Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Flyer that sounds positive - I'm sure he was listening - fingers crossed!

Socialaddict (and Rainbow!) I agree, terns need a different kind of managing to primary - aged children. It is really hard when they have just started secondary and want to be all grown up and independent and think they know it all. I know it was with DD (DS slightly easier as he has been a teen in his mind since he was a toddler so used to it with him!) - steep learning curve for me!

As a mum of 3 DD,s aged 13,14 and 16,also 2 grown sons of 27 and 29 and my eldest daughter who is aged 30,i,ve been there and worn the tshirt many times over with my 3 eldest and i can tell you that from my experience the most important thing is communication and never giving up on them,many times with each of my eldest 3 i felt like walking away and letting them get on with it,i,ve felt such anger towards them,cried over them many times,despised the things they did/said etc but no matter how angry i was,i would always calm myself down and try and talk to them and it worked,as adults,they are amazing people,they treat me with respect and love and are decent human beings that i can say i am proud to have raised.So here i am doing it all again with my 3 youngest,same fights,crying the same tears,same doors slamming,same sneaking out of the house,same worrying etc and if i,ve learnt anything it is to let the small stuff go and focus on the important stuff,if there,s dirty knickers on their bedroom floor,leave them,they,ll pick them up soon enough when their friends are calling,its all part of growing up and learning self respect.

caroline you are like me. Big age gaps, been having kids forever.
My youngest is only 4 tho. I am hoping I'll be so knackered by the tine she strats with the teen stuff that I won't notice

Ledkr,thats your baby,you,ll notice lol

Can I join please? 13 year old, 5 year old, 2 year old. None of them can get on for longer than two minutes.
My teen DD is failing miserably at school ( F French F physics E maths E music E biology E history E sport D German)
She won't record homework, complete it on time, pack her bag the night before, shower the night before, get up on time, get to school on time, choose healthy things to eat, do any exercise and when I try to discuss any of it, I'm nagging, need to get a life, etc etc
I am just so so knackered. She just does not seem to care to the extent that I am beginning to ask myself why I still do.

I will join! Our 17 yo dd is an aggressive abusive nightmare. Our home life is so hard. She treats me and dh are her sisters like shit. You only need to be in the room that she walks into for her to snarl abuse. She picks fights with me ever single day. She is set to leave school with one higher (in scotland) and has absolutely no ambitions. Says she will just stay at home (no way) or with a relative. Has no social life and is angry and bitter about girls in her class who do. We have tried so hard with her over the years and she has taken up so much of our energy but now she needs to go, I have told her that when she leaves school next summer I will help her find her own place as none of us can go on like this.

God that sounds a nightmare for both of you new joiners.

kimmy do you get any time just with her? Like me you have little ones who take up so much time that it's easy to forget the teens especially when they are horrible.
I too Dd late night shopping Thursday, met ds2 for moral support but we had a great time, had dinner and a giggle and she has been much brighter since.
Period is due soon tho so that is set to change.

darrow that sounds hideous and I don't blame you for suggesting she goes. You can only do so much and I think by allowing her to languish at home you would just enable her, maybe a dose of reality is required although I don't know how hard that will be seeing what my Dd was expected to live on when he had to stop work with kidney failure.

Thanks ledkr.

I sometimes wish I could fast forward 10 years and leave all of this behind. This time last year I could never have imagined I would feel so ground down by everything. I feel absolutely crap

And why do I feel so guilty about it all. I think everything is my fault. If only I'd been more strict, done things differently etc. Sorry but just feeling sorry for myself and having too much .

Sorry to hear you're having difficult times Hedgehog, darrow and kimmy. I think it's normal to feel like it's all our fault. But remember, they have their own personalities too.

The more you talk to other parents of teens, the more you realise that the vast majority of them go through a horrible phase/MH difficulties, etc. But it can feel like it's just yours when you are in your own home dealing with it.

Can i also join. Dd has some additional needs and going back to camhs is utterly awful and abusive physically and verbally.shes lost her homework planner tonight so ive had three hours of her utterly nasty behaviour and name calling. If i pick her up on it its all about me me me apparently. Oh and shes just sticking up for herself when i refuse to get in battle with her and shes still being vile.

