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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

975 replies

Ledkr · 27/11/2015 09:01

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Ledkr · 20/12/2015 17:22

Fucking hell.
I went out for the day with dd1 to see santa. Dd2 didn't want to come so stated here.
I got back to mess allo over my kitchen and crisp packets on my sofa a dirty pan shoved in the sink, do they seriously think that it's soneone else's job?
She's used 4 eggs and eaten 2 packs of bloody hidden crisps, made pancakes.
Does my bloody head in, then has attitude when asked to clear up.

OP posts:
longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 17:29

Call her bluff, and tell her to report you. I do that and it quickly stops, they know they'd get f all sympathy from the police or social services when their behaviour is discussed.

We had histronics over not being allowed to go to this "party" in a Camden nightclub last night, apparently everyone is allowed to go, I listed her friends and asked:" so is xyz going?" no they weren't. She just thinks if she behaves badly she might get her way.

Its like having a toddler, but at least toddlers go to bed, teenagers are in your face till nearly bloody midnight.

Dreamgirls234 · 20/12/2015 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 17:51

She has informed me she has screenshot most of the "abuse" as I called her behaviour "disgusting" and told her to "stop being a knob" twice Blush
Toddlers are preferred DD was delightful till about 18 months ago she is now utterly selfish, sloth like and has no self awareness. She is nice when about to make a request for money or something ridic like a bottle of vodka as "all the other mums buy it" again cue hysteria when I say no way.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 18:45

Definitely call her bluff. Tell her that she's very welcome to call the police and/or social services if she feels she can't live with you any more, and you will sign the papers necessary to put her into care. Then explain exactly what happens to teens in that environment.

They can be horrid at times - some more than others sadly. 'Boundaries and consequences' needs to be your mantra.

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 19:02

Call her bluff!

Oh and also, as we have done for periods of time here, remove all but basic financing. She needs a phone? Fine she can have the nokia 3310 from the messy drawer, I'm not funding an Iphone for someone who can't behave. If she wants the Iphone, she has to pay for the contract/buy it from me.
Food is served at meal times and no extras that she likes to eat are bought, basic clothes allowances covers school clothes and basic underwear.

She has her Oyster, so she needs no transport money, and no I'm not topping it up so she can use the tube rather than the bus. The family computer can be used for school work, she doesn't "need" a lap top. Oh and I change the wifi password on a daily basis and will withhold it untill I see behaviour that is good enough to be rewarded with the privillege of internet access, it is not a necessity.

She managed two days of bad behaviour and then became extremely well behaved, we kept this up for a month last time to make the point though, and the point being that she might actually realise just how bloody lucky she is.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 19:10

Totally agree lurker - nothing focuses their minds like the limiting of funds and privileges.

HelpfulChap · 20/12/2015 19:11

We are past that stage thankfully. You have my deepest condolences.

DDs are, IMHO, harder work then DSs.

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 19:22

Sadly I do think other mother's buy the vodka, I'm not going to, they also let year 11 girls share beds with their BFs, I'm not going to.

Mrs Everyoneelsesmum has a lot to answer for.

PoppySeedRoll · 20/12/2015 19:30

I have name changed multiple times but am signing in with nightmare 14 year old. Very bright but lazy, several months of school refusal, trips to a&e, CAMHS etc. Loves the drama of being difficult. I am becoming very resentful and grumpy. Big issue with refusing to clean or look after teeth and dentist refusing to treat her unless she makes any effort at dental hygiene. It's just all so bloody difficult and frustrating and aaaagh.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 19:44

All the other mums "obviously love their kids more than you. DONT YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY" that's another favourite line. Most of the time I don't give it a second thought but as its just me and her I'm hoping she will be slightly better company (than at present) over Christmas. Oh yes DD often says its so unfair so and sos mum allows their boyfriends to sleep in their bed Shock.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 19:45

I need to figure out how to get a password on wifi but then I'm sure she'd just eat into her data. I seriously regret ever giving her a phone!

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 19:50

So and So's mum can deal with the childcare then, is my response usually, but to be fair DD2 hasn't asked, she just reports it, she does love a gossip.

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 19:53

Do you pay the bill grace? I'd be seriously tempted to tell her that the direct debit is cancelled and she needs to sort it herself. If you pay the bill, its your phone take it back!

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 19:58

If you pay the bill on the phone then you cancel the direct debit and give her a cheap nokia thing for emergency use - and review once her behaviour improves.

And don't fall for the 'so and so's mum lets her sleep with her boyfriend'. You don't, and that's all there is too it - although she's welcome to move out if she wishes to.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 19:59

I did enquire but as its a fairly new contract I'd have to pay a huge cancellation fee. She is pushing it at the moment usually she hands it over when requested but this relationship of hers is very intense (I'm hoping it ends ASAP) and the thought of missing one message sends her into a complete meltdown. She has HF ASD and think this added with only being 14 she can't deal with all the boyfriend crap she is a bit obsessed Confused it's not healthy.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 20:00

Oh I never agree because so and so's mum does. I just say one day you'll understand why I say no then try and ignore the further rants , pleas and emotional blackmail!

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:01

In which case I'd still take the phone (we did - DS hated us for it!), give her an emergency use only one and let her have it back when she improves her behaviour.

Dreamgirls234 · 20/12/2015 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 20:10

I definetely back taking the phone, if the tantrums start it takes longer to get it back.

DD1 was once smartphoneless for 2 months due to poor behaviour and real addiction to BBM.

Also allows you to limit the intensity of the relationship. Also need to be having the safe sex talk...

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 20:18

I've had the safe sex talk it didn't go well she said "you think your daughter is a tart, nice mum really nice" Confused. I think I'll be purchasing an old brick phone tomorrow. Does anyone know if you can get a SIM card with same number? Obviously her iPhone one is to small for a Nokia.

Darrowisred · 20/12/2015 20:20

Had the most awful afternoon with dd.

We were away last night for work thing and she got pizza that I left her money for. This lunchtime dh saw the pizza in its box on kitchen table and took one slice. She was still asleep or he would have asked.
She has been yelling abuse at us alternately since getting up and demanding money for the slice. I have been called a bipolar freak and my husband sneered at and called pathetic, amidst other insults, she has said she will not stop till we give her the money. The younger ones have spent the last three hours listening to us being shouted at. I really can't go on like this, I am living in a daily nightmare of abuse. I actuAlly am wondering about calling social services tomorrow and asking if I can make her move out into a bedsit or something, going to have a breakdown otherwise.

SirChenjin · 20/12/2015 20:22

Not sure. Just get her a pay as you go brick with a tenner a month on it and let her deal with transferring the numbers etc.

Grin at the tart thing! Just don't rise to it - smile, thank her for her time, say that your door is always open if she wants to revisit the conversation and leave. It's important not to let them see they've got to you (I don't always practise what I preach, I hasten to add) - otherwise the bastards win Grin

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 20:26

If it was your money in the first place she can do one.

Ignore the shouting, go into another room and just ignore it, or go out. Don't give them the power by arguing.

Is she over 16? I hate to say it, but if she is, tell her to pack a bag and go run her own household and pay the bills. You can let her back when her behaviour improves.

Be strong, hope thngs get better!

Oh and grace, someone who can't discuss sex isn't old enough to be doing it then is she? No bfs to stay over then eh?

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 20:27

It does feel a bit like a major battle doesn't it ?! I try and remain calm and mature but occasionally I end up lowering myself hence the word knob being used against me. Kick myself after and feel a bit like I've given her a point but I'm only human. She used to be 85/15 lovely but since her boyfriends appeared she is in a permanent state of angst and we are on about 2/98 it is no fun.