Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Sounds tough missy. Also saw you'd posted for help on another thread, sounds like you're really struggling. I'm no expert, unfortunately, as have been through all sorts with my DD and she still has the capacity to drive us nuts. Mood and attitude-wise, though, she's a lot better than when she was 15 (she's 18 now). I do think they mature a little.

Glad you are now at the top of the list for CAMHS. I hope you find it helpful. My DD wouldn't engage really, and her appointments were 8 weeks apart (what good is that!), so it wasn't a great help. However, my DS had fantastic counselling for another issue, and I've heard good reports of CAMHS in other areas so hopefully yours will be good.

I've also heard of family counselling, which might help you as well as your DD? Also try mood juice on the Internet. DD and DS both found their work books helpful.

Look after yourself - take time out for yourself. It's so easy to become totally wrapped up in your DD, I know I am sometimes, but it's important to stay healthy and strong yourself so that you can help her.

Keep posting on here if it helps, you're not alone in this.

I'm sorry for those going through tough times at the moment. Tbh my "problems" with my dd are nothing compared to others on here. All I can say is keep posting and you will get good advice and support.
First AS exam here tomorrow and dd is at bf's watching a film. Ffs!

Ahhh, good luck to your DD Moët. I remember that with one of DD's GCSEs. Sat and watched the hours tick by the night before, waiting for her to start revising. She didn't even pick up a book. Where's their sense of urgency? Hopefully your DD will be ok, she might have absorbed enough at college to get by.

Fingers crossed Peebles. She's home now and has her books out at least.
I'll be pleased when exams are over and then I will no doubt be on here moaning about her lying in bed all day doing nothing. Oh the joys!

It really helps reading these posts. I have felt so sad this weekend, my dd screamed at me and told me what an awful parent I am (amongst other stuff!). I know it is just teenage stuff, exam pressure, friendship issues etc but it is still really hard to hear and live with. I think we try so hard as parents and this is the time I have found by far the hardest as it is all thrown back in my face so often. It is heartening to know that at some point we will come through the other side. I do have sympathy with teens and all they go through but it is so tough to parent them.

First exam over here. It was " pretty bad". Feel a bit sorry for dd as she did the most work on this subject. I will be comforting and encouraging for the next two but tbh I know she hasn't done nearly enough revision. Shame coz she is a clever, but lazy, girl.

First GCSE exam (RE) over with this morning.

Students could go into school an hour early this morning if they wanted to, so DS asked me to drive him in so he could "get in the mood"
I asked DS to send me a text when it was over, and this is what I received -

"Finished the exam! I think I did alright to be honest It was as I expected. It wasn't that difficult"

I dearly hope he's right. But I also hope this doesn't mean he thinks the rest will be like that!
I do come across as distrusting don't I!!

Anyway - a good day so far. I hope everyone is ok today....

That's good girlandboy. Let's hope things continue in the same vein.

Moët, maybe she's done better than she thinks. Does this one 'count'?

DD has made a list of what she has to learn for psychology, and thinks it'll all be fine as long as she does a bit every day. But it won't be coz there's no way you can pass well with revising in the last three weeks only and hardly attending any lessons for most of the year. BUT - at least she's making some effort and I hope it's enough to scrape her offer.

That sounds encouraging girlandboy. You'd be surprised at how much revision they do at school for GCSEs. I went through this last year with dd who did very little at home but managed to get very good results. So don't despair as you will hopefully be pleasantly surprised like I was.

Well Peebles maybe this last minute flurry of activity will just be enough to get them through. I don't hold out much hope but its not the end of the world whatever the outcome. Dd does not want to go to uni so thinks these exams are a waste of time as realistically the jobs she will end up going for only require GCSEs.
This is turning into an education thread after all

I know! I like it coz I can't join in on 'education', though I do read it. I might comment at some point, there are a few on there who don't seem completely swotty - but more the AS level thread than the A2.

