Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Ah majestic that sounds hard.
I have dd5 as well and do worry about her.
One day she said "if you go on your I pad for too long mummy will say fuck!" hardly my fibest moment.
I have had a headache all day after getting angry last night and being unable to sleep.
Dd just doesbt settke at night and is mooching about for ages.
It drives me mental then shes realy rude when asked to settke down.

if you go on your I pad for too long mummy will say fuck
I love it

Another one here feeling bleak. I really thought DD (17) had moved on from the way she was two years ago. Instead, we had a huge row on Wednesday evening because she couldn't find her boots for CCF the next day. I'd had a really difficult day at work, was relaxing quietly in front of the telly, and she demanded to know what I had done with her boots. I explained I hadn't moved them, but went to check obvious places. I also catalogued everything that had gone wrong for me that day, and she half-listened with a smirk on her face, then said, "Yes, but where I my boots?" She then followed me round the house saying, "Where are my boots, what have you done with my boots you fucking bitch?"

Her boots were at school. I stared hard at them when she was on parade, and she did not apologise for her dreadful behaviour the previous evening. This is the latest in a series of incidents of thoughtless, selfish behaviour (no Mother's Day card or present, not cooking an evening meal when I asked her to) yet she was astonished when I refused to give her a lift into town today. To do so would have been to condone her behaviour. Yet several people have told me that when she was away with school at half term she was delightful: thoughtful, caring, considerate of the younger ones etc. I know that things are serious because I'm not having any - I want my reactions to be absolutely controlled, and even a glass or two would affect that. I'm just absolutely at my wits' end with her. How can she be polite and charming to others, but an utter nightmare to me? XH not on the scene, so I'm alone with her, which makes things even harder.

Good god! I honestly thy think Id swing for any of my kids who spoke to me that badly, well done for not doing so!
Can you totally back off and do nothing for her untill she apolgises.
Do you pay her phone contract? Can you report her phone stolen so they cut it off?
Refuse lifts? Cook for yourself?
It really isn't acceptable to speak to another person like that. Poor you.

Jeanpadget - I so feel for you. My ds (17) experiences hero worship outside the home as he is gifted and sails through school with minimal effort. At home he can be a nightmare with violent, emotional , verbal and physical abuse and endless lies.
No advice, sorry but I have also laid off alcohol to keep a clear head.
I'm told the phase will pass!

Thank you Ledkr and Jinsky. Sorry to hear you are experiencing the same, Jinsky

DD knows that she is in the doghouse, and accepted the lack of a lift very calmly, as though she knew she deserved that. She wouldn't care if I stopped cooking for her, and she mostly does her own laundry. The phone contract is something to bear in mind. I'm certainly going to take a step back and stop picking up odd things when I'm out, thinking "DD would like that". I'm going to be running around after her less in general, too. Her Easter egg (from high-end chocolate shop in nearby town) is also calling to me

I am in the process of sorting out a room that had stored junk, intending to turn it into a sitting room for DD and her friends. She was going to have a big input into choosing the decor - not any more; I'm going to do exactly what I want. I think the most upsetting thing was that I truly believed this phase had passed and she was turning into a nicer person She helped me to load a van recently with junk to go to the tip, and she did it without complaining at all.

Can I just say that the fact she is polite and charming when she is out of the home is proof that you have done an amazing job raising her. She knows exactly how she should behave because you taught her but she is struggling to do that with you at present.

You are continuing the amazing upbringing by refusing the lifts because of her appalling behaviour and she knows it.

Just keep doing what you're doing and she will come back to you with bells on.

My ds1 who can turn on me in an instant, is politeness personified when he stays at others houses. Real yes no Mrs Patterson type stuff!

So at least I know all the teaching him manners etc was worth it. Occasionally I get the benefit of it

Ticktacktock and Dolly thank you for your supportive messages. You are both correct; I must have something right if she is polite outside the home and that is a positive thought to keep in mind. I must admit, in recent days I've been counting the months until she takes her A levels . She's old for her year, so she's currently only in the LVI.

I am choosing wallpaper now - I've just sent off for some samples and I couldn't care less if DD doesn't like it!

Why is every other teenage girl around here so nice, hard working, motivated and likes spending time with their families. Whereas mine is just the opposite.
Just got the latest college report and I want to cry!

There are a few of those round here too. Sickening isn't it.

One of them is dds best mate from primary. Cooks tea for family on her days off from college. Walks dog. Cleans and vacuums. And the worst of it is she keeps her bedroom spotlessly tidy. Voluntarily. Cos she likes it like that.

Where the fuck did I go wrong.

There is an app (free) called 'our pact' which can cut all apps and Internet access to your children's devises (inc phones) for a period of time determined by you. You can set it to a schedule or simply 'block' if you feel they have been told to turn them off enough. It only took blocking once or twice to make mine realise it's better to turn off themselves than be switched off mid game/chat/Instagram post. It's been a godsend for us and you can add as many devices as you like without stopping yourself from having wifi connection. It's very easy and quick to set up too.

sallialli - thanks that sounds good, I'm going to look into it.

To TickTackTock and everyone else thinking "where the fuck did I go wrong". I really struggle with this, and with the self-blame and guilt. But remember there are so many other contributing factors to how a child behaves, not just the parenting. It's easy to blame parents; i.e. ourselves, but there are so many other influences that we could not entirely control, like the child's innate personality, their school, their friends, the extended family and the child's experience of their siblings and their place in the family. Also, its worth remembering that our own parenting style will invariably have been formed by own upbringing, so when we make mistakes and get it wrong this will be predetermined (to an extent) by our own experiences. This is what I try to tell myself anyway. And feeling guilty and inadequate does not put me in a good frame of mind for coping with impossible teens so it's a waste of time beating myself up. We need to be strong.

