Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

That is very interesting about your twins BigSandyBalls, it demonstrates how complex these things are and how there are some innate tendencies we have no control over as parents. How frustrating for you but I guess at least you have the evidence in front of you that you are not to blame.

Aaaahhhh!!!! Another awful morning, awful start to the day - it's almost as though they wake up, decide to annoy each other and then take it out on us (the parents). It's not my fault and has nothing to do with me!!

This morning's shenanigans climaxed with a tearful child storming out of the house for school, quickly followed by 2nd child also storming away.

DH had asked DT1 to take some sports vouchers into school, they're collecting them. But oh no, she decides it's too much for her, why doesn't he ask her twin? Answer: it's got nothing to do with your twin, you're here now, I'm asking you.

But her world view is coloured by being a twin, everything is relative and weighed up in terms of "is it fair compared to my twin?" Cute lots of shouting (from everyone ).

Obviously DT2 also refuses to take the bloody vouchers too

Is so easy for little things to escalate in our household, the kids refusing to do small things is a real trigger for DH and probably for me too. Because we feel as though we do so much for them.

DH and I are bewildered as to how we have raised children who behave in such a selfish way!! what have I done wrong?

They can be quite hideous, I honestly wonder at times if they are actually mine. My DD1, has been ditching classes and going into the library to work on her own accord due to drama going on in certain classes which she is involved in, I have to go into school on Tuesday to discuss her progress and behaviour. She can be argumentative and rude. Appears to listen to my advice at times, but them still just goes her own sweet merry way.

I have convinced myself she is going to face suspension. Year 11. Exams staring end of May. She is on her way to a huge mess.

I would never have acted like she does, I hate confrontation yet she seems to thrive on stuff like that.

Totally agree with you ladies in wondering where we have gone wrong.

I'm needing support here. Worrying/frustration over dd almost 17 is taking over my life.
As well as all the other issues with her, just caught her out lying about something and somehow it is turned around onto me. That I am at fault for snooping! Regardless of the fact that she has been blatantly lying to me and seems to do it with such ease.
I asked her about something else lately which she vehemently denied but now I'm not sure I believe her.
Sorry I'm being a bit vague but I don't want to post too much information.
I can't sleep at night as I am so wound up with it all

Myhairisturninggrey - I know how you feel. My ds (17) lies too. He will tell me he has been to music lesson/ driving lesson - both if which he says he is very keen on, pocket the money from me for it and I find out he hasn't been. He will still lie when told I know he is lying and usually then get aggressive to shut down the conversation.
I just keep telling him that a reputation is valuable and fragile and lies will catch him out sooner or later.
No advice really, just sympathy

I know dd lies to me and she is so convincing. It would be so easy to catch her out, eg ring up the friends parents where she is supposedly staying over and check. I am burying my head in the sand a bit and trying to trust that she will be sensible and I've also been made to feel guilty and in the wrong when I've confronted her in the past. How does she turn things round so that I am in the wrong?
She has a nice group of friends and bf (I think they are OK ) so I think/hope they will look out for each other and not do anything too stupid.
But I'm sure she thinks I am a gullible idiot.

Why is it that everything turns into a battle. Dd is always pushing for more. She asks if she can do something and if I say no there are always negotiations and long drawn out texts going to and fro. She always texts! She's always pushing for an extra hour out or another sleepover when she's already been out 3 nights in a row. I reluctantly agreed she could stay over at her boyfriend's ( posted on another thread about this) but she wants to be there more and more. So more negotiations. She just won't take no for an answer so why bother asking.
I am so sick of all the stress and conflict that lately, I have just been agreeing with her for an easy life.
She is another one who i am sure lies to me as she says I am a judgey pants and disapproving so Wardrobe, Jinksy and Myhair you are not alone.
Our relationship is better but I feel like a shit mother. She is almost 17 btw.

You know if a friend or acquaintance spoke to me or treated me in the way dd does sometimes, I would never speak to or have anything to do with them ever again. I know they do it coz they know we love them and they can get away with it but I find it so hard to understand. I never acted this way with my own mum. I would have never wanted to upset her or hurt her in any way. I'm emotionally exhausted.