Ha ha yes. I'm probably me being one of the aforementioned with the unswotty dd. I can't believe how nervous I am about these exams tbh. I know I wasn't expecting much but I'm disappointed. Dd didn't even finish answering some of the questions so things aren't looking good for today's effort. Just hoping everyone else is as bad so the grade boundaries might be lower. And this is only AS level! I dread to think what next year will be like - that's if she gets that far. How did your dd get on last year Peebles? My ds didn't do so well in AS but did OK in A2.
And apologies to all who are thinking wtf is she blathering on about exams for in the teen thread. (They are too swotty on education )

Well my dd had a bad first day of exams today but at the end of the day, what does it really matter how they do in exams? Yes its frustrating when an obviously intelligent dc wastes their potential. They are under so much pressure to do well from the schools/colleges and from us the parents. I can't remember it being like this when I was that age, many moons ago but I was a hard worker and just got on with it. I cant ever recall my parents nagging me to revise or do homework. But its a different world now and things could be a lot worse.
This is what i am telling myself. So why the hell am I stressing myself out about it all? Its not worth it and when exams are finished I will be stressing about something else. I need a good talking to so MN sort me out

I have no idea how DD did in RE today as she hasn't spoken to me. I asked her what was wrong and she screamed at me to go away. I don't want to stress her anymore, I want to help but I don't know what to do.

I could have written your post word for word Bumper (apart from the fact my DD is doing A2). No pressure on me at that age either, but I was a major goody goody two shoes! It's ironic I've produced my DD really. DH says he was just like her so I'll blame him!

Moët, DD got three Ds at AS. She was disappointed, and narrowly missed a C in 2 of them, but I'd say it was what she deserved really, considering the lack of overall effort. I'd say this year has been a repeat work-wise, if not worse, so I'm not expecting much. Obviously it's not all her fault coz of anxiety/low mood issues etc etc., and she's stepping up the work now but has probably left it too late like last year.

I too get anxious and really root for her to do well. She has a low offer (two Ds and a C), so you never know. Obviously I'm not talking about a top Uni but that doesn't matter.

I agree, and DH also says, that we'll simply have a new set of problems once this school year is over. I remember crawling through her GCSEs, thinking she might fail and if only she could get to sixth form all would be well. Doh!!

I'm happy to keep discussing exams on here, as its exam season and a big cause of teen and parent stress so I think it's relevant. But if others think not I could start a new thread? Don't want to be annoying to folk going through much worse at the mo.

I am in. DD 16. It's killing me.

That's great she's got an offer Peebles and she must have plans for the future if she's thinking about uni. You never know, she might just pull it out of the bag.
I'm beginning to think it would be best all round if dd just gets herself a job and leaves after these exams as it seems pointless. She hates studying and is wasting everyone's time. But I think she will hate work, once the novelty wears off and the daily slog begins. But that's life in the real world.
As Bumper says, its not worth stressing about but if anyone can tell me how to stop I'd be very grateful as I am tying myself in knots at the moment. And yes once this is over then there will no doubt be other stuff to fret about. Bloody hell!

Just another request for advice. Dd is telling me she is convinced she is going to fail her exams. I don't know what to say to her or is it worth saying anything. Truth is she has done the bare minimum of work all year. Has been out with friends every night and all weekends, only doing some revision these past few weeks. Social life number one priority. Chances are she will fail but do I say to her, its your own fault. You have not worked hard enough ( she will deny this) and is it worth the resulting bad feeling? I don't know what to do. She wants me to tell her it doesn't matter if she fails but I can't do that. If she had genuinely tried then no it wouldn't matter, but I know she hasn't put the effort in.
How should I handle it? Btw 2 exams tomorrow, then last one in a week.

Moet this seems to be upsetting you a lot. I don't honestly know what to advise. I hope someone will come along and give some opinions but in the end its up to you. Tricky.

Me neither Moët, tbh. Had similar last year when DD's results reflected effort. We didn't 'stick the boot in' as it were, as she was clearly disappointed herself so that was enough I thought. DH did say at one point that she could've worked a lot harder.

