Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

oh well the police have just carted ds off again. he turned up wanting to stay the night. he looked rough as hell. he needs a good bath, change of clothes, some food and a bed. i said no. it broke my heart to but he has to know he cant come a steal form us one day then turn up asking us to trust him and let him stay. he had somewhere to stay and chose not to stay there. he wouldn't accept no and climbed over the back wall and came in the back door. dh then trying to get him to leave accidental pushed him into the door frame. he said sorry straight away. ds called the police to arrest dh for assault, the police lady has dealt with ds a few time now and knows us lol. they said it didnt sound like assault and anyway we are aloud to use reasonable force to remove someone form the property who has forced their way in. ds didnt like it that the police wernt going to do anything and started on them so they took him away with them. :(
i feel so torn and heart broken. he looked dreadful, but i know by letting him stay wouldn't change a thing.
i dont know what to do for the best half the time xxx

foxy I went through the same with my DS.
I still have guilt fifteen years later at the memory of not letting him in.
I just had no choice. He nicked and sold anything that wasn't nailed down.
It was one drama after another and I was pregnant with dd.
I had drug dealers knocking at my door and professionals suggesting we just have him home.
It was a nightmare time.
He is 31 now and settled but still a weed head and can't keep a job for long.
It's very sad.
I have no advice just sympathy.

I am feeling a bit annoyed with dd. She really is like a hotel guest. Apart from the fact she is out all the time, when she gets in we get a quick hello then she disappears off to her pit. She is so wrapped up in herself she just couldn't give a shit about us. As long as she's having a good time with her friends then everything is fine in her world.

I read somewhere else that one of the other mums used to hover around her dc. I am in danger of doing this too, just to try and have some sort of relationship with her.

But I am a bit pissed off with her being so bloody selfish all the time and I'm going to be childish and keep away from her. She can come and find me when she wants to. Tbh though I don't even think she will notice.

And when she comes and asks for a lift, I will say no. In my head I'll be saying no but if course I will do it!

So there. I am stamping my foot!

You sound like you are having a bad day Bahamaramaangry] Poor you. DDs can drive you mad, I know it all too well! It's Friday - drink lots of Then you CANT give her a lift, that'll teach her. When she comes to find you just tell her you're getting pissed

My angry face went wrong!

I'm gonna be following this thread. My lovely pre teen (11) seems to have turned into 1 big hormonal mess. Any advice on how to handle shouty/crying/hugging/screaming all in a space of 5 minutes girls much much appreciated

Ha ha. Yes Peebles. I'm not feeling too well and feeling a bit sorry for myself.

She's upstairs now and I usually go and ask if she has eaten etc but not today. I'm a rebel mother

girlandboy just checking into this thread after a week or so away, and really feel for you all but in a bit of rush today, not much time to read threads properly , sorry. Just wanted to say I think you are doing the right thing when you say ;

I've just been up to DS's room to take him a drink because he's got a cough, and I gave him a little hug and a kiss. He looked at me suspiciously, but let me do it. DH would say I'm too soft. Maybe so.

And maybe not, you're just being a loving mum and you sound lovely. You are having a horrendously stressful time and I think it would be good for you to see your doc. Hugs , don't know what else to say, hang in there.

stablemabel Thank you for your kind words. You brought me to tears by saying what you did. Thank you x

I also think I probably ought to see my doctor too, but I know what DH will think! He'll think that I ought to snap out of it and pull myself together. I do tend to overthink things, but I find it hard not to. It's just how I am.

All is calm in the girlandboy household at the moment, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I had 47 years of that with my mother, I sure as heck don't need it in my own house now too. DH and DS are grudgingly talking to each other (one word answers etc) but it's still not nice. Bloody men!

Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you all. And

allthingsred

The key thing I've found is to let her get on with it and to keep an eye on the calendar I distinctly remember at that age, one week a month all we had to do was breathe or look in her direction and it was enough to set her off (things have calmed down now, but I think it took 6 months for either her hormones to level off or for her to figure out how to deal with the mood swings). Oh, and although it maybe aimed at you, it's not really about you. Detach, detach, detach.

