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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

975 replies

Ledkr · 27/11/2015 09:01

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far Smile

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Jinsky · 25/02/2016 20:48

Not that I know of!

Peebles1 · 26/02/2016 08:33

Hi. Haven't been on here for a week but been reading the posts about removing phones. DD now almost 18, so leave her to it. However, we used to confiscate it at about 11 for all the same reasons listed on here, and she recently told me something rather interesting. We charged it on the floor outside her room, so she knew we weren't snooping. She became so compliant she would just pop it out there herself. 'What great parents we are' we thought! Not so - she used to wait till we were asleep then go and get it, or place it upside down but only actually leave the case with the lead placed underneath while the actual phone was still with her, or remove the SIM card and use her old phone. The little minx!!! We had no idea! Thought I'd better give you all a heads up. And yes she'd be up till 3/4 am having a 'drama'.

Peebles1 · 26/02/2016 10:12

By the way, I meant 11pm not age 11!

Ticktacktock · 26/02/2016 10:50

When needs must Peebles!!!! The lengths they will go to.

My dd is allowed to keep her phone in her room now. She doesn't have any data for about 28 days of every month, and WiFi goes off at 9 30 on school nights, so hope that puts paid to any shenanigans into the night. She did wake me up again at midnight though last weekend, having a hands free convo with some boy.

Peebles1 · 26/02/2016 10:57

D'you know we never even thought of switching off the wi-fi. Which is weird coz DH is a proper techie.

I know what you mean about the hands free conversations! She's in the room right next door to us and the walls are paper thin!

Ticktacktock · 26/02/2016 11:53

We have 2 WiFi Peebles. The kids goes off and ours stays on. Sneaky.

Jinsky · 26/02/2016 19:22

Ds (17) caught lying again. When i called him on it, he reacted with shouting, door slamming, insults but also threats of violence. All very intimidating. He is the only person who has made threats of violence or inflicted bruises on me in my entire life.
Feels good to write this down. I feel too embarrassed to talk to my rl friends about it.

Ticktacktock · 26/02/2016 22:03

Is it serious lying Jinksy, or trivial stuff? Do you think he's embarrassed to be caught out lying which is why he reacts like he does?

Jinsky · 27/02/2016 07:22

The lies were about smallish stuff that snowballed with lies to cover the lies. He is no doubt angrier with himself for being caught out but his anger came my way.
The extreme reactions are scary and the initial lie was completely unnecessary.
He gets himself caught up in a web of lies and must get really frustrated trying to find his way out again. It doesn't make it easier for him with a Mum whose lie radar works far too well!

2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2016 09:08

Me please. 16 and 17 yo dds and am starting to question everything I've ever done .....

2sugarsandadog · 28/02/2016 09:10

Blush oops, just realised this is it! Will have a little read later .....

DollyTwat · 28/02/2016 13:59

Can't believe I've not been on your thread before now Ledkr!

My ds1 went to live at his dad's last year as his behaviour towards me and ds2 was out of control. Most doors have been kicked in at some point, I now have a safe for my valuables so he can't steal anything, but it had got to the point that I was going to work in tears and every night I'd go to bed the same way. After me and ds2 had to barricade ourselves in my bedroom I had to send him to his dad's.

So he comes to stay over quite often, but I've had to say no during the school week, as he'll be shouting and being abusive til gone 2am. So the last time he stayed he was fine up until bedtime. For some reason he always kicks off at bedtime. He shut himself in his room and played loud music til about 1am. I couldn't get in the room without being injured

So, it was my birthday Friday and we went out for a meal, he was invited but I said best not to stay as I didn't want to fall out with him. He was lovely, polite, chatty - the boy I miss so much. He asked to stay last night so I said ok, I avoided any arguments last night and we all had a cuddle in my bed this morning. Then he decided he was going to torment ds2 (his birthday today). On and on, calling him a faggot etc. Then started on me with the inadequate birthday present I'd given him (an iPhone 6) that he wanted a 6+ and he'd added up present values and thought I'd spent more on ds2

I just don't know how to avoid it with him. It's almost as if he realises he's having a nice time and has to spoil it

Original poster
Ledkr · 28/02/2016 16:48

Oh god! Sorry mate!
What is it with him never being satisfied no matter what he gets?
Id definitely memories this inccident for christnas.

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Original poster
Ledkr · 28/02/2016 16:50

On reflection Id take the sodding phone as it's not good enough for him!

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MajesticWhine · 28/02/2016 17:59

DD2 is shouting and swearing (in front of her little sister) and throwing things around the house. She wanted a loan of money because she has lost her debit card. We said no and she lost the plot. We just don't know what to do. We have almost run out of punishments. She's already grounded and lost her allowance. I've had enough.