I never do anything for her apparently

Ledkr - the iPhone issue, I so understand the rage that induces, DD15 had sneakily opened and then resealed all her birthday presents, I was so hurt and haven't even confronted her about it, especially as I had been extra generous because she's been having a hard time. Taking her hard time all out on me though, when actually her own selfish, self centred behaviour has caused all her problems. I don't want to even buy her any Christmas presents, the joy has gone out of everything - 2-3 Years of nasty, vicious behaviour from her. And her period is due on Christmas Day - help! Anybody got room at their Inn or even a stable I could borrow?!!

robyn how horrible they are.
Id be tempted to remove at least one of the gifts so she's wondering where it is at christnas. She can hardly ask can she?
It's really hard tho isn't it?
DD has just given me the usual cheek and defiance at phone hsndover time!!

I feel the same about Xmas gifts....she only wants an iPhone 6 which I have said no to. I've got her a few things - an Amazon fire stick, perfume, clothes - she will not hide her displeasure on Xmas day, especially the clothes as I've bought them in size 12(she's actually a good 14-16 but in complete denial about this and maintains she is a ten). I have to not let her spoil Xmas for her siblings but she is an expert in just creating appalling tension and letting it build up to the point where everyone is walking on eggshells around her. Just sitting silently glowering at everyone, snapping monosyllabic answers, so unpleasant and what she does so often at family occasions. I actually feel as if I'm serving out the remainder of a prison sentence till she leaves home next year. Not that she will go willingly, her plan is to live at home with no job or education - she said she just 'wants a break' after school and that I'm a drama queen to say life doesn't work like that.

She is an intelligent girl but is set to leave school with virtually no qualifications and has no plans except to continue as a child, being housed and fed by us. I could honestly cry when I see her wasting all her potential this way. She has few friends an no social life. She is s pretty girl but quite overweight and is piling on further weight. There is a real predisposal to obesity in our family - I am not but some older family members such as my sister are morbidly obese. I buy healthy food and have paid for a gym for her but she just goes out and buys junk with her babysitting money and sits eating whole packets of biscuits and giant bags of Doritos.

I feel so sad when I look at the pictures of her as a little girl. I would not in my worst nightmares have imagined her like this at almost 18 - abusive, a recluse, with no ambition or interests, I hear other parents with kids this age talking about plans for uni or even a gap year and I could cry. Even if she just wanted to go straight to work at something that interested her that would be something but she appears genuinely happy to leave school and be unemployed.

Sorry for the novel, that turned into a rant! We even arranged for her to see a counsellor who specialises in teens but she went twice and refused to go back.

Robyn, I just don't get why children/teens would want to check all their presents before the big day. Has she always been like that?

Darrow, how frustrating that she is refusing to engage with any support. Do the school offer any insights/support? Has her behaviour deteriorated over time or has she always struggled?

Darrow - how hideous for you, it's the crushing feeling of not being able to do anything and I definitely understand that sense of having to keep doing everything to run a home when you are being snapped at and put down all the time by a horrible teenager. Feeling trapped and unwelcome in Your own home = misery. It's not for ever, she will grow older and hopefully up. What about getting forms to apply for council housing for her, maybe do them with her and discuss the length of waiting lists etc. She has probably not even thought about the fact you aren't obliged to house her for ever, your not even obliged to house her now! In a dream world this could lead to you discussing positively what's needs to be changing so she can stay at home. I would ignore her weight, she's a teen and hopefully once she is happier her weight will stabilise, better this way than her developing an eating disorder. Spoiling Christmas for siblings, yeah that is such a pain and it makes me so mad, I am going to try very hard not to react to bad behaviour between now and Christmas Day. It's pointless me reacting anyway as she just ignores every bit of support or advice I try to give, and blowing up at her just involves the whole household in angst.

bigTilly - looking back she has always wanted lots of stuff, we did not overindulge our kids when they were younger and with our two DS we have lovely natured, respectful, kind, considerate late teen boys who are doing well - I am at a loss as to why we have this nasty, entitled difficult girl. Looking around there are many lovely teen girls, I know from friends that their teen girls are not perfect, but they only have occasional bursts of frustrated angst towards their family's, whereas we are living with every single day, every single issue, extreme self centred behaviour, aggression and horribleness. It is actually a relief to read this thread and see that there are others facing similar difficulties. It could all be so lovely at this stage In our lives instead of this!

darrow I Yeit when people say this but could she be depressed?

