his father doesn't want to actually parent his son, staying neutral isn't an option when a parent.

You text him and let him know his behaviour is disappointing but your door is always open FULL stop

Then sit and wait.

Don't keep apologising, don't keep agonising, don't keep trying to rationalise his behaviour. Don't keep talking by text.

He's behaved awfully and deep down he knows this, he is pushing you away and going and trying his dad out for size.

Please don't worry because believe me he will be back.

He does have a phone he has an iPhone 4. Originally, his sister got an iPhone 3 on contract for her birthday. Before that they both had blackberries that I'd bought them.
He wanted some other gadget - can't remember what now as it was years ago

Then a few months later my son's Dad gave him his old iPhone 4 so at the time it caused a bit of friction with my daughter as she had the older model for her birthday and then my son just got handed a better phone.

When my daughters contract came to an end I upgraded as the old one was supposed to cost 25 quid a month but they wouldn't cap it so it kept going over and one month it was 60 quid. So the new contract had more data and although it was 35 quid a month it was capped so was actually saving me money.

I don't think this is really about phones though. I think he genuinely thinks that he's treated less favourably but nothing could be further from the truth. I love them all equally and out of the 3 of them he's the one that I actually have more in common with.