Original poster
Ledkr · 28/02/2016 19:03

Can you leave the house and remove her audience?
I've just tried to discuss Dds options which have to be in tmw.
Don't know why I bothered, should have remembered that she knows everything!

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DollyTwat · 28/02/2016 21:44

When she gets dressmaking and woodwork she can't blame you!

I know you'll probably think I did the wrong thing, but when I worked it out he was right that I'd spent more on ds2. So I gave him the difference. That's one line of attack he can never use and he can see that I will admit if I'm wrong

However I've spelt it out that the way he did it was very hurtful, that I'd only tried really hard to afford what he wanted and it was spoilt and ungrateful to be like that to me

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 15:23

jUst signing in. Gosh some of you really do have some stuff to "manage" - I take my hat off to you all and certainly don't feel confident enough to advise you.

DD2 not "too bad" at the moment - won't get complacent though!

westcoastnortherneragain · 29/02/2016 15:59

If you have Internet issues I highly recommend netsanity, you can turn off access to the Internet at certain times for different devices

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 21:33

Had a shit evening.
Am I too soft?
Stays on at school tonight to do some netball coaching so late back. Watches Tv, refuses to do homewurk. Eventually after lots of nagging does a crap piece of homework as them complains tired etc...
Should I refuse to let her stay late on Mondays?
Should I turn to off ignoring her tantrums?
DH thinks I should (he is not around early evening due to work)
My reaction has always been that she will kick off so no work will be done. His answer was that tip toeing around her dosnt help either as nothing done tonight.
He wants to come down hard on her - if she dosnt get up then she misses school and she is grounded at the weekend. If she dosnt do all her homework to an acceptable standard then ditto. We live very rurally so without us taking her she can't go anywhere.
Any views - softly softly isn't working so what have we got to loose?
It is not helping that school are clamping down on make up so she has announced she is not going to school in the morning. My stomach is churning at the thought of trying to get her into school tomorrow morning. DH is saying wake her up as normal, remind her of the time and if she isn't ready then I should just leave for work.
We can't go on like this -

foxy6 · 29/02/2016 22:29

hi all just an update for anyone interested lol.

i found out on Thursday that the out of hours social worked found ds a B&B in a different town, 21 miles away, on wednesday night. this was after she had a go at dh, telling him we had a responsibility to ds and they had no where to put him for the night. dh refused to have him at home due to the fact he had been taking drugs and his behaviour would be unpredictable. he told them we had a duty to ensure the safety of our younger children.

i phoned his social worker on thursady about the B&B problem and according to her the owner said someone called mike phoned and cancelled ds's room. she said they have no one called mike working there and suspects one of ds friends phoned and cancelled his room as he doesn't want to stay there. the owner of that B&B no longer wants him there as he is causing to many problems, so he was supposed to stay at the other one 21 miles away.

ds walked the 21 miles back here thursday and turned up at the door. his nan had reported him for stealing her £20 earlier that day so the police came and picked him up for questioning. i told them where he was supposed to be staying, but after charging him the took him to his friends for the night. the felt he was at risk of leaving the other place and that would leave a 16yr old walking the streets at night and they would have to go look for him.

friday resulted in another trip to the hospital. i was working all day and he went to my parents and told them he didnt feel well, so my dad took him to see DR who sent him to the hospital. they said he had gastroenteritis. so he has been here with us all weekend and quite unwell. but on the plus side he's behaviour has been great lol. so ive spent all weekend nursing him. we went back to GP today and had antibiotics. he has to also go back for a repeat blood test friday as his blood sugar was up.

oh such fun.

Ticktacktock · 29/02/2016 22:38

How old is she sonnet? Why can't she get up in the mornings? What are your rules with devices?

Mine will do anything for her phone.

Sorry you're having a hard time with it all. They are so bloody trying.

DollyTwat · 29/02/2016 23:42

I do recommend the triple Pcourse if anyone has access to it. It's not easy to introduce with an older teen but it gives you a sense of control and strategy

It's working very well on ds2 who's 11 and has helped me when dealing with ds1 to keep calm

Sonnet · 01/03/2016 07:28

TickTackTock she is 15. We leave home at 7.30 so it is an early start. Don't have a problem sending her to bed as she takes herself off at 9.30. Yes she does have her phone in her room (wish I'd been firmer years ago) but when I check on her at 10 to 10.30 she is always asleep! She was asleep by 10.15 last night. She got up on her own at 6.45 this
morning without being promoted and we are just about to leave - still wearing make up so will let the school have that battle!

Will look up the triple P course Dolly thank you.

So sorry you are going through all this Foxy Flowers

Original poster
Ledkr · 01/03/2016 07:40

I'm loving that netsanity!!
I shall get my assistant to look into it for me

DOLLY !!!!!!!!!!!

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