Anyone want a mum of teenagers support thread

[Ledkr]

Thought we could swap ideas, sound off and generally help each other through it.
Lots of you will know from here I'm no shrinking violet but my nearly 14 yr old dd is slowly breaking my spirit, home has become a miserable place to be and I know I'm messing this up.
I've had 3 teen boys and have worked all my life with various types of challenging young person and I'm pretty well respected but my own child is draining the life out of me.
The thing is, it's not huge behavioural stuff, it's probably very normal. I need to learn to pick my battles I know but I simply cannot ignore blatant rudeness or pick up someone's knickers often still containing a sanitary towell and not react.
Is this the answer? Compromise my integrity and become a skivvy just for a quiet life?
I could go on, but I'll see if anyone wants to listen first.
Thanks if you read so far

Totally addicted Jane. I came to bed at 10pm and he was talking to someone via Face Time or Skype. Who knows?

Asked him to finish off as DD in bed and I was coming to bed. He then tried to haggle for longer. This went on and on until it escalated to the point where I said the phone either goes in my room NOW or I cancel the contract on Monday.

Bit of cocky backchat about how he'd just use it for Internet instead . Told him that'll be tricky because the wifi password will get changed.

I gave him ten minutes to put the phone in my room. He did

It's just such a constant battle though. He's usually allowed his phone in his room on Fri and Sat as no school the next day and if he'd just finished his Face Time call when asked then all would have been fine. Grrrrrr

That's awful Ledkr
My ds just sits there constantly tapping out messages. What the hell do they find to write about???!!!!

Don't get me wrong, I'd be lost without my lovely phone but I can still manage to participate in life as well!

Ds is just back from his paper round. Before he left, he headed straight into my room to get his phone. Comes back with music blaring in his ears from it and has buggered off to his room with it.

Madness

Dh says it's better than them being out but I just don't want her on it all bloody night!
Apparently I'm the only mum who tskea the phone so it's nice to read that you do 👍

It's OK Ledkr, I am the only mum that takes the phone at bedtime too apparently! Well, that's not strictly true. We have 2 WiFi connections and one, turns off at 9.30 weekdays and 11.00 Friday and Saturday. She doesnt have access to the other one so me and dh carry on using it. She does have a data allowance that gets used up in three days, so for the rest of the month she has to rely on WiFi. When I had to ask for the phone she was a nightmare, OK, in a minute, can I have another half hour etc. So now it turns off automatically and she has come to accept it.

Actually, last night she asked if I would leave it on and she would be sensible. I said OK, but then when she decided she would put it down at 3.00 am, she woke us all up going to the loo, bathroom light on, toothbrush on, light off again, slams bedroom door shut again. I've already told her it will be business as usual tonight and I will NOT leaving WiFi on again so night. Disrespectful little git.

That sounds so similar!
I got in from a lovely day out with dd2 to find a right mess. She's made bacon eggs and pancakes.
3 pans chucked in sink, water everywhere, flour all over the floor, burned kitchen light, my iPad completely out of charge and just left as she's taken the charger (can you imagine if I did that?) obviously I had something to say whereupon she screamed at me that I'm always on at her and she's tried to do things right today!!
I was too stunned to say anything and my hand was itching to slap her so I sent her upstairs for her own safety.
I just cannot bear it.

Mine is the same, leaves a trail of destruction, and when I tackle her I get, oh for gods sake nothings ever right for you. She emptied her bin yesterday into the dustbin. She knows she has to separate the recycling, but I was out, so it all went in the bin. I spotted it this morning, so called her down to sort it out. I got, oh for gods sake.....Leaves crumbs all over work top, called her down to mop them up, got, oh for gods sake....spilt blackcurrant juice, same reaction. It's always been the same rule, you leave as you find. Surely it would be easier to just do it right the first time and not have to be called back all the time?????

She does the same as yours with cooking too. Yesterday, fish fingers and chips. Baking tray, pan and utensils chucked in the sink. Called her down again to do it. WHY?????

Oh and the iphone charger. She's broken the third one by yanking it out of the phone. I'm not buying another.

I think they eat their phone chargers. Or they must end up in the same place as missing socks. Along with earphones and memory sticks.

I've fought a lifelong battle with them all over shoes. Shoes belong on shoe rack. That's it. Not rocket science!!

I bought a puple charger so she can't say it's hers when she breaks it.
It's their indignation when you ask them to simply clear up after thenselves, as if you are being ridiculous.
Currently her dance tights and leotard are on the floor on the downstairs loo. She needs them tomorrow so will be frantically searching for them.
She can wear them with her 3 tap shoes.
She went to class with two and came home with 3, only one of her own and a pair I don't recognise!

As infuriating as these kids are, isn't it reassuring to know you're not alone and maybe you haven't buggered up the whole parenting malarkey after all?!

