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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

975 replies

Ledkr · 27/11/2015 09:01

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far Smile

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 18/12/2015 09:36

Hedgehog, I feel your pain re lateness. Luckily DD is only ever slightly late (and would never be late for something as important as a train/plane, etc) but it is so frustrating. Her draconian sixthform has helped somewhat, but I spend most mornings biting my lip and sitting on my hands as she leaves at later than the last minute. We agreed at the start of term (after another monumental row) that I would leave her to it. I just forward her the late texts the school sends to me! It's not too bad though - 3 before half-term, 2 since. I have no idea how it is not more, but apparently she has the coolest tutor. And yes, she lies on her bed on her phone instead of getting ready.

bigTillyMint · 18/12/2015 09:37

Oh, and spends aaaages on her make-up/hair. Do we have the same DD?!
I can't imagine anyone wanting to flat with her - she's in for a shock when she tries that!

Hedgehoginthegarden · 18/12/2015 09:55

I don't think she is ever going to learn tbh but I have such a hard time not saying anything. Dds 6th form are too laid back. That's good receiving texts about lateness. Her college don't even inform you if they miss classes. Just post if on the website so you have to check it yourself and I haven't got the heart to do it as I don't want to be disappointed.

I just hope that one day soon she will grow up and realise that life is not all about her.

longtimelurker101 · 18/12/2015 10:30

I think at 16 they do think life is all about them.

YY to the lateness, school is a 10 minute walk away and she manages to be late. YY to hair and make up, the "i must have urban decay" conversation last night made me mad, she only wants it if I buy it, its not present or something to spend her money on..

Mine expects to move out to go to uni, she won't get in at this rate.

bigTillyMint · 18/12/2015 11:08

Hedgehog, her old school were more laid back re lateness so it was a bit of a shock when she started at the new school sixth form!

When will they start thinking about others? My DS who is 14 is more considerate than DD most of the time, although it was the other way round when they were both small. Swings and roundabouts, I guess!

cinnamontoast · 18/12/2015 11:36

I'm officially lurking rather than joining but I just wanted to say, for every one of you posting on here I bet there are dozens reading it and thinking, 'Oh God, it's not just me then!' Thank you all for making me realise I'm not alone, here in teenage hell (DD 14, DS 18), though it bloody well feels like it most of the time, and currently their favourite sparetime activity is explaining to me in graphic detail exactly why I am the worst mother in the world.
My one bit of advice? Unfriend anyone on Facebook who posts pictures of themselves hugging/being hugged by their smiley, affectionate, compliant DD. You don't need that kind of grief.

longtimelurker101 · 18/12/2015 12:04

Oh and ignore people who tell you how amazing their teens are, you're own teens usually have far better stories to tell you about their kids!

Darrowisred · 19/12/2015 03:50

Cinnamon my dd tells me every single day that I am the worlds worst mother!

Original poster
Ledkr · 19/12/2015 07:28

I was musing last night about how much of this shit is caused by the media.
Dd also asked for Nars make up for her smooth line free 14 yr old face Hmm
I did tell her she coukd buy it with her xmas money so would take Her shopping after xmas. I'm interested to see if she's more hapoy to go for a number 7 when its her dosh.
We went to visit a friend yesterday so not back until late. She settled down for a bit of Internet so I told her it was bedtime so needed to handover phone and pad. Cue the usual boring argument! I cannot let her keep them or she literally doesn't sleep so I'm destined to have a nightly argument all over the holidays Confused

OP posts:
Fleurdelise · 19/12/2015 10:48

I'm back! cinnamon I agree with ignoring FB perfect teens. I have got a friend at work who's daughter is a nightmare but nevertheless she'll occasionally post perfect pictures of mother and daughter.

Things are better here, DS didn't go out since the weed issue at all. Further more he didn't argue any of the consequences, I decided to make him go to school by the school bus which is restricting him as he is being dropped off on the school grounds. Previously riding his bike which meant they could meet before school if they wanted to.

We got his GCSEs predicted grades and the level he's at now and it looks so great I feel like hitting him with a bat just to knock sense into him. I hope he won't ruin it...

longtimelurker101 · 19/12/2015 11:38

The social media is definately an influence here, DD2 had a friends sleep over Saturday last week. Once they would have been in pyjamas and occupying the front room with popcorn, movies, pizza and lots of giggling.

Last week they spent hours choosing outfits and doing each other up in order to take selfies, of which there were hundreds, then choosing which ones to put up on instagram. this took hours too.

It would have been better if they were going somewhere but three film star esque girls descended the stairs, to sit in the living room and watch movies and eat pizza, whilst comparing how many likes they got.

Original poster
Ledkr · 19/12/2015 13:23

God longtime that's it in a nutshell!
What a bloody shame.
We go camping for weeks in the summer to France and dd seems to love the break from make up and stuff. We ride bikes abd swim in the sea and she loves it.
I hope that never stops.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ledkr · 19/12/2015 13:24

I didn't wear foundation till my forties and eveb now not in the summer.

