Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Sonnet, about homework, I don't check the completion of homework or whether it's been done to a good standard. I decided (long ago) that school can deal with that and if things are not done properly they will flag it up. So if your DD wants to play netball then she needs to work out for herself when to get the homework done and face the consequences if it's not done. This policy relies on DC being sufficiently motivated to do ok at school. But it's one less battle to face at home.

I'm going to try out Koala safe and will report back

Was that a call for technical assistance Ledkr?! You know I only answer to 'muuuuum WHY ISNT THE WIFI WORKING'

Hi, haven't posted before, am literally at my wits end. Have a son of 17,18 in the autumn. Generally ok, usual teen stuff, coming in late / drunk,college a bit sketchy with attendance and effort but I see it as his business.the problem is if I challenge him about anything he will kick off, swear and smash stuff. He's been grounded( previously), charged for damage.ive spoken to him about it being horrendous to be around but also the damage it does to our relationship.He rarely apologises, I'm seriously worried. He'll be 18 soon not only is it bad for all concerned but he's not listening and I'm worried he's going to take this into his adult life. I'm gutted and it's not getting better.

Zumbamamma - I have no real advice but you are not alone! My ds is similar. I find his behaviour embarrassing and no longer talk to friends in rl about it as I feel they cannot understand as they have easier teenagers and his behaviour reflects badly on me. I am struggling to cope.
I hope so much it will pass. I see him as "the very angry teenager" - like the "very hungry caterpillar" At the moment the day that the caterpillar eats so much (= teenager does/says so many nasty things) keeps repeating itself but I sincerely hope that one day he will emerge from the cocoon (= xl puberty) and be a beautiful butterfly (=adult).
I just try to keep calm , detached and explain rationally why certain things (verbal abuse, lying, violence, absolute lack of respect, intimidation) are not ok. Not much seems to have gone in yet, although he hasn't hit/kicked me this year yet.
Not very helpful, I know but you are not alone!

If anyone has any tips on how to deal with such teenagers (mine is 17), please share them. Or on how to stay sane when living with one without hitting the bottle!

Jinsky, thank you, nice to know it's not just me. No,mine is not personally violent either, I don't think I could cope with that.i also don't share my experiences with friends etc, way too embarrassed.tuff stuff, glad of these websites

My son's last violent outburst was just before New Years Eve- a vicious kick which left me with a bruised leg. We talked about it later and I was very worried when he said it wasn't his fault he had kicked me. A talk about not blaming your victims and anger management ensued and there has been no violence aimed at me since then.
I find myself having to discuss stuff like this with him that I never thought I would have to talk about with my children. It breaks my heart!

People/ services are telling me to lay ground rules and explain that if they break them then they are no longer welcome to stay in our house. I'm finding either situation impossible, if he leaves I'll be gutted and feel like I've failed, alternatively I cannot cope with the aggression/ disrespect.

I had to ask my ex to have ds1 as I just couldn't live with the violence. Or the stress and constant arguing. I had to consider ds2 as well as it wasn't fair in him either.

It broke my heart but it was for the best I think, we are on edge whenever ds1 stays even now as he's so unpredictable. I can and do say no to him staying, especially if he's been nasty on the last visit.

I have no advice really, I'm consistent with my approach though and he knows that I won't tolerate bullying or violence.

Dollytwat,
Thank you for that, it's what I need, my other half has been saying it for a while. For now I have withdrawn all of our support, lifts, money, phone contract. On the flip side there are younger children in the house and its most definitely having an affect on them and my and my other halfs relationship, the pressure and stress of the next row is constant. I'm teaching him nothing by putting up with it.

jinksy at 17 he really should be asked to leave if he assaults you!
That really is domestic violence and would be treated as such by the police.
I'm training extensively in child to patent violence in two weeks and am hoping to be able to move I to this field privately as I can see what a huge problem it is for our society.
You are certainly not alone.
Can you keep communications going while he's in this calmer phase? Get a feel for whats in his head?

I do guiltily think it would be best if he moved out but feel like a failure for thinking this and where would he go?
I also often feel that to move forward I should forgive and forget - fresh start and all that. I started today feeling very positive but things went downhill quickly. Ds and I had a meeting with the headmaster at school to arrange some stuff uni related. Ds asked me to go with him. I asked him on the way there if he had had a look at all the forms school needs to fill in - had mentioned to him last week he should. He hadn't. I said it was a little foolish not to have done so - very calmly, I promise. School is unfamiliar with the admin stuff for uk unis as we live abroad so it is up to ds/me to explain what information ds needs from them.
The reaction? The usual insults and the charming suggestion that I should go jump in front of a train.
Oh well, university starts in 7 months and then he will have moved out anyway.
Writing this stuff down helps . Sorry if I am rambling.

I think our young generation are very immature, especially as we have them at home for much longer. I never thought things would end up like this for me and my family.as much as I love him, ground rules are to be set this weekend with tougher implications for verbal abuse and damaging property, it cannot go on.i am worried for him as he is immature but he's nearly an adult.

What consequences do you have or do you want to have and do they work?

DD2 (13yo) said she wouldn't go to school today. She was really really miserable. She has been dumped by all her friends and is being isolated. Teenaged girls are so mean to each other . She has finally gone in now.

I had already flagged up with school that she was really miserable a few days ago, but no help or support was forthcoming and no teacher spoke to her, so of course the situation has escalated. I feel quite cross because now school are being quite arsey about her turning up late. If there was a teacher being kind to her and supporting her when I alerted them, it might never have got to the school refusal stage. Grr.

