Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Would it be useful if that's the case to get her put on the pill. My sister is 17 and mum found she would get very depressed and self harmed at a particular time of the month. Once on the pill things settled down a lot.

I should probably keep a better diary note of it, but it's def a pattern that we've noticed. I guess I'm hoping she will be able to deal with it better at some point, she's a late starter and only about 6 months in since her first one

Ah bloody hell. Things are great as long as I don't "hassle" dd about anything. I.e don't mention anything about revision, staying up till all hours, being out all the time, tidying room, getting a part time job. Basically anything she doesnt want to do. As soon as I do then we end up having words.
I'm a mug and she's walking all over me but I can't cope with the aggro.
Fed up and feeling sorry for myself

Wardrobedoors

You are not alone. My DS (15) is the same. The only thing different in your list is that he doesn't go out. At all. Because he "has no friends". (Can't imagine why!!)

I'm walking on eggshells in my own home, for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. I am so stupid for being like this, but I've no energy for anything else. I'm tired of being the one who's trying to hold it all together, and I just want to run away. However, that's no solution because then I'd be worrying about what they're all getting up to while I'm not there.

However, I do tell myself it could be worse. At least he's not down the park with the others from his year smoking weed, boozing and shagging. Small mercies and all that.

But I could weep, which in fact I do every day.

Bloody bloody hell

Sorry you are going through this too Maybe. As you can see from the thread you are not alone. My DD has wrecked her room and also we have 3 large dents in the walls around the house where she has thrown things and caused damage. She even pointed out one of these to her friend, which led me to believe she is not even ashamed.

I'm in :(

What time does your 13 year old go to bed? I sent the neighbouring kids home at 9pm and started talking about bedtime for the dss (13 and 10). Ds got really cross and nasty. I sent ds2 to bed but couldnt get a conversation with ds1

My 13 yr old pleases herself at the weekend. On a week night then officially 9.30, realistically 10. ( or later)

The in thing at the moment at school is to have anxiety. It prevents the school from making them do what they don't want to do. The school have ploughed resources into providing rooms etc they can go to when they get anxious. I spoke to a mental health professional who confirmed that nationwide it is a problem. Sorry if I offend any parent whose child does have mh issues, but mine most definitely has not. Although the specialist she did say that she believes that social media is the root cause of lots of problems today for teens.

She plays the anxious card only when I mention anything she doesn't want to do. Never ever at any other time. She said I don't understand and I should have lessons in how to recognise anxiety. I did as she suggested, and even the MH professional said no she can't do all she does and have anxiety. And she does a lot. She's coming it, the minx.

Just catching up reading the entire thread as its making me feel less of a failure with my teen, and more of a mum struggling thru.
And sorry but what does dd, ds etc mean please?..

Oh Who...what awful behaviour from your teen, and I'm really sorry but is it awful that I smiled at the knickers remark??
I have a girl teen (17) and I she now does her own cooking and food shopping bcos of her I can't buy her decent food comments.
Yesterday we had the you can't even use a washing matching properly, bcos some.of her stuff shrinks in the wash, (I swear I don't know how!) So now I have ordered her a laundry and ironing basket...
Sounds good? Just makes me feel like a crap mum. Her whole attitude stinks, basically I don't do anything right.
Isnt getting thru the teenage years... just complete pants :(

dycey33, ds is dear son, dd is dear daughter. dh is dear husband. It's an old internet convention.

Thank you. :)

I'm just trying to take a deep breath and calm down. Dd has just had a hissy fit about something and I want to go and tell her exactly what I thing of her. She thinks about nothing but herself, does nothing for me, is lazy, untidy, entitled etc etc etc
I won't though, because what would it achieve? She would be upset then i would feel guilty and then upset myself as i am supposed to be the adult and the mature one! I am also trying to keep the atmosphere nice in the run up to AS exams in a few weeks. But that's a whole different story!
Funny I was reading the thread about "nice anecdotes about teens" and I just couldn't think of anything to post and that made me sad. I just could not think of anything lovely or sweet she has done lately or even over the past year. Although she did buy me a mother's day gift which was unexpected. And she is probably lovely and caring and sweet with her friends.
I love her to bits and feel so guilty about feeling this way about her but I'm worn down by her.
Dycey you are brave making your dd do her own cooking etc. I'm too soft. But yes its pants! Rant over.