Read through all your comments, made me smile and want to sob at the same time.
my DD is 16 and has been difficult since she started secondary school, she is getting worse if anything.I have never let it get to me before, but last night she made me cry after experiencing more of her shrieking, threatening, egocentric behaviour over nothing. I cried infront of her for the first time, hoping it might make her stop and see how hurtful her behaviour can be but no, hasnt spoken to me yet, and I couldnt bring myself to speak to her this morning either. Spent all night trying to decide what to do, tried to take her phone last night but she physically wrestled it off me, shes on contract so wouldnt care if I turned wifi off. She has plenty of money at the moment as my MIL gave her £100 at the weekend, will stop washing her clothes but she wont care about wearing dirty ones! If we didnt have another child I wouldnt bother giving her anything for Xmas, rather give her presents away at the moment but not worth her making everyone elses life hell on Xmas day. Would like to have the balls to do nothing for her, stop nagging her to get up for college,do homework etc. but as shes already on report expect she would get kicked out and that would all be my fault for not waking her up 6 times a morning!!

Re the phone, can u just call the phone company and get the sim stopped?
It's horrible tho. My friend rang me today and we both cried about our horrible dds.

Bah, I'm joining, DD2 16 is a stroppy, rude, entitled mare at the minute.

For a start not a jot of work went on for the mocks last week, concerns coming home from teachers about lack effort in coursework, and to my shame (and her future financial detrement) has been told that she won't be asked back to her fairly easy babysitting job because she left the kitchen and front room a tip when the kids were in bed when she arrived, it was her mess!

No, you cannot go to a club in Camden with your older sister, you are not over 18 and she is 21. Cue, eye rolling, shifting from hip to hip whilst tutting, hair flicking etc (oh and btw , DD1 got a rollicking for inviting her in the first place).

No, I'm not funding Urban Decay make up, Victoria's secret underwear, and and an I phone 6 as necssities. Of course everyone else's mum does, but I'm not everyone else's mum.

Door slamming tonight, we're the worst parents in the world apparently.

Now rant over, pass the wine.

Ledkr yes I think she may be depressed. I've tried to get her to go to gp but she refused, bought her St. John's wort and evening primrose, it just sits unopened, she wouldn't see counsellor either....

One of the things that leads to a lot of tension and arguments is dd's lateness. She is never on time for anything. I am forever telling her to hurry up etc and she either gets somewhere by the skin of her teeth (if I am giving her a lift) or she is late. And she is not bothered in the slightest. Its only college and they are not bothered she says. Its more important to her how she looks. Dd and dh have fallen out again over this at the weekend which is a shame as they were just starting to get on a bit better after not for most of this year!

I just can't get it into her head that it isn't OK to be late. When she starts work she will never manage. She will be sacked. If she has to rely on public transport to get to work and she misses the bus, what will happen? An employer will just not stand for persistent lateness. And if she can't hold down a job she is never going to be able to afford to move out . I've told her all this and she's not bothered.

Just this morning I got shouted at for going into her room to tell her she should be getting ready. She was lying on her bed on her phone! Its a bit of a joke amongst her friends about her being late but you can tell they get a bit pissed off about it at times.

What can I do? I know its not really a big deal and I have to stand back and let her sort herself out but it's hard.

Grrrrrr my DD is exactly the same! The only improvement now is she's passed her test and saved to buy herself a car, so I'm not giving lifts or chasing her for busses. She gets stressed when late so why keep repeating the behaviour? If I do need her to be on time I've taken to lying about it and giving her a deadline of ten mins to half an hour earlier. That does make things a little better. A lot of my friends complain of the same. A few of them simply leave without their DCs if they're not ready on time. I never actually did that, and I have to say it doesn't seem to make any difference with their DC's repeated lateness either.

Its more important to her to get that last eyelash in place or that the hair is perfect. Just start getting ready earlier ffs. But tbh the more time she has the more time is spent faffing around on her phone etc.

She thinks she is just going to move out when she is 18 and share a place with her friends. Don't think that's going to happen. Firstly she will never hold down a job with her lateness and attitude. Secondly, if they need a guarantor to rent somewhere there is no way on earth I'm going to do that. I'll end up paying her rent when she loses her job.

I wish I could be more positive about her future but I know what she is like and I can't help but worry.