We have had damage to property from DD2. A smashed bowl. A dent in the wall. Broken door handles. A hole in the door. Verbal abuse and swearing too. I have been hoping she would grow out of it for quite some time. She loses her allowance, which in theory means the damage can be paid for. I have no idea if this works as a long term incentive to not do it. In that angry moment nothing seems to matter because she is not thinking.

I'll type out some of the stuff from the Ppp course when I get the book back - there's a section on how to diffuse your teen when they fly off the handle. It does work as well. When I remember to use it obviously!

It's about stopping and watching abd listening to them, to try and assertain why they are so angry/upset.
Great idea in theory but hard to do Id imagine.

Dolly, thanks I will look forward to hearing about that.

Hi all.
On te topic of homework I never force/make/nag any of mine about doing it. I'll ask once have you got any homework to be done? And leave it at that. If the don't do it it is them that have to face the consequences not me. So they need to be responsible for it.
Zumbamamma I understand what you going through ds has broken many things in the house, he has never threatened or hit me but has his siblings and his dad. As for people and agency s saying to lay ground rules and if they break them as them to leave. But it's not that simple. I've done that but the support ds got from social services was crap. That have been paying for B&B for him but he refuses to stay in them. He says they are full of drug addicts and criminals, they at first were giving ds money for food but after the valium incident they stoped that so he hasn't had any money for food or food from them. He has been staying with different friends. Last weekend he was very unwell with gastroenteritis and a chest infection and we had him back home. I didn't get to speek to his social worker until Thursday. Had he been I. the B&B no one would have supported him, or looked after him over the weekend. No one would have know. I Dread to think what state he would have ended up in. As I was he hadn't been staying where he was supposed to for nearly a week and no one seemed bothered to find out where he was. When I spoke to his social worker Thursday, 6 days after being unwell. She asked then did I know where he was. I had tried to contacted her several times since Monday morning. They knew he wasn't at the B&B and had made no attempt to find out where he was, considering he is supposed to be in their care. Had he been in our care and disappeared for 6 day and I had tried to find him, I think some question would be asked, and probably by the social workers.

I am happy to say that from last Friday to this Friday all has be great. Ds has been at home without any weed, and any incident. Admittedly he spent until Monday on the sofa only getting up for the loo.on day he got up to go to Dr for antibiotics. Tuesday was another day on the sofa, Wednesday he started to perk up, Thursday he was getting back to his normal self and Friday decided to lie to me about where he was going and went for a few cans with some friends. Then had the cheek to tell his dad when he came back that I knew where he was going and what he was doing. His dad kicked him back out. He went to my parents for the night. I said he could come back today till Monday when he can contact social worked, but I'm not happy about him going back to B&Bs again. So will now probably have an argument with dh when I say I'm not kicking him out for that. My kicking out offences are damanging property, violent behaviour and drug taking. He didn't break those, although I'm not happy with what he did. I do think eh over reacted but he had no tolerance for ds anymore and I did warn ds that as soon as he did something wrong dh would be kicking him back out.
Oh well that me for now, got to get back to work. Good luck all and stay strong xx

Happy. mothers day to you all. Your doing a great job in difficult circumstances and all deserve a pat on the back,, , and some xxx

Foxy 6, thank you for your story, very difficult circumstances for you. It seems you've not had a great amount of help. My ds1 has maturity issues that are going into his adult life, I feel, if we don't give a hard stance now I don't know what will happen. He now has no financial support or lifts from us due to behaviour( swearing at us and smashing things). This is not acceptable in an adult world and cannot be tolerated. we are hoping if he gets work it will help him grow up and things will improve, we have said there will be no support ( lifts etc) until things improve. We have offered family counselling to help us all with this difficult time. We are hoping he won't end up moving out, but ultimately it's his journey depending on the decisions he makes.happy Mother's Day!, we've earned our stripes!!! Xx

I can't cope with this anymore. How have we fucked up so badly? Dd2 is totally unhinged and out of control. Screaming at us and saying she hates us. Dd1 is struggling with her mental health and doesn't seem to be getting better. They resent each other. Dd3 is no doubt on the fast track to serious issues herself witnessing all this. I have had enough. How am I supposed to deal with all this?

Sorry to hear that majestic. Are things any better today? Is she still going through a hard time with friends at school, perhaps (no excuse I know, but possibly exacerbating things). Did you have any luck with the parenting sessions with CAMHS? Hang on in there, you're doing all you can. I have one DD (2 DSs, no bother). I can't imagine the hell of my DD X3! She's currently upstairs taking as long as possible to go to college, though I'm just grateful she's going in. for you.

Thanks for replying Peebles. Things feel pretty bleak today to be honest. DD2 has gone to school. She was late, but at least she's gone. She was really abusive to a school friend over social media last night and told us about it and then she had a big meltdown. Screaming and crying and telling us she hates us. You're a terrible mum etc. You are both fucking cunts etc. She's completely out of control. DH thinks there is something "really wrong" with her, i.e. a mental health diagnosis. I don't know but I am in despair. We told her to apologise to the other girl and it seemed to get sorted out. And this morning she is acting like I have done something wrong .
DD3 (5yr) was kicking off and being awkward and unpleasant this morning and I am sure she is copying this behaviour from DD2. DD1 just carries on being depressed, although she doesn't seem obviously down to me, but she says she doesn't think CAMHS is helping her.
Our parenting sessions haven't started yet and we haven't heard any more about it since it was agreed.
It doesn't feel like things can get much worse, so perhaps they will get better? Have a peaceful day everyone.