Wardrobedoors - I know exactly what you mean.
Dh and I have come to the conclusion with ds that he may well end up being given the choice of living at home with no violence, threats of violence or abusive language or finding himself somewhere else to live. He keeps saying how terrible it is living with us so it may be time to put up or shut up. The latter living arrangement would be with gf or in a shared flat.
He will be starting uni in October, has finished school (we live abroad and exams are all finished) and if he decides to move out, he will have to find work to fund himself. He can have the family allowance money we get for him which would cover the cost of a room in a shared flat. Once he starts uni, we will support him but until then , if he is not willing to commit to no violence, he will have to find alternative accommodation as I do not want to live in fear of his outbursts.
I would prefer to have a non-violent ds at home in the family unit and feel terrible for considering alternatives. Might be time for shock tactics, though.
I never thought I would be thinking about stuff like this with my ds. It becomes normal, which I find horrendous.

We had thought he was suffering from depression but the mental health specialist we sent him to assured us it is not, but just a developmental phase (ie xxxl puberty).
It helps to post on mn as I can't really talk that much about it to anyone in rl. I feel ashamed but also disloyal to ds.

I've had my ds1 here a few times over the holidays and each time it's ended up in a row and me taking him back to his dad's. It's almost like he WANTS us to row

So, he's staying tonight as we're going to the Gadget show Sunday. Wouldn't get off the PlayStation, was talking and making a lot of noise, so in the end I unplugged the router. Got called a fat ugly cunt, he's not coming to the gadget show etc. And now, at 2am he's wandering about the house looking for lip cream. I've had enough really. I keep trying to build bridges with him, but he just seems to enjoy being like this

He finally went to sleep at about 3am
So all of us tired today. I took him home to his dad's as he was still being abusive and confrontational - whilst saying he wanted to come to the gadget show

Every time this happens I feel terrible and guilty that he's missed out on a day out. If he'd have come he'd have kicked off at some point, so I can't win, ever

I'm close to just giving up to be honest.

Don't give up. I feel that way sometimes!!! I contacted my GP as things are so bad. I have copied her reply below. She gave me details of an early intervention hub nearby, I called them over Easter and they were so kind and helpful. It's early days and I feel your pain. My son legged it to his dad's last September after what I thought was 12 happy years. But now he tells me he hates me!

*I'm sorry you are having an awful time. It seems that we are seeing more and more parental distress secondary to mental health issues with their teenagers-I don't meant that to minimise your distress but to emphasize that you are not alone

The key is to keep communication channels open and pick your fights -he still loves you but it sounds like he's feeling pretty confused -so stand back and imagine he belongs to someone else -it helps give you some perspective*

Stay strong and do things for you. You will have bad days, God knows I do. But on other days I am much stronger. I'm the adult! I know my son is safe and well with his dad, even if my ex is a git and a control freak!! I send the odd message and don't expect a reply.....but I do hope for one. It's a waiting game, some days now I realise I need to move forwards and get on with my own life for my own mental health....but don't ever give up on him!

Xxx

Thanks for that Givemestrength
I love him to bits, I can't get close to him at all. I try, I think I'm getting somewhere and then he slams it all back in my face
I'm not going to let him abuse me. It's just not going to happen. I hope it's teaching him that actually people don't put up with it, but it's not working. He's 14 you'd think he would have learnt that about me by now

I won't give up, but it's like I expect it now. I don't even get that upset anymore as he goes back to his dad's

Just popping in to say what a huge support this is to me. DD1 will be 15 in a couple of weeks, she just uses us as a cashpoint. She says she cannot wait to leave home whilst taking everything we can give her; thing is I know she is unhappy , she struggles with social anxiety, so I try to show her as much love as I can but in return she is aggressive and demanding. She has a boyfriend who behaves in the same way, they talk about themselves as victims of their parents I think they enjoy wallowing in it, and I know he eggs her on.

She was given nearly £100 for outings this weekend, now that's gone and she knows I can't afford any more for a couple of weeks, she's turned on me. I feel sorry for her, but at her age my mum was dead and I was alone with an alcoholic father.

I don't know, all this and you still have to work and look after other DCs sort everyone else's life out etc! I think that post with the transcript of the GP's perspective was very helpful.

I'm not having a good time at present and feel a bit down. When dd is home, not very much if she can help it, it seems to be that our only interaction is about revision ( lack of), tidying her room which is disgusting and well me just nagging her about something or other. That's no good I know. When she is home she is always in her room and I have to go and seek her out to remind her to do this or that it ask about important stuff. She just sees it as having a go at her.
But if she was around more, and not locked in her room, we could have nice conversations about trivial stuff and my whole time with her wouldn't consist of nagging.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just blathering on!

Sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the minute Moët. I feel like that too sometimes. Things aren't too bad at the minute - but by tomorrow I could be in the depths of despair again! DD will gladly watch TV with me and we'll have nibbles and wine, which sounds great but in reality she's on the phone the whole time! I too feel like I always have an 'agenda' when talking to her. And I too tend to hunt her down in her room. So for the past two nights I've forced myself not to, and to only talk about trivial things. It was ok, though the outcome was the same (no revision!).
Hope things improve for you soon and you have a better day.