Yes it is. This is why I started the thread and have a plethora of friends I text to swap stories.
It definitely helps.
I feel exhausted today after all of the drama.
Like others I'm coping with other life stuff and when home is a battle field you have no safe haven.

Half term and my DD gets up at 1:30pm! She's 13. I must have gone into her room 5 times during the morning even sent the dog in to jump on her bed... She'll be up now until God knows what time. She would like to be completely nocturnal if she could. At least I never got woken up at 6am she's always been a night owl. It's nice to know I'm not alone.... Given up clearing up all the clothes on the floor.. She will clear things up in other rooms and she's not orange so I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies. I asked her if she wanted to do anything with me over half term and she looked at me like I was barking...

I'm half way through Get Out of My Life But First Take me and Alex Into Town. Can't believe I haven't read it before.

I laughed out loud at the bit about parents locking themselves in the bathroom to avoid confrontation - I've done this so many times with DS13. He goes on and on!

It's definitely worth the £4 or so on Kindle.

The peace will end later as DS16 is back from his school trip to Berlin.

pandora987 Another one here who's DS got up at 1.30pm. Mind you, he's pratting about until god knows what time in his room at night, so it's not surprising he can't get up at a decent time.
I've just been into his room (10.30am) to wake him up. No response, so I shook his leg a little. My god, what a reaction "GET THE HECK OFF"! Charming I must say. I told him not to speak to me like that, but what a start to the day. Makes me tremble to think what the rest of the day will be like. I'm beginning to dread being in his company.
His Dad is taking a back seat for the time being, because if he gets involved I dare say WW3 will kick off, so I'm trying to do this alone.
I really don't like DS at the moment, which saddens me.

I can't wait until half-term is over

Surly, defiant, only interested in himself, apparently has no friends (if that's actually true?) grunts in reply, and I'm lucky if I get a grunt at all.

When I see this written down it looks exactly like a text book teenager, but it doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

I nearly cried in Aldi today

My 13 year old has been out drinking this afternoon. She smells of booze and is slurring her words. She has mud on her jeans presumably from sitting in some park somewhere. She denies it completely and acts like I'm being really unfair. What am I going to do?

Can I just ask?

What would everyone else do in this scenario?

"Can you empty the dishwasher please?"
"No" (This is not shouted back, but is just a definite "no"

And that's it...

Ask him/her again! Say that you're busy doing X,y,z and would appreciate the help.

If it's not done, just do it yourself. Don't rise to it or get into a battle.

DS16 is home from Berlin.

"It was boring, really a history trip and I don't do history so all of the museums were really dull"

"It was freezing cold too"

"The hotel was actually ok but the food was crap"

Me - "so you didn't enjoy any part of the 5 days there?"

"Parts of it were fun, yeah it was ok really, especially when W pissed on J head whilst he was sleep!"

That's nice, it cost us £500 for the trip, plus £200 spending money for you to enjoy someone degrading someone else by weeing on them.

They are another spiecies!! Who are these teenagers?? Give me strength.

Pissed teen-ground and sanction, not acceptable, dangerous and obv cannot be trusted!

Dishwasher scenario, totally familiar.
Id say "fine" then next time he wants something from you say no like he did.

History trip not surprising.
Dd has two trips offered. One to Spain, reasonableish price abd shes taking spanish.
Other one is twice the price to somewhere I forget now abd nothing relevant to any options she is taking.
Guess which one she prefers!

Re the drinking, I was thinking of grounding her for a couple of weeks and cutting her allowance next month. The problem is that delays part of the punishment until the beginning of March when she gets her allowance paid in. i could confiscate her debit card maybe.

She's admitted it now and is sobering up in her room

Thanks for your replies, it's what I do say. I just wondered if anyone else had a magic trick for it!

Actually today (after I'd nearly had a weep in Aldi) he did help unload the car (when asked). I then asked him to help me put the groceries away and the answer was "do I have to?". "No, it doesn't matter", and blow me, he then came into the kitchen and helped!!

This is a roller-coaster that I'd like to get off!!

majestic (ironic name ) Id say that if she might buy alcohol then that is a reasonable action to take but what do I know?
My sons all went through the try a drink phase but slightly older and ended up sick so it put them off.
Dd hasnt tried It yet 😳 but I think if she did Id make sure she couldnt do it again in a hurry.
Also I guess you need to talk to her about consequences too, vulnerability when drunk and the dangers of over doing it.
Agree about the roller coaster. I made Dd come out with me and the little one today, just to the park and for a cup of tea, I think she quite enjoyed it.
I arranged pizza and movie night with them both but dd stayed upstaurs glued to her phone but I guess you can't have it all.

hi all
13yr old drinking, hopefully the hangover in the morning will be a good deterrent, and i wouldn't have any sympathy for a hangover lol, i'm mean like that.

ds had court again today and has had his referral order extended to 12 months instead of 9.