Update in the Raptor household, right now, at this minute, things are OK (we don't seem to go a week without some kind of drama) We had parents evening recently, DD is doing well academically (never been an issue, but she would have us believe she's failing everything) she has a good work ethic, and is well liked by her teachers (not that she believes that). One teacher did note that she seems so much happier this year than last year, which makes me happy in that it is true, but sad in that she was so miserable last year that it was noticeable (if you see what I mean). We have come a long way in the last 6 months (I wouldn't go back to how we were a year ago for all the money in the world). Fingers crossed it lasts

Feeling very fed up that things seem to have gone backwards for us just lately. DS was happy, easy going and friendly until he hit 16 and his GCSEs turned him into an angry, stressed and anxious recluse ( luckily he still managed to achieve quite good results). That year was possibly the worst year of my parenting life and I found I had patience I really didn't know I possessed.
He's 18 now, has done very well in college and has just been offered a place at his 1st choice Uni in Sept. He has been with his lovely girlfriend for 16 mths and is well liked by his friends and relatives but when he is with us he can still be very rude, arrogant and self righteous. Unfortunately he has been unwell over Xmas and has recently been diagnosed with IBD - he is on permanent meds and has been on steroids for 6 wks and these seem to have turned into even more of a Jekyll and Hyde than usual.
I feel worn down by his unreasonable behaviour, one minute he's affectionate, caring etc the next he's angry, impatient and shouting. My DH has taken him out to see a comedian tonight, tickets that I brought them both for Xmas presents (what a stupid idea that was). He said this morning he didn't want to go and because I got upset and said I was fed up with his "can't be arsed" attitude now he isn't speaking to me at all, because everything is obviously always my fault - though he has gone tonight but obviously under great sufferance. Now he has to go outside and have a laugh instead of on-line computer gaming with his mates - how awful I must be ....

Sometimes I feel as if I hate my daughter. I feel as if I can't forgive her for what she's put me through over the past six years - she is now 17. She is violent, emotionally abusive, spiteful and hate filled. She delights in tormenting her younger siblings physically and gains huge satisfaction from making me cry. I am afraid of her and dread coming home at night - dh works evenings.

Example is this evening. I came in and greeted her pleasantly. She shouted, smiling, that she was in a really bad mood. She then followed me around building up tension by giving me filthy looks then smirking to herself as there is nothing she likes more than ratcheting up the tension to unbearable levels till I crack. This time she snatched ds 4 toy and made him cry - a favourite tactic. I said 'for gods sake!' And she contorted her face into the most hateful spiteful expression and mimicked me in the nastiest voice. This happens daily and feels like emotional abuse.
She never goes out, sits in her room eating and watches TV. She has no ambition or interests and few friends. She is set to leave school with no qualifications and doesn't care, she says she just plans to live at home forever. I am going to have to arrange for her to get her own flat and pay for that when she turns 18 this summer as she will not get a job or go to college, I just need her out of this house as I am so close to a breakdown. I am counting the days till then.
When she was born I did not think I could love her more, and now I just feel nothing. I don't think our relationship can recover from this, she has made my life a daily hell for years.

Glad to help if I can girlandboy, we all seem to have been/are still going through such a piss poor time on here with teens that I think we all need to hold hands through it. Know exactly what you mean about your DH, sounds like a typical man sounds a bit like mine, I think being 'soft' with them is letting them get away with poor behaviour whilst pandering to them , not being kind to them if they are unwell!

Raptor know exactly what you mean about the hormones, my DD 14yr is now on Well Woman form Boots, just to see if it helps!!

Salsamad sympathies to you and sorry to hear your son has been poorly but you say a lot of good things about him which you need to cling on to!! Tut tut for buying him tickets to go out and enjoy himself really . I'm sure you are doing a great job and have done for 18 yrs.

Darrow,it's tough to know what to say to you, just want to give you a hug at the min. Have you ever had any professional opinion on your daughter as to what could be causing this behaviour. You say she has some friends so what are they like and what is she like with them, and how is she with her tutors? I hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for you, she is still young at 17 and though you've been through years of hell you never know in a couple (or less!) of years to come she might 'come out of the other side'.

Poor Darrow. How awful for you. What is dh doing about this. I would seriously think about asking her to leave if this continues for much longer. And don't even think about paying her rent to get her out. I know she is your daughter but this is not acceptable. Is there anyone who you can talk to who may be able to offer some advice.

Oh the night gets better here. Just picked dd up. I had a last minute request for her to sleep over at her friends house but I refused as she has been ill with a fluey type thing and I wanted her home. She was slurring a bit and is clearly a bit drunk and admitted drinking vodka when she was out at a gig tonight. One of her idiot older friends was buying them for her. The fucker! She has only just turned 17! At least I hope it was only drinking they were doing.

She is very apologetic and shamefaced but it has put my trust issues back a fair amount. She makes a big thing about not lying to me but she's been caught out. I choose to give her the benefit of the doubt most of the time (head in the sand type scenario) but I know she is not an angel

Obviously I know they drink from time to time, I certainly did, but she has been telling me she does not drink anymore as she doesn't like the taste of it or the hangovers.

I told her to post on Twitter or whatever it is they do that I am on the warpath so her friends will know. .