Thing is, it's not too late for your DD to turn things around. She has another year yet. I'd probably try and get her to come to her own conclusion about it. 'Well why do you think you're going to fail?' 'Could you have done anything differently?' 'What would you like to do after college?' Etc. Hoping she'll say what I'm thinking but you can never predict how these conversations will go can you?

It's probably a bit late to say it's her own fault and I'm damn sure she knows it anyway. It will probably just cause arguments and add to your and her stress, as you say. I bet she's feeling pretty crap and already knows everything you are tempted to say to her, so maybe best left to discuss till after exam pressures are over??

Just a thought. It's so hard, I feel I'm never happy with poor DD. She did loads of work yesterday then went out last night. Instead of being pleased about the work I was displeased about the going out. Didn't say so though.

Hope you both feel a bit better today.

Thanks so much Peebles. I'm certainly not going to say anything to upset her until after the exams are over as there is a good chance she will say "stuff it then" and not even bother turning up for the last one. Thing is, I don't think she can see that she hasn't put the work in all year. She just thinks the subjects are really hard but she is honestly just lazy. Turning up for classes is working hard in her eyes.
My instinct as a mother is to want to make her feel better. That's what we do, isn't it?

moet
Two of my ds got no exams and both have ok lives and jobs
One is a red coat
One is a chef which he trained to do at college doing a vocational course. It's not the be all and end all.
Ive got hardly any GCSEs abd trained to be a nirse and then a sw in my twenties.
We put pressure on them when they are at the pinnacle of awkwardness!
Hi all, glad to see this is still going.
Dd has been ok. Still lazy and dismissive. I did some training with work so have pretty much given up on her room or getting her to help out I have told her that if she did start to do stuff she can have some pocket money but so far zilch.
Last night DH had to ask her to pick up her used sanitary towell from the bathroom floor of course she was furious with him for embarrassing her!

I just want to add myself on here too, i am so fed up with my two dd s age 14 and 16, one is a monster and is so mean to all of us and lovely to her friends, she even has a different voice for them. They never stop fighting and in turn sometimes i attach them verbally too as i hate them at the moment, i know its harsh but its so upsetting and i am making it worse. I just lose it when they give me the snarly ugly face and call me names, stupid mother, i hate you you are so horrible etc I cannot understand what else to do. If it let them get away with it, what does that do, they still do it again and again, where is all the respect gone.

Ha ha, now there's a word Sprout! Respect. None of it in this house.

Dd is doing GCSEs, had two today. Her dinner is cold, she's not back from school yet, and will be too tiiiirrrreeedddd to do any revision when she gets in no doubt.

Talking about stressing about other things once exams are over.......I am stressing about her laying in bed til lunchtime every day and doing FA. I've told her she needs a summer job, and you'd have thought I had just asked her to chop off an arm. I just can't have her laying about when the rest of the house is contributing to society.

What are you lot going to do with yours?

Ha yes tick. Once exams are over dd will revert to being up all night and lying in bed all day and doing sweet FA around the house. I will be tres annoyed about that I'm sure! There is no way she will be arsed to get a summer job because you know she will be chilling out after all the hard work at college and she just hasn't got time! So I will be trying to keep my cool.

I spoke too soon on Monday. The atmosphere is dire. He's refused to eat his dinner with us for the last two days and wanted to eat it in his room. I said no, because it's unsociable and it will make upstairs smell of food.
He's come in from school today and gone straight to his room. I went and knocked on his door after an hour and apparently woke him up! He got nasty when again I told him he wouldn't be eating upstairs and said he wouldn't have any dinner then. Fair enough. I asked him not to be unkind to me and he went ballistic. I'm afraid I cried. Which made him angrier.
I've come downstairs and DH had just got home. He told me just to let him be and that he'll grow out of it by the time he's 30!! He's right though...

And then my nose started bleeding and I vomited. Stress? I think so.
And I can't stop crying..