Not a good day it seems. I'm sat here in tears . Disappointed is the word.

A bit heartbroken again today. We have had a good, co - operative 3 weeks with volatile ds1 - I was starting to hope he had got through puberty - but back to square one now with threats of suicide (by means of creative use of power tools) and tantrums. The reason? Asked him to clean up in the cellar after he sanded some wood down (big on diy) and USE the toilet brush.
Thank goodness for wine! Think I may have a sore head tomorrow, though.

Well dd17 is all "woe is me!". Doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. Doesn't want to continue studying but doesn't want a job either. Doesn't think she will be able to cope or will like it! Expects us to support her and dole out money like all the other parents do! No bloody way. I don't believe that they do anyway.
I am sympathetic to how she feels to a certain extent, as I didn't know what I wanted to do when I was her age, but I just went out and got a job. I didn't expect handouts from my parents and didn't make such a drama out if it all.
Dh and I were just discussing the way things are with her and she is just like others have mentioned, totally self absorbed, lazy and all that. I don't think she is going to change in the near future so what do we do? I haven't got the energy for any more arguments as I am tired of being upset. Just ride it out and hope she grows up before too long.
I also had a bit of a cry tonight .
and and to everyone.

What happened Moet? Is it to do with the bf again? Hope you are ok.

Wardrobe, Jinksy and Myhair, ** for you. Chin up. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Looming exams is adding to the stress for sure. Then there's the worry of what happens afterwards - possibly time to get out into the big bad world of work, will they cope, etc. I hear you.

Hi Peebles. Nothing in particular just a build up of everything. Had words again about revision. I can't stop myself from "encouraging" it, which led onto other stuff. I really had to hold my tongue coz if I let rip then I think she would pack her bags and leave.
I had this idea in my head about what life would be like with dd and in reality its nothing like. She is like a lodger in our house who contributes nothing. But I don't want to fight so ......
I'm trying to keep off the on a school night. Roll on Friday

Well if it's any consolation I think there's quite a few of us in the same revision boat. I'm trying to 'encourage' too, but DD is doing the barest minimum possible. I go round in circles feeling totally stressed about her probably failing all A-levels to telling myself it's really not the end of the world. I think it's because of the lack of effort and hence waste of potential - but that's nothing new in the world and I know there's more important things. But it's very hard to avoid the totally stressed days. I'm looking forward to end of exams, but then a whole new set of problems will present themselves.

Another row before bed last night, well a rant at me from dd. Basically the root of it was that we (dh and I) have appently got loads of money so why don't we give it to her? And why would we not allow her to leave 6th form and sit in her back side doing nothing, again giving her money, because there are no jobs she fancies? Really?
Well for a start, she does not lift a finger to help out at home. Might rinse a plate under the tap if she has used one occasionally. Otherwise does nothing and I've given up nagging her about it. She wants nothing to do with me or dh, unless its for lifts or needs something for herself. Spends her entire time at home in her room or on solitary visits to the kitchen to eat.
I'm not expecting to be best friends with her or anything but she just pisses me off with her attitude. Does she not realise that if she was nicer she would get more in return?
And of course I blame myself and feel guilty because she's like this. It must be my fault as I've brought her up this way. But then how come ds is totally different and lovely?
I guess I should count my blessings and just get on with it but it's exhausting.

Just popping in to update a little.

We may have turned a corner. Slowly but surely the DD we had when she was 10 appears to be returning..... She went out with a friend (a boy, but not a boyfriend apparently) at the weekend and said afterwards when I went to pick her up that I could have gone into the fast food place to meet her as I'm not one of those 'embarrassing parents' (high praise indeed). She's eating better (not brilliantly but enough) and often buys a bacon sarnie on her way home with another friend. The bathroom scales are still in hiding (in my wardrobe).

Every so often more and more stuff comes out about her ex boyfriend's behaviour from when they were together (he was definitely emotionally abusive - but I knew that), and she is still ostracized from the group of friends that she had when they were together. Her general anxiety levels are much better.

It's a slow crawl out of hell, but things were so much worse a year ago.

That's excellent Raptor. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction

Anyone got any "lovely anecdotes about their charming teens?". Hell no!
Sorry, just read the other thread and I'm jealous. Where did I go wrong?

None here either. I love dd but I don't like her very much. Hopefully things will change when she grows up and realises what a fucking lazy and selfish little sod she's being.