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 19/12/2015 14:55

Yep, true say, Fleur.

My DD SAID that the best thing about Reading (festival) was that they didn't take phones and so just enjoyed themselves instead of taking pictures of themselves looking like they were enjoying it. IYSWIM.

I didn't wear foundation till then either, Ledkr. TBF, DD uses concealer, but not foundation on a daily basis AFAIK.

longtimelurker101 · 19/12/2015 15:41

DD2 can remember to take her make up to school, but not to take her coursework!

Ah well, it does get better, DD1 is back from uni for christmas and is a lovely grown up delight at the minute. She took the car to the supermarket last night and did the shop for the weekend, she brought back wine which we sat drinking whilst watching Graham Norton.

She's taken her sister shopping for a dress today (she wouldn't be seen dead at Westfield with me!), such a change from the girl who only a few years ago would use the "worst parents ever" line on us.

Original poster
Ledkr · 19/12/2015 16:04

Show off Grin

OP posts:
longtimelurker101 · 19/12/2015 17:04

Oh believe me its restbite from her sister that's all. So far this week there have been arguments on what I should provide as "essentials" and what I actually will, the lack of revision, the screaming banshee argument over at attendence at a club night in Camden tonight, plus the regular getting out of bed, handing over the phone before bed blah blah blah.

I'm hoping this afternoon has gone well and that she comes home in a good mood as DD1 is still going to this event tonight. I have a feeling that when the getting ready starts DD2 will start asking again, the answer is still going to be no, but it will cause a ruckus.

Might text Dd1 and ask her to get ready at her mates, could be a plan.

SirChenjin · 19/12/2015 17:11

Count me in!

16 year old DD here and 18 year old DS1. DS1 is away at university now in another city, and 3 lovely things have happened recently.

  1. He texted me this morning to let me know he was OK - he knew I'd been worried about him getting home to his halls after a late night shift at his p/t job, and he wanted to put my mind at ease.
  2. He cooked me a meal at his halls, tidied up afterwards and thanked me for buying the food.
  3. He now has to buy a lot of his own stuff from his p/t job, and as a result has become far more aware of the value of money - he commented "things are so expensive, aren't they!"

This from a lad who has given us real headaches over the years...so hold on in there peeps, it can and does get better!

Mummyhey · 19/12/2015 20:03

My 13 year old son's attitude is splitting our family. My husband of 21 years says he can't take any more and he wants to leave. My son chips away at everyone in the family until it ends in a huge row, night after night. If he doesn't get a reaction from us he says worse and worse comments until we have no choice but to react. I've tried talking to him til I'm blue in the face. I've told him it's unacceptable and enforced consequences but nothing works. He's an A* student and his teachers can't praise him enough! Anybody got any advice for me please? X X

BlueJug · 19/12/2015 21:48

No advice yet. Still here. DS ill today. Seeing him so low reminds me that he is really just a lad. It hasn't been an easy week though.

The trouble is not only am I worried sick about him, (I got a school report and just wanted to cry he is just wasting his time there), but I look at myself, my home and my family and I despair at the waste here too.

I am trying with him but everything I say gets a lie, a denial, a passive aggressive remark or a criticism in response. It is exhausting and sucks any joy out of life. It drives my DD away. She spends all her time in her room away from him.

Still, looking at him now, asleep on the sofa, I can see something of the lovely little boy that he used to be .

Mummyhey · 20/12/2015 08:21

Thank you Bluejug. I try and remind myself that up until recently, he was the most adorable loving child you could wish to meet. He stuck to me like glue for the first ten years of his life, and now he won't even stay in the same room as me! Does anyone have any experience of techniques that actually work, to help me and Bluejug? Xx

longtimelurker101 · 20/12/2015 14:12

Keep repeating: " this too will pass" is about all I can offer, and buy "Get out of my life, but first take me and Alex into town." It helps.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 20/12/2015 15:46
Dreamgirls234 · 20/12/2015 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grace1467 · 20/12/2015 16:53

Me me- DD 14 is currently running a major guilt trip. Long story short she's phone obsessed is is permanently attached that tapping noise continuous. She has been arguing with her twat of a boyfriend- (another story in itself!) till late most evenings. At 11 I told her she had to hand it over as she had to be up at 6.30 plus it was to late for screeching, cue mass hysteria. I asked for it nicely about 30 times then demanded it about another 30 gave warnings but nope. So I managed to prize it from her hands apparently now I "abuse" her she looks at me like she wants me dead and if she does ever speak to me it's very hostile. She has told anyone who will listen I "attacked " her I didn't hurt her at all. She kicked my bedroom door umpteen times after this punched a few walls and is generally being very difficult. When her phone broke a few months ago she was great company till it returned Sad