And for all those kids who seem to be perfect and doing the hoovering, don't count on it. They might well have their own problems which are not known to you and are kept behind closed doors.

Wardrobe I had a great day today with DD (can you detect sarcasm?) Her college said she was doing so badly in one of her subjects they might not let her sit the exam. Great! That's really helpful! So she'll stand zero chance of achieving her uni offers instead of a slim chance.
Yesterday she finished with the abusive, low life boyfriend. Hooray! Today she went back to him. For once we dropped the understanding parents act and told her straight what we thought of him etc (she already knows, but we were extra forthright). So of course she fled upstairs in tears, packed a bag and went to flee back to him. So I cried and asked her not to. What utter shit parenting. Can't help feeling angry with DH who pushed for us to be more forthright. I've told him loads of times his stupid hardline tactics will only drive her away. But I was pissed off with her too and just joined in.
Have made up with her and she's stayed. But I'm just so sick and wish she'd sort her bloody life out. So sick of being understanding and trying to detach and think 'it's her life'. And sick of DH being angry about her.
Rant over! No perfect teens in this house!

Sorry Peebles that you've had such a crap day. Its such hard work pretending that you are OK with all the choices they make. You sound like you are doing a great job of parenting so don't knock yourself, and letting rip and telling a few home truths now and then is a good thing. At least she knows how you feel about the bf.
I am slowly lowering my expectations of dd. I am trying to accept that its her life to mess up and I can't force her to do anything or influence her in any way. She is not at all compliant. Its a choice between constant nagging/arguments and letting it all go and having a pleasant relationship. I drift between the two.

Hang on in there Peebles. It sounds as if dd is getting fed up with the bf. She will come to her senses and finish it for good before too long I'm sure.
Just had words with dd here, hence the late night posting, about college again. She is doing really rubbish in one subject, well below target apparently, but I'm not surprised. She does sod all work. I'm sick of getting into the same old conversation about it. What's the point. She doesn't listen.
Interesting sallialli about the phone app. Not sure it would work on a 17 year old though. I'd have to get the thing off her I'm assuming to install it? And if I started blocking access, there would be a riot!

Thank you wardrobe and mybrain. It means such a lot to have that support and know I'm not alone in this. Much calmer today. Talked with DH and we've agreed to back off etc etc. DD on good terms with us. I've apologised about last night but explained why it happened re: us feeling frustrated. Have promised to back off.

She is getting fed up with bf wardrobe, you're right. But she gets very upset when she tries to end it. She's not happy with him but I think she feels being 'alone' is worse. He really is bad news though - drugs, criminal record, emotional abuse (threatens to kill himself if she leaves, jealous of her friends), he lies all the time, he owes her loads of money, he got her zilch for her 18th birthday. The list goes on!

I've given myself a shake this morning and counted my blessings. A lot of people reading will think: 'what's she moaning about, that's nothing!' Thanks for your kind words though. They help a lot.

Peebles I know that the things I am moaning about are nothing compared to the real problems some people are dealing with. It makes me feel quite ashamed sometimes but helps me put things into perspective and I feel better getting it off my chest, especially to others in the same situation. Where else can I have a rant at midnight or 2 am when I can't sleep for all the stress!
It really does sound as if the bf is on the way out though. Your dd sounds as if she can see he is no good, just needs to be brave enough to walk away. But she'll get there.
You don't need any advice as you are handling things really well, much better than I would be able to. Just come here and have a good moan from time to time, every day if you want. It helps

Thank you.

This is a massive thread so I have not read it all but I am relieved to read that others have had similar issues to us especially with kids being on the internet all night. I posted in a separate thread my situation with my dss but it has been good to read some of this thread too. Big hugs to those going through tough times with their teenagers.

After 10 days of a relatively stable teenager (the calm between storms) we had smashed crockery, threats and insults again today. I hate being scared of my own son but I am when he gets angry.
Small rant over.

Jinsky do you have a partner to hep out? I don't and now ds1 is living with his dad because of that type of behaviour

DH works away from home and is only there at the weekend so I have to deal with ds most of the time.

Hi haven't been on for a bit but all good reading and we all have similar stuff going on. I've had a relitavely peaceful couple of weeks, have stopped giving lifts n money until things improve and it's been fairly peaceful so far!. I'm not trying to say it's the answer tho!.much more peaceful time has to go by!. Wardrobe doors, my DS has had a long term on off relationship with a gf who was manipulating and threatened to kill herself each time he tried to end it. This was when his volatility started.hes not with her at the moment but I know she does her best to keep in contact and the threat is always there.im sure your dd will get fed up eventually she doesn't sound like she wants to be with him but like my DS gf they are manipulating.

Very easy to blame yourself through all this teen trauma and if I'd only had my DT2 then I'm sure I would have thought I'm a seriously shit parent who had fucked up badly, but her twin is the complete opposite despite being born just 3 minutes earlier and having exactly the same upbringing. I've barely had a moments worry with her.

There are def lots of other contributing factors to their bad behaviour. Sometimes when I'm not angry with DT2 I feel desperately sorry for her, she just doesn't find life as easy as her sister, despite never being officially diagnosed with anything.

School hols soon so at least we won't have the trauma of getting her to school, or the endless phone calls and emails home.

Mumsnet is brilliant as no one really understands in real life. Even my best friend recently said "well I simply wouldn't allow any of mine to not attend school, it's not negotiable". Easy as that eh.