Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

I wonder if dd's nice boyfriend would be impressed if he heard her screaming at me to leave her alone like she did this morning. All I did was point out that she was late (a recurring theme seems to be). I think he would be quite shocked. If only he knew just how nasty and selfish she can be he'd run a mile!
Until she apologises to me there will be no more lifts anywhere. I've come to the end of my tether with her!
Rant rant rant

Same here. I'm trying to keep things calm for the next few weeks until exams are over, incidentally, talking about lateness, I am going to have to deliver dd to college so she is not late and misses them, but then I will be telling her straight about what's expected. And if she takes offence and threatens to leave home ( again) then so be it. I too have had enough.
That's the plan anyway. I'll probably wimp out as usual but I'm hardening towards her as time goes on. Fighting talk. The mouse strikes back!

I have read many of the posts here and really do empathise with other parents going through these problems ....

I recently read "The Explosive Child" and really recommend this even if your child isn't extreme and explosive. It also applies to teenagers. It puts forward a new way of relating when continuing arguments and explosions are being destructive to your relationship. Here's a precis if you're interested!

Basically it describes 3 ways of parent/child communicating.

PLAN A. Parents' Will e.g. I want you to brush your teeth, do your homework, etc

PLAN C. Dropping some Expectations completely (this may be hard for some of us, but necessary unless you want constant battle with a sensitive or inflexible teenager or a teenager with ADHD traits etc ).

PLAN B. Collaberative Problem Solving. Broadly, it involves a few stages

      (a) THE EMPATHY STEP "Empathy" e.g. child doesn't want to do homework, why might that be, its too hard says the child, what parts are hard you reply, and so on, the final answers can be quite surprising in a conversation.  Its general empathy with information gathering, gently drilling (not grilling!) about what the problem might really be. Often children don't always know exactly what the real problem is, or find great difficulty in expressing it - one of the reasons for explosions!  The book explains this very well with examples.

      (b) DEFINE THE PROBLEM STEP - concerns are clarified - for both child and parent.  Now the child has a real chance to explain his or her concerns.  And the parent too!  Again book very good at giving examples.

      (c) THE INVITATION STEP - parent gives a chance for child to solve this problem, and then gives his or her ideas and input too (so the burden is not totally on the child).  The solution might not be permanent e.g. if its unrealistic, but it can always be looked at again in the future.

Which plan you use at any time kind of depends on your child and the issue at hand. It may sound time-consuming, but as the author points out, the time consumed in angry arguments, outbursts and sulking plus everything that follows including remorse and so on, can take much more time and energy. Like others on here I really recommend this book.

(Was much less keen on "Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex into Town" which had some great points re. independence but seemed to me to recommend total capitulation and acceptance of seriously problemmatic and even dangerous behaviour.)

Sorry for essay

Will it work with a stubborn 17 year old who thinks she knows everything and sees it as being patronised every time I try and talk to her about various issues?

Hi Bumper, I honestly don't know!! But I did find the book really useful and sympathetic to both children and parents' dilemmas, if a little hard to get into at first. Funnily enough I wrote the word "stubborn" in my post, but saw in the book the word they used was "inflexible"!

Thanks. I might just give it a go. Otherwise I might throttle her

Soundofthenightingale thank you for that book recommendation. I have an explosive child in DD2 (13). She has very little awareness of what her emotions are really about and all we get is anger - it's the default reaction to any negative feeling, especially feeling vulnerable. She's in therapy for it actually. We fuck them up young in our family. But that book sounds like it might help.

You've all gone quiet! How's it going?

DD is doing BITS of revision (a miracle) but still totally distracted by the horrible bf and his whole crowd of friends, none of whom are at college so have all the time in the world for partying - which she happily joins in with. She wipes out whole weekends with clubbing (apparently it's not called that anymore!), staying up till 4, sleeping the next day then waking up too hungover to do any revision.

However, college attendance has gone up and she is doing some work. She's a good kid really but ugggghhhhhhh - so frustrating!!

Sorry if folk are really struggling with awful stuff and I'm whinging on about revision. I did think of posting in education but they all sound so happy with swotty kids over there!!

Hope you're all ok and no posts is good news!

Same here Peebles. Glad its just not me then."Bits" of revision being done but not enough in my opinion and dd still manages to be socialising every night with friends/bf who are not at college or working. Have we got the same dd?
I can't bring myself to read the stuff on education as they mostly seem to be hard working and motivated and it pisses me off as I am totally jealous.
I was just thinking it had gone a bit quiet on teens. I have been lurking and want to post all the time but I'm just saying the same old things every time and I'm sick of myself, never mind boring everyone else.
Hang on in there and exams will be over in a few weeks, and then I will be back moaning about something else no doubt!

Hi Moët. I like that about having the same DD!! The sun is not helping AT ALL either. Last night she said she was going to stay home all day today and do loads of work. Now she's off with the crowd to have fun in the sun ('I'll do work tonight'). Not that I'd wish this gorgeous weather away of course. She just doesn't seem to get that it's fine for them to party, and that she is seriously out of time re: learning everything. I think she has no sense of time (I keep reminding her!) and a very unrealistic view of how much she can achieve in that time. It's such a shame as only 4 weeks of hard work could make such a difference, but she can't do it.

I do get it - it's such a crap time to do important exams. They're young and just want to have fun. But so many others manage it!! And they can have fun afterwards.

Is your DD doing AS levels? Mines doing A. If AS do they 'count'? If they don't, maybe that's why she doesn't feel the urgency.

I've been lurking daily too, and am also feeling I'm repeating myself!! But don't have any friends irl in the same situ. They all have hard workers.

