Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Oh completely - one long endless battle, but with the drawback being you're not allowed to actually kill them

BF sounds like he's giving her more grief that she knows how to handle tbh, but like hell with she admit it. What's he like?

Longtime she is 17, but I thought that I legally have to house her till she is 18....

You can ask social services to house her I think, they won't and she will see just how lucky she is when she sees what happens to teens like her. Hostel life on no money is not fun.

He is a manipulative fucker. He is sweetness and light in these moments he takes her out for nice dinners, cinema shopping etc but he accuses her of cheating on him often or suddenly has a pathetic issue or another and that's when she spends hours on the phone. If she doesn't answer he does the whole "that's it it's over" type texts. When it's good it's great when it's bad I get it in the neck. She won't listen to advice in regards to him. I'm hoping it fizzles pronto I have banned him from the house but in hindsight not sure if that was the right thing to do. Where's the bloody manual?!

I don't think there is one and with boyfriends you just have to let it fizzle out, teen boys are as dramatic as the girls!

Whatever you do don't ban them from seeing each other, it only makes it more desirable..

DD1 had a mate at school who was banned from having boys round, and not really allowed to go out with any... Who was the most promiscuous girl in the year? Yup you guessed it. She even had a fling with a friend of her father's who was in his 30s when she was 18, all completely without them knowing!

Being too strict creates sneaky kids.

I'd be tempted to have him back in the house where you can watch him very carefully....he sounds like a real catch - poor girl, she must be all over the place with him and taking out her anxiety on you in the form of anger. I wonder if it's worth posting for advice on the Relationship board here? It sounds like an abusive relationship and there is some really good advice from people who have lived through similar.

Think I will thanks. Her last bf was much worse, I was rather hoping she'd stay single. The games they play just end up causing so much angst. Apparently all her friends boyfriends are "way worse". Can't force them to split but am really hoping they do. I think he upsets/angers her then she takes it out on me and if I dare to offer advice it gets worse!

Of course they're way worse - she's got to justify him to herself somehow

Hope you manage to get some advice over on Relationships

So sorry to hear all these tales of dreadful teen behaviour. I have no good advice other than trying to stand firm on your rules/principles, but I know myself that it is easier said than done.

Grace, can you get any support from any ASD support groups/try the SN board? You are dealing with something a bit different to the "average" teenager and maybe the usual stuff isn't enough/right?

Re the buying vodka, I told DD that I was happy to buy her a couple of cans of fruit cider for parties, but nothing more. She has thankfully always been fine with that and drinks the boys vodka instead but it is pretty easy to buy vodka underage round here, and I think some mums do actually buy it.

Ledkr, I feel your pain re mess. DD managed to burn my brand-new (kitchen wasn't even finished) wooden work-surface making pancakes with friends whilst I was at work 18months ago.

So glad to hear that I'm not the only one with a nightmare teen. Mine was brought home in a police van last night. I thought she was on an innocent sleepover

Was she at a "gathering" ? I think a gathering means all standing in fields smoking , drinking and other stuff . I've taken to calling parents every time now , last week I spoke to a mum who was clearly DDs friend busted!

I'm joining this thread. Dd is 19 and since about age 10, has been "spirited". Thing is, it's no real "bad things" but low level, argumentative stuff, refusal to do anything in the house ("I'm not hoovering, why should I?") and tbh, it's worn very thin now. She dropped out of an RG uni in 2014, with the intention of having a gap year and reapplying for sept 2015. That hasn't happened and she is working in a dead end, zero hour contract (so hours vary but are antisocial) job which pays for her day to day stuff - about £500/month.
Everything she is asked to do is a bother and has to be done on her terms. We come home from very full on jobs to find she's been in bed all day. Her room is an unhygienic tip, it's all very well advising to shut the door but I can smell it coming up the stairs, her bed sheets were last changed in August. Any attempt to point this out results in an argument or tears, we have tried the reasonable approach/carrot and stick/praise etc but if she's given an inch, she will take the mile.
I know she's not happy at home, life and soul going our with her friends though, but I feel so worn down by this all. I'm at my wits end, really I am.

Good grief vobble that sounds rough.
I have to say that my boys did get like that when they were here, Eventually they had to go, I was a lp and coukdbt afford to support two grown adukts who could barely pay me twenty pounds towards food.
It's drawing the line between them being your children and grown flippong adults who are having the life of Riley at your expense

Vobble - with all due respect (and I do mean that), and in the nicest possible way, it really sounds like things would be better if she was shown the door. She's over 18 now and if she can't behave respectfully to her family (who are also her housemates) then it might be time to ask her to leave.