Glad you find the thread supportive burning. It's helped me so much not to feel alone and to get some words of wisdom when things are really bad. It's hard when they have anxiety and it comes out as aggression and moodiness. Annoying that the bf reinforces this behaviour, too. But if it wasn't him it would be her friends - they do tend to unite against the common enemy: parents! Try not to take it to heart.
Hope you're having a better day today.

Thanks Peebles. Life just seems to be one thing after another with her and has been for ages. She's just started staying over at bf's as well and wants to be there all the time which is causing friction. I'm not happy about it but can't stop her. I think she's going too fast with it all but what do I know? I'm behind the times apparently.
A night in watching TV sounds lovely but its never going to happen.
And I can't bloody sleep with it all which is fab.

Yes I've been there with the intense bf situation. Ever since she first started staying over at her first bf's at 15/16. Don't know why she has to be so intense - clingy, in fact! Try and detach and look after yourself. You need to get your sleep and stay sane and healthy.

I should probably be starting another thread about this subject but don't think I could cope with the inevitable backlash. I really do think I am doing something wrong by allowing her to sleep over at her bf's. Thats not the right thing to say as im not really allowing but just not stopping her. Stopping her would turn into world war 3 with more arguments and me physically dragging her out of his house.I know I will get slated on here by the more laid back/liberal parents who will say she is old enough to do what she wants at almost 17 but I'm uncomfortable with it. She is so full on with this after quite a short period of time and she is certainly not as grown up and mature as she likes to think she is.
So on top of everything else going on with her, which I won't list as I'd be here all day, I have the worry of her getting pregnant and in my head I would be taking the blame for allowing it to happen. Bf's parents are obviously fine about the situation or she wouldn't be there and sharing his room but I haven't met or spoken to them yet and don't relish doing so. What would I say? Stop letting them sleep over together at your house all the time coz I don't like it? I sound like Queen Victoria!
Just had to get that out as my lovely RL friends and colleagues must be sick of supporting me . I'll get used to it it time.

Just a hand hold Moet. Its a politically correct minefield I feel. Nobody can tell you how you should and shouldn't be feeling about the situation.
Would you feel different if she was older or dare I say it, a boy? I've been accused of having double standards by dd as she says I treat her differently to older ds. And she is right in a way as I think she needs protecting more. And I'll get slated for saying this but that's how it is.

Hi Moët. As you know, I have no magic answer ! Good idea to ask on this thread. People are so much kinder.

With DD, when the bf issue started I concentrated more on her coming home coz she had stuff to do - school work etc, and we liked to see her. Rather than saying I disliked her sleeping there.

Re: pregnancy. I'm afraid I took her to the docs and got the pill. She was unreliable with it so I took her back and she got the implant. And I gave her condoms. Didn't make a big deal - just handed them over. Did the same with DSs. I might be slated for that, and my God I never thought I would do it, but I knew they were having sex and I did not want an unwanted pregnancy.

However, she was 15 during all this so more compliant (though bolshier!). When she was 17 and repeated it all but more intensely with bf no2 I kind of let her go after a few months of rowing about it, and she came home much more after that.

You may find that her bf cools it a bit (bf no1 did) or that his parents get sick of her being round all the time and limit it. Or that it simply fizzles out, as these things often do.

It's very difficult to 'forbid' her at 17. You can of course withdraw privileges. DH wanted to go down that line, but DD would have just moved in with bf, and our relationship may have been ruined. I know also that it's really hard being surrounded by friends with compliant teens. But we're just not all that lucky! Maybe ours are more feisty and will end up changing the world, eh?!

Sorry you're going through this, I know how awful it is

Thank you Peebles. You are very kind and your advice and comments are very much appreciated . It makes all the difference to hear from people with similar experiences.

We adopted a sweet little girl when she was just 3 years. Roll on 14 years and I despise her. Harsh words,.For the last 2 years she's been abusing me,the final straw came after she physically attacked me in Feb. She was arrested and now she lives in supported accomodation.She's changed my live beyond what I thought was possible. I haven't seen her since she attacked me and I really don't want to. If it was a partner that had abused you,there would be help and support available but when it's a child it's very different. I now feel 'happy' that she is no longer living here,I can now relax in my own home without fear and without walking on egg shells. I feel sad for her,for what she has become. It was a gradual slow process of her changing from a lovely person into someone I no longer know.