Keep posting - the solidarity helps me! Maybe we should start an 'Unmotivated teens support group' in education?!

Dd is doing AS levels and tbh they don't really count in her eyes as she is adamant she does not want to go to uni as she hates studying. Does not fancy a job either! But she might change her mind.
She is also out enjoying the sun today and her exams start in one week eeeek!

I am still waiting for dd to come home and do some revision here. Really want to text her and say "wtf are you doing? Get your arse home and do some work". But I don't think it will have the effect I'm hoping for!
Yes we could start an unmotivated dcs thread on education but it might just be me and you posting over there Peebles.
Anyway, the first glass if prosecco is being consumed here so I won't care shortly

Go on start a thread in education. I'll join in so that will be 3 of us

Four of us

Hee hee. Dare me? You'd better back me up mind!! X

Moët didn't answer earlier as I too was drinking prosecco with friends. Hope you enjoyed yours. DD came back about 8 and fell asleep. Brilliant! Another day wasted.

She keeps telling us she's stressed about the exams, but her answer seems to be to bury her head in the sand. DH getting angry, which never ends well as they clash. Roll on end of June!

Less than a week till AS exams. Dd thinks if she does an hour in the library then that's enough! Still out every night. Plus just found out I am probably losing my job! Bugger!

Oh bloody hell that's crap. That's all you need. Hope it's not the case, or you find something else sharpish.

DD doing bits and bobs. Not sleeping coz of stress. Fallen out with best friend. Other best friend going through terrible time and leaning on DD. Drama drama - not what she needs. Never mind.

Keep us posted about the first exam. I bet the teachers are doing lots of revision in class that'll help.

Wtf is going on in my life? I can't believe me and dd are having a conversation by text. She's only upstairs in her bedroom! Sometimes its the only way to communicate without things turning into an argument. Currently she is all woe is me about exams and hating college! Try getting up out of bed every day to work 9-5 I am telling her ( in the nicest possible way of course). Then she will wish she was still dossing around at college!
Its Wednesday night and I have resorted to . When will it end?

Only 4 days until DS's first GCSE exam. He's grudgingly done a bit of revision now and then, so long as I do it with him at least I'm a bit better at maths now

However, this evening I asked him if we were going to do any revision tonight and he said "Yes! P.E." Maybe he's realised that he's not done enough and panic is setting in?

I've also taken a step back from "nagging" him about ANYTHING, and the atmosphere is definitely better. I'm picking my battles and frankly trying to feel that if he fails then he fails. I've encouraged him to work, but ultimately I can't physically make him sit down and revise. That's up to him. It's bloody hard though.

and to us all

I hear you Bumperstickers and Girlandboy. It's sooo hard standing back. DD keeps telling me in warning tones that we mustn't even mention revision coz that just makes her not want to do any. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face! How fecking stupid is that?

I too cannot see how she'll survive the world of REAL WORK. They just don't realise how easy school/college is in comparison. Also, how on earth does she think college will write her a good job reference with her attendance and lack of punctuality?

I know she has issues and I am understanding, but my patience is being sorely tested at the minute! Hang on in there everyone. Her first exam isn't until June 8th, some of you will have finished by then!

Have just slammed the front door on my DD so hard thought glass would break. She is a monster - rude, obnoxious, tantrums, demanding this and that, (I constantly have to remove pads from her dirty knickers – I’m past caring about it) – she’s been like this since she was about 8-9. Started puberty quite early. Every time we ask her to clear up after herself she argues with us and shouts – bedroom is disgusting full of dirty crockery and dust. She never cleans up if she can help it. AND SHE’S 18.
I honestly thought she would have grown out of it by now. OK she’s about to do her A level exams to try and get a place in Uni but so are lots of other kids aren’t they? Why does she have to be so goddamn awful to us? She went out last weekend – got roaring drunk, sick all over her clothes etc. That doesn’t bother me at all – it’s not what she DOES, it’s the way she ACTS with us. I feel so worn down with it all. I used to cry and get upset - we even had a couple of family counselling sessions 3 years ago. DH has given up trying with her – she belittles him and is so dismissive of him. All we’ve tried to do is our best. It sounds awful but I can’t wait for her to go to Uni so we can have a nice peaceful home.
Sorry for rant. Needed to get off my chest.

Droopy, best thing that could happen is that she will go to uni. She needs it to grow up.

I don't know why they have to be just so awful and disrespectful, but they do don't they. Mine is the same. And her room, cave, pit whatever it is, is vile. Tampon applicators and used toilet roll lying about. She reacts in such a negative way to everything. Even asking her if she has any washing is too much for her. She just shouts I DONT KNOOOOOWWWW.

Thanks ticktacktock, its nice to hear someone else is going through it. She was at it again last night. She'd bought a new prom dress and pointed out some shoes to me and asked if I liked them. When I said I wasn't keen on them she went beserk telling me how awful I was...how I always looked so ugly...had no idea about style etc. DH intervened and she turned on him. Asking why he didn't just leave and crawl into a hole somewhere...making fun of his height (she's 2 inches taller than him). Do you know those old photos you see with people supposedly spewing ectoplasm? That's what it reminds me of when she opens her mouth. I have to really fight to keep my temper these days (although have lost it once or twice over the past 10 years). Feel utterly exhausted and have constant tension headache from walking on eggshells.

thankyou for shedding some hope, all at wits end with daughter 15yrs been 18 months of hell and upset, weve had it all, praying things turn round for good soon, we have periods of hope then the lying and crap starts again, finally got to the top of waiting list with CAMHS, hoping phycotheripts can help her , terrified she going from one crisis to another and we are struggling to find anymore emotions left , battered and hurt , wheres our help so we can have the strength to help her , any advise anyone ?