I'd be asking her to go too, or pay rent. We're in the position where we don't need to be charging rent, but DD1 has been told that if she does come home after Uni, she gets a couple of months grace and then she's charged £75 a week bed and board if she's working.

I know of so many parents whose adult children are at home, there are loads in my work place who are "saving" for deposits, yet manage to be off in Las Vegas at half term, and then Thai land for 5 weeks in the summer etc. Bit of a joke really.

Maybe I'm over egging the pudding, she WILL do jobs if asked but with bad grace and only at a time when she fancies, if we insist on them being done by a certain time-immediately, there's a moody face/slammed doors etc. She will only do the jobs on a list, so if the bin was overflowing she'd say "well it wasn't on my list".
I won't ask her to go. She's my child and she would have nowhere to go and no money either. But I do resent going out to work at the crack of dawn and coming into someone who's been napping all day.
The issue yesterday was that she'd helped herself to some cake and then left all the crumbs, cake out, unwrapped. When asked to put it away she put it in the Tupperware and jammed the lid on across the cake. Trivial, I know, but sometimes it's the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Thanks for listening. Honestly I'm dreading Xmas trying to keep the peace.

Ps she IS paying rent now, a nominal amount, but there's no way to force her to pay - if one month she can't afford it she just won't pay.

I think sometimes living out of home with others, who won't tolerate bad beahviour like your mum will, really helps.

DD1 was a real naval gazer when she left for uni, totally all about me, me, me. She came back a grown up version of the lovely pre teen girl we had once known, not the moody, mardy teen we had got used to before she went!

Can I just say, the bedsheets that haven't been changed since August would really upset me. I would go in, strip the bed, and leave her to make it up with fresh bedding. I know some would say that is the wrong thing to do, but no way could I tolerate that. Also, when my 19 year old ds is home (he is at uni termtime) he sits in his room and it festers so I know what you mean about the smell. I find any opportunity to go in, eg if he goes out to see a friend, or even if he is just in the shower, and open his window. I know he shuts it the minute he is back in the room, but I can't bear the thought of him surrounded by that stale air. When he goes to uni, the whole room gets treated with mould and mildew spray.

Totally agree Lurker, I wish she would get a uni place and move out. I think a dose of reality would be a good thing for her, but the reality is that the only place she could go to at the minute is her boyfriend's house, who is a man child whose mother looks after his every need. Gah it's so hard isn't it? It is soothing (in a way) to hear of others in the same situation though!

So oh sage mothers of mumsnet, what to do with DD2 who has come home from "not a party" at a friends house, and thrown up all over the family bathroom? Thankfully we have the ensuite. DD1 picked her up and said that she had to go in to get her, not many there but clear evidence of vodka drinking.

Don't mind a little bit of drinking, but bloody hell, we are supposed to be up early to sort the house, do the xmas shop etc etc, I needed them onside.

I think I'll start by hoovering outside her room at 7 am, and then? What next?

How old?
Ds1 did this once. I found that the punishment was the terrible hangover. Funny he doesn't drink now at 30
Let her suffer, do what you need to do with or without Her and then have a proper chat with her when she feels better.
Talk about dangers, safe limits, needing to trust her and herberts honest with you so you can keep her safe.
Merry Xmas.
If it helps, I was supposed to sort house today and have 9 for xmas and Dh working right up till xmas morning.....AND I BROKE MY WRIST LAST NIGHT ICE SKATING

Oh NO!!!! Time to find some teenage minions? Hope it doesn't hurt too much.

She has no hangover and is sprightly this morning, so far she has cleaned the bathroom top to bottom, has done her pit of a bedroom, made tea for all who are part of the cleaning comittee. I have an extremely apologetic, compliant teen this morning, who is off this afternoon with her older sister to do the xmas food shop.

I'm sure there may be fights later on, she might want to go out again, but for the moment....

Oh no Ledkr!

longtime, no hangover? Result on all fronts!

Do you not remember that bigtillymint? You could drink and have no hangover.

Girls have left with a massive list and a wad of cash to buy it with, house is looking sparkly, just the beds to do now, but I might have a sneaky nap instead.