Just another jewel in the life of a teen

Thanks all. I feel I can't just throw her out though so planned to set her up with a room in a flat and advise her we will pay for the first say six months then she's on her own.
Dh has hopefully managed to change his shifts from end feb so he'll be around in the evenings, she hates him more than she hates me so tends to stay out of everyone's way when he's home.
I did get counselling for dd last year but she refused to go again after two sessions even though the counsellor seemed great - dd just sneered about the whole thing. Never had a diagnosis but I think in my own unprofessional opinion she has some kind of personality disorder. She is sadly very similar to my sister who behaved like this and who now at 35 is estranged from our family as she was so awful to be around. She's morbidly obese, lives alone and just sits in her flat feeling bitter and angry at the world. Though she always had a work ethic at least so has a job. Really fear for dd that this is her future, or worse.

Ps Mabel her behaviour at school has always been fine, v lazy but not bad. Her friends are all from primary school, they're all sweet girls but have left her way behind in terms of maturity as they have boyfriends, socialise, and have plans for after school ends!

Darrow, sorry to read about what you're going through. If she behaves ok at school and can get along with others then there is some hope, because it means she can control herself. She probably feels terrible about herself to project such hatred onto everyone around her. I have heard some stories about horrible teenagers coming good in the end, so don't give up hope. But glad you have plans to help her move out. Because you shouldn't have to put up with the abuse.

Can I please join the 'stressed mum of a teen' group?

Ds is nearly 16. Also have DD who is nearly 11.

Ds wants to go paintballing today for his friend's birthday. Agreed to it on the provision that he changes his skanky bed, makes enough room on his bedroom floor for me to actually stand on it and I'm given the boy's mum's mobile number.
He's due to leave in two hours. Nothing has been done yet. I've been asking for a week

He can be utterly lovely, he really can but jeez does he stress me out.
It's the laziness and rudeness that gets to me. Oh and the lies, sneakiness ...........
I think it's a clever ploy from Mother Nature to allow us parents to cut the apron strings

I agree rainbow! When they're small you want to hold them close forever and by the time they're teenagers you can't wait for them to leave home!! Well in my case anyway!

Thanks Majestic, I can only hope with time she might turn out ok!

Darrow I wanted to echo what majestic said, these things (behaviour at school and the friends) mean there is some hope there. I just wonder what her hormones and diet are like, have you looked into this over the years? I started DD 14 yrs on Complete Woman as she was so horrendous at certain times of the month (and very hard work anyway). I am glad you are getting something in the way of support with DH's shifts.

Rainbowstar makes enough room on his bedroom floor for me to actually stand on it ha ha, yes with you on that, I have often longed for the superpower ability to HOVVER which I could then deploy when entering the kid's bedrooms so I'm not at risk of breaking my neck or doing my back in.

Hope you are ok today girlandboy, thinking of everyone on here

And now I've come out in hives. Stress? Can't think of anything else it might be!

Fantastic

So .... I asked DS to change his skanky bed, clear at least standing room on his floor and to give me his friend's mum's number before he went paintballing.

As the song goes ..... 2 out of 3 ain't bad.

I still can't stand on his floor but hey ho.

Funny things is, he came home from his day out and announced he'd been invited out to dinner with them. Fine. He said friend had gone home to shower and change. Suggested he do the same. He agreed.

He then sat there and sat there and say there ...... constantly on his phone.

I mentioned a couple of times (didn't want to appear to be nagging) that he should go for a shower and check if anything needs ironing.

He eventually went upstairs. Came down about 20 mins later to iron his shirt - he clearly hadn't showered. I told he that he MUST shower because he's thick with mud from paintballing and he said it would be MY fault if he was now late!!!!!

Give me bloody strength!!!!

I get very similar raindrops. 16 yr old DS addicted to phone to the detriment of all other activities.Constant battle to make him do things like homework and he is so strong willed, determined to do what he wants, rather than take my good advice. Wears me down. Teenagers!

Dd is worryingly phone addicted.
She only got hers back yesterday and I told her this was dependent on her handing it over at night with no fuss.
So come 11pm I sent her a text to say that we were coming up soon so she needed to say goodbye to her mates etc.
At 11.25 I asked for it, was told NO. So I walked away saying "that's fine" insinuating the phone would be confiscated as discussed.
Well she went bloody mad.
Wailing as if she'd been stabbed, shouting at the top of her voice.
Dd 2 is in the next room asleep, she was acting like an addict who has had their stash confiscated.
I just cannot stand it.
Life is much calmer when she has no phone.
I was literally anxious last night knowing it was time to take it.

I cannot let her keep it as she literally has no self control.
I allowed her to keep it in the xmas hols and she was still up, dressed and on face time at 4.30 am.
Same at weekends.
I wouldn't mind if she was led in bed in her pjs just texting but she's just in full daytime mode.
She gets migraines and extreme moods if she doesn't sleep.
No idea how to solve this one.